Decemberism

“Be quiet,” a recently-turned-sixteen-year-old Alex whispered, his words being clouded over with a round of light laughter. The two teens were lying on the ground next to the older boy’s Christmas tree, and Jack just didn’t seem to understand that Mr. and Mrs. Gaskarth were asleep just upstairs. “My parents are seriously gonna wake up and come down here if you keep doing that.”

“Doing what?” Jack questioned, his tone taking on faux innocence as he pulled away from where his teeth were nipping gently at Alex's neck.

"You know exactly what," the other boy retorted, and though he sounded a bit warning, the smile on his absolutely perfect, completely kissable lips, his brown eyes a few shades lighter than usual, said that he wasn't even close to being upset or even slightly annoyed with Jack's nonsense.

"I really don't," Jack insisted, and he took a moment to fully take in the scene, looking a bit beyond his kinda-secret boyfriend's angelic face.

The fireplace, which was only a few feet away from their heads and had been filled with near-roaring flames no more than two hours ago, was dying down. Embers still glowed dimly in the grate, though, and while they were the only source of light and weren't necessarily giving off much heat anymore, the way the orangish-yellow hues bounced and shimmered off of Alex's pale skin, golden hair, dark eyes and white teeth left Jack breathless. The elder was laying on his back with his legs spread a little so that Jack could sit between them, and the younger was more or less laying on top of him. One of Alex's hands was tangled in Jack's hair, the other up his shirt, resting on the small of the taller's back, and both of the raven-haired boy's hands were placed firmly on the ground on either side of Alex's head, helping hold up his thin frame so he wasn't crushing the other. Not that he really could, though.

"Stop staring at me, freak," Alex teased, and it was only then that Jack came to once more. His eyes zeroed in on his boyfriend's, but he still didn't say anything, not even to retort to Alex's sass. "Well, if you don't know what you're doing, maybe I should show you," Alex mused, the hand he had tangled in black locks moving down to lightly stroke Jack's cheek before he was flipping them over, being as quiet yet forceful as he could manage.

Jack was a little confused at first, but before he could think of something, anything at all, to say, Alex was swooping down to nip gently along his neck.

The older boy ended up straddling his boyfriend, one hand on the side of Jack's neck in order to keep him still while his other rested above the younger's heart. Jack's right hand moved up and down Alex's side as his left rested gently against the older boy's hip. Alex's body was bent forward over him, the angle seeming odd yet being the only way they could fit since they had ended up directly under the branches of the giant, decorated spruce, the lights and ornaments blinking invitingly and nearly touching their owner's arched back.

It wasn't long before Jack was mewling, closing his eyes and craning his neck as best he could to give the elder better access, what with Alex still holding him in place. The golden-haired boy finally decided that was enough and pulled away; he tried to sit up fully, but the bristles of the branches scratched against his clothed spine, and he figured it was better not to move too much.

When Jack opened his eyelids once more, he was immediately faced with similar big, brown irises no more than a few inches from his own, the orbs staring unblinkingly through the longish, golden hair hanging in front of his beau's face. Jack had known he was there, of course, considering he could feel Alex's breath fanning along his face with each exhalation he took, but he forced a small jump anyway.

He could see the corners of Alex's eyes scrunch up slightly, could feel the sharp gust of air hit his face from the slightly older boy's all but silent laugh, and Jack mentally applauded himself. If there was one sure fire thing he always took utter pride and joy in, it was making Alex smile; a laugh, no matter how minuscule, was even better.

"You're cute," he mumbled after a few seconds of watching Alex's smile turn into a gentle lip bite that drove him completely insane. Without thinking, he was moving his right hand from Alex's side and up to his face, brushing his hair from where it was hanging and tucking it behind his ear. The last few burning embers from the fire seemed to become brighter in the older boy's dark eyes, and the smile returned to his face, bottom lip still clutched gently in his teeth.

"You're cuter," Alex countered, leaning forward a bit more to nudge his nose against the tip of Jack's, which is much too big, but he makes it work.

"You're the cutest," Jack whispered, eyes still locked up on the dazzling pair that never failed to hold his attention; there was literally nothing else that could do that, not even Green Day.

Before Alex could reply, tell Jack something along the lines of either, 'I'm older, my say goes,' or 'Well, you're the cutierest,' Jack leaned forward and closed the gap between them, pressing their lips firmly together.

The older boy didn't fail to kiss back, returning the pressure perfectly. They know it's kinda cliché, but they both also know that they fit perfectly together; they were made for each other, after all.

The kiss only ends when neither of them can really breathe any longer, but Alex presses his forehead down against Jack's, their light pants mixing between their barely-ajar mouths.

And Jack had a thought then. Not something he hadn't thought about before, not something he hadn't put a lot of thought into, but that time it hit him kinda hard. He was scared, of course. Terrified of how Alex would even react, but when the older boy opened his eyes and looked back at him, he knew it was right, that he had to say it then or he never would, consequences be damned.

He was at a kind of loss for words, though, and Alex knew he had something on his mind. He didn't speak, didn't ask Jack to get on with it, just waited patiently, eyes searching his beau's for some sort of sign or hint as to what he could possibly be thinking about.

After a good two minutes, Jack decided to just go for it, not beat around the bush, and then he was whispering out, just loud enough for the boy on top of him to hear, "I love you, Alex."

It was as if the world stopped for Jack. The lights on the tree didn't twinkle, the burning ashes in the fireplace didn't waver, Alex's breath didn't hit his face. He had another slight thought, one that was telling him he'd just fucked himself out of the world's most perfect relationship with the world's most perfect boy, and he was even about to apologize, tell Alex that it's okay if you don't love me back, please don't leave me.

Then everything kicked into overdrive, Alex surging that last little bit forward and pressing their mouths together just a notch above harder than absolutely necessary to get his point across.

As before, the kiss lasted just as long as they can possibly make it, and then they resumed their previous position, foreheads pressed together. Only now, Alex is the first to speak, echoing the three little words he'd been waiting to hear since a month into their relationship. It'd been nearly a year, their anniversary actually being on Valentine's Day, and it's only December twentieth, but he really can't think of any other time or place he'd rather be when hearing that small, meaningful phrase for the first time from the boy he already knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

"I love you too, Jack."

------

That was nearly six years ago. It'll be six years in about a week, and Jack is a fucking mess. This time of year is always especially hard on him, but there's really nothing he can do about it.

It all started when Alex turned nineteen. His parents had moved out to California when he'd turned eighteen, and Alex was doing marvelous on his own. He and Jack lived together, of course, and they were still the lovestruck, happy couple as they'd been when they were younger.

They had plans, plans to start a real life together, to make their mark on the world as a team. They would save up and get a house, a big one. They'd get better jobs, maybe even go to college for a few years if the time ever seemed right. They'd get married, and they'd adopt kids as well as numerous dogs. They'd grow old together; they'd die together. They'd spend every day of their lives happy together.

That all went to hell, though, when Alex's mom was diagnosed with deep vein thrombosis. No one was sure of where it came from, really, since she didn't fit into any of the 'requirements,' but they did know that because of this, she was no longer able to travel.

The doctors didn't think it was serious, didn't think it would kill her, and they were almost wholeheartedly positive that they'd be able to do something about the clots so that they'd be gone and would never return. However, the only thing they weren't certain of was time. It would take a great deal, obviously, but 'a great deal' could translate to months, or it could even be years.

There was one thing Alex was sure of, and that was the fact that he had to be there to help his mum every single step of the way. There was only one problem, really: Jack would have to stay in Baltimore. Alex didn't want to leave his beau for any amount of time, no matter how big or small, but there was physically no way they'd both be able to go; Jack had to hold the fort down in Maryland, keep earning money so that one day, when everything was back to normal, they could do all of the things that they had planned. The jobs, the house, the wedding, the adoptions. All of it would be theirs.

It was with extreme reluctance that Alex got on the plane to Los Angeles, Jack holding up a strong façade above shiny eyes and a quivering lip.

"I'll be back before you even know it, cupcake," Alex cooed, wiping away the few tears that had managed to slip down Jack's cheeks. "I'll be back and everything will be okay, and life will be right back on track. I'll call you every night, Jay."

"Promise?" was all the younger was able to get out, and Alex gave him a small smile before leaning in to press a kiss against his lover's damp cheek.

"I promise," he whispered, hands reaching up to take a hold of Jack's face so that he could tilt his head forward, kiss his forehead, nose, and finally, his lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Alex got on the plane, and though he'd never admit this to anyone, he may have cried just the slightest bit when he looked out the window and saw Jack pressed up against the glass wall of the airport, tears streaming much faster as he shook with his sobs. They'd never been away from each other, not since the moment they met, and this was kind of a giant step they had to take, the fact that it pretty much snuck up on them not helping in anyway at all.

When he got to Los Angeles, Alex called Jack right away. They talked for a bit, the older boy doing everything to comfort his lover from such a distance, and the process was repeated later that night. They often stayed on the phone every night, talking for an hour or two before falling silent and just listening to the other's breathing, allowing it to lull their minds to sleep as they imagined a body made exactly for their own pressed against them. Jack, though he had to get up for work early each day, didn't mind staying up for Alex, and it's a wonder he continued to make it in on time as well as function like an average human being.

Soon enough, though, the calls became less frequent. Instead of being multiple times every day, they were down to maybe three a week. It hurt Jack, so very badly, but he didn't know what was going on in California, didn't talk to Alex often enough to really ask, and since he had no idea what could possibly be happening, he didn't call first. He worried about imposing or becoming annoying or just interrupting something important merely because he wanted to listen to Alex talk or sing. Preferably sing, but at that point, it didn't even matter anymore.

No more than seven months into Alex's stay in California did the calls completely stop. Jack didn't know what he'd done wrong, really, but he kept telling himself that Alex was just busy, that he'd call later. Nothing ever came; there was never a call, text, e-mail, kik or FaceTime call waiting for him, and it just brought Jack further into depression.

At this point, he was a clinical zombie. His actions were practiced, mechanic, and though he hoped, prayed, every day for some sort of sign that Alex was alive, well, still in love with him, he couldn't make the call. It's not that he felt like he'd be a burden, more so the fact that it'd been so long, that he didn't think Alex wanted him, didn't think Alex cared anymore.

Jack never forgot Alex, of course. Not one day passed where he didn't constantly think about the elder, about the love they shared. He didn't look for someone else, instead going along with the motions of day-to-day life, earning money and putting as much as he could into a savings account; Alex promised he'd be back, promised they'd have a life together, and no matter what, Jack wasn't giving up that hope.

Seven months turned into one year, and soon enough that one year morphed into two. Jack's hopes remained, even though they'd begun to dwindle just a bit, but that all changed when he got a call from an all too familiar number.

"Jack, cupcake," Alex had breathed down the line, his voice sounding exactly as Jack had remembered it, if not just a bit more masculine, more rugged and defined.

He didn't know what to say at first; he knows he should've been mad, should've hung up, but he couldn't. Minutes ticked away, and it was only when Alex asked if he was there, if this was the right number, that he nodded, voice forcing itself around the lump forming painfully in his throat. "Yeah, baby," he croaked, feeling the tears try to push their way out, "it's me."

"I miss you, so fucking much, Jay," Alex whispered, and all Jack could do was bite at his lip so he didn't start sobbing. "I love you."

"I miss you; I love you too," he'd responded, teeth pressing into his bottom lip as the first few drips of salty water escaped his rapidly-blinking eyes.

"I'm coming back for you," was Alex's next sentence, and that's when the waterworks started full-force.

"When?" he questioned, pressing the phone closer to his ear so that there would be no way he'd miss whatever Alex had to say.

The line was silent, almost eerily so, and then Alex was mumbling an, "I don't know, cupcake. All I know is that one day I'm coming back for you, that I'll fight for you if I have to, and I want you to be the one to pick me up from the airport when that day comes."

"Of course, Lex," Jack whimpered, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Promise?" Alex pushed, even though he'd broken his, and Jack didn't hesitate to agree.

"I promise."

------

The calls stopped again, and this time around, now almost yet another year later, Jack's falling deeper into depression than he's ever been before. He's basically lost all hope, some days not even being able to find it in himself to get out of bed. He lost his job, and it's a miracle he managed to keep it for so long; he was living off of everything in his savings account, not being overly excessive with the money he earned, but using enough for rent, food and other absolute necessities each month.

It's just as he's getting ready to head downtown, get some Taco Bell to remind himself that at least something loves him, that his phone vibrates on the kitchen counter. He only took a fleeting glance at the screen as he picked the device up to pocket it, and the name flashing in the center made his heart leap up into his throat. But still, he didn't open the text. He wasn't sure if he just didn't want to, now not having the energy to actual do things anymore, or if it was more so the fact that he didn't want to get his hopes up only to have them crash down around him twice as bad as the other times.

It didn't leave his mind, though. It was there when he got in the car, there as he drove the fifteen minutes to and from Taco Bell, and there when he put in Home Alone, sitting cross-legged on the floor between the couch and coffee table, burritos nice and warm in front of him. His phone hadn't alerted him to any new messages or calls, nothing of the sort, and that only enhanced his curiosity. What could Alex possibly have to say after an entire year that could fit in only one message?

By the time Home Alone came to an end, he couldn't take it anymore; he had to know what Alex had texted him. He dug his phone out of his pocket, clicked it into life and pressed the 'Open Message' button in the middle of the screen.

He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting, maybe an 'I miss you,' or an 'I love you,' but instead, his phone asked him if he'd like to receive the multimedia message and the text attached. After pressing the 'Accept' button, it was only a few seconds of downloading before his phone buzzed again, letting him know that his message was ready to be open and read.

His thumb hovered over the screen, and he had to close his eyes and hold his breath before tapping the 'Open' button once more. Counting to five in his head, he exhaled the oxygen he'd been harboring, eyes peeling open slowly. Now, just below where his thumb had returned to hovering, was a picture. It was a plane ticket from Los Angeles to Baltimore, set to land on December twentieth at five-thirty pm. The message below read a simple, All I'm saying is for Christmas this year, I would kinda like to see you. I love you, cupcake.

A tidal wave of emotions washed over Jack, and he even had to pinch himself and get his glasses to make sure he'd read everything correctly. When he was sure he had, he didn't reply to the text, didn't call his lover up to begin planning celebrations. No, instead, he cleaned.

The lanky man, not having found the motivation to really take all too much care of his body or his apartment in the three years his beau had been gone, put every last ounce of energy he had into making sure the apartment was spotless, that he didn't look like he just crawled from a sewer.

There was only three days from when Jack got the text to when Alex would be landing, and as the hours passed, the more life seemed to return to Jack's smile. No one noticed it, of course, since he didn't see any one particular person so often a week, but he could see it in himself. He could feel the happiness and excitement glowing in his eyes.

It was when the twentieth finally came around, after what felt like decades, did Jack start to get nervous. He didn't understand why, per se, because it was only Alex. His Alex, the love of his life. Really, when he narrowed it down, he figured it was just his body turning overexcitement into anxious nerves.

At around four o'clock, he figured it was about time to leave. If he got to the airport early enough, he'd be able to get through all the security checks so that he'd be able to meet up with Alex as soon as the older man set foot off the plane.

Traffic was flowing smoothly the entire way there, and a ride that should've taken twenty minutes only took fifteen, no speeding necessary. After finding a parking spot and calming the butterflies flapping around in his stomach, he climbed out of his car and locked it up, spending another few moments taking deep breaths. There was still an hour long wait left, and if he freaked himself out now, he probably wouldn't even be able to make it.

Going through all the necessary security checks was and will always be one of the most tedious things Jack has ever had to do, and his mind kept clouding over with memories of coming to this airport with Alex and leaving alone all those years ago. It hurt, sure, but then he'd stop himself to remember that he was there to pick up the other man, to take him home and love and appreciate him, make up for all the lost time between them.

By the time there was only five minutes left, Jack found himself suctioning onto the window of the gate that Alex's plane would be landing, much like he had the first time around, but now there were no tears.

He counted the minutes off in his head, dragging out each number as a way to make sure that it seemed like time was actually moving faster, like the plane only took two minutes to land instead of five.

He watched with wide eyes, his bottom lip clutched so tightly between his teeth that he almost broke the skin. When the plane came to a complete stop, he searched all of the visible seats, feeling his heart rate pick up a bit when he didn't see his man.

Don't freak yourself out, he mentally scolded himself. There are more seats than just those.

People poured out of the tunnel and into the terminal, some being greeted by family and friends while others, those who looked more official and businesslike, hurried on through the crowd, cellphones and Prada bags clutched tightly in their hands.

The steady stream became a slow trickle, and Jack was now subconsciously holding his breath; what if Alex decided not to come after all?

He waited it out, though. He waited until after the people had stopped appearing and after the gate had been closed. He could feel his heart crack for the thousandth time in his life before finally shattering completely. Alex had abandoned him, set him up and left him with nothing, and now Jack didn't think he could continue on in Baltimore. He needed a new start, maybe somewhere like Lowell or Nashua, somewhere where no one knew his name, why he was so broken.

It was just as the tears began to prick in his eyes, teeth pressing into his tongue so he didn't make any sobbing noises, did someone bother with his pathetic excuse of an existence.

"Hey there, handsome," a deep yet extraordinarily recognizable voice asked from behind him, "are you looking for someone?"

Jack had never moved so quickly, neck making an almost painful cracking noise as he looked towards the sound of the voice. There, now standing in front of him, was Alex. His hair was dark, just a bit lighter than Jack's, and it was cut much shorter than it had ever been. His front teeth were still crooked, eyes glistening as he took in the man before him.

When nothing was said, Jack still staring in awe, Alex forced a small laugh, dropping his carry-on and then reaching out to touch Jack's face gently, pads of his fingers sweeping lightly, carefully, lovingly, along smooth skin. "Hey, cupcake," he murmured, the shining of his irises increasing tenfold before he was grabbing Jack's face in both hands and bringing his frozen lover into a long-awaited kiss.

Jack melted into the touch, his legs all but giving out on him as he finally reached out to wrap his arms around Alex's waist, pulling his body ever closer and somehow managing to deepen the kiss without getting so caught up in it that they started undressing each other right there in front of thousands of people.

Alex was the first to break away, a shaky laugh, smile on his lips and his cheeks soaked with his tears. Jack was fairing just as well, if not slightly worse. He had a million things to say, thousands of 'I love you's he needed to make up for, but he found himself asking, "Why didn't you call? You promised you would."

Alex's face fell, but he nodded to show he acknowledged the question. He looked down at the spot where their chests were pressed flush together before looking back up and answering with, "It hurt too much, knowing that you were here and I was all the way over there. I'm sorry, Jay. I know I hurt you, and I didn't mean to. I never meant to."

His eyes were wide, pleading with Jack to understand, to say something, and though a part of the younger male wanted to be mad, he couldn't find it in himself. Not when he'd waited so long, spent so many cold nights alone, for this moment. Really, the only way he figured he'd get that point across, was by saying, "I love you, Alex."

The dyed brunette smiled wider than he had in a long time, answering, "I love you too, cupcake, and all I'm saying is for Christmas this year, I would kinda like to see you."