Diary of an Obsessive-Compulsive Blonde

October 22, 2007, 10:44 a.m.
Period 3, Spanish class

Dear Diary,

I actually wanted to name this diary the 'diary of an obsessive-compulsive, attention-deficit, arachnophobic, pyromaniac blonde,' but it wouldn't fit on the cover. You see, according to my psychologist, that's my diagnosis. It's not like I actually pay her though. Lucy only counsels me because she's my next-door neighbor and she's terrified I'm going to burn down our apartment building someday. Despite her sometimes harsh words, I love her to death. I've known Lucy since I was a baby, and I know that, deep down, she loves me too. Very deep down. This journal was actually her idea. She says that it often helps with problem children like me. Just so you know, I'm also a failure and a freak. I don't really care though. I'm fine with who I am, even with all my 'mental disorders.' But obviously Lucy cares. She cares more than my own mother. According to Lucy, her are the top ten reasons why I'm going to end up as a mentally ill homeless person who yells random, incoherent cuss words at people who pass by:

10. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which means I am technically mentally ill. Screw that! I am in a perfectly normal state of mind, thank you very much! I just like to repeat certain things over and over and over and over again…

9. I am also a pyromaniac, so Lucy says I'll probably end up being an arsonist. That one might actually be true.

8. I have a ginormous crush on a senior guy who has tattoos, rides a motorcycle, and ditches school on a regular basis. But Lucy obviously hasn't seen Luke! He has got to be one of the hottest guys on the face of this planet! He has black hair, mysterious dark eyes, and a voice that would make any girl swoon! Plus, his motorcycle is awesome! It has flames on the side and everything…

7. My mom, Crystal, is an exotic dancer (which is really just a nicer name for stripper) who got pregnant with me at 18. So, according to Lucy, I'll probably have lax morals and get pregnant as a teenager, too. Also, I grew up without a father, so, according to Lucy, since I didn't have a stable father figure in my life, I'll probably have lots of relationship problems. Well, so far that prediction has come true.

6. I have attention-deficit disorder, a.k.a. ADD. It sometimes contradicts my OCD. For instance, I'll feel 'compelled' to rearrange my cereal box collection, but then after about thirty seconds I'll lose interest and feel 'compelled' to go wash all the dishes, even the clean ones. Then I'll get bored with that too and go back to the cereal boxes. And that goes on and on for hours sometimes. It's really annoying. Why did I have to be cursed with two disord- Oooo! I see something shiny!

5. Okay, sorry about that. I'm back now. So here's the next reason: I hang around a 'bad crowd.' Lucy is referring to my friend Amber Holt, who has been my best friend since kindergarten. Amber and I get in a lot of trouble together. However, my other best friend, Danielle, isn't a troublemaker at all. In fact, she's always telling us to "stop robbing 7-elevens and start focusing on our grades." But seriously, we only robbed a 7-eleven once, when we were twelve, and even then we only stole candy, icees, and a little money out of the cash register. We didn't even take all of the money! It was pretty fun though. That's the main reason Amber and I do illegal things. It gives us a high, which actually brings me to my next reason…

4. I did some drugs in Junior High, and, as Lucy says, "Once a drug addict, always a drug addict." She also says that people with a mental disorder like me are more prone to drug addiction. Whatever. She doesn't know for sure. The only reason I did them back then was because I was dating an older guy who got me into them. However, my addiction ended with my infatuation for that jerk. I vowed that I would never use them again after I saw what they were doing to my mom and some of my friends. And, as I take my promises seriously, Lucy needn't worry about that.

3. Referring back to #5, I have been involved in criminal activity. I've only gotten caught doing something really bad twice though; I'm really good at not getting caught, which is part of what worries Lucy so much. Once I went to court for robbery, but I only got community service. (I recently finished that community service. Yay!) Most of the things I do are just harmless pranks or stuff at school though. But between the illegal stuff and arson, Lucy is sure she's going to have to bail me out of jail someday.

2. I don't do very well in school. I suppose I could do well if I really wanted to, but I don't want to. School's definitely not my top priority. Plus, there is that whole ADD thing. I just can't seem to focus in school!

And the number one reason why I'm going to be a bum when I grow up:

1. I live in Hollywood. According to Lucy, that means I will get mixed up in bad things and will always have a problem with self esteem. She says that Hollywood will crush my dreams and beat me down until I am a shell of my old self. In other words, I'll become like my mother. However, my mother is not a homeless bum, so I still have hope… My mother's life story is actually pretty sad. She grew up in Archieville, Alabama, where she was beloved and popular. In high school, she starred in all the school plays and was homecoming queen. Crystal McBride lived a charmed life. Then, after she graduated high school she moved to Los Angeles to 'make it big.' Unfortunately, she didn't, and like many others who come to L.A. full of hope, her dreams were crushed. Also, a few months after arriving in L.A. she got pregnant after she got really drunk at a party one night and woke up the next morning in some strange dude's bed. Well, that explains a lot of things about me, doesn't it?

Despite all my 'disorders,' I'm pretty much your average teenage girl. My hair never goes the way I want it to go, I send at least 200 text messages a day, and there is this boy I'm absolutely crazy about. I'm definitely not ugly, but I wouldn't say I'm beautiful either. I have long, slightly wavy blonde hair, brown eyes, and pale skin that can never seem to get a tan. I am now 15 years old and in my sophomore year at Beverly Hills High School.

So, here's how my day's been so far. When I got to school this morning, Amber was making out with her boyfriend Ryan right in front of my locker. Not exactly the way I want to start a Monday.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Danielle appeared right next to me and said, "Ew. Do they have to go at it in front of our lockers every morning?"

I jumped in surprise, "Jesus Christ! Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Just…just come out of nowhere like that! You're gonna give me a heart attack!"

"Calm down, Barbie. It's not my fault you're blind!" Danielle retorted.

Oh yes. I can hear the shocked gasps and barely stifled, disbelieving giggles. My name is, unfortunately, Barbie. I kid you not. I know what you're thinking; my mother must have a sick sense of humor. But she wasn't trying to be funny at all. She loves Barbies. She has a huge collection that I could probably sell on EBay for a ton of money. She would kill me if I did that though. I've never been a fan of Barbies. Perhaps it's because I share their name. When I was younger I would either use my Barbies as voodoo dolls or melt them. Yes, I was a very disturbed child. Not much has changed, huh?

"Whatever, Danielle. Let's go break up the love fest over there," I said, inclining my head toward Amber and Ryan.

We walked over to them and wrenched them apart.

"Next time find a janitors closet to make out in, not in front of our lockers," I told them.

Ryan turned red and looked away, running his hand through his hair, while Amber flicked her dark brown hair back and stuck a piece of bubble gum in her mouth. Amber is one of those girls that when you pass them on the street you always look back for a second glance. She is breathtakingly beautiful with long brown hair, big brown eyes, and perfect skin. She is as skinny as a twig even though she eats like a pig. She's the one that guys always pay attention to. I swear; she could get any guy she wants. She always has. Okay, I admit it, I'm a little jealous. Still, Amber's my best friend and I love her to death. In contrast, Danielle, although pretty, has never had a boyfriend because she gets so shy around guys. I don't think she cares though. She is very focused on getting into Stanford and believes that guys are only a distraction. One of her favorite sayings is, "Keep your eyes on the goal." Danielle has light brown hair, hazel eyes, and curves that I would die for.

Amber turned to me and said excitedly, "Oh my God, guess what I heard in the second floor west wing bathroom this morning! Jessica Harringer hooked up with Chris Rinehart at Michelle Castro's party on Saturday!"

I stopped rummaging through my locker and turned to her, my mouth open in shock, "Oh my God! Isn't she going out with Davey Windsor?"

Amber nodded her head as she applied lip gloss in my locker mirror, "Yep. And he's a really possessive boyfriend, too."

"This is going to be interesting," Danielle added.

"Tell me about it. Well, I've got to go. I haven't been to my locker yet and the bell's going to ring any minute now. TTFN, ta-ta for now!" Amber said as she put her lip gloss away in her purse and walked away, attracting stares in her cheer outfit and hooker boots.

Danielle and I then walked to our Period 0 English class, which we have together. We immediately picked seats next to each other. (We're allowed to sit wherever we want in Ms. Winston's class.) However, Danielle and I always have a little fight about whether to sit in the back of the room or the front, as she actually wants to learn, and I really don't give a damn. We always end up picking a happy medium in the middle of the classroom. As soon as the bell rang and Ms. Winston began teaching, I zoned out and began doodling on my notebook. That notebook is practically a work of art by now.

Suddenly, I was jerked out of my daydreams about my crush, Luke, when Ms. Winston said, "Barbie! Would you mind telling me what city William Shakespeare is from?"

I glanced desperately at Danielle, who had her hand practically up to the ceiling.

"Uhh, New York?"

Everyone laughed and I smiled weakly. Ms. Winston rolled her eyes and said, "Danielle, would you care to enlighten your friend?"

"Stratford-Upon-Avon, Ms. Winston," Danielle answered eagerly.

"Very good, Danielle. You know, you really should be in Honors English. I'll recommend you for next semester," Ms. Winston said to Danielle before continuing her lecture.

Danielle smiled smugly and I stuck my tongue out at her jokingly.

She mouthed, "You're just jealous."

"You wish," I mouthed back, and lapsed back into my oh-so-pleasant daydreams until the bell rang.

I gathered up my books and said to Danielle, "I'm going to need to borrow your notes again."

Danielle sighed and pulled out today's notes, "You know, I really shouldn't keep giving you and Amber my notes. I should just let you guys fail."

"Aww, but that would be mean. And you love us too much to do that to us."

"I don't know why I'm even friends with you two, honestly. You're just bad influences on me."

I laughed and we parted ways as I headed off to my Geometry class and her to her French class. I pretty much slept through Geometry, like I always do. It doesn't matter, during the tests I just cheat off the geeky kid next to me. Next I went to Biology, which is one of my favorite classes because I have it with Amber and Danielle, and Amber is my lab partner.

I walked in and sat down at my desk, then immediately began talking to Danielle who sits at the desk next to Amber and me. The bell rang and Amber still wasn't there, which isn't exactly uncommon.

Mr. Tomlin stood up and said, "Good morning class. Today you're going to-"

He was cut off by Amber who walked through the door playing with her hair and loudly chewing gum.

"Miss Holt. So you've finally decided to honor us with your presence. Please spit out your gum and sit down."

Amber spit out her gum in the trash, but popped in another piece as soon as she sat down.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey!" she whispered back.

Mr. Tomlin cleared his throat loudly and continued, "Today you're going to get new lab partners."

Several people, including Amber and me, groaned loudly, but some looked relieved.

Mr. Tomlin pulled out a piece of paper and read, "Amber Holt and Jacob Christiansen."

Amber looked at me pleadingly as she went to go sit with the weird kid with the greasy hair who sings show tunes under his breath.

"Yasmin Marquez and Annie Douglas."

"Samantha Lovegood and Danielle MacAllister."

Danielle groaned as the snobby, popular girl who gave a whole new meaning to the term 'dumb blonde' sat next to her.

"Barbie McBride and Parker Cole."

Every girl glared at me enviously as the tall, handsome basketball player sat next to me. Parker Cole isn't just a star basketball player and straight-A student. He's a movie star. Now, many students of Beverly Hills High School are children of celebrities (Danielle's father is a famous director and Amber is the product of an affair between a rock star and his children's nanny), but Parker is an actual celebrity in his own right. The teen heartthrob stopped doing movies for a little while to focus on finishing his education, but he still models and stuff like that. He is tall, dark, and handsome. He has brown hair, blue eyes, and ripped muscles. Nearly every teenage girl in America has a picture of him in her locker. And he's now my lab partner.

Amber mouthed, "Lucky!"

I grinned smugly back at her before turning to Parker and saying, "Hello. I'm Barbie"

"Yeah, I know you. You're the pretty girl whom Mr. Tomlin's always yelling at for talking," Parker smiled, showing off his pearly whites.

Okay, by now I'm in shock. Parker Cole, THE Parker Cole knows who I am. And he thinks I'm pretty! So, I just sat there, my mouth gaping like a complete idiot, as I tried to think of what to say.

"Uh, yeah, that's me. Hehe," I said sheepishly.

Parker opened his mouth to say something, but Danielle leaned over form the desk next to us and said to Parker, "Make sure to watch her carefully. Don't let her get into any trouble or slack off. And whatever you do, don't let her near the Bunsen burner."

"Why?" Parker asked, laughing.

"She's a pyromaniac," Danielle said matter-of-factly.

Parker turned back to me, "Really?"

I looked down at my black converses, embarrassed, "Uh, yeah. All my neighbors are terrified I'm going to burn down our apartment building someday."

Parker laughed, shaking his head, "Well, looks like I'll be handling the Bunsen burner then."

"Fine," I pouted.

Mr. Tomlin finished assigning lab partners, walked over to the white board, and slid it across, revealing a long set of instructions. He then and addressed the class, "Alright. We've been taking notes for a few days now, and now you get to put your new knowledge to use. The instructions are on the board. You should all be finished by then end of class."

I then put my long blond hair into a pony tail and put on my safety goggles, giggling as I looked at myself in my compact mirror.

Parker looked at my like I was an idiot and said, "What's so funny?"

"My safety goggles. Everyone looks funny when they wear them even you, Mr. America," I replied, giggling.

He laughed along and turned on the Bunsen burner. When he turned away, made sure he was busy with something else and then began running my finger through the fire. It's just so, so beautiful. But then Parker had to freak out, pull me away from the fire, and unplug the Bunsen burner.

"Jesus Christ Barbie! You weren't kidding!" He practically yelled at me.

"Of course not. Why would I kid about something like that?" I replied.

Parker just chuckled and moved the burner over to his side of the desk. Later on in the class Parker noticed how I was constantly checking my purse to make sure my lunch money was still there, so I had to explain to him about my OCD.

"What? You have obsessive-compulsive disorder, too! You're even stranger than I thought!" Parker exclaimed, staring at me disbelievingly.

I just chuckled nervously and returned to taking notes on our lab. Fantastic. Just fucking fantastic. The most eligible bachelor in America thinks I'm a freak. The rest of the class I barely talked to him and when the bell rang I practically ran out.

Danielle and Amber caught up to me and Amber said, "What's wrong, babe?"

"Parker Cole."

"Ohh," Amber and Danielle replied in unison.

I threw my hands up in frustration, "He thinks I'm a total freak! I was embarrassed back there! And now we're going to be lab partners for the next few months. He did say I was pretty though. But that was before he found out how weird I am-"

I was cut off by my friends' excited squeals.

"Oh my God! The hottest guy in America thinks you're pretty! Do you understand how lucky you are?" Danielle said excitedly.

I shrugged, "I guess you're right. That is pretty cool. Although I don't see why he would think I'm pretty-"

Amber faced me and grabbed me by the shoulders, "Oh my God, Barbie. You are beautiful, inside and out. Don't you go getting all insecure on me! Danielle's insecure enough-"

"Hey!" Danielle protested indignantly.

I laughed and said to them as we continued walking to class, "Lucy's always said that it's normal for people with OCD to be very insecure."

"Yeah, well you're not exactly normal are you?" Amber said.

I laughed, "That's true."

Amber and I said goodbye to Danielle and walked into our Spanish class, which is taught by Senora Iglesias, who is so senile it's surprising she's still alive. Poor lady. She probably wants to retire but has to keep teaching bratty kids in order to make ends meet. So she pretty much just lets us do whatever we want. Amber and I sat in the back, where we are now. I'm writing this journal entry and Amber is sleeping. Shit, I gotta go, the bell just rang.