You & Me.

I walked into the escalator, and I was starting to feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I closed my eyes, and squeezed the hem of my shirt breathing in. I've got to do this and I know exactly what I'm gonna say. My eyes opened to the sound of the escalator reaching the 4th floor. Making my steps out of it, I stared right ahead of me, and there was it. Her door. I didn't know what to do. Knock? Open the door? Or just change my mind and leave? My thoughts were scattered all over my mind and I was a mess. Just do it. Walk inside, talk to her. After that just leave. Leave like nothing happened.

I knocked on the door once, with shaky hands. Nobody answered. I pulled my hand up and knocked once more, waiting eagerly for a reply. I looked down at my shoes, and waited without getting any response. I turned around ready to leave but with the sound of the door opening, I looked back and Scarlet was standing in front of me, her face pale, her eyes dark and her entire body shaking.

“J-John.” I made my steps closer to her feeling my heart falling right to my stomach.

“Scarlet.” I spoke, “Are you--” I couldn't complete my sentence as soon as I felt Scarlet fall right into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her back, helping her stand straight.

“I'm okay.” She said with heavy breaths, and let go of me, putting a hand on the wall trying to balance herself. There was something wrong; her face looked sweaty, her eyes weren't fixed on me but only focused on trying to stand still. The sickness was taking over her.

“Scarlet, what's-- what's wrong?” I asked, & a few seconds later her eyes rolled back and by that she suddenly threw herself into my chest, falling unconscious this time. “Scarlet. Scarlet, what's happening? Are you okay? Scarlet can you hear me?” I yelled and tried to pull her up without any use. I wrapped my hands around the small of her back and carried her frame inside the apartment and right to her bed. “Scarlet. Breathe with me alright? Can you hear me? Stay with me please.” I rubbed my thumbs across her sweaty cheeks. “I'm gonna call an ambulance an-and it'll be okay.” I felt my hands shaking as I reached for my pocket to grab my phone. “Just please. Please, stay with me.” I fell into my knees, resting my arms in her bed as I tried to unlock my phone & with shaky fingers I attempted to call the hospital but the phone fell out of my hands. I picked it up breathing in. Stop shaking. Stop shaking. Stop shaking

“No.” Scarlet spoke and tried to pull herself from the bed. “Don't.. don't call the ambulance. I'm okay.” I stood up from my place and sat next to her, pulling myself closer. My hand touched her forehead and she was boiling.

“Y-You have a fever. We need to get to the hospital.” I spoke, pulling her hands and standing up. She let go of my arms and looked away. I've noticed how she's been avoiding eye contact ever since I got in.

“I said I'm gonna be fine.” She pulled her knees to her chest, “You can leave.” I could taste the bitterness from her words and all I wanted to do is talk this through. Her breathing was still uneven, and I noticed after a while how her entire apartment was a mess.

“I'm- I'm gonna leave, just.. please l-listen to me first.” I begged, looking at her & and trying to convince her that we needed to talk. She looked at me for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. “Please. Scarlet? All I'm asking for is just 20 minutes. Th-that's it, I promise.” Her face expression wasn't quite understandable, but she look at me from the corner of her eyes, and it reminded me of that stubborn, rude Scarlet I first met at the bar.

“15 minutes.” She answered. I felt like an entire brick fell off my back as I breathed out in relief.

“15 minutes.” I agreed and for some reason I was smiling, I smiled because for the first time, I felt a glimpse of hope filling my ribs. “I really don't think this is what I want..” I started, looking at her. She was still staring at the wall in front of her, ignoring eye contact with me. “I don't want to go on like this, and I want to fix things between us. I never got the chance to tell you everything. I never even had enough time to explain everything to you. Scarlet this isn't what I want, and I know that this isn't what you want.” Her gaze moved towards me, as I continued, “This isn't about me wanting you back. But this is about forgiveness. What I did was the worst, and I know that you have the right to stay angry at me but I can't take it. I can't close my eyes without thinking of the fact that I ruined your relationship with y-your father.” Tears in her eyes, she pursed her lips together trying to stop herself from crying. “You see that? That is all because of me. These tears. You're wasting them on me & Scarlet.. I.. I don't want that.” I got closer to her and this time she didn't reject me. My hands grabbed her shoulders lightly. “I want you to know that I'm here asking you for forgiveness. I know that you don't want me in your life anymore and I swear. I'm leaving. I just want to know that you forgive me. That's all I need to know because for once, at least.. just once I'd be able to fall asleep without guilt burning in my body making me hate every inch of myself. Please.” She stared at me for a few seconds, her big blue eyes with those perfect lashes looking at me. I couldn't see anything that would make me feel hopeful, but I also didn't see anything that made me feel hopeless. It was just there.. At that moment all I could think of was how sick she looked. Her eyes were pale, dark circles forming underneath her dark eyes and her lips looked chipped. Like she haven't had any proper food in a long time. That was when I heard it again, the voice that keeps replaying in my head over and over again. This is all because of you. This is all because of you John. Without even giving myself a moment to think, my fingers slowly ran through her hair. It was getting lighter, and slowly falling off whenever I touched it. Her face was getting smaller that I could see her cheekbones higher. My fingers moved down her neck, and she let out a breath, making me fling back to reality. I pushed myself away and kept my distance respecting her. I didn't want to cause any other problems but god, I wanted her.

“I've tried.” She said, “I've tried so many times to ignore everything and just come to you. Sometimes I'd think of what you were doing or where were you, and I've tried forgiving you, but I - I never k-- I never knew how.” Her voice cracked as she let out a cry. “I don't know what to do with my life and don't even know myself at all. I thought I would be okay if I went back to my normal life, where you never existed. I couldn't..” She cried harder, and I hoped if I could wrap my arms around her and hug her so tight just to assure her that everything was going to be okay eventually. I wanted to hold her so badly. She buried her face into her hands and cried.

“We can fix this.” I said, and she raised her head, looking at me curiously, “We can help each other Scarlet. We can do this together.”

“No, you deserve someone better.” She sniffed, “Someone who can harness that light that's still inside of you.” Her eyes watered again. “I'm so fucked up, and my life is a mess. I can't even help myself.”

“That's not what I want.” My body moved next to hers, as I faced her. Her lips inches away from mine, I felt her breath. I could see behind those crystal blue eyes another world, and a place that I wanted to be a part of. “I want someone who's as fucked up as me, I want someone whose life is a mess. I want you.” Slowly, feeling cautious, my hands moved to her cheeks leaning in, I attached my lips to hers. That was when I felt my entire body enter the world hiding behind her. With every move she made, and every touch. I wanted to be with her, & only her. She let out a soft moan against my mouth as our tongues danced perfectly together. I pushed my body against hers, as she lay on the bed her hands wrapped around my neck. I was on top of her, and my lips slowly moved down to her collarbones, making her jump a little. My eyes moved to hers, and I could see how scared she was.

“I'm--I'm sorry.” I whispered, pushing myself away from her, staring at the floor. “Are you- okay?” My eyes moved to her thighs, it was all bruised up. Huge purple bruises all over her body.

“John?” She spoke softly, and at that moment, whatever she wanted to ask me; I was ready to do it. I would do anything to see her satisfied & happy. I wanted to see her smile again, & the way her eyes twinkled from the corner whenever she'd grin.

“I don't.. I don't think I want to see you again.” She dug her face into her hands, and I couldn't see her face as she spoke. “We need to stop this. Right here, right now. I don't want to be alive anymore. It fucking kills me that I'm still here, because I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up every morning feeling so tired because I've cried myself to sleep the previous night. I don't want to go to work and pretend I'm okay when I'm not.” She picked her head up, tears falling down her skin. “I’m not sure why I keep telling everyone I’m okay. I’m not okay. And sometimes when someone asks how I am I want to tell them that my heart is broken, and that’s okay you know,” She sniffed, and she smiled. In my entire life, I've never seen someone smile with so much sadness in their expression. It made my heart ache, and it felt like everything was caving in all at once. I kept looking at her, and with every word she said, I'd lose more and more hope in her. in us.

“I can deal with a broken heart, but the pieces have been shifting and I’ve got these really sharp edges in my veins and my lungs and my stomach and I think I’m being torn apart. It's not even easy to breathe. It's not easy to do anything.” She completely broke down by that, and I shifted my hands to her cheeks making her look at me.

“Please say no more.” I whispered, “Please. Scarlet, I'm begging you.” I felt a lump forming in my throat as I talked. “I want to fix this and I'm willing to do anything. I promise you. We can fix this together. Scarlet, you & me okay? Okay? I promise.” I felt her tears falling to the palm of my hands as she looked at me, crying. I didn't want to see her like this. I placed a kiss on her forehead, and brushed my thumb across her wet cheeks.

“I'm sorry. For everything I've done to you. I'm sorry, Scarlet.” My eyes watered as I fought the tears from falling, she looked straight at me & I wish if I could pause that moment. Because I knew that what she was about to say, is something I've been running away from this whole time. I wanted to go deaf, I wanted to run away just not to hear these words coming out of her mouth.

“Your 15 minutes are over.” She said, pulling her knees to her chest securely. She kept a straight face, and stared at the wall in front of her without giving me any other look. I picked myself from her bed, walked towards the door. My head was telling to leave & my heart was begging me to stay with her. I knew that she needed me because I needed her more than anyone else right now. But I couldn't force anyone into this, and if she wanted me to leave, I'll leave. I walked out, leaving her all alone inside. It somehow made me feel nervous, scared & helpless. I was worried about her, and I wish if she could let me stay.

It hurts to see her hurt.