Sweet Like Sugar

I manage to avoid questions from my mom about what was in my shirt until I get home by faking more breathing episodes.

Nothing severe of course. I didn’t want to send her over the edge and end up in the emergency room. I’d just say something like “Mom, my chest hurts too much to talk right now” and it’d shut her up for a good five minutes until she forgot and started questioning me again.

When I finally get home I run into my room and lock my door before I can get stopped by anyone and bombarded with more questions.

I pull the magazine out from under my shirt when the coast is clear, throw it on my bed, and wait.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was waiting for exactly. I just kind of expected something to happen. Like the magazine would start doing some back flips or I’d open it up and there would be big bold letters that read ‘YEP YOU’RE DEFINITELY GAY. TOUGH LUCK’ or ‘NAH MAN. YOU’RE STRAIGHT AS HELL. NO WORRIES'.

Maybe I was waiting for someone to walk in and shame me for doing what I’d done. I deserved to be punished. I wasn’t used to this guilty feeling that was dawning on me. I definitely wasn’t cut out for a thug life. I would never be able to look Mr. or Mrs. Buckley in the eyes again.

After a few minutes of pacing around my room, I declare the magazine safe to approach. I pick it up and fall back onto my bed taking a good look at the cover.

There is a picture of a muscular man doing a strong pose similar to a Greek god in nothing but all white boxer briefs.

Noting special there. I mean yeah I could admit that he was a very attractive guy but he was a male model. It was his job to sexy. Denying his sexiness would be a waste of his profession and potential and I, as a human being, homosexual or not, wasn't about to do that.

It wasn’t like I wanted to have sex with him. How would we even have sex?

I make a mental note to look that up.

I flip through a few pages come to two realizations. 1) This was not porn but in fact a men's underwear catalog and 2) I was an idiot.

I leer through a few more pages and even though it’s not supposed to be gay it kind of is. There were pictures of men in nothing but their underwear doing the same standard pose. Some pictures didn’t even bother to show their faces and went into close ups of their crotch area which, not gonna lie, made me a bit uncomfortable. Their bulges were just unrealistically huge.

I spend a good while scavenging through the magazine but I don’t think I was getting turned on. I was more interested in critiquing the underwear. Who knew there were so many different types of undergarments for men? And they came in such a variety of styles and prints. I was almost tempted to buy a few for myself but the magazine was published in 2004.

When I got to the jock strap section, things got a little weird. I actually yelped out loud because I was not expecting to see a guy’s bear butt. How could people wear that and not feel gay. It was like a boy thong. Then I started to wonder if Finn ever wore a jockstrap when he played soccer. It felt so naughty. I was definitely blushing and I couldn’t look through it anymore so I just threw the magazine down.

I didn’t understand why it was so hard to just be sure of myself. How could anyone ever be sure of anything about themselves? Especially at this age. I was constantly changing at a rapid speed. Nothing was set in stone.

But I couldn’t get one thought out of my head. And that was Finn.

I couldn’t shake the feeling he gave me and I liked it. I really really liked it but I didn’t know if that meant I liked him. I started to smile just thinking about it. Maybe. It was weird.

And God, he was going to call me tonight. I covered my face with my hands and fell back on my bed. I don’t know why I felt the need to cover up my rosy tint when I was alone. I was embarrassed of myself. When did I become such a girl? And what did he need to talk to me about?! It was going to dive me insane!

I spend the rest afternoon wasting time and watching dumb reruns of cartoon series on TV while trying to sketch what I saw. I even made a small comic of the characters. I loved drawing though it was just something I did when I was bored but since the high school had a fairly decent arts program, I was going to be able to finally take classes on it when school started back.

Later, my dad has me help him make a Pancit dish for dinner. It was the only thing that he knew how to make so once or twice a month we would eat the same Filipino noodles we always ate when he cooked. It was a way to stay in touch with his and our Filipino roots or at least that’s what he’d tell us. Zoe always called him on on that though. According to her, he was the one who never spoke to our Lola and Lolo (grandparents) anymore and married a white girl.

It was a chore but I liked my dad and I didn’t mind hanging out with him for a few hours each month. It wasn’t like we could go out and do normal father son things like throw a football around. I had given up on sports a long time ago. We were a like in a lot of ways actually. We were both pretty lazy and dare I say…nerdy. He was even the head librarian at the local public library. He did spend some time in the military right after he graduated high school but for the most part Zoe and my mom were the tough and competitive ones.

“Did anyone call for me?” I ask on a whim while thinly slicing some carrots.

I had been trying my best to keep my ear out for the phone but I just wanted to make sure. Finn said he would call "tonight" but I wasn’t sure how late or early that meant. I wanted to speak with him already.

“Not that I know of.” He raises an eyebrow at me. “Is there anyone in particular you’re waiting on? A girl maybe?”

I scoff and turn my head before I can start reddening.

“Not exactly.” I keep my head down and focus on cutting the carrots. Not too thick not too thin.

He pours a pack of noodles into boiling water on the stove and then walk back over to me and places his arm around my shoulder.

“Aww c’mon, Son. You can tell me anything, you know.” He gives me a little shake before I wiggle out of his grasp.

“Dad, don’t get weird. I was just asking about a phone call.”

“We don’t talk enough, Albie.” He jabs me in my arm with his elbow before walking back over to the stove. “This is our father son bonding time. Let’s bond.”

“Ugh dad, please.” I beg.

“So what’s going on between you and that pretty brunette girl? What’s her name again? Peebs? You should invite her over for dinner sometime.”

“There is nothing going on between Peeps and I.”

“Okay. Well then what about Talia?” He presses leaning toward me again.

“Talia is my best friend. You know that. And we are not having this conversation.”

He does a belly laugh that makes his shoulders move up and down. “You know, your mother and I were best friends once. Then one day I found the courage to tell her how I felt and…well…let’s just say we had a pretty special night.“

I cringe. “Gross.”

“Not gross. We just had sex.”

“DAD!” I drop my knife on the counter.

"What?" He ask innocently with a snicker before going to check on pot over the stove. "Sex is a normal part of life, Albie. How do you think you and your sister got here?"

I pull at my face and groan. “Can we please not talk about you and mom having sex?”

“Who’s having sex?” My mom enters the kitchen and walk over to my dad and gives him a peck on the cheek.

“No one. I was just telling our son here about the night I confessed my feelings to you.” He says wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her into him.

“Aww. That was a good night.” She giggles and kisses him again but on the lips.

And then they start making out.

“I am going to throw up everywhere. Can’t you act like a normal married couple and hate each other?”

They pull apart laughing.

“I can’t help that I love your mother so much.” My dad confesses. I wasn't sure but it almost looked like he was blushing behind his dark trimmed beard and tanned skin. They were almost worse than Zoe and Luke when they weren't fighting.

“I’m too disgusted to stay in this kitchen.” I say heading out.

I guess I should be happy that my parents were still in love after such a long time. Not a lot of my friends could say that. Though it made me sick to my stomach to watch them make out like teenagers, they were my heroes.

“Oh right Sugar, I almost forgot. You have a phone call.” My mom yells out and before she can even finish the sentence I’m already running down the hall to the phone.

I stop before I reach it and take a deep breath. Be cool, Albie. Be cool. There was nothing to be nervous about. Just two normal guy friends talking to each other. Nothing to worry about. Besides, we were bro’s now.

I pick it up the phone. “Hey..Sup?”

“Sugar!”

The sound of Talia’s voice shocks me.

“Oh Lia. It’s just you.” I try not to sound disappointed because holy shit, this was my first time hearing from her in weeks but then again, she wasn't Finn.

“As opposed to whom?”

I giggle. “Uh no one. I was just...expecting someone else. It’s nothing. How are you? How’s camp? Any love interests? Any mean bitchy girls? Some juicy drama, maybe? Please tell me everything. God, I just miss you so much. I want to talk to you forever.” I take the cordless phone into my room and shut the door behind me.

“I wish I could talk forever but I only get ten minutes on the phone. The counselors here are super anal about calling anyone besides our parents. I wrote you a letter, though. You should get it soon. I’m great but camp kind of sucks. None one here is near my level of expertise and they’re all mean bitchy mean girls. Even the boys. I never thought I’d say it but I actually kind of miss Timbercreek.”

“Wow. That bad?.”

“Yeah.” She sighs. “But I’m an actress, Shug. I just pretend to be a bigger bitch than any of them and they all leave me alone. My cabin mate is kind of okay though. But enough about me. What’s up with you? Who’s my replacement?”

No one could ever replace her but I do find myself telling her about how much I'd been hanging out with Peeps lately.

She groans. “Really, Shug? Peeps? She's the living incarnation of Satan. Nothing good can come from hanging out with her.”

Lia and Peeps had a bit of a falling out in sixth grade over a group science project and they've pretty much hated each other since. That would explain why Peeps never said a word to me in school and now that Lia was away, she was being super friendly.

“What? She’s nice and I like her.” I admit.

“Ew. You guys aren't going out now right?.”

“God, no. She's not really my type.”

"I wasn't aware that you had a type."

Strangely enough, neither was I.

"I don't. I don't know...it's not Peeps that's for sure."

I had to tell her. Lia knew me better than anyone, especially Peeps. Why was I stressing about something someone who barely even knew me assumed? If anyone’s opinion of me matter it was definitely hers.

“Well that's good, I guess. The last thing I need is you becoming one of those mindless boys who follow her around like a lost puppy.” She sounded relived.

“Hey Lia?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t...uh...you don't think I’m gay, do you?” I almost whisper it and at first I think she doesn't hear me because she takes a while to respond.

“Do you think you’re gay?”

I exhale. “I don’t know. Everything is just really confusing right now.”

“Well, I don't know either. I'm not gonna lie and say it's never crossed my mind but...I guess it's something you have to figure out for yourself.” She pauses again. For dramatic effect she calls it and I want to reach through the phone and wrap my arms around her.

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Do you like someone or something?"

I bite my lip and my hesitation answers my question for me.

"Sugar..." She presses and I can almost see her face light up at the other end of the phone.

“You do, don’t you?! Who is he? Is it a he? I mean...it doesn't really matter.” I can hear the excitement in her voice and of course I want to tell her but I just can’t build up the courage to actually say his name. If I did then that would just basically just be admitting I was gay and I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for some huge label that basically made me a target for bullying and judging.

I didn’t want to be gay. I knew there was nothing wrong with it, I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want to go through any of that. I’d seen the entire first season of Glee. I was pretty educated on what would happen if I was to decided to be gay.

No one would see me as Albie anymore. Well…to be fair, no one saw me as Albie now but it would be much worse. No one would even see me as Sugar anymore. I was just going to be “that one gay kid”. When people spoke of me, they wouldn't even bother saying my name because everyone would know who the gay kid was.

Was it so wrong to just want to blend in with the crowd? I didn’t care about being unique or different. I just wanted to be Albie…and if not that at least Sugar.

“Fine don’t tell me but you should know that I don’t really care if you’re gay or not. It doesn't change a thing. You’re still my favorite person.”

“And you’re mine.”

“Ugh. I’m so mad that you’re falling in love and I’m not there to see it. This is crap.”

“I am not falling in love.” I try to reason but she’s already talking to some in the background.

“Sorry Shug, I have to go. I call you again as soon as I can and write me back when you get my letter and tell me all about your crush. Bye.”

And before I can say it back the line’s already dead.

I was not falling in love. But I possibly did have a tiny little microscopic crush.