These Words to Her

My phone vibrated on the bedside unit as I laid in my bed. The time was already close to midday but I hadn't gotten up yet. Michelle has already come up twice and knocked on my door to get me to wake up but I chose to ignore her and continue wallowing in my anger at them. I had never been angry with them until I was about ten years old, but I guess that was because I had never fully understood everything surrounding my living with Hannah until that age. Hannah puts it down to the fact that I wasn't mentally old enough to fully understand the why behind me not wanting to live with my parents, but I knew that I was old enough to understand, it was just that I didn't want to.

It's hard to explain to people the situation about my parents because not only does it make me angry, but it also hurts to know that they only wanted me when I chose Hannah.

I reached over and grabbed my phone before accepting the call. "Hello."

"Well it's about time you decided to pick up the damn phone," he grumbled, not at all happy that I had been ignoring him.

"Be grateful that I did," I retorted, covering my eyes with my other hand.

He sighed, letting me know that he was irritated by me. "You know we need to talk."

I huffed and rolled over onto my side. "I can't be bothered," I told him, glancing at the wall in front of me. The door had even been painted as well because it used to have chipped paint on the inside and now it looked utterly smooth. "And I also don't want to talk about this while I'm here."

"Do you think I actually give a shit," he replied. If we were in the same room, he would have probably shaken his head at me and said a lot more about the topic than he has done on the phone. Luckily for me, he doesn't like dealing with everything on the phone because he prefers to say it when we're together so that my reaction can't be hidden. Apparently I lie to him too much but that's just his opinion. "Nicole, don't bother hanging up on me."

I rolled my eyes at him and sat up in the bed. "What, Peter? Do you want to know why I said no?" I snapped, brushing my hair back from my face. "Because I already told you that I'm not explaining myself to you."

"No, I want to know why you lied to me," he shot back and I sighed. "Oh, am I boring you? I'm sorry, should I not bother?"

"You're supposed to be twenty one, Peter. Act your fucking age," I exclaimed.

He laughed. "And you're supposed to be eighteen, but you can't even talk to me like a mature adult. Just call me when you decide to stop being like you said your mother was and acting like the Nicole I know." With that, he hung up with his final words stinging me. He knew that I didn't like being compared to my parents, and when I told him about them I didn't realise he'd be using them to insult me whenever things didn't work one hundred percent between us. But I guess the one thing I probably picked up from my parents was my ability to lie over anything, even something as simple as my age. I didn't want to think about what would happen when he found out that I wasn't quite eighteen.

As I was too lazy to change, I got out of bed and left the room while still in my pyjamas. There was talking as I strode towards the kitchen and just my luck, Michelle's sister was there talking with her. Aunt Val wasn't too bad out of the people that I'm forced to see whenever I come here, but I just don't want to get attached to anyone because the moment I turn eighteen, I will never be stepping foot in this house again.

"Nicole," Val exclaimed, giving me a smile as she came over to me. "I was beginning to think that you wouldn't be appearing today." She wrapped her arms around me in a hug and I let her, I just didn't wrap my arms around her.

"And avoid seeing my parents? Never," I muttered, making her frown as she pulled away. Michelle was standing by the counter with a drink in her hand but I ignored her and decided to look in the fridge for something to eat. I wasn't all that hungry but I didn't eat a lot of dinner last night so if I can appease my appetite, it might make this time go faster. There was a variety of food in the fridge but nothing looked appealing. I didn't want to look away and see Michelle and Val watching me so I continued to look around, pretending that I was thinking about what I could eat.

After a prolonged search, I eventually pulled out a carton of fruit that was sat at the back. I didn't like fruit all that much but I needed something and this was all there was for choice. Val watched me sit on the kitchen counter before speaking. "Your mother and I were talking about what happened last night," she started which made me roll my eyes.

"Let me guess? It was all my fault because if I didn't choose Hannah over them then it would not have happened."

"Actually she told me that you had asked to go to Europe with your friend this summer."

I popped an apple chunk in my mouth and shrugged. "And that was denied because you hate me, right, Michelle?"

"I would never hate you!" she exclaimed, a horrified look on her face. "You're my daughter, and nothing will ever change that."

Val shook her head at me but continued. "I suggested that you guys go on a retreat somewhere."

I raised an eyebrow. "A retreat?" Somehow, I couldn't see Brian agreeing to something like that. What did she have in mind? A beauty retreat? I don't know how something like that would ever be of use to us, especially as Brian probably wouldn't be able to spend a day away from the studio. Even when they're not at the studio, he never seems to be able to spend one day away from his friends. It's ridiculous.

"It's a family's retreat to help you to reconnect," she explained further but that was all I needed to know.

"I don't need to reconnect with Michelle or Brian. So I don't think it would be of any help." I ate the last piece of fruit from the package before hopping down off the side and chucking it away.

Val looked annoyed. "You call them by their first names, Nicole. You have no respect for them and you don't seem to want to even try and connect with them for the time you're here – and you think you don't need to reconnect with your parents?" she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

It's always the same. No one can ever butt out of what happens between Michelle, Brian and I, especially their friends who only hear their side of the story and never mine so surprisingly, I'm always to blame. Let's not forget who forgot to feed their two year old child for a whole thirty six hours because they were too busy focusing on a band. But of course, that must be my fault as well.

When I was that age, I did think that I must have done something wrong for my parents to ignore me like that. And it's those memories that I remember about my childhood because they're the ones that stick out for me, so when Michelle goes on about a time I fell asleep across her lap and sucked her thumb when I was three, I don't remember that. Instead I'm remembering being told that I was a nuisance and that she wished she had never had me. I even remember a time just before my fifth birthday when Brian told me the same thing just because I had spilt my juice on some of his papers. He even slapped me for touching his guitar with chocolatey hands even though I was two years old and didn't know better.

Val would never understand why I didn't want to ever reconnect with Michelle, and truthfully, neither would Hannah because I can't tell them the actual reason why.

"I'm as close to Hannah as I can be, so please tell me why I need to reconnect with my parents?" I stated, directly looking at Michelle before turning on my heel and going back upstairs. I didn't go back down until the next morning.

I could never tell anyone that I was too scared of being rejected again.