Never on My Lips

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course, you don’t.”

It was such a reflex to start spitting out excuses, but I had to admit that I had none for this situation. I was caught so off guard that no white lie seemed to justify my demeanor.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Brendon.” I gritted my teeth. For the moment, this was the best I could do, and I knew this wouldn’t suffice, not for Brendon who could analyze anyone so thoroughly, he could see through them like glass.

Brendon’s smirk held so many statements, and I was afraid of which one would pounce at me first. He sighed, glancing at the ceiling.

“Janie Castleton, right?” He nodded to himself. “I remember hearing about her in the locker rooms during P.E. The jocks would always wonder about her. Since she was so quiet, we all wondered about what she was like when no one was watching.”

“When no one was watching?”

“You know, when she’s alone, when her mask is off.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Every man knows that a woman has a sort of hidden sensuality about her whether she likes to announce it or not. Women have needs that need to be satisfied, and at some point in our lives, most men wonder if we can satisfy those needs.”

I didn’t feel comfortable with what he was getting at. I knew what he was talking about, but it was just difficult to hear it when it’s about Janie.

“Naturally, we wondered if her needs were being satisfied and what she was like behind closed doors.”

“Stop it.” The blood rushed to my face. He didn’t need to tell me this, and he knew that talking about her in that way would get a rise out of me. I had to resist no matter what.

“Her skin beneath those layers of clothes, if she shudders at the thought of being touched, the way her lips might part if someone kissed her neck—“

“Shut up—“

“If her milky skin was as supple as those rosy cheeks of hers—“

“Enough!” Without thinking, I raised my mug in the air with both hands and slammed it down. Expecting to hear a loud smash followed by the angry banters of the baristas, I was more than stunned when Brendon slid his hand under need my target and took the blow full force. He didn’t even flinch when the porcelain came smashing down onto his palm. And now my own hands were covered in tepid tea.

“Easy now,” he released my grip off the mug and grabbed some napkins, already dabbing the liquid off my skin. “I didn’t mean any of that.”

I couldn’t stop shaking. The adrenaline wouldn’t cease, and it made me think the worst so abruptly. It was to the point where I didn’t even bother stopping Brendon from wiping down my hands for me. It was too much to hear those things.

“I know you care about her.”

“This is none of your business—“

“No, it isn’t.” He stopped dabbing and began to stroke the slight dampness on my fingers. “I just find your actions intriguing.”

“You didn’t have to say any of that though.”

“Why are you hiding it?”

And therein lies the million dollar question. I’d asked myself this so many times I couldn’t even count. What was I even doing? This is my life, and I knew that Janie and I could only end in one of two ways: either we broke up or we stayed together. Staying together would involve the world finding out about us eventually. Something like that can’t be kept as a secret our entire lives.

I didn’t know what I was doing. If given the chance, I didn’t even know if I’d tell anyone. Am I embarrassed by her? Am I embarrassed by myself?

“I don’t know.” I finally answered.

Brendon sat back in his chair. “If I were you, I’d start figuring it out. You can’t hide something like that forever. If you love someone—“

I opened my mouth to interject, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Don't you love her?” He cocked his head to the side.

This was another question I couldn’t answer. Whether I liked it or not, I was somewhat of a people pleaser, and when Janie told me she loved me a year ago, I couldn’t bear to see her if I said I didn’t love her back. In a sense, I suppose I did love her, but still I wasn’t entirely sure.

“So then why are you two together?” He scoffed. “After all, the point of dating someone is to cherish them and to cultivate your feelings which eventually leads to love, doesn’t it?”

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“No, in fact, I think I know you better than you know yourself.”

“I don’t have to answer to you.” I pushed my chair back. “This is none of your business.”

“And here I thought you were lying to me those years back.”

Damn him. He continuously pokes at my side as if he wanted to see me at my worst, and I don’t think I even know what I’m like at my best let alone my worst.

“Goes to show what you think you know about me.” I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door swiftly.

By now it was dark, and the trek to my car wasn’t as warm as it was when I’d arrived. The nights were colder, and I took my dear sweet time letting the faint frost help my nerves settle. I fumbled with the keys to my car.

Before I could even touch the seat, Brendon pulled me from my car, slammed the door shut, and pushed me back. His toned arms were barricades on either side of my face, and I was caught staring dead into those cryptic eyes, lit up by the moonlight.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, trying to take deep breaths.

Brendon lowered his face down by my ear. I could feel the warmth of his lips on my skin.

“Sometimes the most innocent are the most dangerous.”

There was a pause in his voice, replaced by the slow hum of his breathing.

“And I know underneath all that skin, there’s a sinner in there.”

His lips grazed my ear, making me shudder, pushing my cheek into his.

“Let’s see how much longer she’s going to hide.”