Sweet Like Sugar

There are very seldom moments in my life that I remember as nothing but sheer joy. One being the Christmas I got my first real bicycle and could finally ride around the neighborhood with Zoe and all of the other older kids. Another being in 4th grade when I won our school spelling bee, after staying up until past midnight for two weeks studying. The time I got promoted to head safety patrol, the first time I met Lia, and even our family trip to Disney World. Sure there were other notable moments that I kept locked away safe in the back of my mind, where no evil could ever touch. But there was something special about the other ones. They stand out and are kind of remembered in a hazy glow. And all you can really remember is how much you loved that moment and how much you wanted to feel like that forever, and how sad it was that time was so unapologetic about making us leaving those things behind.

I didn’t know what to remember Finn’s kiss as. I knew that it was important. I knew that it changed me in some way, but walking home and replaying how his lips felt against mine, I didn’t feel so much changed as I felt happy. I didn’t know how else to describe it. I kind of felt sick, but in a good way. And a little exposed, as if everyone could tell that I had been doing the ultimate sin with my crush deep in the woods only a few minutes ago. I felt my heart, which hadn’t slowed down since he first touched me. I felt my blood heating up and then cooling again. I felt my shoes scraping against the concrete with every step I took, but I swear to you, I was floating all the way home.

I kissed a boy. That was big. I kissed Finn. That was huge. That was….confusing.

I felt a cold hand slide gently onto my forehead causing me to snap out of my thoughts and suddenly I was back in my kitchen looking up at my mom.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“What?” My hands were deep inside of the stagnant dish water along with the dirty pots and pans I was supposed to be cleaning.

“You’re kind of warm…and you’ve looked a little flushed since you got home.”

I squirmed away, my face getting redder. “No I’m not. It’s just hot outside.”

“You don’t feel sick? You’ve been sort of spacing out.”

“No I haven’t. I’m washing dishes.”

“You’ve been smiling at dirty dishes and swirling them around in the sink for twenty minutes now.”

“You know, you shouldn’t ask me to do the dishes if you’re going to criticize how I do it.”

“I’m not criticizing you, baby.” She lowers down and kisses my forehead. “I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You know you can tell your old mama anything.”

Seriously did I have GAY written on my forehead in bold letters? How did she do that?

“Can’t I be a troubled teenager in peace?”

“Absolutely not… I worry about you every second I’m alive. You and your sister are my whole heart. I remember I was the first person you came to with your problems.”

“You still are.” I sort of say it like a whisper but I’m sure she hear because she kisses me again on my left temple before picking up a sponge and helping me with the remanding dishes.

We work in silence, the only sounds coming from splashing water and muffle television from the living room. A few hours ago I was swimming and kissing a boy I liked. And now we were back to this. Something had changed. Even if I couldn’t sense it, she could. She was magic, I swear.

“Mom…” I say after the dish count starts to get lower and I worry this moment she created will all be for nothing.

“Hmm?” She doesn’t look up.

“Um…it’s just….I uh. You should know that I..I’m…” I feel my throat start to lock and I cough a bit.

“You what?” She looks up this time and we make eye contact for about half of a second before I chicken out and look away.

“N-Nothing. I just… I do feel a little sick…can I leave now?

“Uh sure. You okay?” She reaches for me again but I shy away.

“Yeah. I just need to lay down.” I storm out of the kitchen and immediately bump into Zoe who apparently had been listening in.

“I think you really got your point across.” She teases.

“Shut up.” I mumble with the usual eye roll before retreating up the stairs back into my room.

Today had been too much. I couldn’t do it. I tried. I wanted too. I really did, I just couldn’t. Besides, I wasn’t even sure yet. I mean just because I kissed a boy didn’t necessarily mean I was gay. I kissed two girls before too. And God, I almost forgot I kissed Finn. I mean JESUS, we kissed. What did that mean? What now? Are we going to kiss again? I wasn’t mentally prepared for this. How do we greet each other? Are we dating? Jesus Christ, do I have a boyfriend?

I placed my hand over my chest and tried to concentrate on my breathing in attempt to calm myself down. I was really good at getting worked up over nothing. I knew my parent wouldn’t stop loving me. I knew that I was in no significant danger but no one seemed to let my body know that. The whole thing just made me anxious and I wanted to get as far away from it as possible.

The next few days seemed to go by in a blur. It was funny how the whole Gay thing had taken over my life in such a small time period. The only times that felt crystal clear was when I was with Finn. Which oddly enough, wasn’t that often. I was still me….and Finn was still Finn who had other friends and was always at Soccer conditioning. Coach had been working them super hard since they lost their scrimmage so they didn’t have much free time. Peeps and I sat under the tree eating popsicles watching them practice almost every day. Sometimes Coach would give them a break and we’d migrate over to the group and hang out while they cooled off. All the boys flocking over Peeps and her whit, and me, stealing glances from Finn whenever I could, biting the inside of my bottom lip to keep from smiling.

The memory of our kiss, though it was a shiny one, was starting to not be enough for me and I didn’t want to seem needy or impatient but you just couldn’t kiss someone and then never mention it again. I knew he was busy and it probably wasn’t as big of a deal to him as it was to me but…I just needed more. I wanted more.

So on the third day of Finn not acknowledging our kiss, I told Peeps I was headed home early and waited outside the boys locker room for Finn. I sat on the railing by the curb and no one questioned me verbally why I was waiting but most of his other teammates just nodded as they walked past me. I was waiting ten minutes before he finally stumbled out with his bag hanging on his left shoulder, hair dripping with what looked like water instead of sweat and showing off his perfect teeth as he laughed along with Ben at some joke.

“I’m serious man…it was insane.”

I hopped down form the railing and they both looked up to see me with no noticeable change in demeanor.

“What’s good, Shug?” Ben said motioning me to handshake and shoulder bump him.

“What’s up.” I say in the coolest voice I can conjure up.

We hear a car horn beep and a hand waving out of a small sedan.

“Oh, that’s my ride. I’ll catch you guys later.” Ben says scurrying on ahead. “Peace, Ferg.”

Finn and I stand on the sidewalk awkwardly after Ben leaves and the only thing I can say is “Ferg?”

“Like Ferguson. I…don’t ask.”
He walks and I follow.

“So I can call you that now?”

“Sure. As long as I can call you Sugar.”

I want to say something like “You can call me whatever you want as long as we can make out again” but I’m not that smooth.

“So...” I cast out hoping that he’ll take the bait.

“So. What’s up?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I just wanted to hang out I guess.”

“You miss me already?”

“Is that a bad thing?”

He laughs. And I swear I see a tad bit of pink appear in his ears.

“I just wanted to make sure things were still good between us.”

“Yeah. I’ve uh…I’ve actually been think a lot about our…you know.” He checks around even though we’re alone on the street.

“What about it?” I suddenly start to feel insecure.

“Nothing bad just…maybe I shouldn’t have, you know?”
I don’t know but I stay silent. Maybe I was going about this thing all wrong.

“Oh…okay.” I rub the back of my neck trying to stay calm.

“Don’t get me wrong Albie. I like you and all I just…this whole thing…I’m very embarrassed. I’m embarrassed by how I acted.

You know, sometimes I get these ideas and you’re not actually supposed to act on them. And usually I won’t but that time I did and I…I’ve never done anything like that before and I’ve never…I have no idea how to….I mean...I’m just…” He eventually gives up in trying to explain himself with a sigh.

Oddly enough I completely understand everything through his jumbled thoughts.

“I don’t really know how these things work. I’ve never kissed a boy before.” I say with a shug. “I’ve never kissed anyone before a few weeks ago, honestly. I’m sorry if I’m being too…much...I just don’t know what else to do.”

“Albie, I’ve never kissed anyone before.” He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

“You’re lying.” I turn to him with wide eyes.

“I’m not. And don’t look at me like that.” He nudges me with his elbow. “Under this cool exterior is a very shy boy.”

“Shut the hell up. You’re full of it.” I nudge back. “Besides I heard you hooked up with Laura in her basement.”

“What do you mean by “hooked up”?” He does air quotations.

“It’s just what I heard.”

“I wonder who told you that?” He rolls his eyes and I’m sure he
already knows. “Did you tell her about us?”

“What? No. I don’t…I wouldn’t even know what to tell her.”

“Good. If Peeps found out, it definitely would be a secret anymore.”

Secret. Okay.

“Right…”

The light was slowly starting to fade from the day. The setting sun filled the street with an orangey overcast and the last little bit of sunlight peeked through the trees just barely touching our faces as we walked. Low hums from the city and songful birds filled the silence for us. Moments like this felt good. Being with Finn felt good. But these moments had to be secret. They had to be just ours. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. I want to hold is hand but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to yet.

“I really like you, Albie.” He say after a moment.

I nod. “Me too.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I nod again. “Me either.”

We lock eyes again and I have to fight the urge to look away. Looking at him made me feel lost. But I was oddly okay with it. I could get lost him. If it’s like this, I don’t mind.

He grabs my hand and leads me off the road and behind a huge bush in a small alley behind Buckley’s and kisses me.