Sweet Perfection
Hell
I don't know what I'm doing here. I can't figure out why I'm doing this to myself. I just don't understand why I make myself suffer so much by being in this place at this time. I watch as everyone hangs the ornaments with their names on the family Christmas tree and it just accentuates the feeling that I don't belong here. I know I shouldn't be in their house in the first place. It's not my house it's his house, and no one beside me is my family. It's all his family. I don't belong here. I already don't belong at the Christmas celebrations my own family throws, how could I belong in his?
I can understand that he didn't want me to feel lonely on this particular night. He was there by my side last year. He ditched the party to make me feel loved and he succeeded. Well, he didn't make me feel like I was that needed in the world but he made me love Christmas for once. It was the first christmas I found myself enjoying it. By looking at everyone else surrounding me in the room and their content look on their face, it's also going to be the only time.
I just wish to run away. I wish to leave everyone in his family to be happy without me. I can see the looks on their faces when they look at me. They suddenly turn quite awkward and they just don't know what to say anymore. Why am I even here when I make everyone so uncomfortable?
As I am looking at him, at my beautiful boyfriend hanging the decoration with his name on to their tree, I can't help but see that there is an ornament that still hasn't been hung up. This can't be real. There really is someone else in this family that is going to show up and look at me like I'm the only one disturbing the party.
I am so caught up in my anxiety that I barely acknowledge everyone giving my lover space so he can come near me. I can hardly see past my tears to see him get on one knee but I can hear just enough to hear his words. To hear him asking me to marry him and to hear my own shaky voice say yes. His hug calms me just enough for me to see his mom hanging an ornament with my name on the family tree.
I can understand that he didn't want me to feel lonely on this particular night. He was there by my side last year. He ditched the party to make me feel loved and he succeeded. Well, he didn't make me feel like I was that needed in the world but he made me love Christmas for once. It was the first christmas I found myself enjoying it. By looking at everyone else surrounding me in the room and their content look on their face, it's also going to be the only time.
I just wish to run away. I wish to leave everyone in his family to be happy without me. I can see the looks on their faces when they look at me. They suddenly turn quite awkward and they just don't know what to say anymore. Why am I even here when I make everyone so uncomfortable?
As I am looking at him, at my beautiful boyfriend hanging the decoration with his name on to their tree, I can't help but see that there is an ornament that still hasn't been hung up. This can't be real. There really is someone else in this family that is going to show up and look at me like I'm the only one disturbing the party.
I am so caught up in my anxiety that I barely acknowledge everyone giving my lover space so he can come near me. I can hardly see past my tears to see him get on one knee but I can hear just enough to hear his words. To hear him asking me to marry him and to hear my own shaky voice say yes. His hug calms me just enough for me to see his mom hanging an ornament with my name on the family tree.