Gensokyo 20XXI: The Outside World, Winter of Sorrow and Year of Uncertainty

I sure hope this is forest of evergreens because, if it isn't, then our cover may be blown. From what I can see, not all of the trees here are evergreens but this particular spot where we are seems to be. Of course, I nearly bald now, as I only have a few hairs. Yuuka, that old bitch, seemed to be right about the alopecia thing. Nevertheless, I was indeed losing hair and, now, it seemed I was starting to develop spots. They were bluish-purple spots, it seemed. Apparently, my stress was draining the iron content in my blood, making me anemic. I may as well just die now but lunarian lifespan does not permit it, unless it be through unnatural means, alas, I haven't any rope for a noose nor a cliff to jump from. Better to die, than keep running and risking capture, after all, they are searching everywhere for youkai. To make matters worse, the seasons are changing and resources will indeed run scarce.

It isn't only the seasons and my worries that have been eating at me, its the fact that Reimu seems to be no longer human, rather, it seems she has become a youkai or, at least a hanyo. To some extent, this is good, as Reimu wouldn't have to be separated from Yukari but, on the other hand, who knows what they might do to youkai children or hanyo. My suspicions are reasonable, as Reimu is not as fragile as most human toddlers. She was once, when she lost her ability to walk, but not, it seemed, she cannot get even a simple concussion, let alone a bruise. However, when she became paralyzed that fall should have killed her, her being so small, so I could be wrong in my earlier assumption. The good news is that, if we become captured, Reimu wouldn't be separated from Yukari but that bad news is that we don't know what they will do to any youkai or hanyo children they find. If I suggested that we leave Reimu with humans, Yukari would have a fit and would likely opt to kill herself but that wouldn't be without taking Reimu with her. Ran did tell me that Yukari will have committed suicide with Reimu, who was then only a year and half old, just to keep her from being taken away from her. Besides, if I dared to mention leaving Reimu with humans, Yuuka and Ran will be quick to protest no matter how rational it sounds, stating it would be best to keep the children together, and Chen would be quick to mow my ass grass (she stated "my ass is fucking grass"). It wouldn't have mattered what we did, damned if we did and damned if we don't. Still, I couldn't help but to resent that little child with princess curls of white.
***
Winter comes harshly
Our trees our evergreens, safe for now
I do hope

But resources are starting to run out
***
To much surprise on the first snowy day of winter, Yukari pulled out some of my hair and ate it and, judging by a few bald patches in her head, I would say she has been eating hair. Her reason for doing so would be fairly justified, being that there isn't much food during the times of cold and she was trying to conserve food for the rest of us but you'd think she'd pick something a tad more decent to eat. Of course, the enokitake mushrooms that grow in this area were all picked and so far she doesn't seem to be too fond of mullberries. However, she is probably getting to the point of hibernation and it has driven a tad off the edge as to speak so her behavior may be tied to that, after all, Ran has often spoke of Yukari behaving strangely around time of hibernation so eating hair is maybe one of those things. Though, whether that be the case or not, I felt it would be well within my right to slap her and, as to be expected, I was slapped in return.

As for the children, they seemed to enjoy the snow, not at all being too bothered with it, aside from the fact it felt freezing to them. Eirin was quite bothered and she's become quite bitter, finding amusement in the fact I was minus some of my hair. Naturally, I was not insulted and told her, "At least, I have hair, you stupid bitch." We spent the rest of the hour calling each other bitch, until she slapped me and I returned with a clout, leaving her cheek swollen and bruised. We left each other alone for the remainder of the day.

When the winter came, it seems Suika has disappeared. Odd, I do wonder where on earth has that drunkard run off to. Hmm, she likely went off to find us a new home, although there is no telling of when she may return, if she does. On the third day of winter, Eirin disappeared. I went searching for her but only found some trails of blood and a bloodied scalpel. I followed the trail and found her, lying limply. She wasn't dead but most certainly wished she was, affirmatively answering, "Is it wrong to want to feel death, even though if one cannot experience it?" If she hadn't have cut one of her arteries, she will have lived but, instead, she wanted to die that badly. As she bled out, I informed her that she really was dying. She went out with quite a smile, satisified that she could die after all. Her ever so willingness to die overrode her immortality, effectively granting her wish. For a person like her, death is indeed a sweet release.

Still, Yukari didn't go to sleep for the winter, rather, she stayed awake, something on the radio had caught her attention.
***
Say it isn't
so! We cannnot flee, where would we
go?

It's snowing and there isn't much places to go

We may die if we flee!
***
I wept bitterly at hearing the news from the radio. They were closing in on us and it was us specifically because they mentioned a white haired girl had gone missing, claiming she was stolen by youkai, and they were searching for her and the youkai that "stole" her. I'll let this be known: I have not stolen anything. We could flee but winter has just begun and we may die if we flee, also, where will we run to? There is really nowhere for us to go. Slowly, I put the pieces further together and everything else was building up to this point. First, Sanae's death, then Kanako's vanishing, then Reimu's cries, then Suika's departure, and then Eirin's suicide. My lip trembled and I felt the world collapsing. My fragile sanity was already once again starting to fall apart. There is no other white-haired child fitting that description, meaning someone had to have made note of our disappearence.

My weeping called to attention of the other youkai and I voiced my concern. Everyone was horrified and once again we were not safe. When Satori suggested we flee, I explained to her that we may die if we do so because winter had just begun and that there is really nowhere for us to go. Yuuka did bring up the fact that whereever we flee to, should we decide to at all, may not accomodate all of us, leaving us trapped. If were to flee, we would have to seperate and we would be given a choice. I counted all of the children there were and found there were six, so that meant there were six full-grown youkai and five child youkai and one human child. When I made not of that, Yuuka pointed out that I made an error and stated that Reimu may no longer be human, rather she may be a youkai or, to the least, a hanyo, thus that made six youkai children. I promptly asked what made them assume that, Yuuka pointed out that she is exhibiting traits of either one but she is no longer human either way and she also pointed out that the fall that rendered her crippled should have killed her, a normal toddler and quite a small one (Reimu was smaller than most toddlers), something Eirin neglected to mention before she died. I burst into tears, only, I didn't know what it was I was crying about.

The next day, after a sleepness night, I didn't bother to arise from bed. I was so upset and was overcome with despair. I didn't know if I wanted to sleep or just simply die. I remained like that for most of the day, until Chen came in and lightly rested her headon my forehead and touched my face, saying, "Don't cry, Yukari, we love you and everything'll be alright, there is hope and we still have each other." At that moment, I was pulled out of my despair. As I closed my eyes, I asked Chen to sing me song, to which she complied.

There really is hope....
***
Large sugar piles
The snow looks so much like sugar
It really does

Don't you suppose, little ones?

***
I watched in silence as Chen comforted Yukari. Chen has always been a loyal shikigami, determined to keep us happy, be it if she is often disobedient and often caused trouble. She loved us both, so I don't blame her for wanting to be with Yukari, not at all. In all of this hell and uncertainty, we need to comfort each other and woe betide us if we don't. In light of Eirin's surprise death, I feel quite terrible for treating her rather harshly and saying such horrible things to her. What makes me feel worse is the fact that she wanted to die so badly that she lost her immortality. Then again, I feel a bit angry at Eirin for making me feel this way. Its just grief and anger. I feel sad for being so terrible to her but, then again, I feel angry at her for dying.

In my anger and regret, I noticed how the snow looked like large piles of sugar. Strange. I wondered why it was I was thinking about sugar piles. Apparently, it was a coping mechanism to think about something pleasant in an otherwise unpleasant and uncertain world. I turned to my pups and asked what did they think. They looked at me and one promptly hiccupped. I couldn't help but to chuckle since they are barely familiar with the world and have hardly any clue what sugar was. In chuckling, I started to laugh at the very thought of snow looking like sugar. I guess this was Eirin's, whereever she is, way of cheering me up.

Eirin, wherever you are, I thank you for that.
***
Winter is ending
And, moving day is here but, will we split
Or stay together.

***
As winter ends, thank heavens, moving day comes. In the event of moving day, Suika finally comes back, only drunker than ever. She told us news and explained that she had a secret. Frankly, I couldn't help but to wonder what it was and then I remembered that Suika said something about lighting a house on fire. To all of us, on moving day, she explained that she had lit a house because she was afraid of being revealed as not only a youkai but a theif. Yukari was anything but surprised, rather she was displeased. She pointed to Suika and asked, "Did you light any more houses ablaze?" Suika looked up briefly and said, "No." Yukari gave her such a clout and asked again, to which Suika said, "Would I lie?" That made Yukari clout her again and say, "Those horrible people had better not have tracked you here, drunkard." Crumbs! I wonder if the youkai hunters have caught tracked her here. Hmm, then again, that would be impossible as Suika can change her density and make herself a floating cloud of mist or smoke but still, I am pretty sure someone would suppose that is unusual. Either way, we'll be damned if they dared to track her here. Yukari's amber eyes did look up at the trees, to the barely visible sky, focusing on shadows. After doing that for a bit, she said, "Let's hurry but stay down and under the cover.

We traveled all day and as far as we really could. The babies were screaming, Ran, the poor dear, trying to keep them quiet. Of course, travelling had awakened them and they were duly upset. Reimu was no better, actually, she seemed to scream so loudly that it seemed her screams would cause an avalanche. Fortunately, she did eventually stop screaming and had fallen asleep, as did the rest. Needless to say, the trip wasn't easy on any of us. Yukari's maxed out her limit and started to vomit, causing her to slow down a bit. I had never seen a youkai so overexcerted as she was but, then again, in times like these, she may as well be. Once we reached a place where we felt safe, we stopped, Yukari wiping the vomit from her mouth. Frankly, I couldn't help but to find it pecularily odd that she vomited when she hasn't even very much of anything and, after thinking quite so about it, I had come to the prompt realization that Yukari was vomiting no more that stomach acid and bile.

We needed a long rest but, being this as we may, we had to think of what we were to do and that involved whether or not we were to split or stay joined.
***
Wish I may
Wish I might, I wish that we stay together
Day and night

***
Once we were settled in, Yukari mustered up enough of what strength she had to say what she wanted to. She announced that we may have to split to much of Chen's inherant upset. I didn't want to split with the rest of the group either on the grounds that we had to split before and, ever since Eirin's death, I think it is best that we stay together. Of course, due to the circumstances and the fact that the stakes have gotten higher, splitting may be our only option but there is a sure good chance that we may never see each other again, actually, there is a pretty good chance that some of us may not even survive to the end of this coming spring. As for my new lover, I doubt I will ever see him again, leaving our romance abruptly ended. Although, he may have died anyhow during the winter. We were a long ways off from where we were before and there was no turning back. Eventually, we'd run out of places to run to.

In light of the fact that we had walked a great distance, I couldn't help but to worry about Yukari, after all it seemed she had pushed herself to her max and probably wasn't at all used to traveling this far and not at this altitude nor on this particular kind of path, especially on foot (she mostly gaps to hard to navigate places like these) and travelling on foot is even harder for her because of her bum leg. If they were to capture us, Yukari would once again sacrifice herself to keep us from getting caught. I can't bare that thought and the memory that surrounds it.

***

"Right now, I need you all to be brave and, Ran, take care of Reimu and Chen. When I gap you, I need you all to run and don't ever look or come back....."
***
Leave me please!
You must escape, you must live, as
I will hinder

This is my final sacrifice.

***
That night, as we debated, Suika started to say, she heard a strange noise, something like a "chop-chop-chop", like horses in the sky. I laughed at first but I stopped. There really was chop-chop-chop sound in the sky and it didn't sound like a horse (which go clipity-clop), actually, it sounded like what Suika taught us about. It stopped but then it started again, Suika saying something about light. The next thing I heard was Yukari's voice saying, "RUN!" I don't remember much else but I do remember Ran begging Yukari to come with us. Everything seemed like a really bad dream and Yukari was begging us to leave her behind saying, "This if my final sacrifice, Ran! I cannot keep running and neither can I go with you, just leave me here and go and escape." I couldn't believe what I've heard! We are family and family do not leave each other behind, even if it is to ensure each other's safety.

As I stood there listening, Yuuka picked me up and said, "Sweetheart, we have to go now!" Cradling me in her arms, she ran as fast and as far as she could go, Ran and Yukari's voices fading in the background. It had just occured to me that Reimu wasn't with us. What happened to her, Ran, my little sisters, and Yukari, Suika, and the others? Will we see them again?

***
Is that so?
Yes, it is so, I, Rumia will
tell a story

But, Rumia is all alone

Is that so?

Yes, that is so

***

The bad people came and now I am all alone. Where did everyone go? They're not hiding and this isn't hide and seek. Maybe the bad people got them. I have to find Yuuka but where is she? I have to find Yuuka, I know I have to. It's too dark to see anything really and its too cold. Hmmph! I'm scared and its cold and its too dark and I'm all alone. I looked everywhere and I can't find Yuuka or Chen or Reimu or Ran or Suika or Yukari or anybody. I don't like it here and I wish I was home. I looked all over the place but I could never find Yuuka.

I never stopped searching, even as I ventured to the white-blue void. I never found her.

I'm all alone.
***
No...no ...more
Chen, no more, oh, no more
No more,...Chen
***
After walking a bit more, we made it to a thicket. By this point, I had grown so tired, so...so....tired of running. I had uprooted my entire life to evade capture and now I find it is rather pointless. Those blessed youkai hunters! I've tried to put a nice face but this is a time I can't. I can't even be strong for Chen and, frankly, I doubt I can remain with her anymore. I've lost all hope and I cannot go on any longer. For all I know, Ran, Yukari, Reimu, the babies, Suika, and all the others may as well be captured by those blessed youkai hunters. To much dread, my dress is spoiled and ragged and I have very little protection from the cold.

As the sun was starting to peek up and just as it was starting go down, I got up, dusted my dress off, tried to pull up my stockings, and said, "Alright, Chen, I need you to stay put." She jumped in surprise and asked, "Where are you going?" I sighed and said, "Oh, I'll come back." She sniffed and said, "Stay here, with me, I don't want to be alone!"

"Now, now, dear, you mustn't make a fuss, you must be brave and I need you to stay here."

"Please!"

"No more,...Chen, no, no, no more...I need you to stay here and here is where you'll stay."

"Why won't you stay with me, you stupid bitch?!"

"Don't you dare shout at me and don't you call me a "stupid bitch". My decision is final and I will come back, you just stay put. Just because times are hard, doesn't mean you should forget your manners."

I slapped her on the cheek before planting a kiss on her head before heading off. I felt awful about lying to her and she knew I was lying. I was leaving her there and I won't come back, rather, I don't think I'll be going much of anywhere. I've lost all hope. I'm sorry, Chen, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. As I walked further and further and further away, some part of me wanted to return for her but I knew it was best if I did not. I do quite hope she forgives me, although I would much rather not forgive myself. Frankly, I do hope she'll be alright and Rumia, Rumia, too.

***
Walls of white
Such bright lights here, I don't like
this place with

Walls of white
***
I awoke in a room with walls of white, something almost like a room in asylum. My medium length white hair was frazzled and I had a splitting headache. What happened not that long ago seemed like a fuzzy dream at first but, then, it suddenly became real. Apparently, we had been captured and seperated, being held in some kind of facility. Soon, tears of blood started rolling down my cheeks and onto the marble white floor. I wasn't too far away from bending the borders between life and death as a attempt to end my life because I didn't just want to live anymore. I was done, that was it, done. If they are going to kill me, they may as well do so now, I won't put up any fight.

As I sat there, silently weeping, I heard a small child's voice say, "Yukari, you must live...for us..." Soon, I started to hear other familiar voices and felt many pairs of arms wrap around me in a warm embrace. All of those that had died were pushing me to live, to hold onto a promise I made.

There really is hope and I will get us out of here

***
Eirin is that
you? I cannot see but are
you a ghost?
***
I knew she wasn't coming back and she never will. She left me all alone but I can't help but to wonder where she had gone. I want to go and find her but I doubt I would and it wouldn't really do any good, as I'm blind. I sat there for over an hour, crying. I was still crying before I heard a familiar voice, saying, "There, there, Chen, I'll keep you safe." I stopped crying and found myself being comforted by Eirin's ghost. She had died over a few days ago, earning a little place in the stars, as Yukari had told me. I sniffed and told her I wish I was Yukari and the others. I felt her hand take mine and we left that thicket.

As we wandered around, we found Rumia and that bundle of Yukari's knitting and sewings but we never found Yuuka. I doubt we would ever find her. I guess she was captured or, rather, she had left me alone so she could go off some place and die. I recalled that we had travelled quite a great distance, traveling so much that I could feel the very lights of Tokyo. After awhile of walking and stowing away on boats, I felt we were close to home but some part of me felt very sad. It was just I, Rumia, and Eirin's ghost. There was no Yukari, Ran, Reimu, Koishi, Satori, Yuuka, Suika, or anyone else we ever knew, it was just us and we were alone. I held Eirin's cold hand tighter and asked her to bring us home, back to our house, back to where you once were before all of this. I just wanted to go home.

She walked us back to the house we were forced to leave behind. We crawled through the cat hole, Eirin going through the door. We went to my room and wrapped ourselves in a blanket.

We came home.
***
My little babies!
Where are they and what have you
done with them?

Please, they're my babies and they need their mother!

Please give them back to me
***
After being forced into a very bright room, I was seperated from my babies. Of all the things that had happened to me and not knowing what had happened to Chen and Yuuka, I found this to be the worst. My babies still need their mother and I have no clue what they are to do them. I could only imagine what seperation from their mother is doing them and, to make it worse, I heard them whimpering for me. I was seperated not only from them but from Reimu. She was the first they managed to snag, made worse by the fact she couldn't even run away. I could only imagine what horror she could be feeling and what they may do to her, being that she is no longer a human child. If hadn't have been so negligent and resentful of her, she wouldn't have lost the use of her legs and thus she would have been able to run away. It's my fault she was captured because I allowed her to become injured.

Being seperated from my babies started to drive me insane, causing me to bang on that metal door with all my might to the point my hands were bloody. I kicked the door the same might but ended with same result. It seemed they couldn't hear me or, rather, they were ignoring me. Eventually, I screamed at the very top of my lungs and that proved futile. After several hours, I just opted for scrawling messages on the wall in my blood. In sitting in my bloody room, I couldn't help but to wonder if Chen and Rumia are alright. In thinking about them, I had a feeling they were, at least for now. A tear rolled down my cheek and soon a couple of memories came passing by

***
"Really, is that really the end, Ran-shama?"

"Yes, dear, that is really the end of Hachisuke and the White Fox."

"It sounded really sad."

"Yes, I suppose it is rather sad but life cannot be all happy endings, dear."

"I see. Did your life have a happy ending, Ran-shama."

"Huh, I never really quite thought about it, I suppose it does, whatever your definition of a "happy ending "is."
***

"You were really all alone, Yukari-shama?"

"Yes, dear, and I was smaller than you are now."

"Will we be together forever, Yukari-shama?"

"...."

"Yukari-shama?"

"Oh, dear, I cannot really say forever but I will stay with you for as long as I really live and for as long as I live, we'll always be together."

"I love you, Yukari-shama."

"I love you, too, Ran."

"We're a family, aren't we, Yukari-shama?"

"Yes, yes, dear, I suppose we are."
***
It's Suika's turn
To tell one side of a story because I have something
to say, too

***
I don't really like this place and I don't like being sober. The other oni would laugh at me for something like this but, then again, what the hell happened?! First there was "chop-chop-chop-chop" sound and then I am in here with a bright lights and no booze. Actually, it is more than that, I am alone and being alone is worse than being sober, a helluva lot worse. If I am going to be sober, I may as well have company, at least that is what Yuugi will have said. Of course, Yuugi isn't here and won't be, not now, not ever, although, she is in a far better place, some place that isn't hell, this place is hell and where she is isn't. I wish Reimu were here with me, then I wouldn't be alone. Reimu is my best friend and is more than willing to keep me company, even if she is age-regressed. Toddlers are funny, aren't they? She likes me a whole lot and likes to climb on me but she isn't here to do that. They had better not hurt Reimu. They can beat the hell out of me but they will sure as holy hell not lay a finger on Reimu. If there is so much as one hair missing from Reimu's head, heads are going to roll and I am bringing all my peoples!

Nevertheless, I hate being alone and sober but I hate being alone the most. I sure hope everyone else is faring better than I am.
***
The clock still
goes on ticking, ticking away in the
melancholic lonely darkness

Of an empty house
***
We had spent about a few days in the house, listening to the clock tick away. There is nothing in the fridge for us to eat that isn't spoiled and rotten. Aside from Rumia, Eirin's ghost, and I, the house is empty and sad. It seems like only yesterday that we had left and, now, our house is empty as side from Rumia, Eirin's ghost, and I. Even though it would be likely that Rumia and Id would probably die here, we would die together and not alone. For some reason, though, I find that the emptiness of the house, the darkness, and the ticking clock to be conforting. At least, I still had my prized can of sardines. Maybe Rumia would like something to to eat, after all, neither of us had eaten in more than a few days. She hasn't said anything about being hungry. If she is, then she might not say anything.

After listening to the clock tick away for more than a few hours, Rumia poked me and asked, "Hey, Chen, what's it like to be blind?" I was a little surprised to be asked that, then again, Rumia is the youkai of darkness and being blind is very much living in a world of darkness. I told her pretty much what it was like to be blind and that it was like living in a world of darkness, a world of eternal darkness. By the sound of Rumia's sighs, she seemed to marvel at the thought of being blind. That was not at all startling to think of, being that whenever she cloaks herself in darkness, she cannot see and flies into trees and things. This is actually the very first time someone even asked what it is like to live in a world of darkness, what it is like to be blind. For a moment, I wish I could see once again.

For once, there was a twinkle of light, within the darkness.....
***
What is this?
This isn't any sort of food
I've heard of

At least, though, we'll have lunch together for once.
***
After spending a little while of time detained in those little rooms, they let us out into a much larger room with tables. I was informed that now was mealtime and it wasn't a nice one at that. However, I found confort I was to be reunited with Ran and Yukari for a spell. After getting my tray of slop, I was took my seat amongst Ran, Yukari, and Suika. It has been more than a few days since I have last left Chen alone and went of to die, only to walk right into being captured. I wonder what became of Chen, really I do. Hopefully, she and Rumia, Rumia, too, are alright. Like myself, neither of them were really happy but they did show a bit of happiness to see me.

"So what's your story?" Suika asked, looking at her tray of slop. I explained that I had left Chen alone so I could go out and die, only to be captured and that I can understand if they can't forgive me. Ran told me she does, as it is better for Chen to not to be captured. I asked her if she was still with her babies, to which she said, "No, they've taken them away from me and they've also taken Reimu, too." Suika chimed in, "Uh-huh and I have no booze." Yukari, unsurprisingly, remained silent

"Where do you think they've taken the children?"

"I don't know and I can only imagine what horror they could putting them in."

"If they do harm to Reimu, heads are gonna roll and this food is crap."

"That is what I'm also worried about because they've already imprisoned us and whose to say they won't do far worse to any youkai or hanyo children."

"I am quite sure they are alright, hopefully."

"Hopefully?! Yuuka, are you our of your mind? Those bastards have already captured us, put us seperate white rooms, and are now feeding us crap, so now you want to say "hopefully" in light of all that has happpened?! Yuuka, drop the charade, we all know you are just as broken as we are and, frankly, right about now, I think death would be nice because this place is hell. At least, Yuugi isn't where we are."

"Yes, yes, dear, at least she isn't here but she wouldn't like to see you this upset, don't you think, eh, now, ducks?"

"I suppose you are right, we have to at least confide in each other."

"I'll tell you what I'll confide in you guys and that is this food is sucks and I'm not going to be eating crap."

"At least, we are getting fed at all, be it if is once a day, at noon."

"Screw you!"

"Suika."

"Well, then, just because you are angry and upset, doesn't mean you must lose your manners."

Suika promptly took her tray of slop and flung it to the floor, plunging the room into silence. For a moment, as she was breathing heavy breaths, a satisfied look had crossed her face. She seemed to be satisfied that she thrown that tray of slop onto the floor. The room was silent for a moment, until I broke the silence, asking, "What in good heavens has possesed you to throw that tray onto the floor?" She surprised us, she really had. Usually, Suika is like a child and usually is such a rowdy but quite a gentle soul but something in her snapped, today. It seemed she was trying to tell us send us a message about something, whatever it be. For a split moment, she started to laugh, cackling almost like a madwoman, before turning to snatch at my tray. I had promptly slapped her and insisted she behave in the proper manner at the table. She sat down after but that was not without taking Yukari's tray and hurling it across the room.

From across the room, I heard Koishi say, in a monotonous voice, "Great, now we're not going to get food tommarrow." I didn't know how right she was. When they let us out into the food area, we were just to sit, no lunch. Suika still seemed to be satisfied. Apparently, she knew something we didn't and wasn't letting us in on it. Whatever she knew it was best she didn't let any one of us in on it, as what she knew could get any of us killed. Though, I couldn't help but to find Koishi's monotone "I hate you, Suika." humourous.

***
No lunch, today
No lunch tomarrow either, hmm,
what is tommarow?

I don't know

***
The next day at noon, we were still sent out into the serving area and still we didn't have any food. By this point, I really didn't care, though, I will have like to eat my tray of crap because I haven't eaten in awhile, then again, on the other hand, I probably will not have wanted to eat it, on the grounds, that I had vomited some time ago earlier. Apparently, within these maddening walls of white, I was losing my sense of time. I didn't even know what day it was nor what time it was precisely, besides it had to be noon, as lunch always occurs at twelve and an alarm would go off to tell us it was time to go back to our rooms, so, aside from that, I never really knew what time it was, as there were no clocks to be seen. Also, aside from mealtime, I never seemed to realize what time of day it had to be because we had no windows. It would do no good asking because it is likely no one else knew. I could gap myself out but, in this case, I'd rather not, on the grounds that they would notice. After a bit of thinking, I came to the conclusion it had to be a reason for this. Suika would never disclose her suspiscions about what was going on but, noting her behaviour before, two days ago, she was subtly trying to tell us.

After thinking a great deal about it, I screamed when I had come to the revelation. They were trying to drive us insane as a way of controlling us and it was being broken down into easier ways to do so. First, they separate us and place us white rooms, then they take away some sort of comforts, like clocks, windows, and calendars, as well as quality food and only feeding us once per day, and then denying us food, like they are now, as punishment for Suika's defiance. Suika really had caught onto something and was being defiant, rather than submit, which made me afraid and I had reason to be. This place is a like a draconian asylum, the sort that people were terrified to go to, and what they tend to do in those places when a patient dares to be defiant, especially as defiant as Suika, is lobotimize them. When I started to voice my concerns and suspicions to Yuuka, she shoved my head under the table and, while placing hers underneath, too, she whispered, "Shut-up, you're going to get us all killed, what you speak of must not be discussed openly!" She let me go and slapped me rather hard on the cheek, saying, rapidly, "Never again, never again, never again!"

I knew what was going on but I had to keep it a secret for their sake. The secrets Suika and I knew were not to be shared, lest they really will kill us all. Though, I can only hope that Reimu and the babies are safe but, then again, they could be faring much worse.

The next day, we were gathered again to be fed and, this time, I threw my own tray of food and, for good measure, I had sent it flying towards the Koishi, who reacted in her usual monotone, "Oh no." The next day we got no lunch and wouldn't get any for the next few days either. Like Suika, I felt satisfied.
***
It's raining, outside
I can hear the raindrops go plip-plop
A nice sound

Also a sad sound

They are crying today
***
I remembered what Yukari said about rain and she said that when it rains it means people that have passed on are crying and their tears are raining down. With warm air blowing through the cracks of the windows and hearing the sound of soft rains, I knew it to be the begining of spring. I doubt either of us will live to the end of it. I felt hungry and yearning to go outside, just once, but the fear of being captured and possibly killed kept me inside. I was also afraid of being alone and had no one else to cling to. My clothe's barely clung to my thinning frame and it was harder to keep my eyes open, which didn't matter because my eyes were bandaged and I am blind so there really isn't anything to for me see, except for the flowers to bloom.

After a few days, I decided to go outside, just once, to feel those teardops from the sky on my face. In the end, I could never tell those tears from my own.

We were crying today.