Let's Waste Time

When I got home, I took a shower to wash away all the makeup and false innocence. Then I plopped down on the couch in my sweatpants and shut my eyes. I wanted to take a deep breath and work through all the adrenaline. But my phone started ringing. So I reached over to get it. No surprise, it was Trent. I considered not answering, but I finally decided he was going to need more persuading.

“Hello?”

“What the fuck was that?” he asked. He was clearly angry. I rubbed my eyes.

“I’m just tired, Trent. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“You could have given me a goddamn warning, you know?”

“People don’t usually issue warnings for breakups. The date was supposed to be a chance for us to talk about things. Chris wasn’t supposed to show up.”

“So what went wrong? You start fucking some random asshole, and now you’re willing to throw away everything we worked for?”

“Yes, actually. Just like how you started fucking some random teenage girl knowing you were lying about your marriage. Lying to your wife. That makes you the bad person. I know I’m a bad person too, but you’re not innocent. Don’t try to make me feel guilty about it. I already feel bad enough as it is.”

“Why did you even start seeing him anyway? Wasn’t I enough?”

“No. You weren’t. You hardly ever come around, and Sasha was pregnant again. You told me you were getting a divorce, but you were still having sex with her. And I was lonely and hurt, and Chris was my friend. We made a deal, and we set rules, but we broke them. He was there for me when you couldn’t get away from your family long enough. He always made time for me. Your excuse was always work, or how tired you were, or how Sasha needed you, or whatever. You’d just fuck me and leave. Why is it my fault that I was lonely? You and I aren’t married. I owe you nothing.”

“Don’t even try to blame this on me. None of us would be in this mess if you weren’t such a big flirt.”

“I was eighteen, and I didn’t know you were married. You kissed me long before you told me about Sasha. And I only agreed to keep seeing you because you told me you were divorcing her. So don’t try and act like I did this to you. You’re a grown-ass man who can make big boy choices for himself. I’m allowed to see whoever I want. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. So fuck off!” I clicked the phone off and stuck it back on the table.

I hated yelling at him. It hurt. I cared about him. I wanted us to have a life together. But Chris was right. I was eighteen. Just out of high school when I met Trent. And yes, I did flirt first. I did hit on him. But he could have easily put a stop to it. All he had to do was tell me he was married, and I would have left him alone. He didn’t have to kiss me. Or get me into bed. And THEN tell me he was married.

He used me.

The divorce was a lie to get me to keep seeing him. Sasha’s illness was an excuse so that he didn’t have to divorce her. Because she had no idea. She was just an innocent woman who had a husband who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

I didn’t know her. I never wanted to hurt her. And the fact that I knew about her at all made me feel awful. At the very least, I should have told him I’d date him once the divorce was finalized. But I didn’t. I let him manipulate me. I let him make me his perfect little mistress. I was so damn desperate to be loved that I believed every lie. I was willing to help him build them all just so I could keep being loved.

But I never had been. Not until Chris came into my life and fell in love with me by accident. But now I knew what real love felt like. And it was all those tender kisses and that clinginess. The way he always made sure I was satisfied and was always willing to open his arms to me afterward. To let me know I was wanted and deserved to be more than just someone’s occasional fuck.

Trent was the one who was supposed to love me. Chris was just supposed to fuck me. The wires had definitely been crossed.

He called me several more times after that. He’d leave angry voicemails, pleading voicemails, blow up my phone with texts that I ignored. It got so bad that I had my phone number changed just so I could put distance between us. He knew where I lived, and I was worried he’d show up one day and force me to talk to him. But that was one of the changes I had to make. I had to quit my shitty job and find something that made me a little happier.

I got a job at the comic book shop Albert worked at. I didn’t make nearly as much and I, unfortunately, had to leave my house to do work. But I was happier. The only problem was that it was going to be harder to pay my bills. But I was eager to get out of that apartment anyway. I wanted to make a fresh start. So I saved the money I would have paid on rent and got a new place closer to the shop. That way, Trent couldn’t find me if he found himself in the city again soon.

I just didn’t tell Chris I was moving. And I regretted that I didn’t. He gave me the space I asked for. He didn’t try to force me to talk to him. He just kept his distance and let me work things out on my own. Sometimes we’d pass each other on the front steps, and he’d give me a nod and a sad smile, and my heart would ache, and I’d wonder how much longer I could keep doing this. But I wanted to make sure enough time had passed before I asked him on a date. I wanted to make sure my life was on the right track before I gave in again.

I thought he’d still be there when I was ready. But once I got moved in, got settled, and let a month pass, I went to see him. I was going to apologize for taking so long. Ask him to go on an actual date with me. We could talk. Take things slowly. Build a relationship with a steadier foundation. But when I rang the bell for his apartment, an old man answered.

“Is Chris home?” I asked. He looked confused.

“Chris? No, he moved out a week ago. I’m just the maintenance guy. No one lives here now.”

Then my heart broke. It felt pointless to hope. Chris left. I didn’t have his phone number. We’d never exchanged them. I’d expected him to still be there waiting for me when I was ready. Of course he wouldn’t be. Why would he? He gave me the space I asked for. The time I asked for. And I took just a little too long. He was young and attractive. Why would he hold out for a girl he had a fling with once?

I guess things just weren’t meant to be.

Chris was right about one thing, though. My friends loved me. Doug, Todd, and Albert decided to spend more time with me since I was apparently a massive bummer as a single woman. So we started having weekly movie nights and spent a lot of time at the shop. I worked with Albert every single day. And then Todd and Doug would come by whenever they were off.

I always felt like that place was magical. It had a presence about it. A tingly feeling overtook my body whenever I walked through the door. It was a place where good fought evil and dragons were battled. My friendship grew stronger. I figured out what made me happy. I knew it was destined for great things.

So one day, when a man showed up, it was destined to change my life. I didn’t bother to greet him when the door dinged. Albert was behind the desk, so he did that for me. I was going through the comics to make sure they were organized correctly. I was weirdly good at managing them.

“Marley?” I heard. It wasn’t worded precisely like a question. This person knew I was Marley and knew I’d be there. It was an announcement disguised as a question. I looked up at the tall man standing next to me. He had thick, curly dark hair, dark eyes, and he was tall. He didn’t look much like me. And if someone from the outside saw us together, they never would have guessed we were siblings.

“Zig?” My eyes immediately got teary. He smiled and nodded. I hadn’t seen him since I left home at eighteen. Out of all my siblings, he and I were the closest. Of course, we weren’t friends exactly. Not the way we would have been if I had been one of them. But for a while there, it was just the two of us. Long before he knew how to hate me for my existence, he’d been the one to play with me on the playground. The one who wouldn’t let other kids bully me.

A sob bubbled out of me before I could stop it. I didn’t even think about the fact that he might not want to hug me. Instead, I just wrapped my arms around him and sniffled into his chest. He patted my back for a moment before pulling away.

“I’m sorry. It’s just really good to see you. What are you doing here?” I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

“I’ve been trying to track you down ever since you left. Mom got the letter with your new address. I saw it on the coffee table. So I decided to come see you.” I’d almost forgotten about that. I sent her my new address whenever I moved. Just in case she wanted to reach out to me. So she’d know how to find me. But she never did.

“I’m so glad you came.” He smiled again.

“Me too. It’s been too long. I’m really sorry I didn’t get here sooner. I’m sorry that I made you want to run away.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry I disappeared. I just didn’t think anyone wanted to find me.”

“You had every right to leave.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it really isn’t. We were just kids, but we should have been more understanding. You shouldn’t have been left out over something you couldn’t control. You were just a kid.” I nodded and wiped another tear. “I want us to be friends again. You’re still my little sister. I don’t want you to disappear again.” I sniffled.

“Yeah, okay. I’d like that. I really—I really missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too. We need to catch up. There’s a bunch you’ve missed out on.”

He hung out with me while I worked. We talked about everything going on in our lives. He told me about how our family was doing. Our mom became a bit reclusive and didn’t really talk to anyone other than our sister and her new baby. Our youngest brother had just graduated high school and had gotten into a good college.

After work, we had dinner together. That’s where we were when he asked about my love life. I hesitated to tell him. But eventually, it spilled out. I told him about Chris and how I’d made the mistake of asking for too much space and too much time. And how I didn’t know where he was now or if I’d ever see him again. He told me that if it was meant to be, we’d find our way back to each other. But it was a good thing that I was working on myself. So that when that happened, we’d be able to build something stronger.