Diary of an Obsessive-Compulsive Blonde

3:20 p.m. October 26, 2007
Lily of the Valley Gentleman's Club

Dear Diary,

Okay, I feel bad that I didn't write any entries yesterday, but nothing the least bit interesting happened. Well, Lucy came over to talk to me, but I locked my door and wouldn't let her in. I think my mom feels kind of bad about the whole thing, and doesn't know what to do or who to side with. I think she's trying to stay neutral.

So today I woke up late again(big surprise there), and barely had time to grab a pop-tart, slip on jeans, a tank top, and a cropped blazer, and run out the door in time to make the bus. Luckily, I did, and I put my makeup on and separated my hair into two braids while on the bus. Unfortunately, I accidentally stabbed my eye with my mascara wand. I walked into school still rubbing my eye and groaned when I saw through my one good eye that Amber and Ryan were making out in front of my locker again.

"Damnit, you guys, I thought you'd kicked the habit," I moaned.

To my surprise, Ryan pried himself off of Amber.

Amber turned to glare at me but jumped when she saw my left eye, "Oh my God, Barbie, what happened to your eye?"

I whimpered, "Shit, is it really that bad?"

"Come on, let's go in the bathroom and wash your eye out," she said, taking me by the arm.

In the bathroom I washed my eye out, then reapplied my eyeliner and mascara, being very careful not to get them anywhere near my eyeball.

"There," Amber told me reassuringly, "your eye looks much better."

"Thanks, Amber," I sighed, "my day's not getting off to a very good start."

Amber wrapped her arms around me, "Aw, Barbie, don't let something like this get you down. Today's the big day, remember?"

I smiled, "How could I forget?"

"Well then, how about ditching 0 period with me? Let's go down to Starbucks. Starbucks therapy always makes us feel better," Amber suggested.

"Alright," I conceded, "I haven't ditched English in a while, besides, I don't think Ms. Winston will miss me."

As the bell rang, Amber and I walked down a few blocks to the closest Starbucks. I saved us a table near the window while Amber ordered us each a latte. I gazed out the window, lost in thought, as Amber waited for our lattes. Suddenly, across the street at Louis Vuitton, I saw someone I knew very well exit the store and start walking across the street to Starbucks, shopping bags in hand.

I turned to Amber, who had just sat down and passed me my drink. "Amber! It's your mom!"

"Fuck! Let's go…shit, she's about to come in…lets' hide in the bathroom!" Amber said, flustered.

We grabbed our stuff and ran into the bathroom, which luckily was a one-person bathroom. I locked the door behind us and leaned against the wall. "That was a close one."

"Tell me about it," Amber said, "I just hope she's not here for long."

"How are gonna know when she's gone?" I asked, washing my hands.

Amber shrugged, "We'll just poke our heads out every so often, I guess."

"Don't you think people will start to get suspicious?" I asked skeptically.

"Whatever," Amber said, "stop worrying so much."

"I'm sorry, Amber. I just…I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or something," I sighed, then took a long sip of my latte.

"It's okay, Barbie. And I'm sorry I had you ditch class. I had no idea my mom would be here."

"Don't worry about it, Amber. Besides, that's the best part of ditching class, isn't it? The danger of possibly being caught."

Amber laughed triumphantly, "Now that's the Barbie I know!"

We sat and talked for a little while, then played a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who would have to check if Amber's mom was still there. I lost.

"Aww, but it's your mom," I moaned.

"All the more reason for you to do it," Amber said smugly.

I unlocked the door and popped my head out. There was a line of people waiting to use the restroom. And, of course, who was at the back of the line but Amber's mother. Luckily, she had her back to me and was on her cell phone.

As I made to close the door, the woman at the front of the line said, "Excuse me. I've been waiting here for over ten minutes. What's going on?"

"Sorry," I said, "my friend has diarrhea."

Several women in line groaned and a few walked away. Once I was back inside, I laughed.

"There's a whole line of people waiting to use the bathroom, and your mom is in it." I told Amber.

"Fuckk," she said.

I chuckled and said, "I told them you had diarrhea."

Amber laughed, "Well, let's play it up a little then." She began moaning and groaning loudly.

"It's okay, Sally, just let it all out. Wow, this is a huge crap! We're gonna be in here for a while!" I said loudly, so that the women outside would here.

Amber and I began shaking in silent laughter.

"Go check to see if she left," Amber ordered me.

I opened the door a crack and peered out. Amber's mom was still jabbering away on her cell phone, completely oblivious. The woman in the front of the line glared at me expectantly.

"Sorry 'bout the smell," I said.

"Damnit! Your mom's still in line!" I said to Amber.

"Shit…how the hell are we gonna get out of here?" She asked.

I looked around the bathroom and eyed a small window above the toilet.

Amber followed my gaze and exclaimed, "Oh, hell no. There is no way we're fitting through that!"

"I don't know, Amber, I mean we're pretty skinny, and you're a cheerleader for chrissakes! If anyone can do it, you can," I reasoned with her.

"Alright, fine, we don't really have a choice," Amber agreed.

"Okie dokie, ladies first," I said, motioning for Amber to climb out the window.

She rolled her eyes, stood up on the top of the toilet, and looked out the window. "It's a back alley. Shit, I think I see a hobo."

"Whatever, Amber, just go!"

She wrenched open the window and stuck her head through backwards, then her torso. When she had her legs through, she crouched on the windowsill, then jumped.

I jumped up on top of the toilet and yelled through the window, "Brava! Brava! Amber, you are an inspiration to school ditchers everywhere."

Amber bowed, then said, "Throw our purses and lattes over!"

I handed our two large school purses and our two venti lattes to Amber, who then said, "Your turn, Barbie."

"Alright, I can do this, I can do this," I told myself.

I stood with my back to the wall, then stuck my head out through the window like Amber had done. But as I tried to lift my torso through, I might a bit of an impediment.

"Shit!" I cursed loudly.

"What's wrong?" Amber asked.

"My boobs are stuck!" I told her, grimacing.

Amber burst out laughing.

"Hey! Just because you've got none! I swear, you and Gabriella should found a Itty Bitty Titties club or something…"

"Aw, now, don't make fun of me just because you're too fat to fit through that window!"

"No! I'm going to fit! I will, I will, I will!" I chorused, finally shoving my not-even-that-large B-cups out of the bathroom window.

"Yes!" I shouted triumphantly, pumping my fist into the air, "Go Barbie! Go Barbie!"

Amber shook her head and rolled her eyes, "Just come down, Barbie."

I lifted my legs out, and tried to do the thing Amber did where she crouched on the windowsill and jumped down, but unfortunately I slipped and fell on my ass on the concrete with a loud 'thump.'

"Ouch!" I groaned.

As I stood up gingerly, rubbing my ass, Amber burst out laughing again.

"Oh shut up Amber! Jeez, you look like you're having an epileptic seizure," I pouted, embarrassed.

Amber calmed down and said, "Well, that was graceful, Barbie."

"Thanks, bitch," I said.

"No problem, whore."

"Tramp."

"Skank."

"Slut."

"Prostitute."

"Stripper."

"Nah, yo mama's a stripper!" Amber retorted.

"Yeah, that's true," I conceded.

We laughed, picked up our stuff, and began to walk down the alley to the street. Suddenly, the bum that Amber had seen earlier started yelling at us. We ran the rest of the way until we reached the street.

We walked past Starbucks and warily looked through the window. That woman in the front of the line was now banging on the door, and soon a Starbucks employee came running over. Amber's mom was still on the phone, oblivious to everything that was going on around her. We giggled, and ran away before anyone could recognize us. We made it back to school right as 0 period was ending, and hurried to our lockers.

As I was stuffing my books into my bag, I heard a voice behind me say, "Barbie! Where were you? Why weren't you in English class? Did you oversleep again? Are you sick?"

I turned around and saw Danielle standing there looking worried. She then eyed the Starbucks latte in my hand. "Oh no, don't tell me you ditched class again!"

"Okay, I won't tell you," I said, shutting my locker and throwing my latte in the trash.

"Barbie! I thought you said you were gonna stop! You can't keep doing this! You're never going to do well in life if you fail high school," Danielle admonished me.

"Who cares? I can go to beauty school or something. Become a stripper," I told her, walking briskly away from her toward Geometry.

Danielle ran and caught up with me, "No. Don't say that Barbie! You are not going to follow your mother's footsteps. I won't let you."

"Why does everyone keep saying that? Everyone keeps telling me what to do lately! You can't do this, you can't do that, goddamnit! I just want to be able to make my own choices for once!" I practically yelled at Danielle.

"But what if those choices are wrong?" Danielle asked me in an unusually quiet voice.

I could tell from her voice and expression that she really did care, and I softened a little bit.

"Then I'll deal with the consequences, okay?" I told Danielle.

I then walked into Geometry and sat down.

"No ninjas attacking today, I hope?" Mr. Gutierrez asked me.

"No, sir. No ninjas, thank God. I was getting really tired of them ambushing me on the way to my favorite class," I told him sweetly.

"Hmm," was all he said, before returning to the tests he was grading.

Once class started, Mr. Gutierrez passed back our tests from last Friday. That was the day that Arnold(or whatever his name his) was absent, damn him, so I couldn't cheat off of him, and therefore failed. Fantastic.

After the Geometry period from hell(Mr. Gutierrez gave us a pop quiz because we all did so badly on last week's test), I practically sprinted to Biology because I wanted to apologize for being so hard on her.

I sat down next to Danielle(her partner Samantha wasn't there yet), and hugged her.

"I'm so sorry, Dani. I know you only want what's best for me. I just kind of snapped. I'm so sorry."

Danielle smiled, "It's okay Barbie. Just promise me you'll never become a stripper. Or prostitute."

I held my pinky finger and said, "I pinky promise."

We shook pinkies solemnly and then giggled.

"Love ya, Dani," I said, giving her another hug.

"Love ya too, my stripper friend."

We laughed and I sat down next to Parker.

"Oh, Danielle," I said, "you and Amber are still coming over later to help me get ready for my date, right?"

"Of course! It'll be fun!" Danielle reassured me.

"Coolness."

I turned back to Parker and said hi.

"Wait," he said, "you're going on a date tonight?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Who with?" He asked.

"Luke Lyons," I said.

"What?" Parker exclaimed.

"Uhh, what's wrong Parker? Do you not like him or something?" I asked quizzically.

"You can't go on a date with that bastard. I won't let you."

I groaned in frustration, "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Cuz Luke Lyons is bad news Barbie. I don't want to see you get hurt," he told me.

"Thanks Parker, but I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Alright," Parker finally gave in, though he looked uneasy.

But as I sat there so close to him, I realized something. Parker smells like vanilla. Not the girly sort of vanilla, no way, but a manly, musky sort of vanilla. I wonder what cologne he uses. It smells so good; I would seriously buy that cologne just so I could smell it all the time.

Except that that would remind me of Parker.

And I don't like Parker.

I only like him as a friend.

I'm not the kind of girl who swoons as soon as she sees him just because he's a hot movie star. I look beyond appearances. And personally, Parker just isn't my type. I like bad boys. Like Luke.

We finished our lab yesterday, so today in Biology we pretty much just took notes and then watched a really stupid, ancient movie. Needless to say, I fell asleep. But just my luck, I accidentally fell asleep on Parker's shoulder. Fantastic. I got the feeling he didn't really mind though…

When the bell rang I jerked up and fell off my chair. Again, fantastic. Parker laughed and helped me up. You know, I really like his laugh.

I chuckled nervously and blushed, "Thanks, Parker."

"No problem, Barbie doll."

I walked out with Danielle and Amber and they started laughing and teasing me about falling asleep on Parker's shoulder.

"Oh my God, you should have seen the look on his face!" Danielle exclaimed.

"Yeah, he got really happy," Amber added.

"Oh God! Oh God! He did?" I asked in horror.

Amber laughed, "Nah, I couldn't really tell, I sit too far away. I'm just teasing you. I mean, it's totally obvious that he likes you."

"No he doesn't. How the hell could he like me?" I asked.

"Barbie, just think about it," Danielle said, "you're really pretty-"

"Am not," I protested.

"You've got a great personality," Danielle continued, ignoring me, "and you're a lot of fun. Plenty of guys like you."

"Okay, I know that some do, and some have in the past, but they were usually weird or creepy, and this is Parker Cole we're talking about," I reasoned.

"Hey, they're not all weird or creepy. I know for a fact that Jordan Miller liked you a few weeks ago," Amber informed me.

"Jordan Miller? The quarterback?" I asked incredulously.

"The very same."

"Holy shit! Come to think of it, he was flirting with me a lot during P.E…." I remembered.

"See? So it wouldn't really be that surprising if Parker liked you," Danielle pointed out.

"Okay, well, even if he does, I don't like him back. So there. That's settled. Now can we please move on?" I asked impatiently.

"Alright fine. Oh, by the way, I picked out some of Allie's old clothes that might work for tonight," Amber told me.

I don't think I've properly explained Amber's family situation yet. You see, Amber's father is Jackson Holt, a member of the 80's rock band The Purple Tigers (The band was really big back in the 80's but they're still together and do tours and stuff. They're still pretty damn famous, and Mr. Holt is filthy rich.) Mr. Holt was married to a supermodel, Alice Eberhardt Holt, and they had two girls, Allie and Lisle. Well, as you may have gathered, Amber's mom Missy was their nanny, and she had an affair with Amber's dad, in which Amber was conceived. After they were found out, Alice and Jackson Holt got divorced. You might think that Allie and Lisle would hold a grudge against Amber and Missy for breaking up their parents' marriage, but surprisingly they don't. They get along really well with them both. Missy apologized of course. She really does feel bad about it, but to tell you the truth, Missy has always been more of a mom to Allie and Lisle than their own mother. Anyway, now that that's out of the way, let's continue.

"Oh my Gosh, thanks! I can't wait for tonight! I'm so anxious though," I said.

"Don't worry, Barbie, it'll be fine," Danielle reassured me. "If I could get my guy, then you can definitely get yours."

I laughed, "Aw, thanks Dani. That’s…sweet."

We then split up: Amber and I went to Spanish and Danielle went to Geometry. In Spanish class we were supposed to be memorizing Spanish proverbs, but Sra. Iglesias fell asleep halfway through so we all sat and talked about homecoming.

"Oh my God, I cannot wait for homecoming!" Amber squealed.

"I can," I said sourly. "I haven't gotten asked yet. You're lucky you have Ryan."

"Aw, Barbie, cheer up, maybe Parker will ask you," Amber said, winking.

I glared at her and said hopefully, "Maybe, if things go well tonight, Luke will ask me."

Amber looked uneasy, "Yeah, maybe. He just doesn't really strike me as the tux-wearing kind of guy."

"I know, but maybe…"

"Look, if you don't get a date by next Wednesday, I'll get you one, okay?" Amber said.

"Okay, but I could always go stag," I said.

"Yeah, but it's more fun with a date," Amber reminded me.

"True. Well, at least we've already bought our dresses."

"I know!" Amber squealed excitedly, "They're so pretty!"

After Spanish, I dragged Amber to the bathroom so that I could wash my hands, then we hurried in to lunch. We sat down, and I indulged my OCD by neatly arranging my lunch.

Just as Amber was about to take a bit of her sandwich, Ryan sat down between us and kissed her. Then, of course, they just had to start making out. Right as we were eating lunch. I nearly lost my appetite. Kaycie, Annie, Gabriella, Danielle, and I all exchanged looks.

Thankfully, Amber and Ryan stopped making out after a little while, and Amber said, "So, Barbie, what time should Danielle and I come over to help you get ready for your date with Luke?"

"Probably around like, 6:30, 'cuz he's gonna pick me up around 8," I replied.

"Wait," Ryan cut in, "who's this Luke person?"

"Luke Lyons," Amber informed her boyfriend. "Barbie's going out with him tonight."

"Luke Lyons? Barbie, I am not going to let you go out with that jerk!" Ryan told me.

I moaned, "Oh my God, if I had a dime for every time someone's told me that this week, I'd be richer than the goddamn Queen of England!"

"But, Ryan, baby, I thought you and Luke were friends?" Amber asked, confused.

"We are. That doesn't mean I don't think he's an asshole," Ryan told Amber, then turned to me. "You deserve better than him, Barbie."

"Well, thanks for your concern, but I'm still gonna go out with him," I informed him resolutely.

"Alright, your choice," Ryan said, then kissed Amber and walked away.

"You know, Barbie," Danielle said through a mouthful of pizza, "maybe there's a reason everyone keeps telling you not to go out with Luke."

"I don't care. Nobody is going stop me from going out with him," I said.

Amber laughed, "God, Barbie, Lucy's right when she says you're as stubborn as a mule."

Nothing interesting happened the rest of the day, but I did get a shitload of homework. After school I took the bus to the strip club where my mom works, Lily of the Valley Gentlemen's Club. I weaved my way through a few mid-afternoon customers watching my mom's friend Lissa on stage and a few getting lap dances, and walked through a door in the back to the back room, where my mom was.

"Hey, mom," I said, giving her a hug, "when do you get off today?"

"In about an hour. Do you think you can just do your homework until then?"

"Sure. Oh, by the way, I saw old Mr. Tifton out there," I told my mom, winking.

"Damnit. Think he'll propose to me again today?"

"I'll bet you five bucks he will. He's looking especially pervy today."

My mom laughed, throwing back her long, blonde hair, her blue eyes twinkling, "Alright, deal."

She walked out to relieve Lissa, and I sat down and wrote in my diary. She should be out soon, so I'm going to do a little homework.

Love, love, love,

Barbie