Let's Waste Time

Chris's girlfriend went on spring break two weeks later, so he went back home to see her. And I—stayed alone.

I knew when he'd gotten back because I heard his door open next door. I bolted off the couch to greet him, but a girl was standing on the front steps when I opened the door. Chris stood beside her, and something in his eyes told me not to say anything. He froze and gave me a panicked look over her shoulder. I cleared my throat.

"Thought you were UPS. Waiting for a package," I said. Then I quickly snapped the door shut and went to sulk on my couch.

I wasn't jealous. I was. But I was going to deny it for the rest of my life. I was just lonely. I'd been the odd one out all my life. The unwanted daughter that didn't belong. The nerdy kid at school who struggled to make friends. I finally met the man of my dreams, and he was already married. The next man to show me any attention had a girlfriend too. How much more pathetic could I get? I'd spend the rest of my life trying to pick up scraps of affection from everyone I met. A little love here. A little sex there. Never the whole package.

Then I did something I probably should have done a long time ago. I leaned on my knees and sniffled. I tried to stop the tears from coming, but it didn't work. They started coming quicker until I had no choice but to let them drip down my face. Then I was sobbing. And I tried desperately to keep it down because I didn't want Chris to hear through the thin walls. I didn't want him to think I was upset about him or Heidi. I was just upset because my life was so shitty. I was destined to spend it alone.

The next morning I woke when Chris let himself into my apartment. I'd cried myself to sleep on my couch like the loser that I was. He leaned onto his knees beside me. I felt his fingers in my hair. I kept my eyes shut because I didn't want to talk to him. But then I felt his lips on my nose. I know I never made a rule about kissing on the nose. But that wasn't something someone did with someone they only had sex with. It was what people did with someone they cared about.

"I know you're awake, Marley," he said softly.

"I don't want to be."

"Why not?" I rolled onto my other side, so my back was to him.

"Because I hate my life."

"Why?"

"Because I'm lonely. The only two people I have both belong to someone else. I have a shitty job, and my family hates me. The guy I'm in love with has a wife and kids, and the guy I'm sleeping with lied to me about his girlfriend agreeing to an open relationship. It's stupid. I'm an idiot." He patted my arm.

"I didn't lie to you. I just didn't really want to introduce my girlfriend to the girl I sleep with when she's not around."

"It's still stupid."

"You're not stupid—maybe we both are. Sure, the sex is great. But we were so damn desperate for it that we ruined the one good thing we had going for us."

"What's that?"

"We were really good friends. And now things are complicated. And there's a lot of guilty feelings. It's kind of fucked up. All because we wanted to get laid. Or at least I did. I shouldn't have put you in this position."

I wanted to cry. I knew from the start that this was only ever about sex for him, but it was normal to want to be loved by someone. But, at that moment, I felt like I wasn't loved by anyone. I loved Trent, but sometimes it felt like the relationship was a little one-sided. And it hurt even more to hear that even Chris didn't love me. Was it wrong for me to want to be someone's only girlfriend?

He heard me sniffle and ran his hand up and down my back.

"Let's do something," he suggested. "Let's try to salvage as much of this as we can. Let's waste time. Go to a movie. We've never gone out before. We'll go get breakfast, catch a movie. Hang out. Like friends do. Like how we were before." I nodded and wiped my eyes on the blanket.

"Okay—I just need to shower and stuff."

"Meet you out front in an hour?" I nodded.

"Okay." He patted my arm one more time before leaving.

When he was gone, I sat up to find my glasses. Then I took a moment to collect myself before taking a shower and getting dressed for the day. I didn't try to go all out. I just made sure my hair wasn't terrible, and I looked somewhat decent. It wasn't a date, so I didn't bother with makeup or any of my nice clothes. Chris was waiting for me out front just like promised, and he didn't bother to dress up either.

Since it was still early, we decided to get breakfast first. We'd never done anything outside of the apartment building before. The farthest we'd gone from our own building was when we fooled around in his backseat that one time. Otherwise, this was entirely new.

He talked to me during breakfast. Chris was easy to talk to. He always had been. But I was still feeling a little awkward and depressed. He was obviously aware of it, but it didn't point it out. He just kept asking me questions and telling me stories to keep the conversation going. Occasionally, I'd notice him watching me as if he was afraid I'd burst into tears in the middle of the IHOP.

When we got to the movies, we picked something that we both might like and got settled in to watch. I still felt awkward because we usually watched movies on my couch with beer and take-out. But there we were, sodas and candy, sitting in large, uncomfortable seats with our clothes still on. I noticed him tapping his fingers on the armrest between us. I kept mine to myself.

"Are you okay?" I asked him as the trailers started.

"Fine," he said quietly.

Luckily, the movie started, and we didn't have to pay attention to each other. Not that I didn't feel him beside me. It was strange to have him so close but to not be touching. I could touch him if I wanted to. But we were just friends. So I couldn't hold his hand. I couldn't rest my head on his shoulder or cuddle him. We never did that. Not even after sex. This was probably his attempt to get us back to normal. No more sex. Which was still frustrating. Because I still wanted him. Even sitting there watching a movie in a public theater. I could feel the heat of his arm. His laugh made my heart jump. Sometimes he'd turn and smile at me, and my insides would go all squishy.

When the movie was over, we went right home. I could say that he was a gentleman by walking me to my door. But our doors were right next to each other, so it didn't count. Either way, we both stopped on the front steps and stood there, trying to figure out what the hell this all meant. My key stuck out bright and vibrant on his keychain. Right next to his stupid Hufflepuff one. And he really was a Hufflepuff. Through and through. I hated that he was so spot-on accurate in his decision. Because it meant he actually took the time to think about it like I did.

"So this was fun," he said, trying to sound cheery as he slowly picked through his keys. One of his keychains was from Star Wars too. God, he was such a nerd. It wasn't even an obvious one like a lightsaber or Vader or anything.

"Yeah—thanks," I replied. He stepped a little closer, and I looked up.

"Don't beat yourself up over all this, okay?" He pulled me into his arms. I stiffened for a moment since hugging wasn't something we usually did. "You're amazing. You're loved." I scoffed.

"By who?"

"Your friends seem to love you. I've only met them a few times, but they genuinely care." I sighed and reluctantly hugged him back.

"You know it's not the same."

"I know." And he kept holding me.

Finally, I wrapped my arms around his chest. I rested my head against him and shut my eyes. I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted to comfort me in his own small way. He did care about me. Even though he didn't love me. Even though this was destined to never be anything more than friendship and sex.

His hand moved to brush my hair behind my ear. I didn't like having my hair behind my ear, but I let him do it anyway. His fingers felt nice against my skin. Sometimes it was nice to just be touched. I turned my head and touched my lips to his cheek. The hug felt different. It was a gentle tease. Not exactly sexual. But it could be if we moved just the right way.

So I moved my lips to his. I didn't kiss him. But I could feel him. I could feel him breathing hard. There was a moment. We could have kissed. Maybe we both wanted to. But he didn't want this to be anything more than it already was. So he moved and dropped his head, letting my lips graze his forehead.

I still wanted to kiss him. I didn't know why. He was attractive, yes, but I never thought about Chris romantically. It was just like when we started having sex. I never thought of him that way because I thought he was so far out of my league that it would never happen. But once I realized it was a possibility, it got under my skin, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Chris could never love me. I wasn't the kind of woman he'd want to spend his life with. So there was no use in wanting something I'd never have anyway.

"Do you think this is a good idea?" I asked him when his lips pressed to the crook of my neck.

"It was never a good idea, Marley."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No." I sighed heavily. His lips were moving a little faster now. His breathing had picked up. My skin was tingling. This was supposed to be a way for us to salvage our friendship. We were obviously bad at it if we were ending the attempt touching each other like this.

"You can come with me if you want to," I suggested. He took a moment to answer, but I already knew how he would when his lips came to rest on my cheek again.

"Yeah," he said. "I want to."