Gensokyo 20XXI: The Outside World, Winter of Sorrow and Year of Uncertainty

I felt utter guilt and upset but, nevertheless, I knew it would be better not to force Chen, as she may carry out her threat to run away again. On the other hand, I couldn't help but to feel a bit embarrassed and shocked as a mother and mistress, as Chen had challenged my authority, something she usually doesn't do. Then again, I guess I should have seen it coming, in light circumstances and how unjust she felt Yukari being chained up down there, thus she would challenge my authority. In a way, I had hand in this, as I should have questioned Eirin about what to do with Yukari, even though there was really nothing. The bond between Chen and I was frayed and her choice was made. It didn't matter anyhow, as I have more important things to worry about and those included on taking care of my newly born pups and a now age-regressed Reimu. Of course, it was no doubt that she was saddened by this, as she's lost her playmate, her kitty, and her caregiver, her mommy, due to unfortunate circumstances. Evading capture has really put our lives in turmoil.

To further worsen matters and speaking of Reimu, she's stopped eating and has become very despondent. I tried to cheer her up but to no avail. She would just lay there, not eating, sleeping, or doing anything, just laying there. If she did do anything, it was to occasionally shift her position and scratch herself when she had an itch. I would hold her in my arms but that did nothing. I would place her next to the babies but even that didn't cheer her up. Ultimately, I asked Eirin what could possibly be the matter, to which Eirin said, "She's depressed, Ran, and she might be like that for a bit." I pointed out that Reimu had been like that for more than a few days and, that if she didn't come up with something soon, I was booting her ass out of here. Her eyes widened and she said, "I'll try my best."

In a maternal rage and with tears streaming down my face, I punched her sqaure in the nose and said, "Don't try, DO your best! Goddamit, Eirin, stop trying and start doing! You try this and you try that, for heaven's sake, when will you start doing and stop trying?! Start doing and stop trying! Right now, there is a little child, her name is Reimu Hakurei, and I am counting on you to at least get her start back eating or whatever is so her life will be saved, so, at least, she can live! Flandre's dead, Chen is blind, and Yukari has gone insane, so DO your best to save Reimu. If Reimu dies, your ass is grass and I will....mow...it! Do you understand everything in which I am telling you?!" Shaking, Eirin nodded and said, "Yes, Ran-sama, I shall start treatment at once." After that, I had gone back to my babies, they were probably hungry by this point.

***
Such a suprise
Ran isn't usually like that, oh no!
Eirin's provoked her
***
Being that have decided to live here, I couldn't help but to hear Ran berating Eirin and listen to every last word. Frankly, if Eirin's ass was my grass, I would mow it, too, for whatever justifiable reason, especially since that one incident (exactly what happened at the time went like this her, Tewi, a prank, and some kind of narcotics. Suffice to say, I got the wrong prescription). Though, I cannot help but wonder if Ran was being a bit too harsh, after all, everything that has transpired hasn't been easy on any of us and Eirin is mostly a pharamacist and can really only "do" so much. Of course, in light of the circumstances and the fact that Reimu is, as she put it, depressed, I see the reason for her upset as Eirin has always said she'll try and, of course, what she "tried" to do, often failed, so, basically, she didn't do anything. Although, Ran could be holding something against her over the "Crying Yukari Incident". Of course, who would let her forget that? Eirin could be thoughtless at times, so she does need to be reminded.

Either way, I cannot help but to be concerned for the child myself, as human children often grow attached to things easily and being without Chen and Yukari has really done something to her and, being that we are youkai, we cannot even dare be caught dead with a human child, not in times like these. Of course, Reimu look quite less human, if one takes into account her white hair. On the other hand, people will just naturally assumed we dyed her hair. Nevertheless, I do hope Reimu perks up soon or, at least, cry, do something that is reassuring. If Eirin can't get her to do that or does a crummy job, then, as she said, Eirin's ass is grass and Ran will mow it. For both of their sakes, I sure hope Eirin does a fine good job, even though she really doesn't have that much work with children, and I do sure hope she doesn't spoil my wash water, as the linens need washing.

***
Doing as Ran told me to, I go to assist Reimu and try to make her well again, although, I really don't know how. Gently I lifted her up, noticing how deathly pale she became, and brought her out of the room, Ran watching my every move, making threatening gestures. I carried her around, trying to coax a favorable reaction. However, she still didn't do anything, except look at me with those dull empty eyes of hers and heave a sigh. As I carried around, I had noticed bubbles floating around. They were coming from Yuuka's wash tub and she was washing the laundry in what we consider the laundry room, especially, since Yuuka hung a few clothes lines made of kite string in there. Apparently, she heard my footsteps because she said, "Come in if you wish but do not spoil my washwater, I want our linens to be clean, also, don't spoil those, too, we need clean linens." Naturally, I walk in, holding a ragdollish Reimu, prompting her to hold out her arms and ask, "Are you trying to stir Reimu?" Just as I was going to answer and as I was handing her to Yuuka, Reimu had slid from my arms and into the wash tub. Within an instant, Reimu thrashed about and scream, after which, she cried hysterically. Almost like a raging train, Ran came charging in, demanding to know what had happened. Between Yuuka screaming, "Oh dear!" and Reimu crying, I explained it was an accident, one that worked and I did what she's told me to do. Sopping wet, the screaming white-haired child trudged over to her with Yuuka saying, "Let's get her out those wet clothes and get her dry, shall we? She may catch ill."After getting the sopping wet child out of her clothes and wrapping her in a blanket, Ran took her back to her room and Yuuka promptly told me I should boil more wash water and handed me a nightgown, telling me that Yukari would like a new nightgown and that hers was probably spoiled.

***
In the dark,
She scrawls "Set me free" and she's written....
Them in blood

***
I wonder what it is like, up there, in the light. My lunacy has very much overtaken me and, now, I have become like Flandre, when she was locked down in that basement, the only difference being is that I have someone to join me. I only wish to be free, or to, at least, to hold my little human child in my arms. I do wonder how she is doing and I cannot help but to feel distressed. I feel such distress because I am not with her and another reason is because it seems I haven't much time left and I have grown so weak that I cannot even open a small gap. On the cellar walls, I scrawl my wishes in my own blood, that I have spat up. Right now, I want nothing but to send Chen back upstairs, so she won't suffer, too, not through this. If I am to die, than I would like nothing more than to die free and, if that can't be, then let me die alone. After spending awhile with Chen down here, I patted her head and said, "Chen, dear, you really don't want to be down here, go upstairs, where you'll be free." In response, Chen clutched my hand and said, "No, you'll be all alone again." With tears streaming down my face, I tried to tell her I'll be alright, to which she would respond, "No, you won't be, you are lying." I stopped arguing with her on the matter.

After a bit and, one night, I asked Chen, "Will you let me out of here, at least for tonight?" She took my hand and said, "Yes, Yukari-shama, I will!" After about an hour or so, she came back with the key and unlocked the shackles. Feeling around through the maze of hallways, we made our way outside and ran about, frollicking in my first taste of freedom. Before the night had ended, I had to be returned to the cellar. I kissed Chen on the head and thanked her for letting me out that one time, even if it were for a little while.

***
Eventually, Kanako and Sanae came to live with us, as did Satori and Koishi, Nitori even, uprooting their lives so they wouldn't run the risk be captured. Of course, that meant Yuuka had more laundry to wash and we had to divide up resources and share them equally. However, that sometimes became the source of some frustrations, as some of us couldn't get along and there was a lot of stress. To much upset and because of the circumstances, I had grown a bit selfish, negligent, and resentful, targeting my resentment and negligence to Reimu, the little child I had loved quite dearly, yelling and, sometimes, swatting at her when she came near me. What a horrible cold-hearted bitch of a kitsune I had become! I found myself to later be repentant towards my treatment of Reimu, after she had sustained an injury that rendered her legs permanently paralyzed, leaving her unable to walk. Upon learning she was injured, I wept bitterly. I allowed this to happen and I had treated her so badly. To much surprise, Reimu still reached to me for comfort, even though it was my fault.

As soon as she threw her arms around mine, I found redemption for my actions and realized that she had forgave me. She wanted to be cradled and loved by me again. Even though she was reverted to a toddler, mentally and otherwise, she was still Reimu. I gathered her into my arms and kissed her on the head, saying, "I'm sorry, Reimu-sweetheart, I'm so sorry." She forgave me but I can never forgive myself.

***
She feels regret
Yes, she does and is deeply repentant
for her actions

***
Times most certainly have gotten harder and they've turned a very loving kitsune into a cold-hearted bitch. After Reimu had lost her ability to walk, Ran had turned back to the way she was but was left a repentant wreck. Of course, Reimu forgave her of her actions but she still regrets the horrible bitch she became. In much a similar way, because of hard times, I had taken to beating Sanae over small offenses or for whatever reason just to vent my frustrations, becoming a callous person. Unlike Ran, I was worse in my treatment and Sanae is still riddled with bruises. I even beat her the morning we had came here and that was right outside. I doubt she will forgive me of that. I wish I didn't beat her, as it was never her fault that what has happened happened. At least, Ran didn't beat Reimu, after all, the very worst I've seen her do was leave her where she could get injured and did, whereas, I had beaten Sanae until she black and blue. I didn't always beat Sanae, rather I considered her something that kept Suwako and I from fighting for a long time, something that held our little family together. Suwako is dead now and only we remain. Suwako would wreck the place if she were alive to see me beating litttle Sanae. I sure hope Sanae can forgive me and, if she doesn't, I will not have blamed her.

***
Someone has confessed
She stole the key and has been hiding it
She's had to

***
I let Yukari out. She had to be set free. I unlocked her shackles and told her to go upstairs, she's free. At first, by the sound of her breathing, she was afraid but then she eased, pressing my hand to her dress, so I wouldn't be far from her. Navigating the hallways, we made ourselves deeper and deeper in the mansion, until we came to a room. I took off Yukari's blindfold and said, "You can stay here." The light pattering of her footsteps told me that she was looking about for mirrors. She settled and said, "This is a nice place." I knew I would get in trouble but I didn't care. As I left the room, Yukari said, in her half-crazed shaky voice, "Bye-bye, Chen-kitty, dear Chen....." I closed the door and hurried back down to the cellar. I wanted that dreadful bitch Eirin to catch me with the key because it was only a matter of time before she would. I waited patiently for Eirin to bring a tray of food downstairs like she usually does. When she saw me, I heard the dishes clatter to the floor and she asked me where Yukari had gone. "I set her free, you monster, you dreadful bitch! I know where she is but I won't show you!" I said, tossing the key in front of her. Next thing I knew, making a huge fuss, I was dragged upstairs and was interrogated but I was still defiant.

I heard everyone's voices. With everyone there, I confessed to what I had done. "But why?" I heard Ran ask. I narrowed my eyes and said, "I wanted to set her free and you let Reimu fall." Ran said nothing else. I turned to Kanako's voice and said, "You beat Sanae." causing her to gasp and Sanae to cry. Turning toward Koishi's voice, I said, "We all know you peed on the floor." I promptly heard the sound of peeing. I turned towards her sister and said, "You're smoking opium again." I turned towards Nitori and asked her for a handheld game that the blind could play. As I was doing that, there came a very loud *THUMP!!* Yuuka gasped and said, "What on earth was that?!" We hurried outside, to the courtyard, and found Yukari laying there. She wasn't dead but she was indeed injured. Eirin set her bones back and placed her back in the room she fell from. I remember punching Eirin in the eye (or was it the ear?), saying, "Your ass is fucking grass if you put her back down in that cellar!"

I then pointed to Ran and said, "For what happened to Reimu, I will never forgive you." She broke into to tears, Yuuka saying, "Now, now, there, there, ducksie, you mustn't cry now, we've all did something we are not proud of." I wiggled my nose and asked, "Really?" Yuuka turned to me and answered, "Yes, we all have. Everyone of us and, needless to say, we are not proud of what we did. I've even observed humans doing things they are not proud of when times have gotten very hard, like beating their children to outright being cold, resentful, and negligent of them." One by one, everyone confessed to something that hard times drove them to.

"I've beaten Sanae, until she was black and blue." came from Kanako.

"I drank liqour and burned down someone's house with it." came from Suika.

"I let Reimu fall and, being she's too incoherant to say it, Yukari's left her in a decrepit house alone for most of the winter." came from Ran.

"We sometimes sold drugs to pool enough money to keep our house. It didn't matter anyway." came from Satori.

There were many more after that and, after hearing them all, I broke into tears. From withing Yukari's room, I heard her say, "Ran, my sweet little kitsune, I forgive you and I'm sorry, too."

***
Ours is without
reason as to why, ours it but to
Do or Die

***
At Ran and Eirin's request, I took to not only washing laundry and gardening within the walls but to aiding in Yukari's recovery from her lunacy. Ever since she's taken that dreadful jump from the window, her mind has started to clear up a bit. When I was giving her care, I would take to having tea with her and reciting The Charge of the Light Bigrade by Alfred Lord Tennyson or, at least, the parts I could remember and how I remembered them. Often, I recited the lines I could remember and, on one occasion, Yukari said the words with me, as she's heard them. In her half-crazed voice, she said, "Ours is without the reason why, ours is but to do or die." Naturally, I couldn't help but to wonder if she's mixed up the words a bit. Of course, she had gone insane and was just recovering. However, she took to saying that line more than once, stating it was her favorite during her bouts of clarity.

After awhile, she shortened her favorite thing to "Do or die." and saying it more than once. It seemed the old gal was trying to deliver a message, something direly important. When Eirin or Ran dismissed it as the maniacal ramblings of ancient youkai, her eyes would get misty-eyed and say, in such a mournful tone, "Do or die...." Naturally, I listened to her and wondered what in bleeding hell was she trying to say. It seemed she needed to go outside of her room and good timing as well, being that her room was starting to smell like crack from going in the bucket. I have already let her know how I felt about that subject already and that was that she will go to the toilet in the proper manner. Of course, this was to be expected as to why she would go in her bucket and that was that she hardly ever left the place. I would later find out that how she often tends to dispose of that waste and that involved dumping it out of window, right on to Eirin's head. Frankly, I found that humorous.

On her first trip outside of her room, she was placed in a wheelchair that Nitori had made for her. At first, she was afraid but, then, she lost the fear. It was a milestone to see her curious about reflections again, rather than trying to see her attack the mirror but it was an utmost joy to see her curious about and reconnect with her little human child she hadn't got to hold in awhile. Eirin and Ran felt it was utmost necessary for her to bond with Reimu again, after all, Reimu has been missing that connection. Even though, she could barely remember her name, she still loved Reimu and had the connection she had formed with her since birth. Bit by bit, the bonding process was successful and Yukari started to slowly remember Reimu's name, calling her, "Rei". Slowly her fragmented memories came together and she started to sound like what she once had before, be it if it was a bit shaky. In recovering, she started to sing lullabies, if not recite the lines of the poem I often said.

Whilst recovering and reconnecting, she took up knitting, knitting herself a shawl at some point. It was lovely to see that she's found a hobby. Overtime, she did regain most of her sanity, though, from time to time, she still uttered the phrase, "Do or die." Nevertheless, I couldn't seem to figure out what in blazes was she talking about.

***

Little lost Kitten
What on earth has you upset? You
are still loved
***
I often try to avoid Ran. I doubt she would like anything to do with me anyway, after all, I broke her heart and she has babies to take care of. Often, I spent my time in Yukari's company, listening to her hum little tunes and hear the faint sound of her knitting needles. Recently, Yuuka gave her a lot more yarn and several rolls of fabric, so I would listen to the faint sounds of sewing needles. After spending a bit in her company, she started to notice something was off, so, one day, she bounced a ball of yarn on my head and said, "Something has been troubling you, please tell me, no use in hiding it." Seeing no way out of it, I told her about how I was feeling and that I thought Ran wanted nothing to do with me. She gasped and said, "How could you even think that about Ran? She loves you just as much as she always had and will always love you. Yes, you've broken her heart but she'll forgive you for it and her heart has room for you and her babies, too. If anything now, she misses you and is probably thinking the same thing. Fret not, little lost kitten, you are still and always will be loved. I know you are afraid to but go, go to her and tell her you love her." She hugged and kissed me before sending me off.

Naturally, I was hesitant to be in Ran's presence, what if she rejected me?! As I was asking the same question to myself with tears streaming down my face, I heard her voice, "Chen, are you alright?" She was wiping my tears away and smoothing out my hair. I couldn't tell her but it didn't matter anyway as she held me in her arms again, saying, "Evertyhing'll be alright, don't cry my sweet."

***
Today brings rain
The fallen rain looks like dripping pearls
Daydreaming is nice

***
It's raining again outside. Usually, I really hate rain, as it tends to make things really quiet but, this time, is looks like dripping pearls, allowing me to escape by daydreaming. Right now, I would much rather not think about unpleasantness and with good reason. Of course, being that I am in the same room as Sanae, I couldn't escape from that no matter how much I daydreamed but that didn't stop me from escaping her gaze by looking at the pearls outside. I spent most of the afternoon daydreaming until I had fallen asleep. When I awoke, I noticed how it looked like Sanae was wearing lip coloring. "Sanae, are you wearing safflower?" I asked her to which she responded, "What do you mean, Kanako-san? I haven't worn lipstick since the first time I've tried makeup." I told her that her lips were red, consistent with lipstick. She hurried out of the room and returned with a mirror. It turns out she wasn't wearing safflower, instead, it was blood and she had silently coughed it up. "Am I dying?" she asked me before she fainted. I hurried about, searching frantically for Eirin, determined to get her back to Sanae. When I had, I managed to bring her back to Sanae but Eirin's verdict was grim and she said only time will tell if she will survive. I felt terrible. I had a hand in this. I'm the one that did this. My beating of Sanae did this. Such agony of this epiphany.

***
No more milk?
No? Alright, how about some sweets, then?
No? How unfortunate.
***
Once again, food was starting to run scarce, prompting Yuuka to leave for the day to get some more. However, unfortunately, funds have also started to run scarce to buy the food. Frankly, I could skip a few meals, the little ones and Ran need food more. as I sit here, knitting and sewing, I start to worry about us. Being I am without my sanity and memories completely reclaimed, I am left powerless to do anything, even stop Reimu from sobbing. My poor little human child, she is hungry and wishes she had milk to go with her cookies. Chen brought up the idea of candy but, as we can see, we are minus sweets. However, food isn't just one of my worries.

Something has gone wrong with Sanae and it is unknown if she would survive the rest of the day, if not the week. Something didn't just go wrong with Sanae, something also went wrong Kanako. Her anguished cries are a sign of the guilt she feels and, it seems, she lost a few screws. From the way things are looking, Sanae won't survive and Kanako will not remain with us after she does. If she chooses to leave, we'll be damned if she chooses to rat us out.

Later that day, Yuuka returned with some food and said, "We'll have to ration our food supply to reserve resources and that will limit us to one meal and two meals for the children and Ran." Like I had mentioned before, I was perfectly fine with doing without, after all, I had to do it before and I would most certainly be fine with doing it again. When someone spoke up as to why Ran would get two meals, Yuuka silenced them by saying, "Ran has babies, remember? And, said babies cannot subsidize on solid food alone."

When Chen had noticed I hadn't eaten anything, she had brought me some kind of rodent. Being a cat, she would occasionally bring Ran or I little dead things but she hadn't done that in awhile. Naturally, I asked her what it was, to which she responded, "A mouse, Miss Yukari. We could eat mice." I scrutinized it and said, "I think it is a bit big for a mouse."

"Hmm, then it is probably a rat, nevertheless, we could eat rats."

"I suppose, of course, I had never eaten rats before but I can quite agree it is better than cold raw rice with grass."

"Like the stuff Reimu ate? Sounds yucky!"

"Well, if Reimu could catch rats, then she would be eating them. Of course, that would mean she would be, well, as the humans say, reduced to ratburgers."

"Ratburgers sound delicious."

"Naturally, they do, Chen, for you and Ran, given that both of you would consume rodents."

"Have you eaten ratburgers?"

"No, but I have eaten rice, dirt, more dirt, and acorns, so frankly I think the thought of eating rats is appealing."

"Have you eaten mice?"

"No, not really, although, I probably ate one in an owl pellet but that was ages ago, when I was but a child."

"Owl pellets don't sound really tasty."

"It wasn't and, if it wasn't the dead of winter and while food was scarce, I don't think I would have ate it."

"We could eat owls."

"Chen, neither you nor I have an clue on how to catch owls and they are far too quick, so let us stick to rats and mice."

"Okay, how would you want yours?"

"Roasted and a tad burnt."

If we were to ration our food supply and skip meals, then I would like the thought of eating rats or mice, birds, what have it over starving. Being reduced to ratburgers is better than being captured, imprisoned, beaten, seperated, and starved or worse. Hopefully, on the other hand, Sanae will survive and everyone will catch on to Chen's idea.

***
She didn't awake
She had fallen asleep, last night, but
She'll never awake
***
I heard a great scream earlier this morning and found Kanako gone and little Sanae's face was covered with a white cloth. To much horror, it we found out that she had died and Kanako left without leaving a note. She didn't take anything with her, leading us to believe she's effectively, in a way, comitted suicide by allowing herself to be captured but it turned out the real reason for her disappearence was that she faded away from this existance, leaving behind her mirror pendant. On a brighter note, everyone did catch onto Chen's idea as a way of conserving food sources. Either way this day was to be bittersweet. We held Sanae's funeral outside, opting bury her, instead of cremate her. After her funeral and as it rained, we gone back inside. I went back to my babies and Chen helped Yukari back to her room. The mansion was silent and we all skipped our meal times.

Sanae's death and Kanako's vanishment was a sign that bad things were to come.

***
Little child, come
Sleep now, pleasant dreams, under the stars
Sleep now, sweetheart

***
Reimu awoke that night and wouldn't stop crying. The poor thing was sobbing and screaming almost as if in pain and screaming so loudly that it was quite impossible not at all to wonder if anyone in the surrounding area could hear her. After about a couple of hours and with everyone trying to make her stop, I opted to try myself. "There, there, sweetheart, stop crying, now, we'll make your troubles vanish." I told her as I gathered her into my arms. After a bit and while humming a tune, she stopped crying reached for Ran, fighting sleep. The next morning, she had started back up again. She cried for a couple of hours before stopping. Throughout the day, she cried hysterically and sporadically. None of us could figure out what caused her to cry so much. She spend three days sobbing terribly before stopping and returning to almost normal. Naturally, Eirin explained it away as stress and fear of death, causing Ran to punch her square in the mouth, saying, "That is an UNACCEPTABLE explaination!" As far as I and Yukari were concerned, it was, as Eirin explained away Yukari's instabilities as being "stress and worry" and said she'll "try" to help Reimu. Still, I felt Ran was being a bit too harsh.

We never really had figured what that poor dear was sobbing about.
***
Summer has arrived
Although, this summer feels strangely cold, why?
A joyless summer

***
Ran's babies had grown quite so and spring had ended, leaving the door open for summer. Strangely, this sunmer didn't feel hot or even warm, rather, it felt cold, very cold, colder than the iciest winter that had ever happened. A summer shouldn't feel cold but, yet, it does. If a summer feels this cold, it must be a sign of bad times. No summer has ever felt this cold but, yet, there is one. Last winter wasn't nearly as cold as this. This summer feels cold, deathly cold. I started to put pieces together and realized something terrible was coming. This was it, this was our impending capture. Someone would eventually figure something is a tad off about this place. Even though this place is rife with tales of ghosts and superstitions, someone is or will be bound to come here to prove any rumors they may have heard about this place. If a human were to come in here, we would really be given no choice but to kill them and even that would would cause someone to notice something was very off and may cause them to come and find the causes of "spriting aways". When we fled here, we didn't know we were going to be revealed as youkai and, now that we are, we don't know what to do or where to go. Evading capture is all we really can do but how far and how fast can we really run?

Naturally, the worry made me burst into tears, causing Yuuka to ask, "What is it you are crying about? You usually like the summer." I told her I didn't like this summer in particular in that it felt cold and told her something horrible was coming. Her red eyes widened and she said, "Oh dear." She took my hand and asked, "What are we going to do and where are going to go?" I told her we have to do something and go somewhere, even though it was apparent that we were running out of options. I packed all of my knittings and sewings and the tools into a bundle. We had to do something.

***
Off we go
Travelling yet again, hopefully, back to running
Running yet again
***
After Yuuka managed to persuapersuade Komachi to ferry us to the furthest place she could get us to, we had packed up all we can carry. All night and under the light of the moon, she ferrieferried the island of Honshu and then Hokkaido, saying, "This is as far as I go. You're going to have to travel on foot, bye-bye." She gave us a couple of radios and hurried off in her boat. We had travelled all through the day, until we came accross an abandoned village so shrouded in forest that it hardly saw only small slivers of sunlight. Surprisingly, Reimu and my little babies were still quiet and asleep and that is the longest either of them slept or were that quiet. We each scurried to our own little decrepit houses. For myself, this was a better nesting spot to safely raise my babies. Bering there was almost no light and being that she was blind, Chen used the extremely dense forest to to hunt various things, catching a few rats and, apparently, a squirrel, to which she didn't bring back in one piece. Reimu didn't seem to mind and spent her time sniffing flowers, sometimes crawling after Chen when she hunted, trying to catch mice or butterflies. Yuuka mananged to make a little garden of primrose. Eirin gathered herbs and Yukari was back to knitting and sewing, even listening to little tunes on radio.

Of course, there was a far deeper reason as to why she would have the radio on whenever. She was listening out for news and, so far, she hasn't heard anything noteworthy. If she had, she would be quick to turn it up a bit louder and summon us to her little house for us to all listen. So far, we were home.

On the other hand and despite the fact that my babies had a yet to subsidize on solid food, I fell in love yet again with another male kitsune. Oh, Yukari will be so upset! I couldn't dare afford another pregnancy before my babies have yet to be more independent but I couldn't seem to help myself. We courted each other under the slivers of moonlight and I even showed him my babies. After a bit, he left but vowed he would return once the time was right and when my babies were old enough. My duties were to my babies. Funny thing, Yukari said she liked him and that he may return next year.
***
So far, this
is home, be it with decrepit houses
Better than nothing

I suppose

***
My primroses do look pretty and my linens are clean, though, I would like a nice house with a big garden like I had in Gensokyo. Of course, that was long ago, before imprisonment. To think that it me that long to rebuild and then, because of cicumstances, I am forced to leave behind. Oh, my sunflowers! I wonder if they are alright, after all, with all that rain they should be growing well. For now, to the least, I am content in the fact I have some freedom and have yet to be captured. Living in a decrepit house is better than being without a home or, in this case captured. Still, I cannot help but to wonder if Komachi got back alright, after all she did take the risk of getting us here, or wondering if the us were captured. Its hard not to wonder those things. On the other hand, I will have liked nice things but I'll quite contently and with dignity settle for this, though, Chen and Reimu need a wash, they are quite filthy. I know Reimu wouldn't refuse, since she's found a way to remove her diaper (fret not, we did put her another one), but Chen, being the fiesty kitty that she is, will likely refuse and try to scratch. I'm sure Ran and Yukari wouldn't mind if I gave them a bath, after all, they quite need one.
***
So many stars
The more lost souls there are, the
more the stars
***
Usually, I would stay confined to this little house, knitting and sewing, waiting for some kind of grim news, but, this time, I wanted to go up to the top of the trees and look at the stars. There are many lost souls and they've all become stars. Each and every one of them. I gap my way up to high branch with a sky's view and start to count and name them off. Two of the brighter ones are Flandre and Remilia, having been reunited. Another pair of bright stars are Shinki and Alice. A smaller bright star is Cirno and the bigger one next to it is Marisa. An even smaller and very hard to see star is Sanae and a small but bright star right next to it was Suwako. I didn't see Kanako's star, though, but, then again, she didn't really die, per say. I count them all and I find there are far too many to count, too many lost souls. A few tears rolled down my face and I whispered, "We'll live, for your sake, for all of you." I bid them good night and gapped back to my little house. I went back to my knitting, knitting a blanket of sky and stars.
***
I hated that
She knew I didn't like baths but
I got one

Anyway
***
I'm feeling pretty mad at Yuuka today. Reimu isn't but I am. Last night, I insisted I do not need a bath but she gave me one anyway. When I argued against it and shouted at her, Yuuka's response was, "Don't you dare shout at me! If you do that again, I shall give you quite a spanking and, besides, if only you could see, you would notice it has likely been along while since you were clean." She took me by the wrist and, with Reimu in one arm, we went back to her house. I could just feel the heat of the bathwater radiating and the dreaded smell of her remaining bit of perfumed soap. After removing our clothes, *SPLASH!*, into the water we went. Reimu was giggling but I wasn't. She scrubbed us from head to toe, dried us, and slapped us into what would be our pyjamas and underclothes. "It's late children, time for bed." she said.

I still cannot rid myself of that dreaded smell of spicy wildflowers. Again, Reimu didn't seem to mind, being that she was always saying, "Reimu smell pretty!"

***
My hair, oh,
it is falling out, oh, it is,
it really is!

***
After awhile of living here, my white hair started to fall out. Odd, I wasn't sick or anything and, besides, how could I be? I am the only sort of medic they have but my hair is falling out. I could not figure out why it or what it is causing my hair to fall out. By a week, I had barely, if any, hair left. I kept a scarf wrapped around my head, trying to hide my hair loss. In trying to hid my hair loss, I had become envious of those with hair, especially Reimu, with little princess curls of white. Someone would find out something was wrong, so I tried hiding myself period but it didn't help because Yuuka apparently needed some sort of cure. When she saw me without my scarf, I was mortified, desperately trying cover myself and begging her not to look at me, "Don't look at me, I'm ugly, so hideously ugly!" Yuuka shook her head and explained that she needed some skin oitment for mange and poison ivy. She also told me my hair was falling because of a condition called "alopecia". In all my life, I have never heard of such a condition, not ever. She also told me that my hair was falling out because I was worrying too much. I denied that but she insisted. I gave the cures to her and called her an old bitch. She laughed and said, "Yes, I may be a bitch but you're the one with her hair falling out and you well older than me." She went back about her business and I couldn't help but to wonder if she was right about what she said. If I did worry too much, then how could I not? Whose to say that we won't be captured? We might be captured very soon or whenever. Of course, we are too far from civilization for anyone to suspect anything but still.
***
I shall fancy
mouse soup and I am sure it will taste good
with wild rice
***
As the summer goes by, Chen takes advantage of a large mouse population and Yuuka notices wild rice growing near a stream. Food sounds good at this point. Like Yuuka said, I shall fancy mouse soup and I am sure my little ones will like it, too. With wild rice, it will be better. Wild rice may not be like regular rice but it is just as good and I don't mind eating rodents, so long as they are not alive. Soon it will be getting cold and food may run scarce, so yes, food would be good at this time. So far, I have been gathering up herbs, mushrooms, acorns, and radishes. My little ones have been trying out solid food with the few teeth they have but so far more progress will have to made, as it seems I have coddled them too much, making them more akin to human infants. Yukari has been knitting blankets for the winter. Strangely, I found Reimu with a fish. Apparently, the wild rice stream had fish, giving way to another food source. Soon it will get cold again and, this time, Yukari may hibernate.
***
Oh hello there!
It has been awhile since we have
last seen you

Rumia, little youkai of darkness.
***
Such a surprise today! We had seen someone we hadn't seen in a long time. Rumia and she's crashed headfirst into the ground. She explained that she had been looking for us because half of everyone else had been taken by "bad people". She explained she was happy to see us and that she'll stay here, with us. Once she was done explaining what had happened, her arms dropped from their usual position (outstretched, like a crucifix) and she cried bitterly, exclaiming that she missed her friends, the rest of Team ⑨, and wondered if Yuuka was still alive. Yuuka stated that she was and said, "I am quite happy to see you." It was bittersweet seeing Rumia again, being she is the very last of Team ⑨, as Mystia, Wriggle, Cirno, and Daiyousei have all died and are amongst the stars. Once Rumia settled down, she cloaked herself darkness and fell asleep soundly. She needed a rest after flying around for some time. Frankly, I cannot help but to wonder how she managed fly around undetected.
***
The clove is
here, neither is it summer nor
is it fall

We're in the clove of the seasons
***
Summer had passed but Fall had not yet arrived, leaving us in the clove of the seasons. Strangely, I feel so melancholic. I guess it was all of the turmoil and shock taking a far larger toll on me. As I knit this one blanket, the one with stars on it, I feel my hands start to tremble, leading for me to fold it and put it back in its box. I am finished for today and I opt to lie back and think about Gensokyo. As I daydream of Gensokyo, I hear a child's voice that says, "Is that all, Yukari?" I answer back and say, "Yes, that is all, dear." I didn't I know who I was responding to but I had responded to someone. Maybe that voice belonged to Chen and that was probably after I had told her a story at some point. I fell asleep, dreaming of Gensokyo, dreaming of memories, long past. As I do so, maybe my melancholy will dissipate and maybe I will be finished knitting that blanket.
***

Tea has run
out. There is no more in
my little jar
***
Usually, I would like tea in the afternoon but, unfortunately, there is none left to make in my little jar. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, as there is no sugar, either. The children will have liked tea and cake, cake, too. Sadly, there is none, well, it would have gone stale anyway. Knowing there is neither tea nor cake, I know that resources will run scarce again. Oh, what we've been reduced to! At least, we are still alive and what we've got to do is pull up our stockings, put our shoulders to the wheels and work together for our own and each other's survival. Must maintain comeplete optimism even in the time of fear or, at least, do so for the children, after all, they need us. After washing the linens and hanging them to dry, I gather Rumia, Chen, and little Reimu for bed as I have been asked to. Frankly, I adore the children and will try my absolute hardest to be patient. Once I have them settled, I opt to tell them fairy tales, the ones I remember from a storybook. As I tell them the stories, bittersweet tears roll down my face. Such old memories of times past. After telling them stories, I bid them pleasant dreams. Hopefully, they will. They will like pleasant dreams.
***
Is that all
Yukari? Yes, dear, that is all
No more stories

I have no more stories to tell
***
As I fall asleep, memories start to play back like a film's reel, the kind Nitori once showed us. I have so many fond memories of Gensokyo, of Yukari, of Chen, of Reimu, of everyone. That films reel will keep on going, playing back until my lifespan ends and that will be many years from now. By next spring, my suitor will return for me and my babies will be old enough to walk. It will be nice. Sleep takes hold and I see the film reel more and more.

"Such a good kistune you are, how I've missed you."

"Will you tell me a story?"

"Hmm, let's see, what stories do I have to tell my dearest little kitusne? Ah, I shall tell you about my day in town!"

"Yes, yes, please, Miss Yukari!"

"Patience, now, child, it all started like this...."
***
"Now, now, Chen, behave and Yukari will tell you a story."

"I wonder how many she'll tell me, this time."

"She'll probably tell you many stories, Chen."
***
"Is that all, Yukari?"
"Yes, dear, that is all. "

"No more stories?"
"I have no more stories to tell."
***
"Now, Chen, remember, you were a baby, too."

"Yeah, but, you've been paying more attention to Reimu!"
"Oh, sweetheart, I still care for you, too. I love you both."
"I love you, too, Ran-mommie. Will Reimu be with us forever?"
"I don't know, dear, she will have to go back to her real family someday."
"No! I don't want Reimu to go back to her real family, I want her to stay here, with us!"
"Neither do I but, someday, you'll realize why she has to."

***
"Reimu's coming to stay with us for a bit."

"Really?"

"Yes, Chen, really."
"We'll have so much fun things to do!"

"Yes, yes, of course, now, remember, you have to play gently and try to be a bit soft when you play."
"Okay!"

***
"Will you take me into town with you, Miss Yukari?"

"We'll see, Ran dear."

"Please, I would like to go into town, too!"

"Oh, alright, if you are on your best behavior, I will bring you into town and maybe you could get something you like."
***
"Ran, will you sing me lullaby, please?"

"Oh, okay, I'll sing you a lullaby, Reimu."

"Thank you, Ran."
***
"I'll love you all forever."
***
"I'll love you forever, Yukari."
***
"I'll love you forever, Chen."

***
The leave are
falling. Autumn has finally arrived, oh but
we're exposed