I Could Be Your Perfect Disaster

I can barely remember anything after that moment. The moment I agreed to try heroin. I'm pretty certain Josh and I stayed at the park, laughing and doing other childish things. Heroin gave me this feeling like, I was actually happy for once. Maybe I could understand now why Josh did it. I just hoped it wasn't an every day thing...

I somehow woke up in my bed. I don't even remember coming home. My whole body ached. I didn't want to move at all. I'm glad my mom worked during the morning so she wouldn't have to question me on why I stay in bed almost all day.

My phone started ringing and the noise made my head pound. I answered and it was Matt. "Hey Leah, what are you up to?" I tried my best to not sound like I felt. "Nothing interesting, I just woke up." He chuckled. "Well, how about we hang out today? Maybe grab a bite to eat?" I couldn't say no to Matt, I'm sure it was a harmless date. But something was eating me up inside telling me to not lead him on. "Um..yeah sure, why not." "Great! See you later then." He sounded adorable when he was excited. It just made this whole situation with him more difficult. "Sounds good," I smiled. "Bye, Matt."

I continued to lay in bed. My body felt..weird. I was starting to crave the high I felt last night...

No. I can't be saying that. I swear I'm not addicted, it's not possible to get addicted to a drug after the first time you try it, right?

All I knew is, I wanted more. I needed to call Josh.

What about my plans with Matt? I can't just ditch him...but I could make up a good excuse to get out of it, and that could prevent me from leading him on even more...so it's a good thing if I cancelled on him..right?

So many things were rushing through my head at once and I had no clue what to do. I didn't want to blow off Matt for Josh. At the same time I did. I didn't want to do drugs again. Yet, I was craving that feeling. I was starting to freak out.

I grabbed my phone and dialed Matt's number again. It rang twice before he answered. "What's up, Leah? Miss me already?" I could feel him smirk over the phone. I let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, um listen..I completely forgot I promised I'd help my mom with something tonight...I'm really sorry.." "Oh, that's okay. We can always save our plans for another night." I smiled at how understanding he was. "I'm glad you're not mad." He giggled. "Why would I be mad? Moms come before friends." I felt bad knowing I lied to him. "That's the truth, so I'll talk to you later. Bye."

I felt like such a horrible person, but I almost didn't care. I called Josh and told him to meet me at that park again later tonight.

I don't know why I wanted to do this to myself, I just know I can't stop now.