These Words to Her

It was on the tenth day I had been at my friend's place that I made a decision.

I hadn't showered the entire time I had been sleeping on her sofa, not because I wasn't allowed, but because I had decided that there was no need as I wasn't going out anywhere. Today, however, I chose to get up and go into her bathroom. I washed all the grease out of my hair and scrubbed my body before I squeezed the water out of the tips of my hair and got out the shower. There was a towel lying across the radiator so I grabbed that and wrapped it around my body, making sure it was tucked in securely before wandering out into the sitting room.

She was stood in the kitchen, dishing up pasta onto two plates. "I made you some," she said, gesturing to the plate she was putting the food on.

I went over to her and took the plate, sitting at the table she had and waiting until she had joined me before I began eating. "You can borrow some of my stuff," she said, nodding towards her bedroom. "Just put your clothes in the washing machine and I'll stick a load in of mine as well."

"Thanks," I mumbled, shovelling a forkful of pasta into my mouth. I was insanely grateful for how much she had done for me and I didn't know how I'd manage to make it up to her.

"I know what it's like to be at odds with family, and just so you know, if today ends up being bad, you're more than welcome to move in with me."

I smiled. "Thanks. I'm not sure how it's going to go but I'm not doing myself any good just coping up in this place."

We finished eating and she left straight after, making sure to let me know that there was a spare key up on a hook by the door before she went. She also said that she'd appreciate it if I didn't bring anyone back with me, to which I promised I wouldn't. I was far too grateful to ever be that disrespectful. Had she not let me stay, I don't know what I would have done.

I headed into her room after I had washed up the plates and chose a plain long sleeved top and a pair of jeans to wear. I shoved my feet into my shoes and put the spare key in my pocket before staring at the front door. Was I ready for this? I didn't know. All I did know was that I owed it to Peter to explain everything to him. So I opened the door and headed out for the first time in ten days.

The entire walk to his place had me slightly anxious that he wouldn't want to hear what I had to say, but I knew that I had to see him even if that was the outcome. At least I would have tried then. When I reached his place I stood in front of his door for a few moments, unable to knock. What if he wasn't in? Would I have the nerve to come back later? He was mad the last time I'd seen him, and rightfully so, but being away from him showed me how much I relied on him even when we argued. He had helped me so much since I'd met him and I now felt bad about lying to him. It was only after I had discovered his age did I resolve to lie about mine. I knew he would have had a problem with it and thought that it'd be no problem to just bump it up by two years. Clearly, I didn't think it through properly.

Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door several times. I still had time to turn around and head back to my friend's place, to pretend that I had tried and it just hadn't worked. It would be a lie but I that seemed to be the only thing I was good at. I didn't run, though. I stayed and after a moment, the door opened.

"Nicole?" Peter exclaimed, bewildered.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Where have you been?!"

I sighed. "I really need to talk to you. Please."

He let me in and I felt a wave of relief rush over me when I discovered that he was alone, there was no Hannah or Brian or Michelle lurking in the shadows. I knew he didn't like the latter two but I'd been gone for two weeks - things could have changed. I sat down on his sofa and he sat next to me, looking at me in concern. "No one's seen you in over a week," he said.

"I know," I replied, unsure how I was supposed to continue.

"I've had Brian round her several times, accusing me of hiding you. Hannah's been worried sick about you. What happened?"

I buried my face in my hands and took a deep breath. Being truthful was what I had to do - lying was going to get me nowhere. But it was difficult. I was so used to lying that telling the truth was frightening. I took one more deep breath before looking back up. "I never told you everything about my parents," I began. "I told you bits and that we didn't get along, but I never went into detail. The thing is, when I was younger, my parents were horrible to me. That was why I came to live with Hannah, not because they were having financial troubles and couldn't care for me full-time. And this is really hard to say, but I've never got over it. You'd think that after all these years I would have but I just can't, and with how they kept blaming me for splitting up the family, I've just clung to my resentment of them."

"You don't have to tell me this, not if it's too difficult."

I shook my head. "I'm not going to lie to you anymore. Even if you never forgive me, I want you to know the truth," I told him. "After you left, Brian accused me of telling you lies and kept going on about how they'd had nothing but trouble with me, so I told him they should have aborted me, because they've never wanted me, not as far as I'm concerned. I just never expected him to tell me to my face that he wished they had aborted me."

Peter inhaled sharply. "Shit."

"I just didn't know what to do - what are you supposed to do when you own parents admit to you after all these years they they wished they'd got rid of you? I just couldn't face them or Hannah or anyone."

"I'm so sorry," he apologised, shifting closer to me and pulling me in for a hug. "I wish you had been truthful with me from the start but I understand why. What he said was unforgivable. How could someone say that to their own child?"

I clung to him, closing my eyes to stop myself from crying. "Please don't tell them I came."

He pulled away and I was forced to open my eyes and look at him. "Stay tonight. Hannah told me that she had always known my age and never had any problems with it. She's only ever cared about making you happy, so stay tonight and tomorrow I'll come with you to see her."

"I don't want to see them."

"You're going to have to," he said, "but I'll be there when you do."

And for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like there was a bit of light ahead of me.