Concrete Wall

Ben’s Point of View

What is this all about?
Settle down please don't yell or shout
The landlord, he lives downstairs
We'll get evicted, please don't be too loud

Danny laughed and tried to tell me one of his countless drinking stories with his loud booming voice while I got more and more nervous about the whole situation I found myself in. Of course the story was hilarious, that was out of question.
The thing was, my Dad slept right below my room and hell would break loose if he woke up from us being as loud as we were now. He had been completely wasted this afternoon, chugging down one bottle of whisky after another. He’s been doing this for years, basically since I could remember. My Mom had left us when I was little and my Dad blamed me. To cut a long story short: He would be horribly hung over when he woke up and incredibly pissed too, because of all the noise we made. If he then found out that Danny was here, there would be no way that we could get out of this without being beaten up by him. I just wanted to avoid this.
Just before Danny could continue with his story I tried to shush him.
“Sh Dan, please be quiet. I don’t want my Dad to wake up” I said shyly, my voice barely a whisper. I had always been shy, my voice always quiet. Danny, on the other side, was the complete contrary. He was loud, out-going and totally self-confident. People never knew why he dated me and to be honest: I didn’t know either.
“Sorry, Babe” he said and pecked my lips. I smiled a little, looking down. We were currently sitting on my bed, cross-legged, facing each other. It was about three in the morning and I was getting tired again. I had originally already been in bed, when I got a text from Danny to open my window for him, so he could climb in. I had been scared that Dad would catch us, but did it nonetheless. We had been talking ever since and I really loved Danny’s company, but sometimes he just got on my nerves with his confident nature. His home was perfectly fine, unlike mine, and he never had to care whether his parents would be angry or not. They didn’t mind me staying over whereas my Dad would probably kill me if he found out I was gay and let my boyfriend inside his house at night. Danny just couldn’t understand that my Dad wouldn’t accept us if he knew about our relationship.
“Please don’t be too loud” I whispered and squeezed his hand, suddenly scared that my Dad would come in and hurt him.
“It’s ok, baby. I just didn’t think about it. I’m sorry” He said, smiling at me reassuringly.

You say I'm passive aggressive
How can I not be, when your always talking at me
You say I'm unresponsive
And here you are talking over me

“No!” I whisper shouted into my phone as I tried to talk back to my boyfriend. Danny and I had been together for some time now, openly to anyone, except my Dad. We would hang out, sometimes alone, sometimes with Cam, James and Sam. Dan would talk me casually into letting him through my window at night. This was one of those times, but my Dad hadn’t been in bed for long yet and I wasn’t sure whether he was already asleep. It was only 10 pm and he hadn’t been drinking so much today. I didn’t want to risk that he caught us, but Danny loved the danger that came with it.
“Please, Benny” he pleaded and I could picture him giving me his most adorable puppy eyes. I just shook my head, patience growing thin.
“No, for fuck’s sake! Danny, this is no joke.” I hissed and hoped my Dad didn’t hear. The house was not really good isolated and that definitely complicated things for Danny and me.
“Stop being so aggressive towards me. Geez, I just want to spend some time with my boyfriend!” Danny yelled. I gave a start when I heard his voice coming in through the thin glass of the window. I bet my Dad could hear him too if he was still awake. I just prayed he didn’t get the idea that he should have a look at whoever was outside our house.
“Dan, sh! I also want to spend time with you, you know that. It’s just that my Dad would seriously kill both of us if he heard us…” I trailed off and shuddered at the thought of being caught. I knew that Dad would beat me senseless and that I would probably have more bruises than I could count. I couldn’t tell what he would do to Danny though. Would he just make him leave so he could abuse me? Or would he also beat him up? I just didn’t want Danny to get hurt, but somehow he didn’t see that.
“Bullshit, Ben! What’s the matter with you?” Danny asked desperately, not understanding my problem at all. I could hear a strangled sob and my eyes grew wide. “You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” I could hear the tears in his words and my mouth hung open. How could he even think such things?
“No, I’m not! I love you, Danny. You know that.” I said and tried to calm him down. “You just don’t know my Dad.”
“It’s always about your Dad! Why don’t you just tell him to fuck off and leave you alone? It’s not even about us anymore, Ben! It’s all about you and your Dad! You’re just ashamed of me, that’s what you are! You’re not even really talking to me anymore! Am I that embarrassing Ben? Am I?” I was sobbing by now and not caring about waking my Dad, I threw my door open, ran down the stairs and out of the house. Danny was sitting on the pavement, looking confused and upset, with tears streaming down his face. I ran to his side, letting myself fall down next to him and just hugged him close. Turning his head, so he faced me, I planted my lips on his, immediately deepening the kiss that both needed so desperately. What I hadn’t seen in my rush to be with Danny was that the light in my Dad’s bedroom was being turned on.
Danny pulled me closer by my waist, making me practically straddle him. Just in that moment it started to rain, but neither of us cared. We just wanted to be together. For me, it was the most perfect kiss ever. We were both completely lost in each other’s presence as the rain poured down at us, soaking our clothes. My hands were tangled in Danny’s hair as his were securely locked around my waist, tightening their grip, as the kiss grew more passionate.
“BENJAMIN FUCKING BRUCE!” A loud voice boomed through the night. I jumped away from Danny, my face drained of all color and terror in my eyes. Danny looked up at me with a shocked expression. Shit.
“You faggot!” My Dad shouted, making me wince.
“Go” I whispered to Danny, who had taken a hold of my hand by now.
“Ben-“ he started, but I shook my head ever so slightly, tears running down my face.
“Fucking go, Danny. Run home, don’t look back. I’ll see you in school” I said and wrenched by hand free from his grip, just as my Dad gripped a fistful of my hair, dragging me behind him.
“Ben!” Danny yelled.
“GO!” I shouted back at him as he took two steps in the direction of our front door. “Go, Dan!”

You make me wanna throw this shoe right through that concrete wall
Maybe you should pack your things,
If it’s that dreadful
Then just leave it all

I hadn’t been in school for three days, as I found out when I woke up. I had several unanswered calls and unread messages on my phone, most of them from Danny, sounding more frantic with each he had sent. Some of them were from Sam and James, probably also worrying about me.
I had been unconscious since the night when Dad had beat me up because I was gay. It was the worst beating I had ever received and he clearly had never been so mad, calling me a fag, a pussy, worthless. He hadn’t thrown me out yet, but that would just be a matter of time, I could tell. Maybe I could live at Danny’s? His parents liked me well enough.
A second glance at the clock told me that it was half past six in the morning. I groaned and sat up from the hard floor I had been lying on. Tears streamed down my face, everything was hurting. I stood up and winced at the pain. Stumbling over to the mirror, I tried not to fall, what was harder said than done. What I saw made me stop and stare in disbelief. My whole face was black and blue, swollen because of the many bruises my Dad left. Dried blood stuck to the left side of my face, trailed down from a gash near my forehead. My torso wasn’t much better. I carefully poked it a bit, to see how much it would hurt. I winced at the small poke I gave my rips and my eyes started to water again. I just hoped they weren’t broken. I peeled myself out of my sticky pajama pants I had been wearing for three days and went to take a shower, washing the blood and tears and sweat from my body. My muscles relaxed a bit as the hot water hit my back and I gave a small sigh of content. I wished Danny was here, so I could lean on him and kiss him and hug him, but I guess that just had to wait. Hopefully he still wanted to be with me, but I thought that it was a good sign that he had tried to call and text me so often since that night.
I got out of the shower and dressed, feeling a bit better. I still looked horrible, but I just knew that people at school wouldn’t ask, except for my friends. They knew I weren’t exactly on good terms with my father, but they didn’t know how bad it could really get. I sighed at what they could think of me. They probably didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. A tear escaped my watering eyes and I quickly wiped it away. I was just pathetic. Once dressed, I went into the bathroom to cover the worst of the bruises with light foundation, so they wouldn’t be that visible anymore.

I arrived at school with still a little over ten minutes to spare. A tiny smile spread across my face as I saw my friends standing in front of the building. I saw James pointing at me in the most exciting way, jumping up and down while doing so. I laughed a bit at his goofiness, while making my way over to them. Danny immediately ran over to me and gave me a bone-crushing hug, making me groan at the pain in my torso.
“Shit, Baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t wanna hurt you…” I cut off his apologies by pressing my lips to his. I’d missed this so much, while being in and out of consciousness. Danny automatically responded, comforting me with his touch. His hands found their spot on my hips and he pulled me closer to him. My arms reached up to his neck, one hand resting on his shoulder, the other buried in his ginger locks. After a few moments he pulled away and looked into my eyes before studying the rest of my face with a look of horror.
“Ben…” he trailed off. One of his hands reached to touch my face. I winced at the contact as his fingers ghosted over the cut next to my left eyes and the many bruises that weren’t clearly visible, thanks to the foundation. Tears formed in my eyes and Danny just let them fall, too shocked to wipe them off my face like he normally did when something upset me.
“I’m sorry” I sobbed and tried to pull him closer to me again. I just wanted to be near him and hug him and cuddle him, forgetting about all of this. Danny took a step back, though. I looked up at him with big sad eyes, tears still spilling from them. He just refused me. He didn’t want to be near him, he probably thought I was disgusting. I started crying even harder, collapsing to the ground. He had just kissed me a few moments ago.
“I didn’t know it was that bad” I heard Danny whisper. I looked up at him, suddenly feeling a hate towards him that I couldn’t even explain. He knew that my home was shitty and that I had a hard time with my Dad, but he had never believed me. I stood up and picked up my messenger bag.
“Well, I told you I’m a fucking mess. If it’s too bad for you, then just pack your things and go. Get out of my life. Leave me the fuck alone before I throw something at you” I growled, looking him dead in the eyes, before I stepped around him and left him standing there, walking into school without another word.