Sweet Like Sugar

“Okay. On a scale of one to Kurt from Glee, how gay do you feel right now?”

Peeps had her hair pulled up into a pony tail for the first time this summer. She wasn’t even wearing makeup and that’s how I realized that we had gotten unusually closer over the past few days. I mean I was sitting on bed in the middle of her purple infested room. This was something some boys would only dream about. I was pretty sure her dad was under the impression that I was gay though, otherwise I doubt a huge man like him would have even let me step foot in here. She was the only girl in her family. With an 18 year old older brother and two younger brothers who were 11 and 8 and it was no secret that she was spoiled rotten because of it.

I was actually surprised at how well we had been getting along. We didn't have a lot in common besides the whole nickname thing. In fact, she was the one who pushed for people to call her Peeps instead of Penelope after her odd childhood obsession with the marshmallow candies. She said her real name made her sound 80, though I sort of liked it.

And I liked hanging out with her. Sure she was a little arrogant and irritating at times but she was also easy to talk to and not a lot of people were exactly standing in line to be my replacement friend for the summer. She wasn’t anywhere near Talia’s level on the best friend-o-meter but she was the next best thing.

“What does that even mean? I feel normal.”

She shakes her head climbs back onto her bed to rest next to me. “Being gay is normal. It’s just a different kind.”

I want to mumble something like “Easy for you to say” but I didn’t really feel like having this argument with her. She wasn’t the type to give up on trying to force an opinion into someone’s head. Especially if she felt strongly about, which I guess she did about gay people.

I had basically spent the day with her explaining to me the ins and outs of how two guys can have sex, which sounded awful by the way, and we watched gay themed dramas she had stolen from her brother’s room. It was another one of her mastermind plans to ‘test’ my sexuality and now we were reflecting on it.

We had watched two movies, both centered on young homosexual boys falling in love. They both were pretty good movies but only one of them had a sort of happy ending and by sort of happy I meant that one of them didn’t die.

I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be gay if all it ended in was your secret lover dying. How was that romantic at all anyway? If I ever fell in love with someone I sure as hell wouldn't want them to die, not matter how deep and artistic it made the movie.

“I don’t think they helped.” I lay back on her bed using my arms as a pillow.

She sighs and rolls over onto her back mimicking me. “You not really making an effort here either, Sugar.”

“Sure I am.” I defend. “I watched the movies. What else do you want me to do?”

“And did they make you feel gay?”

“They made me feel like I don’t want to be gay. None of those movies had happy endings.”

“Hmm…” She rolls over again onto her stomach and props herself up onto her elbows. She’s surprisingly close to me and I’m stunned by how nervous it’s making me. Her elbow arm is touching my ribs but she doesn’t seem to mind and just rubs her chin thinking of something.

I’m not sure what comes over me. Maybe it’s because we’re sitting on her bed with the door closed and she’s touching my rib cage with the side of her arm and it’s what boys my age were expected to do.

“Maybe we should make out.”

I half expect her to burst out in a fit of laughter like she did when I told her about my underwear catalog shenanigan and the other half of me is expecting her get angry and slap me or something.

But she remarkably does neither and just tilts her head to the side and asks. “Do you want to?”

“Uh.” I start to sweat. Did I want to? I did just ask her so I guess I did a little, but I never expected her to actually agree to it. “Sure?” It came out as more of a question than an answer.

“Okay.” She perks up and sits on her knees. “Let’s do it.”

I was starting to think that I had done something really bad. “On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Oh c’mon, Shug. It’s just kissing.”

Yeah whatever. That was like saying it was just swapping spit with another person. I still didn’t understand why kissing was even a thing. Who even decided that this was the way humans should show affection? It was just weird. Why couldn’t we just hug and rubs necks like animals did? Why did the exchange of bodily fluids sound idealistic in any way?

Besides my immediate hesitation, I sit up anyway and she places both of her hands on my shoulders.

“Things aren’t going to get weird between us after this, are they?”

I shake my head.

“Promise me?”

“I promise.”

“Good.” She closes her eyes and clutches down on my shoulders a little bit harder and starts to lean in.

I close my eyes too but then wonder how we were supposed to see where we were going if both of us had our eyes closed, so I open them back up and I watch as her tilted face comes closer and closer to mine until our lips finally touch.

It was…weird. It was like we going through all of the motions of something that was supposed to feel nice but instead I felt…nothing. I felt her slimy lips and I felt her tongue start to slip into my mouth and I felt…I felt like I was going to vomit if I kept thinking about how it felt.

I push her away gently. “I can’t do this.”

“Did I do something wrong?” She folds her arms across her chest and sits back up.

“No. It’s me. I….It’s just weird.”

“Because you’re gay.”

“I’m not!” I snap. She gives me this worried look and I sigh looking down at my hands. “I—I don’t want to be.”

She nods like she understands. "Maybe you can be bi? I can try to turn you. That way you’re not all the way gay, right?” She places her hands on my shoulders once more. “I’m going to kiss you again but his time I want you to think of someone, anyone, that you find extremely attractive. Boy or girl. Pretend like you’re kissing them and not me.”

“I don’t know.” I say pretty hesitantly. The entire thing just felt sketchy.

“Just ten seconds. C’mon.” She starts leaning in before I can even agree to it and I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

She presses her lips against mine and it not as bad as it was the first time. Maybe because I know what to expect. But it still just doesn't feel right.

I do as she says and Finn’s face pops into my head. It freaks me out and I go to retreat from the kiss but she pulls me back in. Suddenly instead of Peeps’ hands on my shoulders, they’re Finn’s and it’s also Finn’s lips on mine and I’m kissing him back. And it actually feels…sort of….nice.

When our ten seconds are up she pulls away and looks completely astonished. “Whoa. That was actually pretty good. Who were you thinking about?”

I blush and turn away. No way in hell I was going to tell her about my crush on Finn. No way was I going to tell anyone. It was going to stop. I wasn’t going to be gay or bi or whatever anymore.

“I should leave.” I hop off of her bed and grab my shoes from the floor.

“Sugar.” She pleads and tries to grab for my hand but I pull away.

“Talk to you later?”

She rolls her eyes and sighs, falling back onto her fluffy bed. “Remember, you said you wouldn’t get weird on me.”

After I have my shoes on she sits up again.

“This isn’t me getting weird. I just need to go home. I have a lot on my mind.” I assure her.

“Well…we’re still hanging out tomorrow aren’t we?

I stand and shrug.

"There's a party for the soccer team that I was invited to. You can come too. It'll be fun. I promise." She adds sitting back up. “And if you don't want to, I still have a lot more movies we can watch.”

A part of me wants to just ask where all of her other friends are but I'm afraid it might hit a nerve. We had never really discussed it, but I hadn't seen any of her other friends around all summer and I was starting to think maybe I was just her backup friends as well. Everyone knew that I wasn't the type that got invited to parties.

“Sure.” I agree before walking out of her room and closing the door behind me.

I leave her house quite agitated. It just kind of sucked, being told what you are. I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted this to happen. I was sick of people and websites telling me that I had no control over my entire life. Of course I had control over it.

I rode my bike so I didn’t have to worry about having to walk all the way home, but Peeps' house was right across from the high school and something catches my eye from the field before I can even turn off of her street.

And of course it’s Finn. God, was he ever not playing soccer, or training for soccer or getting ready to go train for soccer? He was such a jock and we were nothing alike so I had no idea why I was so fascinated with him. Ugh. It had to stop. I wanted to just ignore him and keep going but I couldn’t resist going that way. I hadn’t seen him since yesterday and he was supposed to be giving me a picture of his mom so I could work on his project. At least this way he wouldn’t have to show up at my house unannounced anymore. I didn’t know if I could handle much more of him being in my room.

I pedal across the street and lay my bike up against a tree before sitting and watching him and a few more boys kick the ball around. They stop for a moment while a really tall blonde kid holds the ball and talks to them. Finn is hunched over and leaning on his knees looking down. He’s so sweaty. It looks like someone just poured a bucket of water over his head and he’s drenched and it’s so gross but also…kind of hot and I couldn’t understand how that was.

They break and start playing again and a dark skinned boy shoots the ball into one of the goals but blonde boy who is playing goalie blocks his shot and sends the ball rolling toward me. I stand and block it from going any further but before I can kick it back Finn is already running over to me. I start to get that good kind of distressed feeling I got every time we met like this.

“Wanna play?”

I laugh nervously. “Nah. Trust me, you don’t want me on your team.” I kick the ball to him and he stops it with his foot and picks it up.

“Sure we do.” He walks over to me and throws his arm around my neck and starts pulling me onto the field. “Come on.”

My breath catches in my throat as he drags me closer to the group of boys.

“S-Seriously Finn.” I whisper before they can hear me. “I don’t even know how to play.”

“It’s fine. We’re getting killed anyway. If we lose it’d hardly be your fault.”

I try to relax as we come into a close enough range to the group of boys and they look a very unwelcoming and tired but Finn’s arm is still around me so I don’t mind that much.

“Hey guys. This is Albie. He’s going to be our new forward.”

The group barely responds but some seem to give Finn a questioning look.

“Isn’t he the kid who got his face busted open by you last week?” A short buff guy with shaggy blonde calls out.

“Oh yeah.” Another boy in the back who I recognize from giving me dirty looks from when I with Peeps speaks up as well. “He’s that Sugar kid. He was also all over my girl, too. I don’t know about this, Ferguson. Can he even play?”

“That’s fine. I really didn’t want to pl-“

Finn tightens his grip around my neck making me shut up and I'm actually dying. I can hear my heart beat through my ears. “Shut up, Mark, Peeps will never be your girl because you disgust her.” A few of the boys snicker. “And if I say he’s our new forward, then he’s our new forward. Any questions? Didn’t think so. Get into position.”

Some of the boys groan and roll their eyes but they all follow Finn’s instructions and jog off to their assigned areas on the field. He turns to me with his hand still of my shoulder.

“Look Albie, forward position is super easy but very important. I’m mid-field and so is Mark and Rowland.” He pauses for a moment to points them out to me. “We’re going to be doing all of the work. Our opponents…” He points to the other side of the field to the group of boys still huddled up. “…their goalie sucks ass and the only reason we can’t score is because our old forward, Row, is one of our best mid-field players. Now that we have you, we should win this no problem. We’re going to set everything up for you, all we need you to do is score the shot, got it?”

I anxiously shake my head. “No. I have no idea what you just said.”

He laughs a little and pats my shoulder. “Just listen out. Rowland is going to pass you the ball. When you get it, just try to kick it into the goal. Simple. Get the ball. Make the shot.”

I nod still a little confused and he turns and runs into his position.

I take a deep breath and also jog into a place that looked good. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

“Get the ball. Make the shot. Get the ball. Make the shot.” I repeat to myself.

The game starts and everyone seems to know what they’re doing and where to go. I’m so confused I just start running down field toward the other team’s goalie. I figure if I’m going to make a shot, I rather be closer. Once I reach my destination I kind of just hang out and watch. I can’t even remember the last time I had been asked to play a sport with a group of boys. It was a little flattering but more so extremely terrifying. I didn’t want to be the reason we lost.

Finn gets the ball and he dribbles it a little down the field before passing it to Mark who is closer to me.

“Get ready, Sugar kid.” I look up to see Rowland, a tall tanned boy with a curly afro yelling at me.

I’m not quite sure how to get ready so I just start bouncing on my toes like I see other players doing.

Mark passes the ball to Rowland with no problem and he comes racing down the field without anyone touching him. He’s doing so good and getting so close, I think he’s about to go in for the shot and I relax. This turns out to be a bad idea because instead of kicking the ball into the goal he passes it to me and before I can get my foot out to stop the ball is already flying right past me and out of bounds.

I feel the weight of failure starting to dawn on me. I knew I shouldn’t have joined in.

“What the hell was that?! I just told you to get ready!” Rowland storms toward me yelling and pushes my shoulder back making me almost lose my balance. “That was a perfect play and you completely ruined it.”

“Chill out, Row.” Finn and the other boys start gathering around me and a lot of them are giving me the same deadly glares.

“Sorry.” I whisper mostly to Finn who is standing next to me now.

“You should be!” Rowland yells at me again and I just look down.

“It’s fine, Albie.” Finn shakes my shoulder making me look back up at him. “Rowland here is just a huge asshole. Don’t mind him.” He turns his attention to the rest of the group. “That was actually pretty good up until the end. Let’s just do the same thing, okay?”

The group starts to scatter again and Finn stays behind like the last time. “Don’t let him get to you. Just pay attention this time.”

I nod before he runs away but stomach is already knotting up. I didn’t want to play this stupid game. The only reason I even agreed to it was because Finn was sort of hugging me. I sigh and get back into my position.

The same thing starts to play out but this time I’m already looking at Rowland before he can yell at me and he just gives me are assuring nod. As soon as he gets the ball a boy from the other team hops in front of me. I didn’t need this. I had already screwed one play up and I wasn’t about to let this guy make me screw it up again. I give him a little shove but I guess it’s harder than I intend because he falls to the ground, just in time for me to stop Rowland's pass and kick the ball into the net.

“Holy shit.” I mumble under my breath actually surprised that it went in. I look down to apologize to the boy I pushed down but he’s already up and jogging back over to his teammates.

I can hear cheering behind me and someone jumps on my back. All of a sudden I’m surrounded by the group of guys patting me and giving me celebratory head rubs and I’m overwhelmed at how good it feels to be a part of a team celebration and to be accepted as ‘one of the guys’ for the first time ever. I kind of just want to find Finn and hug him because he made this happen but instead he finds me and he’s walking toward proud smirk. He holds his hand out for me to grab and when I do he pulls me into him and we bump shoulders while giving each other little pats on the back. It wasn’t the exact hug I was hoping for but it was close enough. “That was awes—.”

Before he can finish his sentence someone pulls at my shoulder making my knee give out and I try to stay upright by holding onto Finn but instead I just end up pulling him down with me. He falls right on top of me and I wince because my head hits the ground. As soon as I open my eyes though, his face is literally inches away from mine and I inhale sharply making sure not to move or breathe.

This was it. This was the part in the movie where he runs his thumb across my cheek before leaning down to kiss me. And it would be a real kiss, not the fake one like I had just shared with Peeps. It would be one like in the movies and the dramatic music would be playing in the background as the camera pans out and the crowd cheers just before the credits stat to roll.

“You okay?” He asks still not getting up off of me. I can feel his breath on my cheek and the vibration of his diaphragm against my stomach. Please I silently beg to my hormones …not now.

I try to produce words but I’m in a state of shock and nothing is coming out so I just nod slowly and his lips curve into a smile. Could it be that I was just imagining this? There was something here. The way he’s looking at me…God, why wasn’t he getting off of me?

“Are you two going to bang down there or are we going to play some more?”

The voice snaps both of our attention and he hops up off me brushing off this shorts and knees and then leans down to give me a hand up.

I didn’t realize how long I had been holding my breath until he’s off of me and I place my hand over my chest feeling my heart going crazy. This was insane. I just imagined what’d it’s be like to kiss him! This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was the exact reason why I left Peeps’ house. I couldn’t feel like this toward him. I couldn’t be gay.

I can feel my chest start to tighten but it was different from last time. It wasn’t my asthma. It felt more like panic. I just needed to get away from him as soon as possible.

I ignore his hand and get up on my own.

“Sorry butt...I actually have to leave now.”

Groans escape from the group and Finn’s face drops “What? Why? We’re finally doing good.”

“Sorry. I just…I have to go.” I walk away backwards and wave at a few guys before turning around and heading back toward my bike.

“Albie. Do you really have to go?” I can hear Finn coming up behind me but I can’t turn around for him. I can’t allow myself to give into this. He grabs my arms and pulls me back to face him.

“Yeah.” I muttered trying to pull away from him.

“Are you okay? Is it your asthma again?”

“Uh...” I nod placing my hand on my chest again. It wasn’t like I could tell him the real reason. "Mhmm. I don't have my inhaler with me."

“Oh..I see.” He lets my arm go. “That sucks, we could really use you.”

“Maybe some other time.” I suggest. Maybe after I found a way to make these dumb feelings go away.

“Definitely. Hey, are you busy tomorrow afternoon? You should stop by my house. I’m have a little get together in my back yard for the team and you should come. I still need to give you my mom’s picture so that’s just an extra reason to stop by.”

“Uh…this wouldn't happen to be the same party that Peeps was talking about, is it?”

He perks up. "Yeah..I think Mark may have invited her. So does that mean you're coming?" He holds out his hands and awaits my answer.

“Sure...I guess I was already coming.” I shrug.

"Great." He waves before returning back to the team.

I turn again and head over to my bike feeling like I always felt when we said our goodbyes to each other. Confused and annoyed at myself and the circumstances of everything. I barely even noticed what I was doing he was near me and after we'd part it’s like all of the dumb things come rushing back to me.

I race home on my bike and when I've reached my maximum speed, I close my eyes and I let the hard wind brush against my face and flow through the curls in my hair and for a moment I imagine it's possible slow up time just long enough to let everything start to making sense again.