Sweater Weather (or Whatever)

Once his last class – Philosophy of Sex and Sexuality – had ended, William tossed his bag onto a table on the quad and stretched. Absolutely no more classes until the following Tuesday, where all he had to worry about was the midterm. He sighed, allowing himself a few moments of solace before he dived into his work. He observed the quad, empty or emptying, most people going home for the short break. Surely the silence would enable him to get some work done, wouldn’t it?
He chuckled softly to himself at the thought, sitting down and taking out his planner. He was on duty again tonight, and once more Monday night. Bullshit, he thought to himself, knowing he wouldn’t have gone home regardless. Sometimes, he liked the quiet, and home was…messy. William loved his family, but sometimes that didn’t matter, didn’t make the headache go away, didn’t make the invasive questions any more okay. As far as he understood, one’s family only knew you best – loved you unconditionally – because they had to. He didn’t feel this way all the time, of course. But still…

His phone rang just as he sat down, and he answered it without question.

“’lo?”

“So this midterm,” the voice on the other end jumped in, and it took William a moment before he realized it was Gabe. “I was trying to like, go over some of the names and I have no clue what I’m doing.”

A laugh caught in William’s throat. “Well,” he began, “do you wanna try to go over it now? I have my stuff with me… I’m on the quad.”

“Sounds great. I’ll be over in a little. We’ll get coffee. See you,” Gabe said, hanging up before the other could reply.

By the time William got to the coffee shop, Gabe was already sitting at a two-person table near the back. He sat down quickly, nodding a Gabe. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Gabe sipped his drink, eyes still on William.

“So, I was looking over some things after you left last night and – “

“Hey, relax,” Gabe said, cutting William off. “Just hang out for a second. How’s your day going?”

William’s eyes searched the table for a response. “Uhm,” he stammered, rubbing the back of his neck. Had he really gotten this bad at casual conversation? “Fine. Just finished my last class a little while ago.”

“Nice,” Gabe said, smiling as he took another sip from his cup.

“Say, I’m sorry you couldn’t come out last night. I know a bunch of people who are staying here for break, so I’m gonna have some people over. You down?”

“Yea, I – I’d love to, but I can’t.” Gabe shook his head, his mouth tilting in a crooked smile.

“You’ve got to take a break, man, you know that?”

“Oh, no, it’s not – I’m on duty again. Tonight and Monday. But I’m free Saturday and Sunday night,” William said, not entirely sure if he was making a good decision in promising such an open schedule

“Great,” Gabe said, standing suddenly and tossing his backpack over his shoulder. “Call me later, maybe we can grab something to eat before we start studying. I’d like to get a little bit done before I have to entertain, y’know? See you around, Bill.”
With that, Gabe was out the door, sauntering towards one of the class buildings. William looked down at his book, still closed on the table. Fuck it then, he thought to himself, I may as well get some tea while I’m here.

“So, you’re like. Sure?” It’s Ryan on the other end of the phone this time, having called William from a rest stop. “Like, really though – “

“Ryan, please?” William pleaded, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. He could picture Ryan rolling his eyes as he clicked his tongue, letting the subject drop. “Anyway. How’s the train ride?”

“Ugh, not worth it,” Ryan said. “You were right to stay there. It’s taking fucking forever, and I’m just coming back Sunday anyway, so.”

“That’s tough, friend. Well, I hope you get home soon,” William laughed as Ryan groaned on the other end, verbally questioning his decision to go back to his dad’s house. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, William knew – Ryan’s dad used to be an alcoholic (“Once an addict always an addict, Bill,” Ryan had told him the only time he ever discussed his home life) but he’d sobered up a few years ago and was fighting to strengthen their father-son relationship. Ryan thought it was bullshit, and William could tell no matter what his father did, Ryan’s opinion wouldn’t change.

A knock interrupted his thought process, and Brendon shyly stepped inside; William had forgotten he’d left it open. He waved Brendon in, holding up his index figure indicated that he needed a minute.

“Listen, I gotta go, I’ve got an RA thing to do. Hang in there, man. Call me when you get there,” William ended the conversation, turning to face Brendon as he put the phone down. “Sorry about that. What’s up? I didn’t know you were staying.”
“I didn’t think it was worth the train ticket,” Brendon said, quickly raising his eyebrows and looking down at the carpet. His head snapped back up quickly, as if he’d realized something. “Who were you talking to?”

“Oh, just now? My friend Ryan -- you met him last night?” William explained as Brendon smiled, checking out William’s blank walls. “Did you go out with him?”

“I-excuse me?” Brendon stammered, brow creased.

“I’m sorry, I mean like. He said he went out with some of you guys last night. Hey, it’s okay,” William reassured once he realized Brendon wasn’t looking any more calm. “I’m not gonna get you in any kind of trouble for drinking, just curious. Ryan can be a handful, I just wanted to make sure he was a good host, yknow?”

“Oh, yea,” Brendon replied, eyes back on the floor. “Listen. I was going to – ask you about that. Is – is he here this weekend?”
William shook his head. “Nah, sorry man. He’ll be back Sunday night though. What’s up? Should I tell him you were asking for him?”

“No, that’s fine,” Brendon said, his smile different now. “Don’t worry about it, I just wanted to ask him something. I’ll uh, I’ll see you around.”

Call him. William had been sitting at his desk for two hours and had just finished outlining the first of four essay questions. You still have to go over the terms. Call him. Maybe he can help.
William sighed, grabbing for his phone and then putting it down again. It was almost ten – what if he was busy? What if he just didn’t want to study, or was just relying on William to give him answers? In that case, he wasn’t going to get very far either. He told you to call, his thoughts continued. Just do it.

As soon as he dialed, he regretted it. He counted the rings as he waited – one, two, three, four… Finally, the ringing stopped, Gabe on the other end.

“Hey!” He shouted, background noise dominating. “You change your mind about coming over?”

William felt his shoulders tense, but kept his voice even. “I’m not allowed to leave the building, Gabe. I just – I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – I just needed – “

“Take a break, man,” Gabe continued, which only made William more tense. “You’ve gotta stop taking yourself this seriously. It’s gonna be fine.”

William stood quickly and began to pace the room, not entirely sure what his next move should be. “I just – like. I really have to do well on this – “

“And you will. Just take a night off, watch a movie or something. Call me when you decide to take a break, then I’ll come over. Hey, you’re a smart guy. Just. Be smart about this.”

Before William could retort, the line went dead. He tossed the phone back onto his desk and sighed loudly.

Before he knew it, it was Monday. William woke up late, Ryan curled up on the carpet, his clothes in a pile next to him. Shit, William thought, his throat beginning to feel tight.
The night before, Ryan hadn’t even bothered to go back to his own room, although it had to be closer to the bus stop he had gotten off at. (“I found these under the sink,” he had said, throwing two bottles of Southern Comfort onto William’s bed. “They were closed, and he seemed good – said he was testing himself or something. But, like. Shit.”) They’d both planned to get blindingly drunk, but hadn’t drank more than enough for a strong buzz, and called it a night sometime past two.
But now the sun was up and making its slow climb back down. He had less than 24 hours before the midterm and hadn’t seen Gabe since they met on Wednesday for coffee. Like he’d have been of any help anyway, William thought bitterly. Well, forget that; he’ll get what he’s earned.

Ryan stirred, pulling the pillow over his head and groaned loudly. Automatically, William got up to grab him a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen.

‘“Ouch,” Ryan murmured as a thank you, taking the pills and drink from William.

“Yknow, if your hangovers get so bad, why not stop drinking?” William suggested lightly, and Ryan scoffed in return. He sat up, leaning against William’s dresser, the latter sitting on his bed. “So your friend Gabe is kind of, uh, not helpful.”

“I said he was nice,” Ryan countered, eyes still closed, head back. “I never said he was helpful. So, like. Did you guys hang out?”

“Briefly. After you left, but that was all. He doesn’t seem to be too keen on this class, yknow?”

“Well, shit Bill,” Ryan said with a laugh, “the only reason you’re so keen is because you want your 4.0 or whatever. Like, just stop stressing out; it’s not that hard.”

William narrowed his eyes at Ryan, who couldn’t care less about his GPA. The only reason Ryan went to college was to get out of the house, and his band hasn’t gotten anywhere. He was a digital arts major anyway; he didn’t do half the work or have half the pressure William did.

A knock broke through the silence, causing Ryan to wince. William chuckled softly, finding Brendon on the other side of the door.

“Bren.”

“I left my key in the room.”

“Brendon – “

“I know, I’m sorry,” Brendon pleaded, seeming genuinely guilty.
“This is literally the fourth time in two days. Come on, man,” William said, shaking his head and grabbing the master key.
He went down to open the door but didn’t feel Brendon behind him. When he turned around, he found Ryan standing in his bedroom doorway, raking his fingers through his hair and smiling crookedly. Brendon beamed back.

“Got it open!” William shouted to test the moment, snickering to himself as both heads snapped in his direction.

Brendon ducked back into his room, Ryan calling after him, “See you tonight.”

“Ryan, c’mon – “

“What?” He asked innocently. “We’re going to Gabe’s later. No big deal.”

William was getting seriously sick of those eyebrows.

It was almost one and William was beginning to lose it.
He had his notes sprawled everywhere – the bed and the desk covered in individual sheets of paper – and he felt like the walls were closing in. William paced around the room, running his hands through his hair and telling himself to breath – in for three, hold for three, out for three. He’d called Ryan three times already, knowing he was busy but hoping that’d he’d pick up just once.

He wrung his hands, pull back his desk chair and plopping himself down. He kept telling himself to dive in, but his words ran together – those same trees had grown over some of his notes, and he cursed aloud. It’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine, he told himself, his breath shaky and his chest tight.
William jumped as the phone rang, rubbing his eyes before picking up. He swallowed, trying to calm himself.

“Hello.”

“Bill!” Ryan called on the other end, not out of excited – not the way Gabe had some nights ago – just to be heard over the music. “You called me. Like, a million times; what’s wrong?”
“Ryan, I can’t focus,” William replied, forcing a small laugh. “It’s so quiet and, I – “

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you okay?” Ryan interrupted. When William doesn’t reply immediately, Ryan continued. “Look, just like… give me twenty minutes. I’ll be over. I just have to find Brendon – I can’t just leave him here. Twenty minutes, Bill. Just like. Open a window or something.”

William hung up and guilt swarmed him. He knew he could have just told Ryan he was fine – fibbed and claimed he’d pocket-dialed him a few times, or even say that he was just being silly earlier, but no. He’d felt there was no use trying to convince Ryan he was fine, but now William began to feel bad. He had to force Brendon to leave; what if they were having a good time together?

His thoughts continued to until there was a soft knock on his door. William tried his best to hide his surprise as Gabe greeted him.

“Hey, Bill.”

He was obviously drunk. William had seen people drunker, of course, but he blinked slower than standard, his mouth turned in a permanent smile. When William didn’t reply, Gabe continued. “Ryan’s taking care of Brendon. They’re a little drunk, but they’re fine. I brought my books.” With that, Gabe slide past William and into the room, dropping his back pack down in the center of the floor and whistling as he looked around.

William closed the door softly behind him, still not speaking. Arms crossed tightly across his chest, he remained by the door. “You didn’t have to come.”

“Man, you’re no joke, are you?” Gabe said, laughing as he turned to face William. His face fell when he realized William didn’t appear to be in on the joke. “Hey, man, it’s cool. Sit down, alright?”

William nodded mutely, turning his chair to face away from the desk, Gabe leaning on the wall opposite him. He bent to pull a plastic bottle from his bag and took a swig; William shook his head when the bottle was offered to him.

“So,” Gabe began, taking in the scene. “You’ve been at this a while, yea?”

“Yea. All night.”

“Well, then don’t worry. You don’t want to over study, yknow?”

“But I don’t – “

“Bill please,” Gabe said, putting up his index finger as if to shush William. He took a few steps forward. “You’re gonna be fine. You really need to stop obsessing over things.”

“Don’t tell me what I need to do,” William spoke with such conviction he almost didn’t believe it was his own voice. “Just, don’t. You don’t get it, man. I appreciate it – don’t get me wrong – …I’m sorry, I’m just so anxious. Nothing is sticking, yknow?”
Gabe searched the carpet for an answer, looked back at William and knelt down in front of him when he seemed to figure out what to do. “Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Just close your eyes.”

“Gabe, if you’re gonna – I’m not – “

“Will you just shut up and close your fucking eyes?” Gabe said, laughing as he did to cover his frustration. Their eyes met for a moment, William extremely uncomfortable. “Just trust me.”
William breathed – in for three, held for three, out for three – and closed his eyes.

Gabe’s lips met his almost instantly, and he felt his shoulders relax slightly. William didn’t part his lips, didn’t even have to fight Gabe’s tongue away from his, just kissed him back, softly as if testing the temperature of a pool. When they parted, Gabe kept his face close to William’s, and it wasn’t until then that William noticed the smell of alcohol.

“Listen. Ryan told me a little bit about you on the walk over here – when he said he was coming over here, I told him I wanted to come. I don’t give a fuck about this midterm – I don’t care how high it’s weighted, I don’t care how much it effects my final grade, I don’t care how bad I do. I know it’ll work out, and you have to know that to. But – I just thought it was a good excuse to start talking to you. Like, I was talking to one of my housemates about it and he said now was as good a time as ever. I just think you seem really cool – despite being a fucking spazz – “ at this, both boys laughed softly – “and… I don’t know. I didn’t think you wanted much to do with me after the other night, but Ryan started talking about how serious you are about stuff, and how you get when it’s quiet, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I was like, ‘if he doesn’t want to see me, fuck it. Because I think we’d be good.’” Gabe paused for a moment to judge William’s reaction. He looked back blankly, eyes scanning the former’s face for lies. “As like, whatever. I know you’re stressed; that’s fine. You know this is my fifth year here?”

“No way,” William’s face broke into a smile, not that he was laughing at Gabe, just because his was comforted.

“Yea, I transferred here after my freshmen year, and I fucked up a lot my junior year – couldn’t balance. It’s not that bad, yknow, that you’ll be here longer than Ryan or whatever.”

William cringed openly, causing Gabe to shush him. He didn’t know Ryan knew. After freezing up so badly last year, he had failed all but one of his classes spring semester, and was set to be taking at least an additional year. “That’s not common knowledge, Gabe.”

“I know, I’m sorry that I know. It’s not like I’m gonna tell anyone, alright? You just, you can’t stress yourself out so much. Just like, let some things happen,” Gabe said, and gave him a sly smile. “I don’t care what you are or what you’re not, just do what feels right.”

William bit his lip for a moment, taking in all that Gabe had said. He seemed so confident in his statement – Because I’d think we’d be good – and it was…refreshing. Gabe shrugged, but as he began to stand, William grabbed his sleeve, pulling him back towards him. His brow creased, William stopped him from his next sentenced by pulling him into another kiss.