Bring You Back

“Jaaaaack, are we there soon?”

“Damn, this is the fucking tenth time you ask, I already told you that it’d be any minute. Not my fault we got into that fucking storm!”

“Jaaaack, I need to pee!”

“Shut the fuck up, I can’t drive faster.”

It was the middle of the night, Jack and Alex were driving for hours. After half of their way to Baltimore, it started raining and one hour later the rain increased to a storm. Jack was barely able to see the road. Normally he wouldn’t be driving, but this time Alex drank and therefore wasn’t able to do it.

“Shouldn’t we be there already?” Alex grumbled.

“Be thankful that there’s barely any traffic, otherwise we would never arrive, and now be fucking quiet already, and stop being so goddamn annoying!” Jack snapped.

Alex turned away sulking and stared out of the window. He couldn’t see anything due to the rain.
“Listen Alex, I’m so-“ the younger man started, but he was cut off as Alex turned his head and saw something directly coming at them.

“JACK, BE CAREFUL!” he screamed in panic. Frightened Jack turned the wheel, causing their car to drive a swerve. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! YOU’RE KILLING US!” Alex yelled, his voice full of fear.

The car started to get out of control, it was sliding over the wet road until it crashed into another car.
The driver of that car called the ambulance, and when it arrived neither Jack nor Alex was conscious.

--

Jack woke up having the worst headache he ever had.

“A-Alex?” He could barely get the word out. “He’s awake,” a female voice stated. Jack could hear someone leaving the room. “Where’s Alex?” he asked with a husky voice. “Can you hear me? What is your name?”

The dark-haired man opened his eyes. “Weren’t we in the car? Are we in Baltimore already?”

“You were involved in a car accident. Can you tell me your name, Sir?”

“Jack Barakat. Listen, there was someone else in the car. Where is he?” The nurse wrote down something Jack couldn’t see from his current position. “Yes, we found someone next to you. May you tell me his name as well?”
“Alexander William Barakat. And now tell me where the fuck he is!”

The nurse ignored his question and wrote down what was probably Alex’s name. “Your husband?”
“Yes, but you’re not answering my question!” Jack exclaimed, getting impatient.
“Just rest a little. I’m coming back later, and then we can talk about everything.” With that, she left the room, leaving Jack with questions and worries.
If there weren’t so many tubes connected to his arm, he would’ve gone after her, but he was practically chained to the bed, so all he could do was wait.

--

After what felt like hours, the nurse was coming back into the room and as soon as the doors were closed, Jack started to throw questions at her. “Where’s Alex? What exactly happened? What hospital is this? What kind of tubes are that? When can we go home?”

The nurse offered him a fake-looking smile and sat down on a chair next to the hospital bed.
“Mr. Barakat, you and your husband were on your way to Baltimore?”
“Um… yes. Is that important?” Again, she ignored his question.
“Can you remember what happened before the crash?”
Her ignorance pissed Jack of.

“I don’t know, we fought, I don’t know what happened after that. Now stop ignoring me, I want to know if Alex is okay!”
“Well. Our checkups told us that you only suffer from little injuries. You were extremely lucky. In a few days you may go home, the hospital already informed your sister, she’ll pick you up.”
“But what about Alex?”
She inhaled sharply. “Mr. Barakat, I’m sorry to tell you that your husband did not survive the accident. When our team arrived on the scene of accident, it was already too late. I’m sorry for your loss.”

For a moment, everything went black. Alex was dead. That couldn’t be true. And it was all Jacks fault. Why did he insist of driving home at night? The next day would have been in the daylight and Alex would’ve been sober and able to drive. Alex was a better driver than Jack, that was for sure. If he would have given in, maybe Alex would still be here.

--

“What are you doing, Alex?”
“I’m drinking something, as you can see. Why?”
“Because you can’t drink, you still have to drive!”
“Oh come on, we can still drive home tomorrow. It’s not like we have anything to do.”

“Hey!” Caleb, a longtime friend of Jack and Alex, came over to them.
Alex said, “Hey man. Was nice seeing you after all this time. Too bad we can’t stay longer”
“Yeah, it’s a bummer. Unbelievable you two got married! Can I visit you guys in Baltimore some time?”

“’Course!” Alex grinned.
“Speaking of Baltimore, when are you heading home?” Caleb wanted to know.
Jack explained, “Tonight, so we reach Baltimore tomorrow morning.”
“Man, you sure you still wanna drive tonight? I heard there’s a storm coming up. And Alex drank something, can he even drive like this?”
“I’m gonna drive, then. I also have a license, you know?”
“Undeserved” Caleb muttered, which caused Alex to break into a fit of laughter.
“No, but seriously, stay another night. I don’t want you to cause an accident or something.”
“If Jacky thinks, tonight is better than tomorrow, we’ll do it like that, it’ll be okay” the elder soothed his friend.

Jack grinned. Why should they cause an accident? Ridiculous.

--

If he just listened to Caleb. Or Alex. What did he do? What was he supposed to tell Caleb? Or Alex’s parents? Or Zack and Rian? Or anyone? They would hate him. He hated himself for what he had done.

“Mr. Barakat?” The nurse whose name Jack still didn’t know tore him away from his thoughts.
“I know that this is a shock for you, but-“
“NO! JUST BE QUIET! I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT, OKAY? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” Jack screamed while tears ran down his cheeks. What did that nurse even know about him or Alex. It wasn’t her life that just fell to pieces.
To his surprise she followed his request and left the room.

A few days later it knocked on his door. May came to get him.
“Oh Jack, I can’t believe it, I’m so, so sorry” she said and sat on his bed. She engulfed him in a big hug and silently cried into his shoulder. Alex was almost like another brother for her.

--

Home. Was it even home, without Alex? Jack didn’t know, he only knew that it was terribly empty and terribly silent without his husband. May did as he told and went to her apartment after dropping him home. The younger just wanted to be alone. He wondered if Alex parents knew already. They probably did. It must have been terrible for them to lose their son. Zack and Rian probably weren’t informed though. Maybe he should call them. But he couldn’t, not yet. All he wanted to do was sleep.
The next few weeks were pretty unspectacular for Jack. After Alex’s funeral he only left his bed to get food or use the bathroom. Sometimes May, Zack or Rian visited him to see if he was still alive or to make a vain attempt to get him out of the house.
But one day everything changed.

In the middle of the night, Jack woke up. He opened his eyes and groaned. In his dream Alex and he were on vacation on the beach. He closed his eyes again, hoping he would fall back to sleep and return to his dream, but then he heard a small cough next to him. He jumped at the unexpected noise and turned his head to the side, where his eyes met with familiar caramel colored ones.

This was enough to fully wake him. “A-Alex…?” Alex just smiled and looked at him.
Thoughts run through Jacks head. How could Alex be here and alive? He decided that he could still think about this later and threw himself into Alex’s arms and kissed him, he was just so happy that he could still do this, against all logic.

After he calmed down a little, he lied his head next to his husband’s and turned his head to look at him. “Why are you alive? Was this all just a dream? A nightmare? It was a dream, wasn’t it?”
Alex shook his head. “We talk about that later, okay?”

It was okay for Jack, because his Alex was here, who even cared how it was possible?
His hand clasped Alex’s so tight that his knuckles turned white. As if he was afraid that the other man would just disappear. And he was afraid. What if this was just a dream and Alex didn’t come back? Or what if he simply went crazy? “Just stop thinking for a moment, Jacky” Alex said softly. Jack did as he was told and fell asleep soon after.

About two hours later he woke up again and to his surprise, Alex was still lying next to him. He couldn’t believe that he didn’t wake up to an empty bed. He laughed nervously. “I had a terrible dream, Alex. You died in a car crash…”

With a sad smile Alex caused him to stop. “Jacky, it… it wasn’t a dream. “
“But how… you… what?” Confused Jack looked at his husband, not quite understanding what he meant.
“Wait… you don’t exist? I’m just imagining this… I’m crazy! This can’t be true, Alex, tell me it’s not true!” Jack buried his head in his hands. All he wanted was for everything to be okay again.
“Listen, Jack, you are not crazy. You’re right, I’m buried already, but somehow I’m still here, okay? Everything is just fine.”
“But…” Alex put a finger over his mouth to keep him quiet.

Before anyone had time to say anything more, the front door opened. “Jack?” Rians voice sounded through the bedroom wall.
There was a knock on the bedroom door and Rian entered the room, followed by Zack. Both of them were surprised to not see Jack crying, sleeping or staring at the TV like a zombie. They were even more surprised when Jack smiled and greeted them. Normally he barely acknowledged their presence.

“Everything okay, Jack? You seem… different” Rian asked, obviously confused by Jacks odd behavior.
Jack shot a glance at Alex, who looked at him piercingly. Apparently neither Zack, nor Rian were able to see Alex. Jack decided not to tell them, not risking getting sent to a psychiatric ward.

“Get dressed, we’re going out tonight” Zack announced. Hesitating Jack looked at his husband. He didn’t feel like going out, he’d rather find out how Alex could be here, but the latter nodded enthusiastically at Zack’s announcement and said, “Don’t worry Jack, I can come with you, if you want that.”

“Yes!” Jack yelled with excitement, which caused Zack and Rian to exchange confused looks. Their friend really acted weird that day.

Twenty minutes later they left the house, Alex not leaving Jacks side. Not even when they went to a club and got drunk. Not even when Zack dragged Jack out of the club and not when Jack hung over the toilet bowl later that night. In fact, he stayed with Jack until he laid down and fell asleep.

The next morning started with a hangover for Jack. He sat up and stared directly in his love’s brown eyes. It surprised him, again, because this time he really was sure to not find Alex in his bed.
“Good morning. You should probably take something against your headache.”

Groaning Jack headed for the kitchen, where he got pain killers and sat on the table. Alex hopped on the counter and looked at him expectantly. When his partner didn’t say anything, he started a conversation. “What are your plans for today?”

Jack looked up, puzzled by the other men’s question. What his plans were? He didn’t make plans since his life shattered to pieces. Alex rolled his eyes. “You will go out. You can’t stay in this apartment forever, just because I’m dead!”

Jack answered, “And where am I supposed to go?” slightly annoyed.
“That’s your decision, but I heard there’s a concert in Towson tonight. Why don’t you go there?”
“Well, I don’t know…” Jack mumbled and looked out of the window.
“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? Just go, it’s gonna be fun! When did you have fun for the last time? Come on.”
“Will you… come with me?” he asked unsurely.
“If that’s what you want.” The younger boy nodded. “Okay. I’m going.” Alex smiled happily and gave Jack a quick kiss on the cheek.

In the evening, both men stood in the (really small) crowd. The band was not exactly well-known, but Jack didn’t mind. Back in the day he went to tons of shows like this with Alex.

He truly had fun that night, he didn’t think of how his husband died a short time ago and how he was with him on a concert right now, even though that’s impossible. Dead people don’t go to concerts, but in that moment Jack couldn’t care less, neither did he care about the fact that there were constantly people reaching through Alex or dancing into him.

After the show he stayed at the venue that included a small bar. For a moment he forgot that Alex was only visible for him.

“Are you talking to yourself?” Jumping at the stranger’s voice, Jack remembered everything at tried not to think about how weird he probably looked from an outsiders’ perspective.
“I… um… no… I mean… okay, yes” He felt the redness creeping on his cheeks, it was so embarrassing. “It’s okay, I just wanted to know. Are you alone here?” the voice, which belonged to a good-looking man his age, asked. “No-… yes” Jack blushed even more, if that was possible.
“Yes or no?” The man laughed. “Um, yes” Jack said, still extremely embarrassed.
“Nice, you can talk to me instead of yourself! I’m Josh!”

“Jack. Nice to meet you” the other mumbled.
“And, Jack? What are you up to?” Josh said with excitement in his voice. Jack decided not to bring Alex up since this was their first conversation and he didn’t know Josh at all.

So he left everything that contained Alex out and just told Josh about Zack and Rian, his Job (he called in sick for the last couple of weeks) and about his interest, in return Josh told him about his friends, Dan and Max, that he moved here from England a few years ago (when he mentioned that Jack immediately thought about Alex, who was still standing next to him) and what else he did, playing guitar and singing for example, another thing he had in common with Alex.

But in general, they both shared a lot and before they parted they exchanged numbers.
Jack had to admit that going to the concert was a good idea and he was glad that he listened to his husband.

“You like Josh, don’t you?” the elder asked when they finally went to bed. “Yeah. He’s nice.”
“That’s awesome. I’m glad that you have contact to people who aren’t related to you and whose names are not Zack or Rian.”
“Mhm. It’s probably a good thing” Jack muttered under his breath, cuddled into Alex’s chest and fell asleep.

Three days later his phone started to ring. It turned out to be Josh.
“Hey Jack! Do you maybe wanna do something, some time?” He sounded just as excited as always.
Jack shot a glance at Alex, who nodded eagerly. “Sure, when are you free?”
“What about tonight?”

Unsure of what to do Jack bit his lip, but after a few moments of thinking he accepted. They agreed to go easy, they would stay at Josh’s, play video games and talk. Basically what Jack always did with friends, and Alex as well, when they didn’t feel like going anywhere. Besides that, Alex promised to come with him. With his husband by his side he felt much more confident.

The evening had a good start, Josh beat him at almost every game and the talked about important and not so important things, when finally Josh asked the question Jack didn’t want to answer.
“Say, are you in a relationship at the moment?”

Jack swallowed heavily. What was he supposed to say? ‘Yes, my dead husband is sitting next to you?’ How about ‘He’s dead, but I imagine he’s here?’

“Um, Jack, are you alright? Was that too private? Sorry, I didn’t wanna…”
“It’s fine” the other chimed in. He felt his stomach turning. “It’s just, I am, or was, married. He died about three months ago in an accident.”

“Oh.” The English man looked at him with sympathy. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t wanna make you feel bad, if I knew I wouldn’t have asked…” Because he didn’t know what else to say he just pulled Jack into a hug, he noticed that the other was about to break into tears.

A few minutes later Jack pulled away and wiped his cheeks, slightly embarrassed. “Okay, that wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s pretty embarrassing, really, we know each other for not even a week.” He laughed nervously.

“It’s fine, I know, we barely know each other, but I like you, and you can always talk to me, if you want to, that is. If you still wanna have something to do with me after tonight. “
This caused Jack to chuckle lightly. “I like you too, and if you don’t mind I still want to have something to do with you.”

He looked at Alex shortly, his love looked a little sad, but when he noticed Jack looking at him he smiled as if he wanted to say ‘I’m glad you found someone like Josh’. Most of the time, Alex knew better than talking to Jack when other people were around. It happened quite a few times that Jack forgot that Alex was invisible and answered him, which brought in weird looks from strangers.
Two day later it was Monday, and Jack woke up unusually early. Alex sat on the edge of their bed and looked upon his face.

When Jack saw the time he groaned and turned to the other side. “Don’t you want to get up?” Alex asked. “Why? It’s only half past six.”
“Well, I thought that maybe you could go to work.”
“Work?” Jack repeated slowly. Since he graduated high school, he worked at a small record shop. He called in sick for so long, that he was afraid he’d get fired soon. He was surprised that it didn’t happen already.

Maybe it was due to the fact that the owners of the shop knew Alex, they even showed up on his funeral. Whatever reason they had not to fire him, Jack was grateful for it.

“Think about it. You have something to do, you’ll see your colleagues again and you can be sure that you won’t lose your job, because that exactly will happen if you don’t go.”

Jack considered it. Alex was right. And he actually liked his job and the people there, it was made for him. He got dressed and hurried to the shop, followed by Alex, who kept telling him how proud he was of him.

“Jack?!” Jenna, one of the assistants, greeted him with a tight hug. “I wondered when you would return. If you would return. We all missed you here!”

She pulled him into the back room, where he told the owner he was back. To his surprise the owner was understanding and told him that he could start anytime.

While putting CDs into shelves, Alex was standing on his right and commented everything that happened in the shop. Now that he was back Jack noticed how much he had missed it.

By the time his shift was over, Jenna offered to drop him off and go for a coffee on the way. They talked about everything they could think of, Jack even told her about Josh. She said that she was genuinely happy that he met people after disappearing for so long. She really was concerned, because after all, she wasn’t just a colleague, she was also a friend.

At home he laid down on the couch, Alex climbed on top of him and kissed him. The younger man whispered, “I love you.” Alex was silent for a few seconds. “I love you too” he said, finally. Jack really wanted to know why he hesitated, but he decided against asking. If Alex would keep something from him, he sure would notice?

After moments of silence, an idea formed in Jack’s head. It was crazy and probably wouldn’t work, but he couldn’t keep himself from asking, “Lex, can we actually have sex?”
Instead of laughing at him, Alex nodded. “We can. But it won’t be like it used to be, just you know.” – “I don’t care. I want you. I want your body as well. Or your un-body, or whatever. I just want you.”
Alex just grinned and pulled him closer…

--

It was in the middle of the night when the younger man woke up. His husband laid on top of him, naked. It was true, the sex didn’t feel like before. Not worse though, just different. Deep in thoughts, Jack stared at the ceiling. He still wasn’t sure if he might be crazy or not. After all he just had sex with someone who was dead. Maybe he should seek psychiatric help. But he was terrified they would take Alex away from him.

Alex moved on top of him. Jack looked at him and they shared a quick kiss. Alex smiled.
“You should go back to sleep. Remember, you have work tomorrow.”
That was correct, Jack moved from the couch to the bed, set his alarm and laid down to get some more sleep.

On the next day his sister visited him after work, she was more than surprised to see him awake and dressed. “Were you out?” she asked suspiciously. “Only at work” he replied. Her eyes widened and she embraced him out of happiness. “You are progressing, Jack, I am so proud of you!” Those were the same words Alex always said to him. Said man stood behind him smiling. “You should spend the afternoon with her. I bet she misses you!”

Without thinking he followed his husband’s advice and asked May to go with her on that shopping trip she had planned for the day. To say she was thrilled would have been an understatement.

A whole three hours later Jack almost regretted his decision. His feet were swollen and he was completely out of breath. Sometimes he wondered, where May took all her energy from, apparently she wasn’t even close to being exhausted.

“Come on Jack, just a few steps until you reach the bench!” Alex encouraged him, after May finally agreed and gave him her okay to sit down. “That’s easy for you to say since you don’t really have to walk!” Jack panted.

“What did you say?” May was confused. “Hm? Oh, nothing!” he was responded quickly.
May looked at him skeptically, but decided to not say anything more to it.

“Jack!” a familiar voice yelled. “Josh” the other male said surprised. He didn’t expect to meet the English man here. May shot a you-know-him?-what-do-you-have-to-do-with-him?-look at Jack. “Later” he muttered to her.

Before he could think about how to greet Josh, the other had pulled him into a friendly hug.
Josh told that he was looking for a birthday present for his sister, but didn’t find anything yet. “Who is that?” he asked when he saw May. And maybe it was just Jack’s imagination, but he looked a little disappointed. “That’s my sister, May, May, this is Josh… a friend.”

“Nice to meet you, Josh" she said in the typical big-sister-tone she used on Alex too when they first met.
They talked for quite a while, May gave Josh advice for his sister’s present and after they finally parted, May almost freaked out. “WHO WAS THAT? He looked amazing, and he was polite and nice and apparently liked you! Where did you meet him? You didn’t hook up with him, did you? Tell me, how come you didn’t tell me?” It took a while until she calmed down and Jack could explain her how he met Josh at the concert and became friends with him.

At the end of the day he was barely able to move. He loved his sister, but at the same time she was one of the most exhausting people he knew.

“Well that’s what I would call a successful shopping trip!” Alex grinned. “Yeah, go ahead, make fun of me. If you had to walk like normal people do, you would lie on the ground crying!” Alex didn’t reply, mostly because he knew Jack was right.

The time went on, weeks passed. Jack went to work, went out with Zack and Rian and met up with Josh a few times. He liked the guy, he was funny and caring, it was just a pleasure talking to him.
Alex shared Jacks opinion on Josh. When Alex sat next to Jack while the younger was talking to Josh, he gave advice on what to say and h was happy for Jack when everything went fine.

Saturday night, Alex laid next to Jack right after they had sex. They regularly slept with each other, just like they did when Alex was alive.

The dead man whispered “Jack?”
“Hmm?” Jack hummed, still caught up in the great after-sex-feeling.
“I can’t stay here forever, you know?”

Jack jerked up, suddenly pulled out of his great feeling. “W-what are you talking about?”

“Jack, you need to understand that it can’t go on like that forever. I’m not really here, and you can’t depend on your dead husband for the rest of your life. It’s better for you if I go. You can look forward and leave the past behind. I’m not saying that you should forget everything, but you should have a relationship with someone who is alive. You deserve to be happy and to get everything I can’t give you anymore. I fulfilled my purpose, I helped you to get over your loss and start to live again. You made it, and now you’re free and ready for a fresh start.” Alex flashed him a smile which he could barely see through his tears.

“I don’t want you to go!” he cried and held on to his dead lover. “It has to be like this. If I stay, I’m only gonna hold you back and that’s not good. You need to look forward.”

“But… I just got you back. I don’t want to lose you again!” Jack sobbed.
“You aren’t gonna lose me. You never lost me. And if you see it in a different view, you never got me back. Look, I’ve never been here. I’m dead, Jack, and you are alive. That’s what separates us. You have people who are there for you. See that as a gift.”

“Does that mean, that, I… I really have been crazy all the time?” the living man asked blankly.
Alex smiled softly and shook his head. “You weren’t crazy and you aren’t crazy now. If I am Alex or a product of your fantasy doesn’t really matter. Important is that it helped you. It did, so now is my time to leave. We’re going to meet again when the time has come. Goodbye, Jack.” Alex flashed him a mysterious smile while Jack felt like there was a knot in his throat.

“But… I love you!” he yelled desperately. He didn’t want Alex to leave him. “I love you too, Jack. But that doesn’t change anything.” Alex kissed him again. “When you wake up tomorrow, I’ll be gone. You’re better off this way, trust me.”

So Jack did. The first thing he did on the next morning was looking for Alex, having hopes that maybe he didn’t go. He wasn’t there. Gone. Even though it wasn’t the case, Jack felt like Alex died a second time. He sat on his bed for hours, cried and screamed because he knew for sure that Alex wouldn’t come back, not this time. But he remembered what Alex said.

We’re going to meet again when the time has come.

--
50 years later Jack Barakat stood on the cemetery, looking a little lost. In front of him was a headstone that said

Alexander William Barakat
Dec 14. 1987 – Jun 24. 2014

He couldn’t believe time has passed this fast. He never got married again, even though he was in a relationship with Josh for many years. Almost three years after Alex left Josh admitted that he fell in love with Jack, and a few months after that, Jack was ready to be with him. They separated, but stayed in contact and Jack moved on, had relationships, some lasted longer, others didn’t.

He travelled the world and spent a lot of his time with his friends. All together he couldn’t complain.
He ran a hand through his grey hair. Today he felt weird, different, a feeling that he couldn’t place. That’s why he decided to visit Alex. Years passed but he never found out how Alex could come back for a certain time. But whenever he thought about it, he found that it didn’t really mattered, it happened, and he was grateful for it. After he spent about half an hour at Alex’s grave, he exited the cemetery, the weird feeling still not gone.

While he crossed the road, he heard squeaking of tires and someone honking the horn. He wasn’t scared or fearful, because deep down he was knew it would happen. The red-orange colored evening sky was the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes forever.

As soon as he closed the eyes of his human body, the eyes of a different body in a different place opened. Warm, brown eyes looked back at him, and he knew that Alex waited for him all those years. Finally, the time was there.