Diary of an Obsessive-Compulsive Blonde

5:34 p.m. Monday, October 29, 2007
The balcony of my apartment

Dear Diary,

You know when you know that everyone is watching you out of the corner of their eyes, but won't look you in the eye? When you know everyone is whispering about you behind your back, but won't talk to you? When you're the hot new gossip, but everyone just brushes past you like you don't exist?

Well, that's pretty much my life right now.

And I can't stand it.

I'm naturally a very sociable person; that's just who I am. So to be rejected like this, to be an outcast, is just unbearable. I'm also one of those people who can't stand being in a fight, who hate it when people are mad at them, and just want everybody to be happy and get along.

So far, that's not working out too well.

I should have known it was going to be like this, but I'm not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. All day Sunday Amber and Danielle wouldn't answer my calls, text messages, IMs, or Myspace messages. I assumed they were pretty pissed.

And boy, was I right.

This morning, I woke up late again as usual. I jumped out of bed, pulled my hair into a pony tail, and quickly pulled on a pair of jeans, a blue long-sleeved t-shirt, and Uggs. I grabbed pop-tarts and ran out the door. I sprinted onto the bus, and as soon as I got on, the bus went silent, and I could feel twenty pairs of eyes staring at me.

The bus driver Owen, however, was blissfully ignorant of the morning's gossip, and cheerily said, "Good morning, Barbie!"

I managed a weak smile and croaked, "Good morning, Owen."

I then began to walk down the aisle, looking for a seat. You know in movies, when the hero/heroine walks down the middle aisle of the school bus, and everybody starts putting their backpacks, legs, arms, etc. across the seat next to them, so that the person can't sit down there? Well, I got to experience that particular humiliation first-hand today. I finally sat down at the back of the bus, on a seat with no one next to me. I pulled out The Scarlet Letter for English class and read until we got to school.

When I reached my locker, I realized there was something missing. Amber and Ryan weren't sucking face in front of my locker. I'd wanted that annoyance to be gone for so long, but now that it was, I would give anything to have it back. I didn't see Danielle before 0 period, and I figured she must have come to school early just to avoid encountering me at our lockers. This sting was more painful than the bee that stung me at soccer practice when I was seven, and my hand swelled up like a balloon because, as it turns out, I'm allergic to bees. I cried for hours on end because of that. But this, this was way more painful. The loss of a best friend is something no one should ever have to endure, and I lost two of them in one night.

When I walked into English class, everybody fell silent again, and I knew they'd all been talking about me. I kept my head down and took a seat at the front of the class. Once class started, I zoned out and pondered various ways to kill myself, or even better, Ryan. So naturally I nearly jumped out of my seat when Ms. Winston called on me.

"Barbie!"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to answer my question?"

"Uhh…can you repeat the question?"

Ms. Winston sighed, "In The Scarlet Letter, do you believe that the community was too harsh in their punishment of Hester Prynne, or do you think they were not nearly harsh enough, especially considering their time period?"

"Oh, Ms. Winston, they were way too harsh! Okay, so she made a mistake. A very bad mistake. But she was always going to have to live with that, and that is punishment enough. Public humiliation is one of the worst things to endure. To have everyone staring at you, and whenever you walk into a room everybody goes quiet and you know they've been talking about you. To have all the people you thought were your friends turn against you. She had to endure all of that. And she was going to anyway, after getting preggers and all. But to have a red letter A for Adulteress on her chest for the rest of her life, so that people would always remember, always be reminded of her sin, is just cruel and unusual punishment! And, like they all weren't fuc-well, you know, with everybody else's wives and husbands anyway. Hester is just their scapegoat! They're condemning her to lessen their own guilt. They're all just a bunch of hypocrites!" I said loudly and quickly, then looked down at my hands, my face beet red.

Ms. Winston looked surprised. "Well, Barbie, that was a very…interesting view point. Thoughtful. I'm glad to see you've been reflecting on the themes of this novel. Anybody have a different perspective?"

I shut off my senses, closed myself to the rest of the world, and doodled all over my notebook, my book, my hands. I tried not to think too much, because thinking hurts. When you think, you leave yourself open to attack. The truth could break down your walls, get to you. And I wasn't ready to handle the truth. Not yet.

As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my books and backpack and sprinted out of there. I walked into Geometry with four whole minutes to spare. I actually had time to sharpen all my pencils to a point before class, which is one of my obsessive-compulsions, so Mr. Gutierrez always has to endure the sound of the grating pencil sharpener while he tries to teach the rest of the class theorems and postulates. I sat down as the bell rang, and was startled out of my suffocating self-pity by a cheery voice.

"Hello, Barbie!" Emily chirped happily behind me.

"Hi, Emily," I returned with a half-smile.

"How was your weekend?" she asked ignorantly.

Obviously she hadn't heard. I really couldn't blame her; she was just a freshman after all. And I was not about to enlighten her. As they say, ignorance is bliss. And besides, it was kind of nice to have someone who wasn't staring at me judgmentally.

"Alright. How was yours?" I asked.

Emily smiled wide, "Really good! My cousins were visiting from Vietnam, and we took them to see all the sights and everything-"

She was cut off then by Mr. Gutierrez's announcement, "Today we are going to skip a few lessons, and start learning about special quadrilaterals…"

Yeah, I just kind of tuned out after that. Geometry passed too quickly for my tastes, as next was the class I was really dreading. Biology, where I'd have to see Amber again for the first time since Saturday night. Thank God we're not lab partners anymore!

I walked into biology with my head down, as if I was fascinated with the pattern of the floor. I scurried over to my lab table, and sat down quickly, breathing deeply.

"Hey, you don't look so good, Barbie. You alright?" Parker asked from the seat next to me.

I looked up to see Amber glaring at me and Danielle carefully avoiding my eyes. "I will be," I croaked.

Parker looked uncomfortable. I realized I should have just plastered a big smile on my face and pretended that everything was alright. That's what everybody wants, isn't it? Everybody wants everybody else to just go around acting like everything's just dandy, even when things go horribly wrong. Because nobody wants to have to worry about anybody but themselves. But then Parker did something I totally didn't expect.

"Yeah, it will be. Cuz you're Barbie McBride. The infamous Barbie McBride. And you kind of have a habit of making everybody who meets you fall in love with you. Even if you don't mean to, even if you don't want them to. Even if they don't want to. But I want you to know, that I'll always be here for you, no matter what," Parker said, then put his arm around me and gave me a hug.

I was shocked. I couldn't help but think that I don't give this guy enough credit. I mean, he's like freaking perfect!

I smiled, my first real one all day, and giggled. (Oh God, I giggled!) "Thanks, Parker. I might have to take you up on that one."

Then class started and I was subjected to fifty minutes of Mr. Tomlin's fascinating lecture on cellular structure. However, Parker and I entertained ourselves by playing hangman and passing notes the entire time. I had been, um,sleeping listening intently to Mr. Tomlin, when I felt someone nudge my shoulder. I looked over at Parker, and he gestured to his notebook, which he had placed in front of me. On a blank piece of paper, he had written.

I think I'm going to shoot myself.

lol ditto. Actually, I have a better idea. Let's shoot him!

hahaha I'd be all for it, but then they might give us the pther bio teacher, Mrs. Hickman.

Is she the one who thinks she's catwoman?

Yep.

Either that or we'd get Mr. Maido.

Oh yeah, didn't he start a cult or something?

Yeah. They worship Paris Hilton.

Oh yeah, I've seen his classroom… Wow, the Biology teachers here are pretty fucked up.

Um, Parker, all the teachers here are fucked up.

hahaha and I gotta say, most of the kids here are pretty fucked up.

Well, it's Beverly Hills. What more could you expect?

hahaha true, true. So if we're not gonna kill off Mr. Tomlin, how are we going to save ourselves?

Hmm, we could try one of those murder-suicide things.

You'd have to kill me first though. I could never kill you.

Alright! Works for me!

hahahahahaha. Shit, I almost laughed out loud. Soo, are you going to homecoming?

Duh. It'd be no fun at all without me there. Are you?

Yep. Are you going with anyone?

Um. Well, I don't know. I haven't been asked yet. And I don't know if I will be.

I have a feeling you will be.

How? Do you know something?

You could say that…

WHAT? WHO'S ASKING ME????

Hey, I can't tell you that.

You suck.

What do I suck?

My dick, of course.

That time, Parker actually started lauging out loud. Although, I don't know what was so funny about it. For all he knows, I could have one.

Mr. Tomlin stopped lecturing and turned to look at us. "What's so funny, Parker and Barbie? Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

I frantically looked over at the power point presentation to see what we were supposed to be learning. "Umm, we were just laughing at how stupid cells are to, um, reproduce by themselves? It's way more fun to have a partner."

To my surprise, Mr. Tomlin laughed. "You're exactly right, Barbie. Cells don't know what they're missing. Mitosis isn't very much fun, if you catch my drift." Then he winked at us. I'm not even joking right now.

When Mr. Tomlin returned to lecturing about the difference between prophase and interphase, I quickly scrawled to Parker, OH MY GOD. IS it just me, or was that the creepiest thing you've ever heard?

IT WASN'T JUST YOU. I THINK I'M GOING TO BARF.

So Biology was alright, but Spanish was extremely awkward. Amber and I walked in at exactly the same time, and she just gave me a death glare and sat next to some other girl. I sat in the front today, which meant I actually had to participate.

It wasn't that bad. I'm actually pretty good at picking up languages. But there's like a gazillion verb tenses! How am I supposed to remember them all?

So, after Spanish, I had to face the dilemma of where to sit at lunch. Oh my God. Luckily, however, as I stood in the cafeteria looking for somewhere to sit, someone came up behind me and said, "Hey, Barbie."

I swung around and nearly knocked down Emily with my lunch tray. "Oh, hey Emily! Sorry, you scared me!" And then it hit me, "Hey, can I sit with you at lunch today?"

Emily smiled and replied, "Of course! Oh, you can meet my friends!"

"Cool!" I said, and followed her outside to a group of freshmen sitting underneath a big eucalyptus tree.

"Hey everybody!" Emily said as we sat down, "this is Barbie McBride."

"Hey!" Everybody greeted me.

Emily introduced each of them to me, "This is Brian Nguyen, Do Nguyen, Anna Nguyen, Trevor Nguyen, and Crystal Vu."

"Wow," I said, "That's a lot of Nguyens."

Everyone just laughed. "Duh," Anna said, "we're Vietnamese."

I ended up having so much fun with Emily's friends. They're freaking hilarious. But nobody will ever be able to replace Amber and Danielle. They mean more to me than anyone ever has or ever will.

P.E. was extremely awkward as well. While we were playing soccer, so that I wouldn't have to face Amber and Danielle who were defense for the other team, I begged to be goalie, even though everyone knows my hand-eye coordinationis limiteddoesn't exist.

Luckily for me, the forwards on my team were freaking awesome, so I just sat leaning against the goal post and picking at the turf. Suddenly, Jordan Miller, who was forward for the other team, came running up and sat down next to me.

"Hey, what's going on, baby girl?" He said as he wiped his face with his shirt. Ew.

"Hey, Jordan. I'm alright. How are you?"

"Great, now that I'm talking to you," Jordan said, smiling.

I just laughed and rolled my eyes. Jordan's such a sweet-talker.

Jordan continued, " I had a lot of fun with you on Saturday night."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was lots of fun…" I said. I'd actually totally forgotten that I'd hooke up with him, what with the whole Ryan mess and everything.

"So, you going to Homecoming?" Jordan asked.

"Most likely. You?"

"Yeah. Do you have a date?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Not yet."

"Oh, okay. Just wondering. Well I gotta go play. See ya, Barbie!" And Jordan ran off.

Well, well, well, what's going on here? This is the second time a guy's asked me if I have a date to homecoming today. Who are they trying to find out for?

Nothing else interesting happened until right before sixth period study hall. I was walking through the courtyard to class when I realized that everyone was yelling to each other and pointing upwards. I look up at the sky and saw a plane writing something. At the moment there were a D, A, and an N, and he was in the process of writing an I. I heard a distinctive shriek and looked over to see Danielle with her hand over her mouth in shock. After the plane finished writing Dani, it slowly spelled out, H, O, M, E, C, O, M, I, N, and G. By the time it was done, Danielle was practically in tears. Liam walked over then, and handed her roses, then said something to her I couldn't hear. She nodded and threw her arms around him.

I had to resist the urge to run over and freak out with Danielle and Gabriela. I hated the fact that I couldn't. All Study Hall, I tried to concentrate on my Spanish homework, but was too distracted by Danielle and Gabriela's squeals and giggles. God, it's only been two days and I already miss them so much. It really sucks to have no friends.

That afternoon, when I got home from school, I was unlocking the door to my apartment when I decided I really needed to talk to someone. So, I went to the apartment next door instead. When Lucy opened the door, she looked shocked, but when I started crying, she put her arms around me and listened for like two freaking hours as I told her everything. And I realized that I'm not alone. I still have people who care about me, and will be there for me no matter what.

Maybe my life doesn't suck that much.

Forever yours,
Barbie