You & Me.

Scarlet.

3:30AM

I knocked on the door, not too loud with my fingers. It was cold. Hell, I was shivering. I folded my hands into my chest, looking around me. The sky looked so dark, that the stars felt like little lights shining. All I could think of was “why the hell did I get myself here?”. This was a bad idea in the first place, I know that I should not have left my apartment. My hands were shaking, my head was spinning & I wasn't okay. That was the reminder to keep me standing in front of his door. I was getting too weak, and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed him more than anyone. The door let out a small squeak, opening as his lanky body appeared in front of me. It was obvious that he had just woken up. His eyes squinting as he looked at me. He rubbed them, gave me another look & probably trying to believe what he was seeing. I knew that he never expected me to show up, because I never would have. It's just that I was sick of not being around him anymore. His eyes widened realizing that this was reality.

“Scar-- Scarlet?” His voice was low, almost quiet. I raised my head, his eyes meeting mine. I knew that I looked like a mess. I was wearing nothing but my pajamas, & I only put the first shoes I found by the door which was my old black shoes. I knew that he had no idea why I was here, & I wish if he did because I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to say a word.

“Are you alright?” He asked, after a short silence. His dark eyes stared into mine in the dim lights, and I breathed in quickly, wrapping my arms around his torso. My fingers squeezed into his shirt, and I cried into his chest. I felt his warm hands wrapping around my waist, resting his chin against my head.

“I miss him so much, John.” I let out a sob.

“Hey. It's okay. It's gonna be alright.” He whispered rubbing my back softly. He placed a small kiss against my head. I raised my head, his face inches away from mine. I let out an audible gulp & rubbed my tears with the back of my hand letting go of him.

“Ca-- can I spend the night here?” I stuttered nervously folding my hands into my chest. He stayed silent, looking at me. “I can- I should probably leave-”

“No. No, Scarlet. You...” He interrupted me, “You can stay.”

I nodded my head nervously as he let me in. I walked into his apartment. The living room table was filled with empty beer bottles. Papers were scattered everywhere, and guitars were placed on one edge of the wall.

“Uh, I'm sorry about the mess.” He said, picking up the papers from the floor as he placed them inside a small cabinet by the tv. The kitchen was attached to the living room & his room was right down the hall as he leaded me to it. I walked behind him, slowly studying the place around me. The wall had pictures of what I suppose, his family, because I spotted Mr O'Callaghan in one of the pictures. Others were probably of his band, and as we walked, one picture grabbed my attention. It was us, when we were eating together at the hospital cafeteria. I was laughing at something he said, and he was looking at me, a smile planted on his lips.

“Shay took this picture without telling us.” He chuckled softly, rubbing the back of his head. “I.. I thought I'd frame it & keep it here... If-- If you don't mind, I mean.”

“No. It's okay.”

“This is- this is uh my bedroom.” He opened the door, as I walked in first. It had nothing but a king-size bed & a desk that had a typewriter on it with some drawers. The dressing room had a cabinet & the toilet was there too. I walked slowly towards the bed, sitting on it. “I- I'm gonna sleep in the living room. You.. you can call me if you need anything.” I didn't know what to say, but I wish if I could somehow tell him that I wanted him here & I wanted him to stay. I nodded my head as he walked outside the room leaving me alone.

I looked around his room. The desk was full of books & papers as I slowly made my way towards it. I looked through it spotting the same notebook he had when we were road tripping to Boston. I couldn't help myself, as I slowly ran my fingertips through it. I opened the book, and it was filled with scribbles & probably songs that he wrote. One that took my attention, because I noticed that it was written on the same date he left Boston.

It's killing me to let her go. To get the nerve to walk right out that door felt like I was leaving someone forever. But she doesn't need me anymore, because I lied. I hurt her, and I deserve to be hurt. I can't get her off my mind ever since I left. Her blue eyes, her content smile & the way she's subtly hit my chest whenever I made her laugh. She's like the moon & I'm the stars. Maybe I'll never be able to hold her anymore, but as long as we're under the same sky, it felt right. I don't know if I'll ever see her again, but I knew one thing; I didn't want to fall in love, not at all. But at some point she smiled and holy shit, I blew it.

She told me once that I will find someone I love, that someday I'm gonna look at someone like they're the most important thing in the world. All the things she said made me realize that I was lying to myself this whole time. I fell for her & I can never find a way to get up. But everything doesn't make sense at the moment.

Maybe one day we’ll meet again when we’re different people. Maybe then we’ll be better for each other.. But for now I've got nothing but these thoughts in mind. Thoughts that would eat me alive.

Running through the other pages, lots of them were like letters, sent to me. My eyes watered, and I felt a tear slipping into one of the pages. I wish if he wasn't doing this, I wish if it was easy to let him go. I put the notebook back to its place as I started walking back and forth across the room. I ran a hand through my hair, closing my eyes and trying to think. I ended up finding myself leaving his bedroom, and as I walked around the dim apartment, I found him lying on the sofa in the living room.

“Are-are you awake?” I spoke, clearing my throat. I slowly tip toed, to face him and saw his dark eyes staring into mine.

“Uh. yeah, I- I couldn't sleep.” He was lying on the sofa in a sleeping position. “Is everything okay? Do- do you need anything?” I sat on the coffee table staring at him. He was doing all these things to try and let go of me. The writings, the letters, and everything. We were both trying to let go of each other, but we both knew that we could never do that. I was still silent as a small unnoticeable smile appeared on my face. I rested my knees on the floor so I could face him right. He looked worried, and surprised. I wrapped my hands around his neck, our foreheads & noses touching.

“I'm okay. I'm fine.” I whispered smiling. “I just wanna spend the night next to you.” I said, tears filling my eyes.

“Are you.. Are you crying? Is everything okay?” John rubbed his eyes and sat down from his sleeping position.

“No. I'm okay.” I chuckled rubbing my tears. “John?”

“Yeah?” He answered, worry filling his eyes.

“I'm sorry.” my voice cracked, as I wrapped my hands around his neck and dug my face into his shoulders. I sat on top of his lap, as he rubbed my back softly. My hands cupped his cheeks and I looked at him closely. His dark green eyes, pink thin lips and the little freckles that formed on the bridge of his nose. I stared at him in the darkness, for what felt like forever.

“I'm sorry because I kept pushing you away.” I whispered. “But now I'm.. I'm here and I don't want to be alone ever again.” I spoke waiting for him to say something. He just kept looking at me, and I couldn't study his eyes. “You have the right to be mad at me and I'm so-”

“Shhh. Don't ever say that.” He whispered, closing his eyes as I felt his hot breath against my skin. He softly attached his warm lips to my forehead. “You know I love you.” His voice was soft, as the words came out of his mouth. I hugged him again, this time tightly. My fingers gripping onto his shirt. That's when I felt safest, I felt like there was nothing else in this world that would pull me away from him. I haven't felt this safe in such a long time, that I forgot how it felt.

“I love you so much. You brought out the best of me, John and I'm thankful for that.” I let go, cupping his cheeks. He stared at me, his haunting eyes moving down from my eyes, nose, and to my lips. I leaned in, his lips touching mine felt like I was dreaming for a second. I felt like I disconnected from the world as our tongues danced together. I pulled him, closer, harder that he let out a hot breath. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted him, I wanted him now more than ever. He pushed my arms above my head as he laid on top of me. He kept kissing me, touching me in the right places. His kisses went down my neck, to my collarbone. I wrapped my hands around his neck, wrapping my legs around his torso. He suddenly stopped for breath, looking at me.

“Are you.. are you sure? I mean, I don't wanna push you too muc-” I interrupted him, pulling his body closer to mine as I kissed him. Taking off his shirt, his eyes full of lust. I laid on top of him, kissing down his bare skin. It all felt right & I couldn't change a thing.