These Words to Her

When I woke up the next morning I had hoped that I'd be back at Michelle and Brian's house, but unfortunately we were still in the cabin. At first I thought that rising at seven was going to be the worst thing of the day, but I ended up being wrong as Robert showed up twenty minutes after we'd risen, led us to breakfast and then after allowing us fifteen minutes to eat and wake up properly, he led us back to the room we'd been in the day before with the Introductory Therapist.

Unlike yesterday, we were only there for fifteen minutes, during which I attempted to go back to sleep but unfortunately wasn't allowed. It wasn't like the session was any help to me because all Susan spoke about was about how our first day went, how we felt we were settling in and how we liked having Robert as our guide so far. I stayed silent during all the questions and let Michelle talk her way through the session.

I clearly hadn't looked at our schedule because I had no idea that as soon as the session with Susan had finished, I was going to be having my very first therapy session. To make it worse, Hannah, Brian and Michelle were allowed to go back to the cabin and relax while I had to sit in a room similar to Susan's and have a man I didn't even know speak like he knew me.

As I entered the room Robert had directed me to, the man sitting on the chair stood up to greet me. "You must be Nicole," he said warmly, gesturing to me to come further into the room and sit on the small couch that was opposite his chair.

"Obviously," I muttered, perching on the edge of the seat. "Don't even know why I'm here."

"In this session or this retreat?"

"Both."

He nodded and sat back in his chair, gazing back at me. "Why don't we start with introductions? I'm Richard."

I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were a therapist?"

"I am, but we work a little differently at this retreat then we would in a big city. We like to remain on the same level as those who come to our sessions, and introducing ourselves as a doctor doesn't allow us to do that," he explained. These guys certainly thought of every way possible to make me feel uncomfortable. "So, tell me a bit about yourself."

"I'm Nicole. I'm sixteen. I think this is a complete waste of my time. Can I go now?" I made to stand up but he motioned at me to remain seated.

He reached back to the desk behind him and brought forward a clipboard similar to the one that Robert always carried around with him. "You know that we're here to fix your relationship with your parents, right?"

I nodded. "Which I see no point to. When I turn eighteen, I no longer have to see them again."

"Care to elaborate?"

"What's there to elaborate?" I deadpanned. "I hate them."

He nodded and motioned for me to continue with his hand but I refused, sitting back into the couch and crossing my arms over my chest. "Hate is a very strong word," he prompted, but I didn't continue. After a moment, he spoke again. "Out of every word you could have used, you decided to use 'hate'. That means there's a lot of emotion inside of you that makes you say that you hate them instead of dislike, or can't stand."

I rolled my eyes but remained silent. I wasn't interested in talking to him about my feelings towards Michelle and Brian, least of all why I hate them rather than just dislike them. Hannah barely ever had me speak to her about them throughout the years I've lived with her; instead I would walk away from her and either leave the house or go to my room and ignore her. Despite how often I brought it up with them both, I hated talking about them. The subject of family isn't one I'm comfortable with talking to anyone about.

After a few moments of no one speaking, Richard put the clipboard back on his desk and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "We're not going to get anywhere if you don't talk to me," he said.

"Who said that I wanted to get anywhere?" I responded.

"So you're okay with your relationship with your parents as of right now?"

I scoffed. Is he for real? "Of course not. I would prefer if I wasn't forced to spent my time off from school with them, but I have no choice."

"There must be a reason behind that," he said, and I couldn't help but throw my head in my hands in frustration.

"What don't you get? I'm not talking to you about my feelings towards my parents because that is nothing to do with you or anyone at this damn retreat. So no matter what you say, I'm not telling. This whole thing is a waste of time because I don't want to be here, and I sure as hell am not going to be changing my opinion on Michelle and Brian any time soon," I snapped, standing up from the chair and storming out of the room. I didn't care that the session had quite obviously not reached its end, but I no longer wanted to be in that room with him.

Robert was outside of the room and looked up when I appeared. "You've got another half an hour with him," he said

"I don't care," I said, and with that I left the building and made my way back over to the cabin. Even though I knew everyone would be there, it was the only place I could go in this god forsaken place. There was no piece of me that could even see the rest of the days playing out nicely, especially if the people here wanted me to talk to them about personal matters that shouldn't be discussed outside of a house. It wasn't that I was a terribly private person but it was the fact that the situation between my parents and I was to do with us alone, and Hannah was only involved because she was a part of it too. No one else but the four of us should know about the details, but unfortunately for me I knew that Michelle had shared it with her sister and that Brian had most probably shared it with his friends.

Hannah was the one to notice me through the cabin's window and opened the door as I climbed the steps. "You're back early," she observed but I ignored her and pushed through into the lounge. "Don't be rude."

I snorted and turned to face her as she shut the door. "Don't be rude? Well I'm sorry that I don't take too kindly to people trying to press me on an issue that I will not talk about. I don't even see a point in this stupid retreat because nothing will fix the relationship between me and them, and that is not my fault."

She sighed and placed a hand on her forehead. "Did you even try?" she asked.

"No."

"You're lucky that they went for a walk." She sat on one of the sofas and patted the other for me to sit on. "You have to try, Nicole."

I shook my head. "I don't have to try anything. You know why I don't want anything to do with my parents, so why do you keep on insisting?"

"Because they're your parents," she explained.

"Birth parents," I corrected.

"They gave you life."

Outraged at the direction she was going in, I brought up the one thing that was never talked about. "And they almost took that away."

She looked at me sharply. "You know that was a mistake," she chided.

"Why? Because they were first time parents? I'm sure that most first time parents don't leave their four year old child in a swimming pool, unattended, while they fight. Especially when that child couldn't swim!"

The story behind it was one that I knew off by heart. Michelle and Brian had decided to teach me how to swim in the pool of a friend they were house sitting for. It was going well, I had floats to keep me above water, and they were doing the good parent act fine. Then something was said, Brian got out of the pool, Michelle took me over to the side and got out herself, and then the fight broke out.

Hannah and I had only spoken about it once, back when I was eight years old and she tried to take me swimming. It was an incident that neither had spoken to anyone about, so when I had tearfully told her why I was so afraid of the water, she had furiously stormed over to their house the following day when I was at school and had such a go at them. Of course it had been brought up the next time I was at their house, but I'd refused to talk to them about it and had threatened to phone Hannah up and get her to come get me. Back then she would come and get me whenever I called. It was only once I got older that she wouldn't.

She went to speak but I continued. "And you know that's not even the worst thing. I could have got over that and everything else that happened, I could have even forgiven them. But they won't even acknowledge that any of that happened. All they say is that if I hadn't have chosen to live with you, everything would have been better. If I even try to bring up any of those years and what I remember, they call me a liar. It's like I made the whole thing up." I couldn't even cry if I had wanted to. Acceptance isn't something that had happened, but rather I had gotten used to bottling everything up, especially during my time at their house. Even if I bring up the past and we argue, I don't feel all that I should about those situations. I might feel angry, sad or even annoyed, but I don't show it as much as I should.

"You what?" she said, her attention having been spiked by my final words. "I ask you about what happens during your visits, and not once did you tell me that they refuse to acknowledge it."

I shrugged. "Why should I? I'm just a liar," I retorted, bitterly. "Just a liar who is the reason behind the family being broken up."