Don't Call This Love

We sat in silence for awhile. I was curled up on the sofa sipping my tea. Snape was on the other side of the room, in the old arm chair, reading a book. I kept glancing around the room, waiting for him to look up and make eye contact. He never did…I peered down into my cup, it was almost empty. I knew once all my tea was gone, so was my reason for staying in the room with Snape.

I took one more long look around the room and stopped at the wall of old ragged books beside Snape’s chair. I had always wondered what sort of books my potions teacher read. I mostly suspected assorted How-To Guides for torturing children. But as far as I could tell, he didn’t own any such thing.

All of his books were very aged. They were all bound in black or brown leather, they were all very worn.

My curiosity was getting the best of me and I decided in one brave motion to further inspect my teacher’s literature tastes. I stood up and started walking towards the bookcase. Snape’s eyes briefly left his book and followed me as I walked to his side.

I glanced out of the corner of my eye at him as I stretched up for a book. When I saw him watching me, for some silly reason, I decided I wanted to look at a book much higher than what I was originally going for.So I tried as hard as I could to stretch myself out, I was on the tips on my toes and I almost had the book in my hand when suddenly, I lost my balance.
A small cry escaped my lips as I toppled over the side of Snape’s chair, and fell directly onto his lap as I tried to shield my head with my arms from the falling book. Snape made a sort of involuntary sound, a cross between a gasp and a grunt, as I landed. I was immediately embarrassed and quickly covered my face.

When I moved my fingers and peered through them, I saw Snape looking down at me, with a sort of smirk twisted on his face. I smiled for a moment and apologized, “Professor….I am….so sorry….” I said as I tried to move. And just as luck would have it, trying to get myself off Snape, actually made me lose my balance again and almost fall for a second time. But this time, Snape caught me.

He had one arm firmly around my waist, and his other was supporting me behind my shoulders. He slowly pulled me away from the floor and back towards himself. I looked up at him prepared with another apology on my lips when I realized, just how close we really were. There was not but maybe four inches between our faces once I had turned around.

My breath was abruptly caught in my throat, and I could not have spoken if I wanted to.

Snape’s eyes showed a sudden surprise, as he gazed down at me. Then his look turned more into a look of dismay once he assessed the situation. I kept intense eye contact with him, daring him to look away from me. Snape did break eye contact, however, but only for a moment, when he glanced down at my lips.
I was a little taken back, but for some reason, I wasn’t too surprised as to where this was hinting. I returned the favor, glancing down at his lips and then looking back into his eyes. He leaned a bit closer and I did the same.

Time was standing still, it was almost a perfect moment.

Almost.

Just as I closed my eyes, Snape, I guess you could say, came to his senses. He pulled away from me quickly and sat straight up in his chair. I looked down at the floor away from him and sighed. Snape cleared his throat and I took that as my cue to go. Snape let go of me as I moved to stand up. He didn’t say anything to me as I walked away.

The house was completely silent the rest of the night.

I sat on my bed with my arms crossed over my knees. I thought about everything. And I do mean everything. I contemplated my whole existence in that little room, as I waited for sleep to overtake me.

During my melancholy pondering, a light tapping on my window interrupted my thoughts. I jumped off my bed to quickly open it. “Hemera!” I smiled and my owl flew inside. Hemera cooed back at my greeting. She stuck out her leg and I untied a small note. I unrolled it carefully. I knew who it was from, it was the answer I had been awaiting for almost a month. I was relived to finally hear back from Professor Dumbledore.

But I was also terrified.

Because I knew I hadn’t chosen the easy way out.

I knew I had chosen the right path.

But I was just as likely to die along this one, if not more likely.

I looked down at the paper and slowly read what was written.

I understand completely. I know you are staying with Severus until school starts and that you wish to leave immediately if not sooner. However, given the circumstances, I am afraid our meeting will have to take place once you have already been escorted to the castle for the start of the term. It is too risky to send you out at the moment. I will see you soon Ms. Lestrange. Take care.

~ Albus Dumbledore

I let out a deep breath and rolled the letter back up.

I placed it on the bedside table and then closed the window. Hemera flew to the bird stand on the far dresser and closed her eyes. I smiled at her and sat down on my bed. I looked at the letter one last time, the I blew out the candle, allowing everything in the room to go dark. I crawled into bed hoping for a peaceful sleep.

Though, that wasn’t exactly what I got.

**Snape’s POV**

I looked up at the clock for the fifteenth time in the last hour. It was a quarter till midnight. It had been almost four hours since the incident with Raeanne. It had almost been four hours since she quietly walked away from me. I should have said something. Anything! I could have made the situation better….or I could’ve ended up making it worse.

The latter was more likely. I rested my face in my hands as I mentally scolded myself. What was I even doing letting it get that far? How stupid am I? She’s a student! I could lose my job. She could get expelled.

She did seem a bit interested in me thought, didn’t she? No! Stop! I will not think about a student in that manner.

And even if she did feel something for me, surely after tonight, it will be long gone.

I stood up and started to walk upstairs when I noticed a fallen book beside my chair. It was the book Raeanne had tried to get earlier, but dropped when she fell. I bent over and gingerly picked it up, turning it over to read the cover, “Natural Magic, Potions and Powers from the Magical Garden. How boring.” I chuckled out loud to myself. ‘Surely she meant for another book’ I thought standing back up and moving to but the book away back in it’s proper place, when a thought struck me.

Maybe she did mean to get this book. It couldn’t hurt to check right? Maybe she was still up. I could just go up and give this to her right? And if she’s asleep, I’ll lay it down on the table beside her. I need to check on her anyway. She is after all in my care. It didn’t take long to talk myself into going up to see her.

Which is something I’m not exactly proud to admit, But nonetheless. I climbed the staircase and walked to the end of the hall towards her door. I knocked on it lightly, but no answer came. I slowly turned to doorknob and lightly pushed the door open.

“Raeanne?” I whispered. But no one responded.

I walked inside the room, it was pitch black dark, the only light in the room, was spilling in from the hallway. I could hear, what sounded like muffled cries. They got louder the closer I stepped towards the bed. “Raeanne?” I asked a bit louder setting down the book. She still didn’t respond.

By the time I reached her bedside, I realized she was in the middle of a nightmare. She was tossing and twitching in her sleep. She whimpered and let out a painful cry into her pillow every so often. It was a horrible sight, and it pained me to see her like that. So I tried gently shaking her, “Raeanne, wake up! It’s just a dream.” But she still would not stir from her sleep. “Raeanne!” I said almost shouting. Still no reaction.This time I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up while I yelled, “Raeanne! Wake up!”

Her eyes immediately opened and filled with tears as she flung her arms around my neck in a desperate hug. I was stunned for a moment. This was the most human contact I’d had in a long time. I didn’t know how to react at first, but then, it all sort of became natural. I stroked her hair and held onto her with one arm, “Shhh, quiet down you silly girl. It was only a dream. Shhh. Calm down.” I repeated. Raeanne’s whimpers grew less and less until they finally stopped. I let go of her and attempted to lay her back down in the bed, but she would not release the grip she held on my neck.

“Don’t leave me.” She whispered.

I sighed in defeat. There was no way I could leave her like this. And I knew it.

I gathered her up in my arms and carried her to my room. If I was going to have to share a bed with anyone, it might as well be the bigger bed.

I kicked the door open as I tried to balance her weight, then I cautiously stepped into the darkness of my room.

My room was at least four degrees colder than the rest of the house. There was one large window on the wall facing the bed. I usually kept the heavy curtains drawn closed over it. It was safe to say, that no light had been shining in this room for almost twenty years.

The floorboards squeaked under me as I walked to the bed. I then pulled back the covers and gently laid her down. I half expected her to hold onto me like before, but she had already fallen back asleep. I stood there for a moment, debating if I should go sleep somewhere else, or stay with her.

I knew it was probable that she could fall into the same nightmare again. And she had asked me to stay. I ran my fingers through my hair and then started unbuttoning my robes. I left on the trousers and simple black shirt I had on underneath. I walked over to the other side of the bed and almost fell into the mattress.

Today had been stressful.

This week had been stressful.

These months had been stressful.

These years had been stressful.

And as I turned over and faced Raeanne, I knew my life was about to get even more stressful.