Through the Cracks
An Ass That Wouldn't Quit
Cartman stood before Mrs. Garrison, clasping his hands and batting his eyes. As for Mrs. Garrison, she squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head. “That’s quite alright, Eric. You may take your seat.” Please, God, don’t make me scope out the mother of all fat asses. She opened her eyes, hoping, expecting to see Cartman anywhere other than directly in front of her. But there he was.
“But you’re supposed to check everybody!” A little bit of Cartman’s frustration burst forth, but he regained control of it. “Part of being an educator is treating all students equally.” There was nothing easy about preaching equality through clenched teeth, even though he knew Kyle would see it differently.
Kyle stood up at his desk. “Oh, don’t you even.”
Cartman pulled on Mrs. Garrison’s arm. “It’s not fair to give me special treatment just because I’m smarter than everyone else. Especially Kyle.”
I want to let that blubbery piece of shit have it. Smarter than everyone? Who the fuck is he kidding? No, no. I won’t sink to his level this time. Kyle calmed himself down and tried to appeal to Mrs. Garrison’s selfishness. “Doesn’t anyone else think it’s a little bit strange that Cartman wants everyone to see his underwear so bad?” Kyle saw the unmistakable gleam of scheme in Cartman’s eyes. He’s definitely got something up his sleeve. Or down his pants… Sick.
When Mrs. Garrison seemed to be agreeing with Kyle, Cartman refused to give her the chance. He marched to the center of the classroom, making sure Butters and Kyle would have a perfect view, spun around and dropped his pants. There was dead silence for a few moments as the glittery hot pink strap embedded in Cartman’s flesh burned itself into the memory of everyone in the room. Suddenly, everyone reacted at once. Wendy covered her eyes. Tweek convulsed violently. Token threw up a little in his mouth. Cartman grinned like the Cheshire Cat. Yes. It is beginning to have an effect.
“Eric!” shrieked Mrs. Garrison. “What in God’s name are you doing?”
Cartman looked at his prime targets. Kyle was sitting motionless with a bizarre expression on his face, looking as if he had frozen in time while gearing up to sneeze. As for Butters, he was leaning forward onto his desk, tilting his head one way, then the other. He had a hint of a smile, but like Kyle, was transfixed. The time of reckoning has come. “Butters, tell everybody about your uncle tickling your butt!” There was another wave of surprise. Wendy put her head down on the desk and covered her ears. Tweek fell out of his chair. Token ran to the trash can and brought up his breakfast.
“Uh, I don’t think I wanna…” Butters began, but something about the sight of that bare skin framed in sparkly pink made him change course. “Well, I was visiting my uncle Bud and I needed my…”
Mrs. Garrison grabbed Cartman’s arm, turning the boy sideways so that the thong and its territory were hidden from the students. Butters fell silent. Why would I tell that story again? That’s just asking for a whooping.
Filled with rage and disgust, Mrs. Garrison scolded, “This is outrageously inappropriate!”
“I know!” Cartman shouted as Mrs. Garrison dragged him towards the chalkboard. “You checked everyone’s underwear but mine, and now you won’t let Butters tell his story-y-y!” The whining that worked like a charm on his mother was not working here.
When it became clear that Cartman was hung up on some injustice that only he could dream up, Mrs. Garrison sighed a desperate “What am I going to do with you?”
“Make him pull up his pants, maybe,” suggested Kyle.
“Jew-boy’s jealous!” Cartman taunted. He turned, placed his hands on his knees, and gave Kyle an obscene rear view.
(Woo hoo!) hooted Kenny, who was happy to get everyone's focus off of Butters. Most of all, he enjoyed Kyle's disturbed reaction to seeing a side of Cartman he never wanted to see.
Bill and Fosse had been giggling to each other since the beginning of the underpants inquisition, but they were much louder now. “He got on pink underwear.”
“Heh heh, that’s gay.”
“Yeah, gay.”
Mrs. Garrison looked at Cartman, who was again talking to Butters. Cartman’s patience was running out. “Come on, Butters!” He sat all over himself and all over Butters’ desk.
In response, replied with a meek, “M-m-my unc-cle opened the d-door…” He covered his mouth. It’s like my body’s havin’ a big ol’ fight. I don’t wanna tell that story, but when Eric asks, I feel like I hafta.
Kenny and Kyle got in between. Kyle tried to shove Cartman off Butters’ desk, and Kenny snapped his fingers in front of Butters’ face to get his attention. The boy kept staring at Cartman, or rather, staring at Cartman’s ass. (Oh shit.) Kenny turned Butters and shook him, trying to snap him out of the trance.
Bill pointed at Stan, who was stroking Wendy’s hair and promising to tell her when it was safe to look again. “Ha, Stan loves Wendy.”
“Stan’s so gay.”
There they all go, falling through the cracks. Knowing that she was losing her students, Mrs. Garrison shouted, “Everybody sit down and shut up!” Out of surprise more than obedience, everybody sat down and shut up. Even Cartman, who just sat down on the floor where Kyle had knocked him. “That does it. Eric, you are going to stand up here by the board as an example of inappropriate school attire.” The half-naked boy picked himself up and stood by the board, none too disappointed by his punishment. A few snickers made their way around the room, and Mrs. Garrison added, “And anyone else who disrupts my class can join him!” There was not a peep from the seated students until lunchtime.
Those hours flew by for Kenny. Usually, time at school went quickly because he amused himself with a girlie mag stuffed inside his textbook, and because he was never in any rush to go home. Today, his thoughts kept returning to Butters. Not that he preferred the boy to his centerfolds, of course. Man, I just can’t let this go. Why am I so hung up about this kid? Kenny’s own home life was nothing to brag about, but at least when he was punished, it was because he deserved it. In the Stotch home, anything was fair game for grounding. Cartman was up at the front of the room, with a shallowly penitent face until Mrs. Garrison’s back was turned. Never giving up on winning a bet, Cartman shimmied like the girls in the videos Kenny borrowed from his dad’s private collection. Why does everyone give Butters shit all the time? I guess if I don’t watch out for him, no one else will. If I stand by while that man hurts Butters again, I can’t call myself a superhero.
The hours were also going by rapidly for Butters. Lunchtime already? I bet Uncle Bud is home with Mom and Dad right now.
“But you’re supposed to check everybody!” A little bit of Cartman’s frustration burst forth, but he regained control of it. “Part of being an educator is treating all students equally.” There was nothing easy about preaching equality through clenched teeth, even though he knew Kyle would see it differently.
Kyle stood up at his desk. “Oh, don’t you even.”
Cartman pulled on Mrs. Garrison’s arm. “It’s not fair to give me special treatment just because I’m smarter than everyone else. Especially Kyle.”
I want to let that blubbery piece of shit have it. Smarter than everyone? Who the fuck is he kidding? No, no. I won’t sink to his level this time. Kyle calmed himself down and tried to appeal to Mrs. Garrison’s selfishness. “Doesn’t anyone else think it’s a little bit strange that Cartman wants everyone to see his underwear so bad?” Kyle saw the unmistakable gleam of scheme in Cartman’s eyes. He’s definitely got something up his sleeve. Or down his pants… Sick.
When Mrs. Garrison seemed to be agreeing with Kyle, Cartman refused to give her the chance. He marched to the center of the classroom, making sure Butters and Kyle would have a perfect view, spun around and dropped his pants. There was dead silence for a few moments as the glittery hot pink strap embedded in Cartman’s flesh burned itself into the memory of everyone in the room. Suddenly, everyone reacted at once. Wendy covered her eyes. Tweek convulsed violently. Token threw up a little in his mouth. Cartman grinned like the Cheshire Cat. Yes. It is beginning to have an effect.
“Eric!” shrieked Mrs. Garrison. “What in God’s name are you doing?”
Cartman looked at his prime targets. Kyle was sitting motionless with a bizarre expression on his face, looking as if he had frozen in time while gearing up to sneeze. As for Butters, he was leaning forward onto his desk, tilting his head one way, then the other. He had a hint of a smile, but like Kyle, was transfixed. The time of reckoning has come. “Butters, tell everybody about your uncle tickling your butt!” There was another wave of surprise. Wendy put her head down on the desk and covered her ears. Tweek fell out of his chair. Token ran to the trash can and brought up his breakfast.
“Uh, I don’t think I wanna…” Butters began, but something about the sight of that bare skin framed in sparkly pink made him change course. “Well, I was visiting my uncle Bud and I needed my…”
Mrs. Garrison grabbed Cartman’s arm, turning the boy sideways so that the thong and its territory were hidden from the students. Butters fell silent. Why would I tell that story again? That’s just asking for a whooping.
Filled with rage and disgust, Mrs. Garrison scolded, “This is outrageously inappropriate!”
“I know!” Cartman shouted as Mrs. Garrison dragged him towards the chalkboard. “You checked everyone’s underwear but mine, and now you won’t let Butters tell his story-y-y!” The whining that worked like a charm on his mother was not working here.
When it became clear that Cartman was hung up on some injustice that only he could dream up, Mrs. Garrison sighed a desperate “What am I going to do with you?”
“Make him pull up his pants, maybe,” suggested Kyle.
“Jew-boy’s jealous!” Cartman taunted. He turned, placed his hands on his knees, and gave Kyle an obscene rear view.
(Woo hoo!) hooted Kenny, who was happy to get everyone's focus off of Butters. Most of all, he enjoyed Kyle's disturbed reaction to seeing a side of Cartman he never wanted to see.
Bill and Fosse had been giggling to each other since the beginning of the underpants inquisition, but they were much louder now. “He got on pink underwear.”
“Heh heh, that’s gay.”
“Yeah, gay.”
Mrs. Garrison looked at Cartman, who was again talking to Butters. Cartman’s patience was running out. “Come on, Butters!” He sat all over himself and all over Butters’ desk.
In response, replied with a meek, “M-m-my unc-cle opened the d-door…” He covered his mouth. It’s like my body’s havin’ a big ol’ fight. I don’t wanna tell that story, but when Eric asks, I feel like I hafta.
Kenny and Kyle got in between. Kyle tried to shove Cartman off Butters’ desk, and Kenny snapped his fingers in front of Butters’ face to get his attention. The boy kept staring at Cartman, or rather, staring at Cartman’s ass. (Oh shit.) Kenny turned Butters and shook him, trying to snap him out of the trance.
Bill pointed at Stan, who was stroking Wendy’s hair and promising to tell her when it was safe to look again. “Ha, Stan loves Wendy.”
“Stan’s so gay.”
There they all go, falling through the cracks. Knowing that she was losing her students, Mrs. Garrison shouted, “Everybody sit down and shut up!” Out of surprise more than obedience, everybody sat down and shut up. Even Cartman, who just sat down on the floor where Kyle had knocked him. “That does it. Eric, you are going to stand up here by the board as an example of inappropriate school attire.” The half-naked boy picked himself up and stood by the board, none too disappointed by his punishment. A few snickers made their way around the room, and Mrs. Garrison added, “And anyone else who disrupts my class can join him!” There was not a peep from the seated students until lunchtime.
Those hours flew by for Kenny. Usually, time at school went quickly because he amused himself with a girlie mag stuffed inside his textbook, and because he was never in any rush to go home. Today, his thoughts kept returning to Butters. Not that he preferred the boy to his centerfolds, of course. Man, I just can’t let this go. Why am I so hung up about this kid? Kenny’s own home life was nothing to brag about, but at least when he was punished, it was because he deserved it. In the Stotch home, anything was fair game for grounding. Cartman was up at the front of the room, with a shallowly penitent face until Mrs. Garrison’s back was turned. Never giving up on winning a bet, Cartman shimmied like the girls in the videos Kenny borrowed from his dad’s private collection. Why does everyone give Butters shit all the time? I guess if I don’t watch out for him, no one else will. If I stand by while that man hurts Butters again, I can’t call myself a superhero.
The hours were also going by rapidly for Butters. Lunchtime already? I bet Uncle Bud is home with Mom and Dad right now.