You'll Never Really Find Those Perfect Words

You know what it is to be in a big dark hole without the chance of getting out? Because I surely do. I'm Noah. I am 16 years old, 5'11 and basically I'm the weird guy that everybody hates. I have red hair, green eyes, but my face and my body are both horrible. And don't say "oh but everyone is perfect" because that's bullshit.
And if everyone says to me how ugly and worthless I am I have to believe them, because that much people couldn't be all wrong together. I am a worthless, pathetic fag, an excuse of a man.
That's why my mom ran away when I was little.
That's why my dad is a compulsive aggressive drunk.
And that's why everyone at school hates me.
That's also the reason why it's 3 in the morning and I am sitting alone in my bedroom, talking to myself and crying like an idiot.
That's the reason the blades seem to call my name when everyone else doesn't.
Why should I fight it?
It isn’t worth fight anymore.
Nobody cares, nobody notices, so why would I care?

I hate myself more than they ever could.

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I woke up to the sound of glass being broken. Great, dad is awake.

I slowly open my eyes to see my bed sheets soaked in blood. I don't get how I could lose all that blood every night and still be alive. I search for my phone to see what time is it.
9:30 in the morning. I over slept.
After cursing to myself for a little and having a little fight with myself about if I should get up or not, I slowly made my way to the bathroom. I turn the shower on and step in, not caring if all the fresh cuts would hurt. I couldn't bring myself to care anymore.
After that shower I put some clothes, grab a backpack and jump of the window. I’m glad I live in the first floor, this way I don’t have to deal with my dad.

I slowly made my way to my new school.
The other school suggested for me to find a new one after me missing all those classes because I wouldn't get up of my bed in the morning. I never had seen my dad so mad; I thought he would kill me that night. But I was too scared to go to school and find my bullies (which were basically the whole school) so, since my dad don’t really care what I do during day time, I would sleep all day.

In a way, I wished my dad had killed me that night, it would be a huge favor to me and to the world, but no, he couldn’t kill the only source of money in that house.

And so here I am now, going to a new school where I am going to be the weird, gay new kid. And I am going to be late in my first day.
Way to go, Noah!

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I got to school pretty quickly and made my way to the front to get my schedule and everything. I found out they are having a visit of the president of the Parents Association (or something like that) so I made my way to the auditorium because everyone else was there.

In the second I step in there I get a few confused and curious looks from the people that were closer to the front door. They quickly looked way to the person that was speaking but I could clear see that with this I began my journey of being the new kid. And it will suck.

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The speaker is talking and talking about how important school is, and how important it is for parents to be involved in school activities and I am so bored right now.
And I am having that strange feeling that someone is looking at me.
I let my eyes search the room and I notice that I was right. Someone is looking at me. But it isn’t really someone; it is almost every single person in this room.
Shit I am here for less than half an hour and I am already bored to death and being judge.
They are probably thinking about how weird I look. It will not take long before people start to hating me and make fun of me.
I look down and hoped I don’t look freaked out. Because I am. Very much. Because I switch schools because of bullying and I came to other school where probably I am going to be bullied again. My life is so shit!

I look up again and my eyes met a sex god. Seriously, the most perfect human being that I ever saw in my whole life. He is hot! He is about 6’4, muscled, blonde hair and I’m not joking, a face of a god. He is just standing there, looking careless about everything and still the hottest guy in the room. Why can’t I be like that? He is perfect.
I which I could look like that, or at least have a guy like that. But he is one of the people staring.
He probably hates me already.