Sweet Like Sugar

Instead of going to my room I head to the restroom first, closing the door and kneeling over the toilet. I feel sick but nothing actually comes out.

So many things had gone on today I had no idea how to handle it. Who do I tell? What do I do with this? How do we act around each other now? Was he angry? Did he think I was angry? Was I angry?
I place a hand over my chest and focus on my breathing and trying not to cry.

A few minutes later I hear a knock from the door and fear that it’s my one of my parents. Instead Zoe’s voice calls out. “Hey…are you okay in there?”

“Yeah. I’ll be out soon.” I say wiping my face dry again and stand back up.

Zoe’s still standing outside the door when I finally opened it, with her arms folded. When I try to walk past her she stops me. “So….how long have you liked him?” She wiggles her eyebrows.

“Shut up!” I snap and pull my shoulder away from her. I’d had enough of her for one day. “You don’t
know what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever you say, Shuggy. But it’s written all over your face. You’re crushing on that boy….hard.” she shakes her head

“No I’m not.” I say a little less sure about how well I was covering it up.

“Let me guess…you feel…sick. Kind of excited and also extremely nervous. Like you’d explode at any given moment.”

She’d really hit the nail on the head. I stop.

“I knew it! Sounds like you’re falling in love to me baby bro.”

“I don’t know how….I don’t know what to do.”

I think she surprised that I actually kept speaking to her. She straightens up and softens her voice.

“You don’t have to do anything. Just don’t pull away from it. It’s scary...I know but….you just got to let it happen.”

---

I take Zoe’s advice and I don’t do anything for the entire week that we’re grounded. I am especially thankful for having a solid reason to not have to see Finn actually. Every time I thought about it, I felt like my head would explode. It just didn’t get any easier.

Luckily talking to Zoe was actually helping. We didn’t talk much about Finn but we did speak about just everything else. Her knowing I was gay made things a lot easier even though it didn’t come up once in our conversations. We mostly spent out week on the couch watching marathons of Law and Order, sharing the same blanket.

“…These are their stories. Dun! Dun!” We simultaneously sang along to the theme every show.

Without Luke….it was much easier to speak to her.

“Do you love him?” I spoke out during the climax of one of her favorite episode?”

“What?” She asked not looking away from the screen.

“Do you love Luke? Like…are you in love with him?”

She made a noise that suggested she didn’t know. “Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

“I mean…I like him a lot. He’s fun to be around. He gets on my nerves sometimes too though. But I still really like him.

“He called me a faggot.” I scoffed.

“No he didn’t and…don’t bring him up if all you want to do is talk shit.”

“I’m not talking shit…it’s the truth. I don’t see why you like him.”

“I told you…he’s fun to be around. And he’s good to me. When he’s not in one of his moods he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever dated.”

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes and stole a little more of the blanket away from her.

“OK. You date someone perfect and then criticize my boyfriends.”

“I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone anytime soon.” I sunk down further into the couch.

“Not with that attitude you won’t.”

The week goes by too fast. On Friday I go to work with my dad because he’s short staff since a lot of people had gone on vacation for the break.

I spend the day re-shelving books that had been returned by mostly older ladies. Things like cooking books and romantic dramas. I was thankful that most kids my age stayed clear of the library. There was no need to be on my toes about anything.

Peeps dropped by during the hour I got for a lunch break and we ate peanut butter sandwiches together in the non-fiction section while she updated me on all of the drama that I’d missed out during the week. A few stories about people hooking up and the normal Timbercreek scandals but nothing about who I really wanted to hear about.

“And Finn?”

“Finn? What about him?”

“I mean…how is he?”

“Fine I guess. Now that I think about it. He has been acting pretty weird lately.” She leans back on her palms.

“Weird?”

“Yeah. He always gets a little weird around this time of year. It’s getting pretty close to his Dad’s birthday. And his the anniversary of his mon’s death.”

“Oh…” I feel a sharp pain go through me. “I didn’t know that.”

“How could you. He never speaks about it at all. Not even to me.”

“But he’s okay right?”

She shrugs. “Hell if I know. I told you he doesn’t speak to me.”

“He hasn’t mentioned me at all has he?”

“Nope. Why are you so worried about Finn all of a sudden?”

“I’m not.” I look down at my half eaten sandwich.

“Don’t tell me you have a little crush on him.” She coos.

“Trust me, I don’t." I can feel my face heating up. “We’re friends. I’m allowed to keep tabs on my friends. And besides. I’m drawing for him remember. I was just wondering if he was looking for the picture yet. He didn’t give me a deadline.”

That was a lie. I had actually already finished the drawing two days ago but she didn’t need to know that.

“It’s fine if you are you know. Even I went through a crushing on Finn phase when I was smaller. It’ll pass. I think all the girls in our grade has actually.”

“I’m not a girl.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Did any of them ever…go anywhere?

“Not that I know of. I mean Laura says they kissed before in her basement but she’s a pathological liar. I think Finn’s pretty shy when it comes to girls. They all like him but…he’s never really liked any of them back.”

My mind wonders. He was definitely trying to make a move on me that night. I don’t think he was being shy at all. Maybe there was a chance of this actually being something. Maybe he really did like me. Maybe I just needed to let it happen.