I Could Be Your Perfect Disaster

I slept pretty late and woke up to my clock saying 5:00 p.m. I felt better and rolled out of bed so I can go downstairs and make sure my mom didn't think I was dead.

I found her in the kitchen, and it looked like she was starting to make dinner. "Well there you are! I had a feeling you'd never wake up. Guess you had more of a rough night then you explained." She chuckled to herself. I just walked over and sat in a chair next to the counter. "Did I miss anything interesting?" She slowly shook her head. "I just went out to the store to grab a few things. When I came back, you were still sleeping so I left you there." I nodded. I felt like I needed fresh air since I was cooped up in my room for a decent amount of hours. "Do you mind if I go out for a bit?" "To go where?" "No where in particular, I just want to go for a walk. Explore the sights of good ol' Vancouver." She gave me a weird look but nodded. "As long as your home for dinner." I smiled and made my way back to my room, throwing on some decent looking clothes so I didn't look disgusting.

I threw on a pair of black leggings with some black boots and a blue sweatshirt and made my way to my bathroom so I can put some makeup on. I never really had issues with makeup like other girls, I could put it on fairly quickly.

I brushed my hair and went back downstairs. "I'm leaving!" I saw my mom poke her head out from the kitchen. "Okay, remember don't be back too late!" I nodded and went out the door closing it behind me.

The cool Vancouver air tossed my hair around and I began walking down my driveway, onto my road. Acadia road. I never realized how nice it was around where I lived. I continued walking until I reached what looked to be a small park. It had a fountain in the middle, with several benches placed around it. The sun was beginning to go down but people were still there, doing various things. I smiled at how peaceful it looked and began walking towards the park to grab a seat. As I walked to a particular bench, I noticed a familiar black colored hair beaming from the rays of the sun. The guy was just sitting there, seeming to be staring at the fountain. I could notice he was wearing sunglasses and I could see smoke coming from his hand. He obviously was smoking a cigarette. I walked even closer and I realized it was Josh.

My whole body froze. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to him? What if he remembers what happened at the party and doesn't want to talk to me? What if he regrets it? I felt that sick feeling coming back to me, only now it was happening because of fear and not alcohol.

I stood there for about a minute, thinking about my next move. By then I saw Josh throw his cigarette on the ground and begin to get up from his seat. I couldn't move fast enough and soon his eyes caught my gaze. I could faintly hear him say my name. I walked closer. He seemed to begin to smile. It made my heart beat fast. I noticed him walking faster, coming closer to me. "Hey Leah, how are you feeling?" Did he know I puked too? Did he know how sick I got? Or was he just assuming? "Better, I ended up puking a lot last night." He giggled. "It's okay, so did I. You want a cigarette?" I never really smoked unless I was drunk but I nodded anyway, I guess just as an excuse to be with Josh longer.

We sat on the same bench he got up from and he handed me a cigarette. We sat in silence for a couple minutes and I felt so awkward. What if he was thinking about what we did? I know I was thinking about that. At least I know he doesn't hate me. I heard him sigh. Oh no, maybe he did. "I'm really sorry about what happened at the party. I didn't mean to be all over you like that," Why was he apologizing? Quite frankly, I enjoyed it. "I really hope you don't hate me. I'm not one for hook ups." He doesn't like hook ups but he hooked up with me? Does that make me special? Of course not Leah, what are you thinking? "It's fine Josh, really. I was the one acting stupid and kissed you first. I could never hate you for something like that." I could see him faintly smile. "You only kissed my cheek, I kissed your mouth. You didn't do anything bad." He laughed at himself. "I guess but it's totally fine." He smirked at me. Why was he doing that? "I mean, you could've pulled away but you didn't." Shit. Did he catch on that I basically had a crush on him? Well, not basically, I DID have a crush on him. I felt my cheeks get red. "Oh, well, I-um.." He still had that smirk on his face. "Well you know what, I was drunk okay! I had no idea what was going on!" He just chuckled. "Mhm, so you're saying if I did it again, you'd pull away?" I nodded. "Interesting..." I looked at him. "What is?" He just looked at me with those perfect blue eyes that sent my heart into a frenzy. Before I could even blink I felt his lips collide with mine.

Was this really happening again? SOBER? Or was my whole life a dream?

I felt him pull away slowly and I opened my eyes. He smirked again. "You didn't pull away." I sighed, feeling defeated. "You caught me off guard!"

He chuckled. "Suuuureee, let's go with that one." He winked at me. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

He was so perfect and...well I wasn't. Why would he kiss me again? Did it mean something? Probably not. I'm not going to get my hopes up, I do that too often and I'm always let down.

Then I felt sadness crawl it's way into me. The guilt from Matt was eating me up alive. I had to figure out what I was going to do because I couldn't take this feeling anymore.

"Could I ask you something?" I watched Josh take another drag from his cigarette before responding. "Sure, what's up?" I looked down at my hands and thought about what I was going to say. "About that kid Matt...what happened between you guys?" I felt like I blurted that out in the worst way but I had to get my point across. Josh just kept staring forward and didn't say anything for what felt like forever. I heard him sigh. "Why do you want to know?" "Well...because, at the party when I told you I was with him, you seemed to get edgy. And if you want me to be honest with you...." Should I tell him? What if it hurt his feelings? I had to be truthful. "...he said he didn't want me to hang out with you. Why is that?"

Josh put his head down and the sadness struck me again. What did I just do?!? I ruined a friendship with Josh that barely even started. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. Stupid. I'm so stupid. I never hated myself more than in that moment.

Finally, Josh looked over at me. He seemed to hold my gaze for a while before saying anything. He sighed again. "Look, I really don't like getting into detail with my whole situation with Matt. Let's just say, we were in a band together and things took a sharp turn for the worse. I didn't mean to make it that way but Matt is a stubborn bitch and won't forgive me. Neither will the rest of the band, no matter how much I try to apologize. So we all went our separate ways, and I've never felt better. But if you want to listen to Matt and never talk to me, then that's your call. I have no say in it."

I couldn't believe everything I just heard. I didn't even want to ask anymore questions about it because Josh seemed so aggravated. I caused him to get mad. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I tried so hard to not have them spill over. I didn't know what to say. It sounded like Josh didn't care if I was his friend or not. Maybe Matt was right, maybe I shouldn't associate myself with him.

I heard a phone ringing and it was Josh's. "Hello?....yes okay, okay. Okay mom, goodbye." Josh looked over at me. "I have to go. I'm sorry, I'll see you around."

And with that, he was gone. So I let my tears silently fall.