Concrete Wall

Danny’s Point of View

Don't wanna keep on sharing my bed,
With someone that I have to love less, and less
Every time I try to make you smile
You say that I'm being a child
Well I tried my best

“You remember that one time when I ran against that shop window?” I said laughing and looked at Ben. He had the most unimpressed look on his face. I tried to make him laugh for about an hour now, bringing up memories and jokes we had shared together but nothing seemed to work.
After that incident at school a week ago we had talked and made up, and Ben just moved in at mine. My parents didn’t mind having him here; they liked him and were glad that they can help him. I was perfectly happy because, honestly, I just loved Ben so much. I didn’t want him to go back to his father’s, so we just went there back once to get his stuff a few days ago. I knew it took some time for him to get used to this new situation, but I tried to make him as comfortable as I could. We shared my room and my bed, for that matter. I was happy to cuddle up to him every night and fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him in the morning.
This afternoon I was just trying to get him to laugh, because I loved his laugh and I knew he didn’t have a good laugh in quite some time, but somehow he just seemed annoyed with me.
“Danny, you were drunk. And it wasn’t even funny, I had to get you to the hospital in fear that you might have a concussion.” he said and rolled his eyes at me. I sighed and hugged him, kissing his forehead. Suddenly an idea formed in my mind and an evil smile spread across my face. Instead of completely pulling out of the embrace, my hands halted at his rips and I started to tickle him, making him squirm beneath me as I straddled him.
“Dan, stop it!” he screeched but I just giggled and continued. He tried to get free somehow, but wasn’t successful. His breathing got heavy as he tried hard not to laugh.
“Oh come on, Ben! Laugh already!” I exclaimed with a laugh of my own, never ceasing my movements.
“Fucking stop it Daniel!” he shouted and I immediately stopped and got off of him. He never called me Daniel and I suddenly felt bad. Maybe his ribs were still bruised and I hurt him?
Ben got up and glared at me over his shoulder.
“Seriously, you’re such a child!” he exclaimed and left the room. A few moments later I also heard the front door slam shut and just knew that Ben wouldn’t be back until later tonight. Sometimes he took walks in the park on his own. He said it helped him think.
I still sat on my bed, picking at the fabric of my covers. What was so bad about trying to make my boyfriend laugh? Why was he annoyed? Was I really that childish? All those questions were running through my head as I tried to find a reasonable explanation for Ben’s behavior. I felt hot tears making their way down my cheeks and I let out a small sob. He probably didn’t even want to be with me. Even though Ben had said that he wasn’t seeing anyone else, I sometimes couldn’t get myself to believe him. His behavior was just so contradictory sometimes! He said he wasn’t seeing someone, except me, but then again he went to the park alone and didn’t want me to go with him. He’d said he loved me, but most of the times he shoved me away when I wanted to cuddle. I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I got up and went to my dresser and dug around until I found what I had been looking for. My bottle of whisky. My only friend that wouldn’t just let me down.
I took a great swig and enjoyed the feeling of the golden liquid that burned its way down my throat. I didn’t think that Ben knew how much I actually drank. He probably hated me if he did. I sat down on my window sill, bottle in hand and watched the sun as it disappeared to make room for the darkness that would soon take over the world. I sighed melancholy and took another gulp from the bottle.
A few hours later, the sun was completely out of view and stars were the only light left. I never left my spot on the sill, but the bottle was empty by now, so I decided that I waited long enough for Ben to return from his little trip. I didn’t even feel guilty anymore. I was just pissed that he walked out on me like that instead of telling me what was wrong. I put the bottle on my desk, not caring if Ben saw it or not. I undressed until I was just in my boxers and went to the bathroom. I couldn’t even walk straight anymore, but I didn’t care. I did my business, brushed my teeth and went to bed, curling myself into a ball under the covers. That was the moment when all my sadness about Ben leaving like that washed over me and I was a sobbing mess. The bedroom door opened but I didn’t look up. I just continued crying about my weird, fucked up life. I just couldn’t get anything right.
“Dan?” Ben’s quiet voice said. He seemed to be his shy self again. I heard some shuffling, indicating that Ben was taking off his clothes. Then the bed dipped, the covers were lifted and another body found its spot next to me.

Say that I need therapy,
Well, my darling so do you
Don't need for you to tell me
What is wrong in all I say or do

“Hey Danny” Ben whispered and stroked my shoulder, before pulling me into him. “Sh, baby…” It was cute how he tried to soothe me but I knew it wouldn’t work. I was too emotional at this state, not to mention drunk beyond any real self-control. Ben kissed my forehead and sighed quietly. He was already getting annoyed with me again, I just knew it.
“Baby, you just drank the whole bottle, didn’t you?” he asked cautiously, never letting go of me, his face still close to mine. I just nodded and buried my face in his neck, nuzzling into the warmth of my boyfriend’s body. He sighed again and kissed the top of my head.
“I’m sorry I snapped, baby. I’m just not really in the mood, ok? I know I should just try to be happy and laugh and smile, I know how much you like it. But I just can’t. My dad beat the living shit out of me, merely a week ago. I had to leave my home and the only family I had. Danny, give me some time to get used to all of this, ok? I am so happy to be here with you, believe me, but it will take some time.” Ben whispered. I just nodded. What else could I do? I loved him.
“We’ll talk about this tomorrow, ok?” he asked and tightened his grip around me. I nodded and kissed his neck to show that I still cared about him, even though I was drunk and an emotional wreck. He would break it off with me tomorrow, I could feel it. Why would he date someone as pathetic as me? It didn’t make any sense to me anymore. Fresh tears spilled from my eyes and I gripped Ben’s waist tighter as I cried myself to sleep, here and there feeling a kiss on top of my head and hearing a few calming words from Ben.

I woke up the next day with a huge hangover. I groaned and wanted to cuddle more into Ben but just then I realized that he wasn’t even in bed anymore. I tried to remember the night before but it was all a blur. Damn that whisky. My eyes popped open as I heard the door to my room crack. Ben came in with a glass of water and some painkillers. The light was too much for my eyes so I just shut them again, groaning in annoyance. I already dreaded the talk that I would have with my boyfriend about this.
“Good morning” Ben whispered as to not make it worse for me. He gently pushed some hair out of my face and I decided to open my eyes again. They revealed his beautiful face, a small smile tugging on his lips. I smiled back weakly, reached up and caressed his cheek. My eyes were fixed on his smile.
“I brought you some painkillers, I thought that you might need them…” he trailed off and waited for me to say something. He bit his bottom lip, bringing me out of my stare.
“Thanks” I said in a husky voice. He helped me sit up and gave me the water and the pills. I downed both and closed my eyes, waiting impatiently for the effect to kick in. Ben took the glass form my hands and set it down on my bedside table. He then got into the bed next to me and cuddled into my side, snaking his arms around my waist and resting his head on my chest. I put my left arm around his shoulder, pulling him a bit closer. My right hand started caressing his right arm. We just lay there for a few minutes, not saying a word, enjoying each other’s company.
“Danny, I’m really sorry about yesterday…” Ben finally whispered, breaking the silence that had been so comfortable. I planted a kiss on top of his head, before resting my head on his again.
“I know, babe. I’m sorry for drinking and pretty much overreacting.” I said, tightening my grip on him once again. I just needed him near me. Ben always gave me so much comfort; he probably didn’t even know that.
“I love you” Ben said and kissed my naked chest. I sighed in content. Ben rarely said those three words, making me appreciate them even more whenever he did.
“I love you, too, Ben. You don’t even know how much” I whispered, nuzzling my face in his messy brown hair. There was a silence again, but I felt as if there was an unasked question separating me from Ben.
“Ben?” I asked and immediately heard him say. He already knew that I felt how tense he was. I knew his mind was racing by now, trying to formulate whatever he wanted to say.
“Just be straight forward, baby.” I said reassuringly. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can sort things out.” I felt him relax at my words. He wriggled a bit and I loosened my grip on him, allowing him to move the way he wanted. He looked up at me, his right hand grabbed mine, intertwining our fingers, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. He lay our hands down on my chest, looking at them, before looking back up again. I waited patiently for him to start talking.
“Baby…” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. “I… I want you to go to a therapy.” I blinked and stared at him in disbelief. Therapy? He had to be kidding me.
“You are kidding me?” I suggested, my eyes not leaving his. They held nothing but sincerity.
“No, I’m not” he sighed. “I don’t want my boyfriend to be drunk all the time. I can’t do this again.”
“I’m not drunk all the time!” I exclaimed, knowing full well that he wasn’t too far from the truth. I didn’t plan on telling him that though.
“Baby, you know that’s not really true. You’re drunk more often than not. Please, let me help you” he whispered. “You’re everything I have” I swallowed. I knew I probably shouldn’t bring that up, but if he wanted me to get help, than he needed to get help too.
“What about you?” I said silently, studying his face. Ben furrowed his eyebrows, looking at me confused.
“What about me?” he asked back, a bit too defensive for my liking.
“Ben, I’m not stupid. I did notice that you have a considerable lack of sleep and that you don’t eat so much anymore. You always have this sad expression on your face and your eyes don’t hold the same light anymore than they did just a few months back.” I explained calmly to him, rubbing my hand up and down his back. He sighed and looked away. “Ben, I know my behavior is often totally out of place, but don’t you think, you should also pay attention to yourself sometimes?” He nodded and tears fell from his eyes. I squeezed his hand and let it go to wipe away his tears. I cupped his cheek and leant in to kiss him.

Please don't try to throw this shoe right through that concrete wall,
Maybe you should pack your things,
If it’s that dreadful
Then just leave it all

“Just fucking go if you can’t put up with me anymore!” I yelled and threw the nearest thing I could grab, which happened to be one of my Converse, at Ben. He ducked and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
It had been two months, since Ben and I got ourselves professional help. It wasn’t always easy, but until now we had been sure that we could pull through this together. The problem with that was that we just got into a major argument. Ben did well with his depression, making huge progresses. I was the problem here and I knew it. I didn’t drink anymore but since I couldn’t just drown my problems in alcohol, like I usually did when it got too much, I encountered my depressive side. The little voice that normally had made me drink now just told me how pathetic I was and that I shouldn’t be alive anymore. I just had a mental breakdown that smoothly became an aggressive outburst when ben told me that sometimes he thought that we weren’t gonna make it. I needed him to believe in us though, because his belief was what kept me strong.
Once again I was a crying mess on the floor and words couldn’t describe how sorry I was for being like that towards Ben. I loved him still, there was no one more important for me in my life, except for my parents maybe. I couldn’t lose him. I just couldn’t.
The door opened again and revealed Ben, who cautiously looked into the room to see whether it was safe to enter. He saw me on the floor and was immediately at my side, pulling me to sob into his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Ben” I cried and threw my arms around his waist, holding on tight as if he would let me go any second.
“I know, babe” he whispered. We held onto each other and just cried. Ben kissed the top of my head as I nuzzled my face into his neck.
“Baby?” he asked and I looked up at him, eyes still wet from the tears I just shed. “I think we need some time away from each other. I know it’ll be hard, I won’t find it easy either, but I’m moving to my aunt’s for a few weeks. We need some distance, baby” he explained as my grip on his waist got tighter and I just cried into his shoulder. He didn’t want me anymore. It’d been too much. He would never come back for me. He would find another guy and be happy. I wanted Ben to be happy. I just nodded, signaling that I understood.
“When?” I croaked and I felt him kiss the side of my head.
“Tomorrow”
I looked up and caught him in a passionate kiss. I would make this last night worthwhile.