I Know in My Heart It's Not You

It had become some sort of unspoken agreement that if everyone wanted to hang out, get drunk, or do all kinds of interesting things, they would all go to Bring Me the Horizon’s bus while Paramore’s bus remained empty. That was what made Hayley and Oli have their very own agreement that if they wanted it to be just the two of them, they would leave and head to her bus.

Only one other person would go in there, that one person being Taylor. Except, he didn’t stay long and the only thing he cared about was if his precious soda was still in the fridge. He’d walk in, grab a can, and then jokingly tell them not to touch his stuff as he left. The only possession he actually allowed Hayley to lay her hands on was his acoustic guitar because he trusted her with it and because sometimes either he or Josh would play some songs with her in their free time and let her use their instruments. Most people usually forgot the fact that Hayley herself played guitar as well. Sure, she didn’t consider herself as amazing as Josh or Taylor, but she could still play pretty good.

After bringing Oli onto the bus, she led him to the back so she could get Taylor’s guitar. Sometimes he would leave it in his bunk, but she remembered that earlier that morning he was practicing some songs from their setlist when they were all on the couch. Josh had been practicing, too, but when she got back there, she saw that his was gone. He was probably using it to entertain the others, which made her giggle as she pictured what he could possibly be playing for everybody.

Once she got Taylor’s case, she opened it and took out the guitar and grinned at Oli. He took a seat and waited patiently as she got the guitar pick Josh gave her from her bag and smiled when she finally sat down next to him with the guitar in her lap.

“So this is what you’re doing? Serenading me?” Oli teased. “I’m flattered to be getting my own private concert.”

Hayley laughed and gave him a light shove. “Oh, shut up. Don’t make me change my mind.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll keep quiet,” he chuckled. “So, what are you singing?”

“Well, I’m going to sing you a personal song of my own that not many people have heard yet,” she told him. “I’m gonna sing you one of the songs from our newest album. Like, it’s kinda sad, but also happy at the same time. It’ll make sense, trust me.”

“New music, eh?” he leaned in closer, giving her his full attention. “Since you hung up on me all those times because you said you were recording, this better be good.”

“I could still change my mind.”

“I’m kidding! Okay, I’m ready to listen.”

Rolling her eyes and smirking at him, she tucked her hair behind her ear and began tuning the guitar. “You gotta be easy on me if I mess up. Alright, here it goes…”

She took a deep breath and started strumming the guitar. Three simple chords was what she mostly had to play throughout the song and she was doing okay so far. Unlike most of the songs from her that Oli heard, this was a slow one. Her face was relaxed as she continued to strum and he already was liking how it sounded. Still, all he really wanted to hear was her voice. As if she was reading his mind, Hayley opened her mouth and finally sang.

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.

Her voice was serene and soothing. Just in that first line, he could already hear the emotions she was conveying. Oli listened to the words that escaped from her lips, which did sound sad due to the apparent message in the first verse.

And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised I’d never sing of love if it does not exist.

Since she had stated that it was a personal song, Oli wondered if this was how she really felt and was close to questioning her about it. Only he couldn’t interrupt her. Not when she sang with such a smooth and mesmerizing voice.

But darling, you are the only exception.

As she sang those lyrics, Oli found it harder to look away and it was like he was in some sort of trance. She’d meet his eyes with hers while trying her best to keep her strumming in a steady tempo, but he didn’t seem to notice if she had messed up or not. He only focused on her perfect heart-shaped face, looking into those piercing green eyes while her bright orange hair fell over her shoulders. His eyes traveled down and he then stared at her glossy pink lips that appeared to look softer than ever as her soulful vocals went on.

But he snapped out of it when he heard what sounded like Hayley hitting the wrong chord, which made her put the song to a halt. He blinked a few times while she just looked at him sheepishly.

“Sorry, I screwed up on the bridge,” she said and let out an irritated sigh. “That’s when the chords change and I almost had it.”

Oli laughed a bit at her little moment of frustration, but also couldn’t help but be disappointed that the song had to end so abruptly. He wanted to hear the rest of it. He wanted to hear her sing more.

“It’s a beautiful song,” he admitted.

She smiled at the compliment. “Thank you.”

“Did you write this song for him?” Oli asked.

“You mean Josh?” Hayley tilted her head, raising an eyebrow. “Well, we wrote it together and for me, I like to think that it could be for him, but at the same time, I also know it’s not. When I was little, my parents divorced and that did kind of make me give up on love, but I realized that there could be that one person that’s worth taking a chance. It isn’t Josh. To be honest, I don’t really know who I wrote this song for, but it still means a lot to me. Whoever they could be…I hope they’re out there.”

Oli opened his mouth, but closed it again and bit his lip. He had decided against asking her the questions he had and instead looked back at the guitar.

“Can I hear the rest of the song?”

Her face brightened and she held the instrument on her lap again. “Of course.”

And just like that, she was back to playing music for him. She picked up where she left off, playing different chords for the bridge and she had a brief look of accomplishment when she noticed that she didn’t mess up again. These chords were higher and he anticipated her voice to do the same.

I’ve got a tight grip on reality, but I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here.

He was still caught off guard when her voice raised, even though he expected it. Every time her voice went like that, he always reacted like he was hearing it for the first time. Just how can she do that? She had so much emotion, she sounded so amazing, and Oli sat there in awe, taking in the beauty of it all.

I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up. Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream.

She stared straight at him after that line and he found himself staring at those lips of hers again. For some reason, he couldn’t take his eyes off her lips, especially when they smiled. Hayley changed chords and sang about that treasured “only exception”, repeating that line over and over again. It no longer felt like she was just singing. Oli felt as if she was telling him this and as he immersed himself into her voice, he started leaning in forward.

Hayley noticed how he was getting closer, but she didn’t stop singing. Before she was really certain of what she was doing, she slowly began to lean toward him, too. As the song was coming to an end, their faces were close. Awfully close. The only thing that was keeping them from getting any closer was the guitar.

And I’m on my way to believing…

Neither of them moved or blinked when she sang the last line. They looked at each other in silence until Oli couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out, took the guitar out of her hands, and gently put it aside. As soon as that was out of the way, he crashed his lips into hers and wrapped his arms around her waist. Hayley’s eyes widened then immediately slid closed as she began to kiss him back. She pulled him close and tangled her fingers in his hair, Oli’s heart racing when he realized that she wasn’t pulling away.

Because of this unexpected move, it hit her that maybe all this time, she had always felt this way about him. All those times she enjoyed being with Oli and how much she missed him. Maybe being with him had always been what she wanted. The thought of being with Oli made her smile against his lips, and she was already picturing how things would be if they were in a relationship together.

But she also thought of the media and that changed everything.

What would really happen if they got together? She was already aware of the consequences of dating a band member. All that stupid focus on Hayley, only referring to Josh as her “arm candy” that horribly resulted in cancellation of tour dates, fights, and nearly jeopardized the band’s future. If it was already that bad for her band, what could happen if Oli got involved in the shitstorm of gossip that surrounded her?

She didn’t want him to be known as “Hayley’s boyfriend” when he was so much more than that. Already, she could imagine his band going through problems because of her, going through the same shit Paramore did. It was painful enough for her own band to deal with this; she couldn’t make another band fall apart, too. People would get hurt. Oli would get hurt.

She broke away from the kiss and shook her head. “No.”

Oli was confused by the harshness in her voice. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this. Not again.”

“Hayley, what do you mean-”

“You need to leave.”

“Please...”

“I can’t do this,” she said again. She turned away from him and buried her face in her hands, wanting to scream at the top of her lungs. She probably would have if it weren’t for Taylor’s voice to make her look up.

“Hayles? Oli?” Taylor poked his head into the bus and started walking toward the back. “Oh, there you guys are.”

“Yeah, we were just hanging out back here,” Hayley mumbled. She forced a smile and Oli , still confused by what was going on, just stared at the guitar that had been put beside him.

“Ah, I see you’re playing with the guitar,” Taylor nodded and picked it up. “That’s actually why I came in here. Josh has his guitar and he wanted you and me to join his jam session or whatever.”

“Jam session?” said Hayley.

Taylor shrugged. “His words, not mine. What about you, Oli? Wanna join us?”

“Uh, I think I should be going back to my bus to get ready for the show,” Oli scratched his head and stood up. “I’ll catch up with you all later.”

“See you later, then.”

“Later,” he walked out and didn’t bother to look back. His mind was preoccupied with the whole scene of him kissing Hayley, more so by the aftermath of it. What just happened back there? Everything was going so well up until that point. He needed time to himself to sort his thoughts out.

When he had left, Hayley also didn’t bother to watch him leave. Taylor had apparently caught on to how uneasy she looked because he sat down and rested his head on her shoulder. “What’s up with you? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine,” she assured him. It was a false statement and Taylor probably doubted she really was okay, but he knew her enough not to push it. At the moment, she wasn’t in the mood to tell him about it just yet, but she was going to bring it up to him eventually. “You said Josh wanted us, right? Don’t want to keep him waiting.”

They made their way out the bus, Hayley leaning against Taylor while he had his arm around her. He didn’t say anything else to her, only sensing that she needed his arm around her for comfort. She also needed to clear her head and Josh couldn’t have picked a better time to call her to sing. She wanted nothing more than that. That was always the best remedy for her.


Locking himself up in the bathroom of the tour bus was not where Oli wanted to be an hour before Bring Me the Horizon’s set. Though that was about the only area he could be alone and the only part of the bus where all other noises were almost nonexistent. He still heard the sounds, but he preferred to hear muffled voices over obnoxious laughter ringing in his ear. If he was going to sort out his thoughts, he didn’t need the guys distracting him.

It was driving him crazy to no end trying to figure out why Hayley had a sudden change of attitude. One moment, he was holding her close, relishing the kiss that she had happily reciprocated. The next moment, she pulled away and acted cold, brushing him off. What was supposed to be something amazing turned into something extremely awkward for the both of them. Did he do something wrong? What exactly did he do?

He began to wonder if she even felt the same way at all. Hearing Hayley sing with that voice of hers while her eyes locked with his just to cheer him up was what finally pushed him to stop hiding his repressed feelings. For a long time, he wanted to be with her and only her. In that moment, he knew he had to let her know. Oli liked Hayley a lot and he had never been so certain about anybody else. When their lips met, he knew that she was the one person worth taking a chance for. Feeling her arms around him, he believed that she was telling him that he was worth it, too. And only seconds later, all those things disappeared when she stopped kissing him back and said those dreaded words: “I can’t do this.”

Oli closed his eyes in an attempt to tune things out, which failed to work and only made those muffled voices seem louder. He placed his hands over his ears and tried to think of something else besides her, which was slightly more successful than just shutting his eyes. He was so close to finally relaxing, only to be interrupted by the sound of a fist knocking on the door.

“Oli? You okay in there?”

Lee’s voice. Oli was not in the mood to talk to anyone. “Go away, I’m busy.”

“You’ve been in there for a while,” Lee sighed. “Is something bothering you? Come on, open up.”

He proceeded his knocking and made it louder each time he hit the door, which made it impossible for Oli to ignore. Gaining a headache from the constant pounding, Oli let out a groan and swung the door open, which would’ve given Lee a bloody nose if he hadn’t backed away in time.

“There, I opened it,” Oli scowled. “Happy now?”

Lee frowned. “Seriously, what’s your problem? You were all happy earlier before you came back to the bus and now you look like you’re having the worst day ever.”

Oli walked past him and sat on the couch. “Let’s just say things aren’t going so good with…”

He didn’t finish that sentence and cursed under his breath for almost mentioning her.

“Good with what?” Lee walked over to the couch to sit next to him. “With Hayley? Did something happen between you two?”

Oli winced at her name. Really? He couldn’t even hear her name without feeling a pang in his stomach? There was also Lee’s question. He already had the answer to it. Yes, something did in fact happen with Hayley. He kissed her, she kissed him back, but then she pushed him away and he had no idea what was going to happen from then on because girls were so damn confusing and complicated. Either that or he did something wrong—whatever the hell it was. Oli didn’t want to tell all of that to him.

And yet, he was going to anyway. Maybe not in that way because that was just his emotions and insecurities getting the better of him, but he wasn’t going to hide this from a good friend. It would be better if he at least told someone because it wasn’t healthy for him to hold in something like that, especially since it was troubling him.

“I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” Oli began. “But yes, something happened between us. I kissed her.”

Like how any normal person would react to this reveal, Lee’s jaw dropped and he sat there with a look of astonishment. There were a lot of different things he could’ve said, but since he was still trying to process the information, he could only sum up his feelings in one word. “Oh.”

He then tried to utter a sentence. “Wow. That’s…that is something.”

Whether he meant it in a good or bad way, Oli couldn’t quite distinguish that. “And she actually kissed me back, but then she just…stopped.”

“Did she have a reason why?” Lee asked.

“All she told me was that she ’can’t do this’,” Oli said. “I don’t know what she means by that.”

“Maybe you should try talking to her.”

Oli was about to say something in response to that, only to lose his train of thought when he heard noises coming from outside. He shut his mouth and turned his head toward the open door of the bus, listening closely to what these sounds could be. These so-called noises turned out to be the strumming of guitars. He was hearing music. There was another sound, too. This particular sound made him stand up from the couch, leave Lee behind, and make his way out to follow where it was coming from. Despite the sound being faint, he also found it familiar and he wanted to reach to wherever it was.

He didn’t have to walk that far by the time he found the source, which turned out to be people sitting on several camper chairs. It wasn’t just anybody sitting on these chairs, which made sense as to why Oli was there. On the chairs were Taylor and Josh playing their guitars while Matt Kean and Matt Nicholls was sitting near them. In the middle of them all was Hayley singing.

The sound he had followed was her voice.

When everyone saw that he was there, the guys greeted him and smiled. Hayley was even looking at him and surprisingly kept her composure, making Oli wonder how the hell she could still sing because he was having trouble just standing at the moment. His knees started feeling weak and thankfully Nicholls offered him a seat because he was close to hitting the pavement. He kept his eyes on her as he sat down, trying to listen to what she was singing. It wasn’t the song she had sung earlier, which he knew he wouldn’t have been able to handle a second time for obvious reasons. Instead, it was a song that he had actually heard before a while ago.

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself.
I’m saying something that I should’ve never thought.

A few months back, she had told him that Paramore recorded two songs for the movie soundtrack for Twilight and he made a promise to her that he would listen to them, even though he wasn’t a big fan of the movie. One of the songs was called “Decode”, which was the first single released for the movie. It gained so much popularity that not many people cared to listen to the other song, which Oli liked better in his own honest opinion. This was the song that she was singing. Before, he only associated the lyrics with the movie and nothing else. Hearing the words again, he felt another pang in his stomach once he understood why she decided to sing this.

Don’t know what I want.
But I know it’s not you.

She was looking at him again and he tightly gripped the chair, trying to remain calm. But seriously, how was he to remain calm when the girl he had feelings for was singing this song for him? He couldn’t escape her voice. When she sang these verses and the chorus, she sounded so conflicted, so tragic, and it hurt him. The words stabbed him like a goddamn knife and he didn’t care how overused that figure of speech was. The worst part was that he still didn’t know why she was even doing this. Why had she pushed him away? Why didn’t she want to be with him? Why?

Keep pushing and pulling me down when I know in my heart it’s not you.

He had to talk to her.


Oli managed to catch her leaning against the bus after she was done with her “jam session”. When he walked up to her, she sighed and sensed that he probably had a lot of questions to ask. Maybe it would’ve been better if she hid in her bunk.

“Hi,” she murmured.

“Can we talk?” he asked. Before she could reply, he took her hand and led her around the bus so they could be in a place where nobody could interrupt them. She looked up at him and folded her arms across her chest.

“Your set’s in twenty minutes,” she reminded him. “Shouldn’t you be-”

“This is more important,” he said. “This is about us.”

“Us?” she frowned.

“I can’t stop thinking about that kiss we had,” Oli told her. “To be honest, I liked kissing you and I know you’re not going to admit it, but you liked it, too. I...I really want to be with you, Hayley. I really thought that was what you also wanted, but you apparently don’t.”

“Oli,” she lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. “I really want to be with you, too. I really do.”

He placed his hand over hers. “Then what did you mean when you said you can’t do this?”

“Because don’t you see what would happen?” she said. “I dated Josh and that affected the band in the worst possible way. I don’t want to mess things up with you and your band, too. You don’t deserve to get dragged in all this stupid publicity that I can’t get away from. That’s why Josh and I fell apart and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“No, you shouldn’t be thinking like that,” Oli took her hand away from his face so he could could hold it in his. “Remember what I said when we met? It’s not your fault the media’s full of shit because they’re not in your control, remember?”

“I might not be in control of what they do,” Hayley moved closer to him. “But I have control over what I do and what I’m doing is preventing this from happening again. I’m sorry, Oli. I can’t do this.”

He grimaced at her words, hating that last sentence more and more each time he heard it. She tried to walk away from him, but he didn’t want to let her go. “Please, just…we can try. Didn’t you tell me that it’s possible that there’s someone out there for you that’s worth taking a chance for?”

She started loosening her grip on him. “That was before I really thought about the reality of it all.”

“Hayley, no…”

No other words could come out of his mouth. Her hand slowly slipped out of his hold and she walked away from him and didn’t dare look back. He stood there all alone and watched her leave until she went back around the bus and was no longer in sight. As soon as she was gone, his thoughts once again were filled with images of her. Images of the girl he couldn’t have and the relationship that would never happen.