Regret

I was young and more than anyone else, you know how hard it was to keep a secret in this village. I'd rather not tell what it was but I want to get it off of my chest. I need to get it off of my chest.

It’s one of those things in which you are ashamed to share, afraid to share. Yet, there comes a day when you realize you can’t keep it to yourself anymore.

Even if we’re like this, you have to know. You need to know.

It’s not just that, but you are also the only person I want to share my secret with. I know you won’t tell anyone. You just can’t.

There are times that I catch myself thinking about that time when we were under the big tree behind your house. I imagine you laying there with my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat while your hands are around me. And then I wish I could go back there just to be with you again. We were so happy even though you knew nothing.

I kept it a secret because I didn’t want to hold you back. You had a dream and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin it. You had been accepted to a good university in Athens and you had tried really hard to pass the exams. Once you left, I left as well.

I started from zero at another place. It was hard, but there was nothing else I could do. I needed to leave that village because my family was ashamed of me. You were young and you wouldn’t have been able to help me, and more than anything else I didn’t want to drag you down with me.

I know I was wrong. I had to tell you sooner, when you were beside me but I was so afraid of what you were going to say. I just needed a little more time, that’s what I tell myself now.

You only saw what I chose to show but there was a lot that you didn't know. I regret it a lot because I knew how wrong I was. I was really stupid and now I suffer from what I used to cover. What should I tell our unborn child when it’s born? How can I tell her you died without even knowing I was carrying your daughter? I just can’t. It’s too much… But I know I have to.

It’s not my fault you died, but maybe if I had told you, things would have been different. Maybe you’d still be alive and you’d know that in a few months you could hold your child in your arms. I’m so sorry Gregory. I’m really sorry. My only wish is for you to forgive me and rest in peace. Only that.

____________________

I got up from the side of his grave while holding the umbrella in my left hand and letting the tears fall freely. I left three white roses on top of his grave and a red one in front of it.

I smiled as I saw his photograph by the side of his grave. Oh God, how much I missed that smile, I thought to myself and then I caressed my belly. I braced myself and left his grave with a smile on my face.

I had to be strong for our baby, and I would be.