These Words to Her

It felt like we had been at this retreat for ages. I was saddened to wake up and realise that it was only our third day and that we still had a while left in this place. Thankfully today was the last day we had to see that Introductory Therapist, but it was even better that straight after that Michelle had to go for her one-to-one session with Richard while Hannah and I went for a walk around our cabin, leaving Brian alone. Fortunately, we strayed a bit too far for a bit too long and managed to miss our trust exercise which, according to Robert, would have involved the pool. I certainly would not have been a part of that exercise had we been back in time.

Midday had come and gone and I was currently lying on my bunk, trying to have a nap as Michelle and Hannah had gone for a walk while Brian had gone for his session with Robert. It was peaceful to be alone for once but it didn't seem to be doing me any good as I couldn't go to sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking and after trying to sleep for twenty minutes, I decided to give up and go for a walk. There was a lot of ground surrounding all the cabins that the families stay in so I figured I'd come across something that would occupy my time.

I left the cabin after looking at the schedule and noting that today was the last day of the one-to-one sessions and starting tomorrow, there would be paired sessions as well as group sessions. Because I really needed something like that to cheer up my day. The weather was okay as I walked away from the cabin and away from the normal path that we would take to go to any of our scheduled sessions. A part of me just wanted to find the entrance and walk out, away from this retreat and back home to Hannah's house, where I would be with Leah and Peter, although I knew that my time with Peter was probably limited thanks to my inability to tell the truth.

After walking for a few minutes I came across a small play area that I didn't know existed. There were no adults around that I could see which I thought was odd but a retreat like this probably had workers who patrolled the place just in case they were needed, not to mention cameras. Even if they couldn't be found, I knew the likelihood was that cameras were watching what we were doing, except for when we were in our cabins. Although I couldn't exactly rule that out one hundred percent.

There was a bench by a tree that was a small distance away from the play area so I went over and sat down, watching as the kids played nicely. None of them looked extremely young, but they didn't look older than five or six. I wasn't sure how I felt about watching kids that age play without their parents around but I think that was down to how I was treated at that age. I hate getting attention now but at that age, I would have loved any attention.

After a while of being alone someone sat down next to me and I glanced across to see a girl that looked slightly younger than me watching the play area before looking at me when she felt my gaze. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," I replied, nodding slightly at her.

"What're you here for?"

I shrugged and kicked my foot across the ground. "To reconnect with my estranged parents, I guess."

She nodded. "My dad's in the army and every time he comes back my parents think we need to connect, so we come here. It's my fifth time at this place."

"Sucks," I sympathised.

"What made you estranged from them?" she asked, but I could tell she wasn't trying to pry like an adult would. It was conversation with someone in the same situation, but nonetheless I didn't reply and we both watched the kids play for a while. I hadn't spoken to anyone about not being with my parents properly, not even with Peter. He knew bits and pieces, but other than Michelle and Brian, Hannah was the only person I had who I could speak to, and after a while she wasn't very helpful. It was the same thing with her, and she though she did care, she always tried to get me to see from my parent's perspective which I've adamantly refused to see. I don't care what they might have been dealing with at that time – they wanted to have a child, so they had to be prepared to deal with everything that came along with it. I never asked to be born.

There had probably been two minutes of silence between us before I spoke. "They didn't want me as a kid but they handled it wrong. I've been living with my guardian since I was five," I said, making her look back at me.

"You haven't been adopted?"

I shook my head. "They signed over their rights to her to prevent it all going to court but refused to let her adopt me. They just want to ruin my life."

She laughed. "Tell me about it. I'm the fifth child, got two younger brothers, but somehow my parents only seem to have it out to catch me doing something I'm not supposed to be doing." For some reason, I didn't feel reluctant to talk to this girl even though I didn't know her name. There was just something about talking to someone anonymous that made me feel okay.

"If I do something wrong, no matter how menial, I get told off by my guardian which sucks. If she decides to tell my parents about it, next time I see them they try and act like proper parents and punish me. I can't catch a break."

"I knew a girl who was adopted," she started, looking back at the play area. "Kind of like you, in a way. She lived with her dad who couldn't cope with raising a kid and dealt with it the wrong way, and the next thing you know he's killed himself and she's in foster care. Took her ten years to tell anyone that he used to hit her because she wanted to protect him."

"That sucks." I don't know how I would feel if Brian or Michelle had killed themselves. Would I be glad, knowing that I would never have to go back to them? Or would I be sad? I know I don't care about them now and wish that they would just leave me alone to live my life with Hannah, but that's because I know they're alive. Would it be different if they were dead? I want to believe that it wouldn't be but for some reason I couldn't.

The girl was picking at a cut on her hand when I looked back at her. "It wasn't so much that my parents hit me when I was a kid. They did, but it was the neglect that they put me through that hurt the most," I told her, fiddling with my fingers for a distraction. "They didn't love me and I didn't understand why."

"Have you ever asked them?"

I nodded. "All the time. They just don't wanna talk about it."

"I hate when they do that," she agreed, letting out an annoyed sigh. "You ask them something but they never wanna talk about it, but the moment they want to ask you something, all hell breaks loose when you don't wanna talk about it."

"Exactly!" I had never had a conversation like this with Leah before, but that was because I preferred to keep our friendship nice and fun instead of serious, like this conversation was. Sometimes it's better to keep personal issues out of friendships.

She got out a packet of cigarettes from her pocket and offered me one. I shook my head and she shrugged. "I've never been able to get them to talk while here – the people tend to favour the parents and peg as us over-dramatic – but I've found that blackmailing my parents have led to more successful conversations."

"Blackmail?" I mused.

"It doesn't always work but it's all we've got as 'over-dramatic teenagers' and I use it as often as possible."

"You might just be on to something."

I wasn't sure how I was going to manage it, but I was going to get Michelle and Brian to talk to me, even if I had to do something dramatic in order to make them agree. If I had to spend summer with them, I was going to get the answers that I've wanted for a long time.