These Words to Her

It wasn't long before Michelle was tentatively knocking on my door to let me know that dinner was ready. I ignored her until I heard her footsteps retreat slowly downstairs. Honestly, I did not want to go and eat dinner with her but I knew I didn't really have a choice because when I was thirteen and refused to eat with them for yet another year, they put in place a rule that I would not be allowed to eat if I didn't eat with them. It annoyed me so much but there wasn't anything I could do about it if I wanted to eat dinner.

My phone started vibrating on the bedside unit, but I ignored it because I knew who it would be and did not want to talk to him right now; instead I got up off the bed and unlocked my door before leaving the room and descending downstairs. Michelle was just putting the plates on the table as I stepped into the dining room and I noticed that three plates were set which meant that Brian would be here for dinner as well.

I sat in the same seat I'd been sitting in for the last few years and she sat opposite me, leaving the head of the table empty. "Your father's running late at the studio," she explained, nodding to the empty seat.

Him being at the studio didn't surprise me but I said nothing and just picked up my fork and poked at a piece of pasta. She started eating as well but I could see that she kept looking at me, almost as if she wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to bring it up. I didn't wait until she got the nerve to ask. "What is it? You have something to say to me so just say it," I told her, placing my fork down on the plate.

"Why are you so angry today?" she asked, obviously referring back to the mood I was in when she caught me on the stairs.

"Why am I angry? Oh, jeez, Michelle, I wonder why," I responded sarcastically, picking my fork back up and stabbing at a tomato.

She took a sip of her water before replying. "I was only asking."

"It was a stupid fucking question," I snapped. "I'm angry because I'm here instead of where I want to be." My answer wasn't something that she didn't expect but it still didn't stop her from sighing, putting her fork down and placing a hand on her head. If she gets tired of me so easily why the hell does she keep demanding that I come and visit them during my holidays?

The front door opened and Brian called out, "Michelle?"

"In here," she replied and a few moments later he came into the room and looked between her position and me.

"What did you say now, Nicole?" he asked, not even bothering with the formalities you'd think he would with his own daughter. Of course not. They expect me to give them the courtesy of that but would they give that to me? Brian certainly wouldn't.

Michelle waved it off before I could reply. "It's nothing, honestly. Are you going to take your shoes off before sitting down?" she said, looking at his feet pointedly.

He walked off back towards the front door before reappearing again with no shoes on. I didn't look at him as he took his seat next to both Michelle and I. "It's nice to see you, Nicole," he said, giving me a smile. God, I hate it.

"Make one of us," I muttered, popping the pasta I had stabbed into my mouth.

"Do you always have to be so rude," he snapped. "Your mother made this nice meal for us, don't bother spoiling it." He was staring at me with a hard look the whole time he spoke. It didn't do anything because I had gotten used to the look he would give me whenever I pissed him off, something which happened increasingly more as I got older.

Directly in front of me, Michelle was shaking her head. "Let's just start this again. I want no more arguing between us," she said, looking between both Brian and I. "Now, how's school going?"

I rolled my eyes. "Doesn't Hannah tell you that already?"

"She does," she admitted, "but I want you to tell me." So that they could tell me how much I'm a disappointment because I'm not the perfect daughter that they thought I would turn out to be.

"Well I'm failing English, Maths and Chemistry, am on the verge of failing Spanish and oh, completely dropped out of Music because I hate it," I said, making sure to slip in the one thing I was incredibly proud about achieving just to get on Brian's nerves.

It worked because as soon as I said it, his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. "You dropped out of Music?" he asked.

"Yup," I replied, popping another piece of pasta in my mouth. "I also stopped going to my music lessons and I sold the guitar you gave me."

"Why the hell would you do that?" he hissed. "I gave you that as a present for you, not some other person! Jeez, Nicole, show a little damn appreciation."

I hadn't actually sold the guitar that he gave me because Hannah wouldn't let me no matter how much I pleaded, but I had put it away where I couldn't see it and be reminded about who my father actually was all the time. The music lessons were dropped because I hate everything to do with music except for listening to it, but that was hard to grasp for Brian because apparently I had to love everything to do with guitars because he did. Just another expectation that I was failing for him but it didn't bother me because as far as I was concerned, if I made Hannah proud then that was all that mattered.

Michelle tutted. "Your father paid a lot of money for that guitar, the least you could have done is kept it," she reprimanded.

I sighed. "And I told Brian that I didn't want a guitar but of course no one listens to me because my parents know best, right? Oh, wait, some parents you are," I retorted.

"We tried our best," she bit back, obviously hurt at my words, "but you chose Hannah over us." The bitterness was clear in her words but it didn't phase me. I might not bring this up every time that I'm forced to spend the holidays at their house, but I've brought it up enough to know that she resents Aunt Hannah for the fact that I prefer her over them.

Brian was quick to jump in. "Show some damn respect," he snapped. "Since turning sixteen you seem to have lost all respect for us and the knowledge that despite you living with Hannah, we are still your parents."

"How could I forget that you're my parents when you won't let me forget?" I yelled, pushing my plate away roughly. "I've already asked you to let her adopt me but of course you won't let me have that piece of happiness because that'd mean you'd actually have to face the fact that you're terrible parents and you failed."

Brian looked just about ready to hit the roof and Michelle looked like someone had just tore her heart out. I don't know why it affects them so much because I probably tell them this every year so it's nothing they haven't heard before. Plus, it's the truth but I guess the truth does hurt sometimes.

"Look at you, Nicole," he hissed, "Hannah obviously didn't do a good enough job at teaching you manners and respect. And you're failing school so before you go saying that we failed, look at how you've turned out."

I shot up in my seat and glared at him. "Don't you dare insult her! She's the one who raised me when you two couldn't be bothered to spare me two seconds of your time, she's the one who gave a damn about me enough to take me in and treat me like her own daughter," I told him, venom laced in each word. "So before you say shit about her, try having a damn kid that you actually care about." With that I stormed away from the table and out of the room. He shouted something after me but I ignored it, rushing up the stairs instead and slamming my door hard enough for them to hear.

First days were never good with them but they've never been as bad as this one just was. They expected me to just sit there and listen to them bitch about Aunt Hannah which I would never do because I owed her too much. They thought that buying me stuff would help with how I felt towards them, but nothing they brought could ever remove my memories about my childhood.

I would never forget how it first felt to not be wanted by my parents.