Stay Right Where You Are.

*Alan's P.O.V*

The hardest part of the day for me was always waking up, wondering if this has all been just a fucked up dream, and that he would somehow appear and I'd wake up feeling him pressed up against me and his light breath on my neck again. I miss listening to him hum gently in his sleep and it's been far too long to still feel this strongly about him.

It's been aproximently two years since I've felt his arms wrapped around me. Old memories and pictures of us have been haunting me for these past seven-hundred and twenty-nice days. All I've been able to do is sleep, not wanting to face the world or the people in it in fear of seeing his face somewhere in the crowd.

I'm lucky my parents are persistent and overprotective and made me let them pay for my apartment, I could never work in this sort of condition. Or get a job, for that matter.

I take that back. At this point, this wasn't even a damn condition anymore. This was my life, and the way I had been for as long as I can. I had let my depression finallty take over my life, letting it win after years of hopeless fighting only to fail after all that time. Although I didn't regret it one bit. I liked reliving the memories I used to have, sometimes. I rarely remember being happy, or being able to focus on one thing at a time.

Even though Justin is still here, he had given up trying a long time ago. Maybe six months after Austin had abandoned me, everyone began to hate me.

I can clearly see why.

I'm boring, and quiet. I'm not myself anymore, and I just hadn't figured out that all of them were expecting me to move on as easily as they had, within two weeks.

I didn't get that, Shay and Tino were Austin's best friends. How didn't they miss him more than I did and still do? It didn't make any reasonable amount of sense to me.

Every once in a while, Justin would pop in and ask if I wanted to go out, or watch a movie with him. The answer was always no. I didn't like to leave my room anymore, and I had lost alot of weight, and I weighed only about 130 pounds. I wanted to be skinny, yet my goal weight was 120. I'd get there soon enough.

It was a bit flattering how much the guys had tried to get me to...live a little again. I'm a dead man walking, there's no life inside of me anymore, I'm hollow, and the only thing I feel now is self hatred.

My parents had even given up on me. I stopped answering their calls, and I started blocking Austin out as well, a failed attempt to stop missing him, he was a large part of me. And it was gone.

He had taken my heart when he left, and now I would be retrieving it tomorrow. I didn't want him back, and I can practically guarantee he found someone significantly better. He was such a charmer, and the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, inside and out. He was something I didn't deserve to call mine anymore. In an extra attempt to isolate myself, I let my phone die and threw the charger out the window. I didn't need a phone, I had no one left to contact. No one cared, and I was fine with that.

I decide I'd better take a shower, since all of us are meeting him at the airport at 5am tomorrow, and it was 10pm right now, even if I didn't know what would happen, I didn' t want to look like complete shit, right?

Dragging myself out of bed, I begin my walk quietly to the bathroom, unfortunately running right into Justin.

"Have you been sleeping?" He asks, concerned and quietly, making awkward eyecontact that I really didn't want to return.

He still cared about me, he wasn't being a huge dick abouti it, like I had expected. He just knew I didn't give a shit about anything anymore, and he accepted it and stopped making me do stuff. Just wasn't worh asking anymore.

"No." I say quietly, the first word I had spoken to anyone in a week.

"Where have you been?" He asks, and I knew he was going to start bombarding me with all sorts of different questions.

"Room." I reply, awkwardly shifting back and forth from foot to foot, wishing I could just go shower.

"For a week? Alan, that's not healthy...." He says, his pleading with me. "Please just talk to me!"

"Sorry." I say, tilting my head and giving him a small, yet sincere smile.

"Are you coming to get Austint with us tomorrow?" He asks, all signs of happiness disappeared on his face and replaced by misery.

"Yes." I answer, playing with my tattooed fingers and running them down my forearms. "Shower."

He nods slowly, biting his lip. "O-okay. I'll see you, then."

I give him a small nod before proceeding to the bathroom. I look in the mirror, and I understand why he asked about my sleep.

My eyes have large purple rings around them, and my skin gets paler everyday it seems, due to my malnourishment, I'm guessing. My hair lost it's shine a long time ago, now it sort of just sits on my head, looking unhealthy and unatural. The only thing eyecatching about me is my silver nose ring.

It struck me as odd that I was unintentionally doing this to myself and I liked it at the same time. While I was with Austin, I longed to be skinny to be perfect for him, and now I was and I didn't feel any different, no matter how hard I tried, my emotion never changed. Who did I have to be skinny for? After all, I was only Alan Ashby. What a forgettable name, huh?

Even though a few days ago I had gone out and bought some make-up and hair dye to make sure I didn't look as awful as I felt and looked now. I just wanted Austin to know he didn't have to take care of me, and that I would be perfectly find handling myself. I was a grown man, and I needed to start acting like it since no one was going to help me through this. More so that I hadn't let anyone help me, they didn't need my burden or the extra weight on their shoulders.

Stepping into the shower cautiously, the thought of suicide crosses my mind. It seemed easy enough, in reality. Movies and TV shows just made is so dramatic, and to me, death wasn't like that. Depending on the way you did it, whether it be downing a bottle of pills or wrapping your lips around a gun, it just seemed peaceful.

The way your body would fall, hitting the floor hard as you let out your last breath finally beginning to feel a bit of optimism, even if you were about to be gone out of everyone's lives forever. That just didn't scare me, and it seemed like a good alternative over admitting how fucked I was in the head.

I didn't like to talk to people, I never had. It wasn't since I had this awful social anxiety, it was more so I just liked to stay reserved, keeping my thoughts in my own head and refusing to share them. Until Austin came along.

He knew everything about me. Well, almost everything, leaving out the sort of eatng disorder, depression and other mental illnesses I had seemed to develop. The only thing I didn't tell him while he was still mine, was about my irrational fear of being left behind.

When I was about nine, my brotherh had ditched my parents and I, choosing money and his slutty girlfriend over us, and that was the last thing I thought he'd ever do. That's when I started to go downwards.

By the time that ninth grade had swung around, I had dated more than thirty people from the age of thirteen to fifteen, abandoning everytone before they could leave me. That's when I met the love of my life after months of his friends warning him about me.

I decided I didn't want to do die today, though. Obviously not, I just wanted to see that goddamn perfect smile one more time before I took my own life, suicide begininng to burn it's way into my mind, a thought that would exist for a very long time.

I began to feel and odd sort of sturring in my stomach that I didn't even talk to the person I was in love with without bursting into stupid sobs. The pain had become far too much, so I guess I decided I didn't even wanna TRY to get over it and get rid of it forever. I had turned myself into a numb person.

Did he know I was okay? Well, I mean physically, kind of. I didn't consider myself as the healthiest of twenty year olds, but I guess to me, alive meant healthy.

I'm sure Tino and Shay talked to him often right? He knew I was fine. I hoped so. A sudden realization hits me.

*Flashback*

-A Year and A Half Ago-

It was late at night, probably about 3am or so, and Shayley and TIno were still over, talking to Justin anxiously, as I listened in to their conversation and their feet pacing across the hardwood floor in the living room.

"He's calling now." Shay sounds worried, as his phone gently rings.

"Fucking answer then!" Justin says angrily, and I hear a slight bang.

"Ow," Shayley groans, before muttering a 'hello.'

"Hi Austin," He continues shakily, as I hear the other guys begin to urge him on. "I'm guessing you heard the b-bad news.."

I cross my legs in front of me as I lean against the door, running my fingers over the black carpet on my floor as I eavesdrop. There was no bad news, everything was fine. Wrong.

I can practically hear Austin screaming through the phone at the other guys, and my heart stops in my chest as I begin to bite my already too short nails and pay closer attention to their conversation.

"C-car crash..." He pauses for a moment. "He's gone."

*End of Flashback.*

Hopping out of the shower, I throw my clothes on as fast as possible not really bothering to dry my hair off. I run out of the bathroom, finding Justin sitting on the couch in an awkward silence, just sort of staring at the floor.

I walk over and sit next to him in silence.

"He thinks I'm dead, doesn't he?" I ask quietly, looking at my hands folded in my lap.

Justin takes a deep breath before looking over at me, eyes filled with fear. "Who told you?"

"Figured it out." I mutter, running my fingers across the scars Austin used to kiss. "Why did you guys lie?"

"It was never intended for us to lie to him, he was freaking out, Alan." He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. "He didn't understand why you weren't talking to him, we had to lie."

"So you told him that I fucking died?" I say, literally unable to raise my voice as badly as I'd like to, I just wasn't strong enough.

"Alan, there was no other way! I'm so sorry." He says, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. "Why the hell would you just cut him off?!"

I sat, not exactly knowing the whole answer, or story. "I c-couldn't keep talking to him. It hurt, Jus." I say, calling him by the old nickname I had for him.

"Do you have any idea how badly I missed you?" Justin's voice raises as he stands up, throwing his hands in the air. "Two YEARS, Alan! You abandoned me for two fucking YEARS!" He yells, tears streaming down his face as he throws himself to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably into his knees, which he pulled up to his chest.

My heart swells as I get up off our couch and wrap my arm around his shoulders. "Well, I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."

"What happened to you?" He asks, looking up at me, his eyes pleading with me for a decent answer.

"I gave up." I say softly, pulling some orange hair out of his face. "I'll try again, though."

"R-really?" He looks awfully surprised, and a bit happy.

I shrug, giving him a meek smile. "You're my best friend, after all."

"I missed you so much, Kitten!" Justin jumps onto me out of nowhere, practially crushing me in a hug that I gladly return, hope sparking up in my stomach.

Justin hops off of me, and his eyes widen. "What do we tell Austin?"

Sighing, my heart drops at th eound of his name. I expected something bad to happen, like in Harry Potter when someone said 'Voldemort'. Austin was my "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named', goddammit.

"Tell him the truth, just wait until tomorrow morning." I suggest, feeling the tense in my chest while Justin thinks about my idea.

"That would work," He gives me a grin before continuing. "Suprise him? Although I'd have to tell Shay and Tino that you..." He trails off.

"Recovered." I finish flatly for him.

I didn't know if that was the exact truth, but I didn't really wanna say that'd I'd be okay for a few days and then I'd cut everyone off except for Justin. The hurt look in his eyes was too much, and I had promised anyway.

"I'm just thrilled you're actually speaking!" He says happily, bouncing a bit. "I think we should celebrate with a few drinks." He states matter-of-factly.

"I don't know, Jus." I say unsurely, and running a hand easily through my dry hair. "I sorta gotta get ready for tomorrow."

"Get ready?" He raises his eyebrows, confused. "Why?"

"For starters, I have to dye my hair. Do you see this shit?" I say, pointing angrily at my dead-looking ginger locks.

"Maybe if you actually ate, you might look healthy." He says sternly, giving me a wink. "I'll do it, but I'm gonna make a quick stop to the liquor store first, alright?"

I sigh as he pulls his shoes on. "You and your liquor. "

He scoffs back at me. "I'm a social drinker, Alan. I thought you knew that. And this is the first time you've been social in two years. It's sort of a big deal."

Giving him a roll of my eyes, I mutter out a "Bye Justin."

"Bye, Souless." He smirks, giving me another wink before closing the door behind him.

God, he was a dick, but I loved him.