I Will Always Care for You

Josh felt as if he couldn't move. As if he couldn't blink. As if he couldn't speak.

He was at home, sitting on the couch and staring straight ahead. His hand was set on the arm of the seat, yet it was closed in a tight fist while the other hand was resting on his knee. Jenna wasn't home, so he had the house to himself and the only noise that was heard around the place was the television. However, he wasn't watching anything. Since he didn't have anything to play CDs, he used the DVD player for that. Listening to music always was a way for people to calm their minds and help them relax. It gave people an escape and the rhythms and lyrics moved them in different ways.

And boy, was this album moving. This album he had recently bought had seventeen tracks and ran for about sixty-four minutes. As for the band, he had been listening to them for years, watched them grow and progress from being a small-town group into something that many people looked up to and adored. He used to adore them, too. Possibly more than anybody else.

After all, he was once apart of that band.

Paramore's newest album was inside his DVD player and all it took for that to happen was an impromptu trip to the CD store. The day started out as a normal Saturday with him driving around town and running errands. He was pretty content that morning since he had a good night's rest and the season of Spring also added to that. Josh was in such a good mood that he finished his errands earlier than he expected, but he didn't want to go home just yet. He knew he'd be passing the CD store on the way back, so he thought why not? It wasn't like he had anything else to do and there was absolutely nothing wrong with getting more music.

Once he got there, he walked through the aisles, trying to think of what he felt like buying. The used section was always the first place he checked, but his selections were unfortunately limited and he didn't find anything that caught his interest. He moved on to look elsewhere, thinking of possibly buying a band or artist entirely new to him. However, when he was near the front of the store again, he froze after spotting something in the corner of his eye. It was the "New Releases" shelf and he stood in front of it, looking at the CD at the top.

There it was, the album he knew he'd end up seeing someday. He stared at the three familiar faces on the cover, noticing that only two of them were looking back at him. She was the only one looking away, but he told himself not to look into that fact too much. That shouldn't bother him.

Before he was really aware of what he was doing, he lifted a hand up and reached for it. His fingers gingerly touched it and when he did that, he immediately pulled his hand away and glanced around. Josh then shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh, wondering why he was acting as if he was committing a crime. All he was going to do was look at it. Just look.

After finally taking it away from the shelf, he held the plastic case in his two hands, yet only by his fingertips as he still felt like he couldn't fully touch the item. He stared at the faces again, but mostly focused on hers and he was unable to even look away. To get out of this ridiculous trance, he quickly turned the case over to look at the back, deciding to read over the track list. He read each song name slowly and mouthed them, but not too loud so other people could hear him.

So many things were going through his mind. This was really the first album without him and Zac. After that whole event of why the two brothers had left, there was no doubt that Paramore was going to address that. Just by reading the song titles, Josh could already tell it was going to be the main topic of some of them. He wondered what she could've written and then he started to wonder what the songs sounded like and how much their sound had changed. Would they sound any different and would they even sound good? Maybe they'd sound worse or even better than they did before. With all these thoughts filling up his head, he knew he couldn't just put the CD back down and walk away like it was nothing because he was now curious. He had already formed these questions and the only way for him to find the answers was to listen to this album.

Which is why he suddenly ended up at the counter and purchased it, very relieved that nobody in the store recognized him. He closely held the bag to his chest as he rushed toward his car. The bag was put in the passenger seat and he started his car and headed home, wanting to get there as quick as possible. Though he could have listened to it in the car, he knew that would only distract him from driving. He wanted his full attention on the road and once he was at the house, he'd focus his attention on the music. Josh wanted to make sure he heard everything when he pressed play.

When he got home, it then occurred to him that he didn't know what he would use to play the CD. His old CD player got thrown out ages ago and with technology moving forward, he never really got a new one. Another option was his laptop, but it got a nasty virus a few weeks back and he also hadn't replaced that. But then he remembered that he still had the DVD player and that he had once used it to listen to some CDs of his. Going into the living room, he took the CD out of the bag and tore off the plastic that covered it. He bent down to turn on the television and pressed the button that opened the DVD player. After getting off the annoying stickers on the sides of the case that kept him from opening it, he took the disc and put it into the DVD player.

Josh stepped back and sat down on the couch, preparing himself for what he was about to hear. He set the case down next to him and looked at the list of songs again, silently reading the first song's title. The music had started and he darted his eyes back to the screen. It was black, something that always happened when a DVD player was just playing music and he liked it that way. That gave him something blank to stare at. If he kept his eyes on the screen, he wouldn't be distracted and could listen to everything. The lyrics, the rhythms, her voice. All of it.

The first song opened up with drums, soon followed by a guitar. At hearing these two things, what first came to his mind was how that used to be Zac on drums and Josh himself was the guitarist. He didn't know who was currently taking over his brother's part, but he knew who was on guitar. That was Taylor playing. Taylor was the lead guitarist now. Then he listened for the bass, wanting to hear Jeremy as well. So far, the both of them sounded good and before he knew it, the instrumental was finally joined by her vocals.

Been through the wringer a couple times, she sang. Her voice was already playing inside his head. It had been about three years since he heard her sing and to hear it now, he wasn't afraid to admit that she also sounded as good as she had always been. For those first few lines she sang, he focused only on how she said the words and it felt as if he could only hear her, the rest of the music fading. But then he reminded himself that he should also try to listen to what she was singing because he wanted to know exactly how she was feeling and exactly how long it would take for the lyrics to hit him.

Hollowed out and filled up with hate.

That's when Josh started to make a fist. It also didn't help that she delivered that line in a monotonous tone. A few lines back, she already mentioned how they "had to learn how to deal", which was an obvious reference to the brothers leaving and then she stated that they're filled up with hate. He didn't make a fist because he was angry. It was just his way of trying to stay cool and collected because the words were already starting to hit him and he wasn't even halfway through the first song.

The next song had a rebellious tone to it, which was definitely shown in the chorus. She sang about demanding a future and how she wasn't going to just sit there and do nothing. During the bridge, she straight up said, There's a time and a place to die and this ain't it. That was just like her to say something like that and Josh nodded at these words, remembering the kind of person she was.

The third and fourth songs were lighter and softer than the first two. Not sounding angry as much, but still containing lyrics that Josh couldn't really sit with well. There was a line in the third song where she said that she had to grow up and in order to do that, she had to leave behind whoever she was addressing in that track. Three guesses to how he interpreted that.

It was just her voice and a ukulele for the fifth song. According to the track list, it was one of the three interludes and the title of this one was the first one that caught his eye when he read the list. It was titled "Moving On" and it was the only one that he was absolutely certain was about him and Zac.

She sang in an upbeat and happy tone while Taylor strummed away on that ukulele of his. This made the song seem less harsh than it really was, but it punched Josh nonetheless.

Let 'em spill their guts, 'cause one day they're gonna slip on 'em.

Ouch. Her voice really wasn't making it any better, especially when she said "guts". The emphasis she put on the word was her throwing the punch.

Well, I could be angry, but you're not worth the fight. And besides, I'm moving on.

This song was only a minute long. Maybe a minute and a half at the most, yet it was the one that really affected him so far. He was only five songs in, but he was going to hear the rest, no matter what. There was a lot he still had to listen to.

And how was it that her voice still mesmerized him? The sixth song had a sarcastic message of living in the real world and being all alone, but her voice just bounced and gave the song a fun and lively mood along with the poppier and cleaner sound that he wasn't used to. Halfway through, a gospel choir joined in and her vocals became more soulful and beautiful. It astounded Josh how versatile she could be.

Picking up the case again, he raised an eyebrow at the name of the next song. All it said was "Part II". To what? Apparently this was some sort of sequel to a previous number, but it didn't specify which track. He leaned forward as the seventh song started playing, noticing that it wasn't going to be one of the more poppier ones. It was closer to their old sound and he guessed that maybe it wasn't a sequel to one of the songs on this album. Could it possibly be one to an old song? Hopefully, the lyrics would help him figure that out.

Right away, the first line that came out her mouth indicated that it definitely was a second part to one of their older songs.

What a shame we all remain such fragile, broken things.

His fist tightened. He'd recognize those lyrics anywhere and he didn't even need to hear the whole line to know that this was a sequel to "Let the Flames Begin". Old memories were already coming back to him and he took a deep breath and continued to listen, having a feeling that this was going to hit him much harder than the interlude did.

A part two. A part two to a song from their album Riot!, back when Josh and Zac were in the band. When everything seemed so great for all of them because they were getting the recognition they never expected to get. They were all happy and young, excited to be making their dreams come true. Jeremy, who had left the band for a while, had came back and they were all together again. Josh was with her, completely in love, and he didn't want to be with anyone else. All of this was before the issues, the arguments, and the canceling of tour dates. The close-knitted relationship of the band started to falter after that album.

A beauty half-betrayed, butterflies with punctured wings…

Yet another line to remind him of the past. He saw the mention of the half-betrayal and butterflies as a reference to Brand New Eyes. Their third album and the last one they all recorded together before the brothers left. That was when they thought they worked through their problems. It seemed like things were getting better for them and that they were closer than ever. Funny how all that worked out.

This song, like its predecessor, still had the same message of holding onto faith. However, it seemed more personal and had a darker feel to it. There were themes of struggling, lost trust, and loneliness all in just this one song. It was more hopeless compared to "Let the Flames Begin" and Josh honestly thought it was painful to hear the desperation in her voice in the chorus. He shut his eyes, not sure if he really wanted to keep listening and he thought about getting up to turn off the television. This was a bad idea and he never should've bought the album in the first place. What made him think that he was able to handle this?

He stood up and walked over to the television as the song went into an instrumental break. His index finger was on the power button, but he couldn't get himself to press it for some reason. Josh didn't know why, but he still wanted to keep listening and as much as it hurt him to be hearing these lyrics, he didn't want to stop. He froze and did nothing, the television still on and the music still playing. Seeing that he was just wasting his time and not going through with shutting it off, he took his hand off the button and walked back to the couch to sit back down.

She sang another verse and because of this verse, the song actually didn't end on a negative note. The hope was slim, but it was still there and they established that faith really was important to them. Finally, that song came to an end and he waited to see what song would follow.

The song after was almost like a continuation of having little hope. It was slower and longer, her voice sounding vulnerable. But it wasn't a sad song. It was a way for them to say they could get past the rough times. This was a lot more hopeful than "Part II" was and he was able to breathe easy again, even if a part of him felt a little sad.

Surprisingly, he actually recognized the next song. He heard it a few times on the radio, but never listened to it in its entirety for reasons that he didn't have to explain. This was the big single from them that was practically everywhere, so it was nearly impossible for him to avoid it. Since he was actually paying attention to the track this time, he realized that it took the album a total of nine songs for him to hear something from them that was truly and legitimately happy.

Can't count the years on one hand we've been together. I need the other one to hold you.

It was a straight-forward love song. Something way idealistic compared to the past songs and the other albums. Obviously, this song was written for Chad Gilbert, her long time boyfriend. The guy that came along and swept her off her feet after she and Josh broke up. Josh remembered when they started dating and how he even had a talk with Chad, wanting to make sure that he treated her right and took care of her. According to how giddy and happy she was in this song, Chad was doing a good job.

After all this time, I'm still into you.

Josh wondered how things would've been if he was still with her. Would she have written this kind of song for him or would the song be…not as straight-forward and giddy, but still a love song? Considering their history, the latter was more possible. How would this whole album even be if they were still together and if he and Zac were still apart of the band? No. No, he shouldn't be thinking about this. She was in a healthy relationship and Josh was married to Jenna. He didn't even know why that came up. This album was messing up his thought process.

From then on, the songs afterwards got happier. The tenth song that had their old sound played and even included laughter at the end. The second interlude was about her taking a holiday and her sunny attitude and sugary tone matched with the lyrics. The twelfth song was even another nice little love song for Chad. While the first half of the album was dealing with the Farro brothers' departure, the second half was about Paramore growing up and having brighter days.

And of course, what was a Paramore album without at least one ballad? The thirteenth song was titled "Hate to See Your Heart Break" and her voice was gentle and soft. The whole meaning behind the song was how she appeared to be telling someone that she hated to see them go through heartbreak and that she was empathetic to their situation.

I hate to see your heart break. I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close, but I've been there before.

"I've been there before, too," Josh muttered. It was like she was singing to him and that was about the only thing he said during this.

This was arguably the softest song from them yet. It had a bit of a country style to it and there was a string arrangement that made it even more of a ballad. He leaned back on the couch, actually relaxing as he listened to it. Not only was her voice mesmerizing, but whenever she sang like this, he also found her voice soothing.

The ballad was then over and followed by a song that seemed like it came straight from a sixties pop group. It told an interesting story about a girl trying all she could to get her boyfriend back, taking extreme actions such as breaking into his house and going into his closet just so she could smell his skin. Josh was amused by the whole thing and how she showed her humorous side in it, admitting that she was "one of those crazy girls" by the end. To him, he always saw her as a crazy girl, but he meant it in a different way. A good way.

It depends on the day, the extent of all my worthless rage; I'm not angry anymore.

The ukulele returned and the words caught his attention again. For the third and final interlude, she claimed not to be as angry and bitter as she used to be and after all these songs, he believed what she was singing. She wasn't angry anymore.

Two songs were left. How much time had passed anyway? He looked at the track list in disbelief since he was surprised with himself for sitting there for almost an hour listening to this. Well, he made it this far and there was no reason for him to stop, so he listened on. The penultimate song was once again another love song with the style of old Paramore. Just another reminder that her mood had changed and she wanted to assure people that they didn't want to be so negative anymore. Josh understood her loud and clear.

At last, he had reached the final song. It began with light guitar and her tranquil voice again, singing about the future and following dreams. She only sang a few verses, then her vocals took a step back while the drums kicked in and the distorted guitars took over. The rest of the song was instrumental, completely free of lyrics and went on for a while. This was the longest song from the album and Taylor's guitar playing was amazing. The whole atmosphere of the song was a mixture of gentle and aggressive. It was a really intriguing way for them to conclude the album and to him, it worked well.

The song faded and it was then just Josh sitting there in silence. He wasn't sure what to do, only getting up to eject the CD and turn off the DVD player. He picked up the case and put the disc back in while a lot of thoughts entered his mind again. The overall theme of the whole album was about growing up and moving on. He realized that they were okay after all, but deep down he knew things weren't all good.

There was still one thing that needed to be done.


Josh was driving around again, only because he felt like he needed some fresh air. It felt like he had been driving for a while, just mindlessly going place to place to clear his head. Jenna called him earlier and told him that she was going to be home soon and he knew he should be getting home himself so she didn't have to worry.

And yet he was still driving. Halfway through, he wasn't even just driving around anymore. He actually had a destination and despite the sun starting to set, he wasn't going to stop until he got where he wanted to be.

After a few more minutes, he pulled his car to a stop. He was in a neighborhood and his car was parked at the curb. Josh turned to his left and looked at the house that was across the street. It was a familiar house, a house that he used to always go to and where he spent most of his days there. Looking at the home, he noticed that it still looked the same and he was filled with nostalgia. Wait, why was he even here?

It was her house.

She used to live here, but not anymore. This was still her mother's residence and by the looks of it, nobody seemed to be home at the moment. Josh couldn't believe he had driven to this place, but something in his subconscious told him to drive there. Maybe because the album brought old memories and he was still thinking about those old memories. Of course, it could also be because he secretly wished she still lived there.

For months, he had thought of talking to her. He had thought of talking to any of them because he also wasn't angry anymore. But still, they haven't made contact with him and he was close to just letting it go and taking responsibility for what he had done. Except it wasn't so easy to let things go like that. But if they weren't so mad, couldn't they at least say something?

He then saw headlights from down the street and the car that the lights belonged to parked in the driveway of her home. Someone stepped out of the driver's seat and he recognized the person as her mother. Two girls came out from the back seats, happily chatting with each other and bouncing with excitement. Her younger sisters. The family had arrived home.

But there was someone else with them. They came out the passenger's seat and once they walked out, the girls went by their side and put their arms around the figure. Even though it had gotten darker, Josh could still make out their faces. When he got a good view of the person's face, his eyes went wide and he gripped the steering wheel. He found it difficult to breathe again and he shook his head to make sure he was really seeing things right.

This person had bright colored hair. One half of her locks were bright orange while the other half was pink. She wasn't much taller than the two siblings, her height maybe around five feet and she had a big smile on her face. An all too familiar face and a smile that he could never forget.

It was Hayley Williams. She was currently in town to visit her mother and sisters.

And there was Josh, right across the street from her.