Let's Waste Time

Chris stayed with me for the rest of the day. I wasn’t sure if he stuck around to keep me from going nuts again. I didn’t. I guess I wore myself out. I fell asleep in his arms in the morning, and he stayed with me until my phone rang from my bag in the other room. He shifted me so he could climb out and get it.

“Hello?” I heard him answer quietly from the living room. “She’s having a bit of a family emergency. So she wasn’t able to call in. She should be back to work tomorrow, but I’ll have her call you if anything changes… I’ll let her know… Thank you.”

He returned to my room and set the phone down on the nightstand. Then he climbed back into bed with me. I was wide awake now, but neither of us said anything. I just rested my head against his chest and wrapped my arm around him. He ran his fingers up and down my back. Then I sat up, and I kissed him, right on the lips. I knew we’d gone over the line, but it was too far to turn back. We’d already dug ourselves in too deep. I knew he didn’t love me. Even though I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him. But I wanted to take advantage of it while he was there. Before we had to talk about it.

He kissed me back. And he looked at me like he cared about me. Even though I hadn’t talked to him in weeks. Even though I still had Trent to deal with. I didn’t want things to go back to the way they were. I wanted it to be just the two of us. No Heidi. No Trent. Just me and Chris. A real relationship.

“Let’s get something to eat,” he suggested when I pulled back. I nodded, so we got out of bed and got dressed. I stuck with underwear and his shirt. He pulled his underwear and running shorts back on. Nothing more. It was clear he wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon.

Neither of us spoke while we cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. I wasn’t angry anymore. I don’t know what I was, though. Numb maybe. Or maybe I’d just come to terms with the fact that this was my existence, and I couldn’t do anything about it. A strange man had hurt my mom. She couldn’t bring herself to love me. But she’d chosen to have me anyway. Decided to raise me with a husband who knew I wasn’t his.

I knew, logically, that none of this was my fault. But that didn’t mean I didn’t blame myself. My mother couldn’t love me because I looked like him. My siblings hated me for what he’d done to her. It was easier for them to pretend I didn’t exist than to acknowledge that someone hurt her. I wasn’t enough for Trent to want to leave Sasha for. And now I wasn’t even sure he loved me at all. Maybe Chris was right. Now I was wondering if they even were getting a divorce. Maybe he’d just been lying to me the whole time.

Which was still my fault. My fault for being so stupid and naïve and actually thinking I was enough. I was constantly letting myself take the bare minimum. No wonder Chris only ever wanted me for sex. I wasn’t enough to be loved. How could anyone love me if I was so willing to take whatever scraps were thrown at me? Why would you feed a dog a steak if it was fine eating crumbs?

Once my kitchen was cleaned up, Chris made something to eat. Neither of us was any good at cooking, but we managed to make something edible. Then we sat down on the couch to eat. When we were done, I moved my legs over his lap and rested on his chest again. I was being clingy and probably annoying him. I was sure he had a job to get to. But he never complained. He held me back when I wanted him to hold me. And when the sun went down, and both of us were ready to go to bed, he let me lead him back into my bedroom. Where he kissed me and touched me in all the ways I wanted to be kissed and touched. Until I fell asleep satisfied in his arms, clinging to him the way I did that night we spent together by accident.

We didn’t talk about my biological father or even the time we’d spent apart. He didn’t ask about Trent, and I didn’t ask about Heidi. We didn’t talk a whole lot at all. I appreciated that he wasn’t pushing me to.

We both had to work the next morning. So when we woke up, I went to take a shower while he went to make breakfast. When I got out, he’d gotten me coffee from the coffee shop I always went to. We ate breakfast together. Then he took my face in his hands, and he kissed me. He left me with a promise that he’d be back when he was done working.

And he came through on it. He was in my apartment before I even logged out for the day. He told me to go with him. So we got in his car and drove to the nearest department store, where he told me to pick out new dishes for my kitchen. Then we went home. We made dinner. We cuddled and watched a movie. Then we went to bed and had sex. But it wasn’t like it used to be. Even when it got too intense and fast. It still felt different. He kissed me sometimes when he could catch my lips. We held each other like we never wanted to let each other go. And when we finished, there was no “Thanks, bye. See you later!” He would take off my glasses and set them on the table. Then he’d pull me into his arms and hold me until I fell asleep.

We spent two weeks together. Every single day. We had dinner together every night. Sometimes breakfast too. Sometimes we spent the night at my house. Sometimes I slept over at his. But we were always together when we weren’t working, or he wasn’t jogging. He had practice on Friday night, and I didn’t go with him. But when he came back, he had take-out and a movie. We’d cuddle on the couch together.

We didn’t talk much. I think he knew I was working out my own problems. And he was letting me deal with it and offering me whatever I needed at the moment. He let me be clingy to him. And sometimes we’d pass each other in the kitchen, and he’d plant a kiss on my head. But there were other times. When he’d take my face in his hands and kiss me long and deep. I’d cling to his shoulders, and my heart would race, and my head would feel floaty.

I was worried about the inevitable end of it. When he’d finally have to go home to call Heidi or when Trent would finally call. And we’d have to go back to how it was before. But I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted this. Every day of my life. I wanted it with Chris. Because after those two weeks there was no doubt in my mind that I was in love with him.

But then Trent finally called, and I had no choice but to deal with it. He wanted to see me. He promised to take me out to dinner to make up for the last few weeks of silence. I agreed to it before thinking it through. But I figured it was a good place as any to have this conversation. I needed to make a choice.

I had three directions I could go in. First, I could end it with Chris completely, continue my relationship with Trent. But only conditionally. He’d have to leave Sasha. Then, if her kidney disease was real, we could find a way to help take care of her and still be together. But it wouldn’t be in secret. Not the way it was before.

But I knew I’d miss Chris. We had something that Trent and I never did. So my other option was that I could end things with Trent. But I’d have to make conditions for Chris too. He’d have to leave Heidi and be with just me. And I had no way of knowing whether or not he even wanted to do that. I didn’t even know if he wanted to be with me at all or if he was just nice because I was having a breakdown.

So the only other option I had was to end it with both of them. Both of my relationships had been messed up from the start. I could fix it. Start fresh. Work on myself before trying to find someone new to love. No more Trent. No more dating married men. No more Chris. No more friends with benefits. I could get my life figured out, learn to forgive myself for all the things I kept carrying on my shoulders. And then maybe I’d be ready to love someone. For real. A real relationship that wasn’t built on a foundation of lies and guilt.

I wanted each of those options for different reasons. But, regardless, I was going to have to talk to Trent and Chris. So I logged out of work early before Chris could come home. I put on a white dress. It was the color of innocence, which made me feel like a fraud. But I wanted Trent to take me seriously. I didn’t want to show up as the nerdy innocent college kid who’d had stars in her eyes.

When I was finished getting ready, I peeked outside to make sure Chris wasn’t home yet. I didn’t want him to know I was going to see Trent. I was afraid he’d misinterpret the situation. I didn’t want to hurt him. But I didn’t know how to explain that I was going to talk to Trent and make a choice.

The front steps were empty, and his car was still gone. So I hurried out of the apartment and down the steps. We were supposed to meet just up the street at a little outdoor café. So, of course, it was just my luck that Chris’s car came to a stop out front right as I reached the bottom of the steps. His eyes met mine as he put it into park. I froze. I couldn’t move. He climbed out and looked me up and down. He knew what I was doing.

“You look beautiful,” he said. My heart ached. I looked down at the dress and picked at it. No one had ever called me that before. Trent called me cute sometimes. But it felt wrong now. Cute was something you called your secret teenage girlfriend. Not a grown woman you wanted to be with. No one had ever said it the way Chris just did. Like he meant it.

“Thanks,” I replied.

“Who for?”

“I um—I have a date.” His eyebrows furrowed. It did upset him. Even if he didn’t love me the way I loved him, it still hurt him. He cared about me. I wanted to comfort him. To explain that I was just talking to him. But he didn’t really let me get it out.

“I’ll see you later then,” he said. I nodded.

“Okay.”

He headed up the steps beside me and disappeared into his apartment. No goodbye. No kiss like he’d done every day for two weeks. Like just that morning when he held me for a long time with his hand over my cheek, gazing into my eyes and making me feel fluttery and content. When he kissed me on the nose and promised me he’d see me when he got home.

This was the right thing to do. I took a deep breath and turned on the sidewalk so I could meet Trent. The café was just around the corner. So it wasn’t that far of a walk. Trent was already waiting for me at a table when I approached. For once in his life, he was actually on time. There was a candle and even a rose. He was making an effort to be romantic. He must have known that something was up. The two weeks of silence wasn’t because he hadn’t called. It was because I hadn’t answered.

“Hey,” he said, standing up to greet me.

“Hi.” He leaned down to kiss me, but then I felt a hand wrap around my elbow, and I was yanked out of his reach.