We Feel Like Dead Ends

Jealous. Jack was definitely jealous. These kids knew Alex; had most likely known him for the year he had been at the institute. They had all bonded from their misfortune. Even as two strangers looking in on the whole operation from the outside (quite literally), it was obvious the ‘therapy’ had brought them the sad patients inside together.
Half of him regretted not telling someone about the extremity of his mental state. Maybe if he had subjected himself to some sort of professional, they would’ve sent him here, and he would’ve been one of those teenagers with a new found family. His mind was a ball of yarn that life had fucked over one too many times; he was lost and shattered, and he was very certain he would’ve been admitted to the South Baltimore blah blah blah.

Observing the friendship was like a pull at his heart. Not a nice pull, a sharp tug. And it hurt. Jack couldn’t quite focus on what he was watching. He just gazed empty eyed at the scene that unfolded happily in front of him, his mind spinning in circles. Hazy images flashed at the corners of his vision. Dark rooms, bright lights. Alex. Alex.
Jack blinked hard.
Stop it, Jack. He thought to himself. He focused his eyes on the garden again, only to find Mike herding the group back inside. Jenna turned her head to look at him.
“Well. This seems like it could get interesting.” She whispered.
“… yeah.” Jack replied in an equally shushed voice.
And they continued to watch. Watch the patients walk away. Hear their joking voices get increasingly softer as they departed. Jenna wrapped her fingers in the grass and hummed quietly as she regarded the kids. Jack just stared and tried not to wallow in self-hatred.
“I don’t think my plan is going to work.” He murmured to Jenna. She checked her watch.
“Mate, it’s only 9:30. We’ve got the rest of the day to figure it out.” She said, a bit loudly. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw a head of brown hair turn in their direction.
Shit. He mouthed at Jenna frantically. She glanced over at the garden and he eyes widened. They didn’t dare move. They should’ve been far enough away from the main field of the garden for no one to be able to see them clearly. And now that the patients were moving even further away and into the building, they should’ve been safe.

But obviously they weren’t. Jack couldn’t bear to look as he heard footsteps in their direction. They were fucked. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t part of the plan. Jenna, though, lifted her head and smiled at whoever was heading towards them. A nervous smile, but at least she was trying. She moved a little bit over on the grass into the clear of the bush that was half concealing them before. Jack cautiously scooted himself into sight as well.
The brown haired boy who had noticed them settled down on the grass on the other side of the fence.
“What’re you doing here?” He asked, squinting at Jenna. She recognized him as the one who had introduced himself as Ryan.
“Um…” Jack didn’t have any idea what to say.
“What’re you doing here?” Jenna countered. Ryan rolled his innocent eyes.
“Depending on how long you’ve been watching, you’d already know.” He said quietly. Jenna’s mouth quirked into a small smile for a second.
“I can’t remember.” She shrugged. “It’s a lot to take it, y’know?” Ryan nodded absently. He understood the feeling. And if he guessed correctly, they had only observed 5 out of the entire hospital. Even he didn’t know how many kids were stuck in this place. He had been completely overwhelmed when he had first arrived 7 months ago.
“I… uh, I may be a little fucked up in the head.” He whispered. “But that’s okay. Everyone here is.”

“Obviously.” Jenna replied.
“Now you. Why are you two here? I don’t get it… if you haven’t been professionally placed here, why would you willingly be anywhere near this place?” His eyes couldn’t stay focused in one place. They didn’t exactly dart around, but he kept shifting his gaze from Jenna to Jack to the flower beds to the now closed door back inside the building, way behind him.
Jenna turned to Jack to answer. The skunk haired boy shifted anxiously under both of their stares.
“My… uh… best friend is in there.” He muttered. Ryan raised an eyebrow.
“Who is it?”
“Alex… Gaskarth.” Jack said. Ryan gave a hint of a smile. It brightened his whole face noticeably.
“I think I know him.” He said, shifting on the grass a little and twiddling his thumbs. “I mean, there are a lot of kids here, and I don’t think he’s in my wing or in my therapy group or my excursion group or-“ he cut himself off and looked at the ground awkwardly.
“You know him? Is he okay?” Jack blurted out. Jenna put a hand on Jack’s knee, trying hard not to grin. This was exactly why she wanted to help people. She could help heal people.
“I’ve probably seen him around, yeah. How long has he been here?”
“Almost exactly a year.” Jack said, letting himself get hopeful. Ryan could help them, they could get in and they could get to Alex. And then they could be together again.
Ryan frowned very slightly.
“I’ve only been here for 7 months, but hey…” He stood up slowly, glancing around. “Give me a minute, I’ll be right back.”
Jack smiled at Jenna, who grinned back. Now all they had to do is wait, right?
“He seems nice.” Jenna mused.
“Yeah.”
“I wonder what he was like before he came here.”
“…eh.” Jack murmured noncommittally. Ryan seemed like a sweet guy, and of course he wanted to get to know him. But at this point, when they were this close, he couldn’t quite bring himself to care that much.
Jenna just whispered something to herself and put her hands up against the fence.

Only a few minutes had passed when they could see Ryan trudging back to them. He kept glancing over his shoulder; understandably, he was most likely not allowed to be outside the institute without supervision, even the garden.
“I found his room.” He said once he was within earshot. “’… um, if you want to walk around the fence that way-“ He pointed to their left. “- and we can hope he’s there.” Jack immediately jumped to his feet, and offered Jenna a hand up. There was so much light in his eyes.
They walked. They walked past the edge of the garden, and saw a wall of the main building. It was a lot bigger than either of them had initially thought.
“Yeah, there are 3 wings.” Ryan said from the other side of the fence as they moved. “2 floors in each, and they all connect to the ‘hub’.” Jenna nodded in acknowledgement.
“Um… I’m in Wing 1, and this is Wing 2.” He continued softly. “They’re not fully residential, though. It’s sort of weird, to be honest.” He stopped walking, and Jack and Jenna halted as well. Ryan was standing in front of a window. The glass was scratched as if by fingernails. On the inner windowsill sat two worn notebooks, dog eared and scribbled all over. It made sense that it would be Alex’s room.
“So yeah.” Ryan said, pulling his black jacket sleeves over his hands. “I heard this was his. From Tay…”
Jack remembered Tay as the only girl they had seen in the garden, and he smiled.
“Knock.” He said, taking a step closer to the room so that he was practically squashed against the wire fence. Ryan obliged, rapping his knuckles against the window. They all waited with bated breath, barely daring to breathe at all.

A soft rustling. A twitch of the thick cream coloured curtains. A hesitant click as the drapes were slightly pulled aside. And then fully.
Jack almost started sobbing. It was Alex. Completely Alex, everything Alex, Alexander William Gaskarth, looking the same as he ever had before. Which was reassuring yet heartbreaking at the same time. The now 17 year old sported the same long brown hair, had the same tired eyes and the creative spirit that struggled within his corporeal body. The corporeal body that wore the same navy blue hospital scrubs as everyone else, with the pant legs rolled up just past the ankle showing thick red socks. Broken fingernails and hollow bones and uncertainty.
“Hey.” Jack whispered. Alex just stared. He said something from behind the glass that couldn’t be heard. His fingers fumbled with the lock on the window, biting his lip as he concentrated. Jenna smiled at Jack and took a step to the left, motioning for Ryan to join her.
The window slid open with a creak. Alex looked at Jack in disbelief.
“Jacko.” He said.
“Alex.” Jack murmured, lips barely even parting, just a puff of exhaled breath.
“You’re really here.” Alex said, voice perfectly steady but his hands betraying him. They tapped upon the window sill and scraped each other nervously.
“Yep.”
“I don’t think… I don’t think this is a good idea.” Alex admitted, looking over at Ryan, completely ignoring Jenna. “You guys… Jack, if you’re the same as when I, uh, left, you could get in a lot of trouble if you get caught here.”
“I miss you.” Jack replied desperately, his eyes starting to water very slightly. Alex pulled his lips tight.
“We could both get into a lot of trouble.” He said, sad eyes looking at the ground.
“I know.”
“I’m sorry, Jack.” The window closed, the locked clicked shut. As he pulled the curtains closed, Alex cast one last look at his best friend, before looking away and closing all contact. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he collapsed to the cold tiled floor.