Eye's Like a Car Crash

The sun was peaking in through the curtain and it was enough to wake me up. It was a cold morning. I slid out of bed and walked out of the room and into the kitchen. It was quiet in the flat, I felt sick to my stomach when I realized what I was going to do. Today was the day I'd leave Austin for good. Today was when everything would change for the better. Or at least I hope so. I put on a kettle of tea to help put me at ease and went to the cupboard to see if Han had any thing to eat. I picked out a roll she had and put some jelly on it.
"Good morning Oli"
I'd completely forgotten that Josh had stayed the night. His morning voice was hot if I could say. His hair was a mess, going in all sorts of directions.
"Hey Josh do you want some tea?"
"Sure thanks, where's Hannah?"
"Probably at work she won't be home till later on"
"Ah well I don't have work or class today so you wanna do something?"
"I'd like to but I have to go run some errands maybe after alright?"
"Cool sounds good"
We drunk our tea and skipped through the channels on TV to find something to watch. I waited to leave until I knew that Austin wouldn't be home. His schedule always gave him the same days and times to work which is good, that way I don't have to run into him. I called a cab to come pick me up and we headed to my old home. It was a short drive because there was very little traffic. The closer I got to entering the house and to opening the door the more my heart sank. The good and bad memories hit me like a train. Opening the door I looked into the kitchen to make sure no one was there. I went into the room we shared and took the duffle bag I kept in the closet. I put it on the bed and took out all my clothes from the closet and the drawers. I took all the other things that were mine in another bag.
"Who the fuck are you!"
I stopped what I was doing and looked up. Surprisingly he didn't scare me. It's good because I probably would've thrown half my shit across the room if he did.
"I live here who are you? And why are you in my towel?"
"I'm Alan, I spent the night here and I just got out the shower. Now answer my question."
"I'm Oliver I'm just gonna getting my shit and I'll be out."
"Why is your stuff in Austin's room?"
This kid must be really stupid to be asking that question.
"Put the pieces of the puzzle together kid I'm sure you can figure it out"
Trying to get past him he put his arm out stopped me. His orange hair fell into his eyes and he had a look of confusion on his face.
"Wait are you and Austin together?"
"We were, past tense now he's all yours, some useful advice leave before you're in to deep"
"No, no Austin wouldn't do that, he wouldn't cheat on me. I know him, he's not like that"
"Correction he cheated on me with you and trust me you don't know what he's capable of. So let me leave now"
"One more thing. What do you mean I should leave now before I'm in to deep?"
"Just look at my arm and think about it"
I walked out not looking back. I put my key on the table and made sure I had everything I needed because god knows I'd never come back here. The taxi driver was still waiting for me and of course he was running the meter while waiting. It's okay I took the cash Austin had hidden so the driver would get a hefty tip today. I actually felt bad for the kid, hopefully he got the point of what I was trying to tell him. I wonder if Austin would come chasing after me, aggressively or if he'd forget me like has for the last two days. Regardless I was out and I was never going back to him. Not ever.
As hard as I tried to shake it I did still have feelings for him, at least the good part of him. Still there was no excuse for what he did to me. As much as I'd like to hate him I couldn't see my self doing it. If I ever got the chance hurt him like he did to me, I wouldn't because that's not the type of person I am.
I still remember the day I met him. It was in chemistry class, first period. He was new to the school and had no one to talk to or sit with. Of course being the least popular kid in the class I asked if he wanted to sit with me and he did. He was nervous and looked like a lost puppy. It was cute at the moment. I never really realized how much things can change once you got to know someone. A part of me wishes I would've never asked him to sit with me. That I never got the courage to talk to him outside of class or even go on that first date with him. If I knew what he'd put me through later on I would've ran away. He did mean so much to me. It was him and Hannah that helped me recover from my self harm. They were both there the nights I couldn't sleep because of how bad my mind got.
"We're here sir"
The taxi driver said snapping me out of my day dream.
"Oh yea here keep the change"
"This is a lot kid you sure?"
"Yea it's not my money so I don't care"
"Thanks, let me help you with your bags"
Opening the door the nice driver helped me inside and put the bags down. Saying goodbye I closed the door behind him. It was silent and I guessed no one was home. I took my bags to the room and sat on the bed. My phone began to ring and it's hum filled the room. I took it out of my pocket and saw who was calling. No one else but Austin. I hesitated answering, fearing the conversation coming. At the last ring I got enough courage to answer it.
"H-hello?"
"Oliver where the fuck have you been? I expect you to be home and I get a call saying you got your things and left, who do you think you are? Get your shit and bring it back home now"
His tone was aggressive and I could feel his anger through the phone. Stuttering I answered him.
"N-no Austin. I'm not going back, you cheated on me and you hurt me multiple times. You're on your own now."
"I never hurt you, you bring it upon yourself you stupid fuck. You always manage to screw things up, you never do anything right and I didn't cheat you"
"Yes you did! I saw Alan all over you at the theater and he was at your house in a towel and he stayed the night, And you never hurt me? then explain how you fucking broke my arm Austin, explain the bruises on my ribs, explain how you tried to have sex with me after I said no"
Everything was spinning and for the millionth time that week the tears came pouring down. My head felt light, my arms were aching and the air grew thick around me.
"Austin I'm never coming back, I'm done with the same vicious cycle that always happens, have a nice life with Alan"
I hung up and threw my phone across the room. It rang again, but it just sat there on the floor moving only when the vibration made it move. Crashing my body into the bed I pulled the covers onto my self to feel some comfort. I felt my body shake as I wanted to scream as loud as possible but couldn't get it out. My arms went numb and the urge, after years of beating it, it came like a tidal wave crashing onto me.
All I wanted was that one sweet kiss from silver lips. The need to see crimson red pour from my arms was intoxicating my veins, pumping and filling them with fresh blood ready to ooze out.
In my bag was a smaller one with random things in it, one of them being a sharpener with the screw loosened. It remained untouched for a really long time but it'll be of some use right now. Lightly I traced my old scars with the blade, contemplating what I was going to do. All the pent up anger and sadness that had been there will finally be gone. Pushing down on my wrist I dragged the blade across my arm opening my skin. I went deeper on the next cut, the blood ran down my hand dripping on the floor. Over and over again I tore into my skin, each laceration sure to leave one hell of a scar. The blade was stained red and my arms were aching. But that same relief a razor could give suddenly overcame me. I sat there for a bit, comfortably numb.
"Hannah? Oli? Anyone home?"
Shit, Josh was here. He knocked on my door and waited for a response.
"Oli you there?"
"Uh yeah just got in"
I scrambled around trying to clean things up but with a broken arm and one with cuts all over it, made it impossible. Both arms made it painful to even move. I'd really fucked my self up this time. I struggled to put a long sleeved shirt on and decided to just drape it on my arm. I opened the door just a bit fearing he'd see something.
"What's up?"
"I just woke up from the best nap, you wanna go get a bite to eat?"
"No thanks I'm not really hungry"
"Oh well are you okay? You don't look to good"
"I'm fine Josh okay? I don't need you and Hannah constantly checking on me to make sure I'm fine. I'm a big boy I can take care of my self. For fuck sake I don't even know you that well why do you even care? I don't need your help get that through your head! I don't need anyone."
My eyes began to water and my voice broke showing my weakness. I held my tears back but you could tell from the look on my face that I was lying.
"Oli what did you to yourself?"
My face flushed, I didn't even notice I'd dropped my shirt while yelling at him.
"Did you hurt yourself? Oh god let me get something to stop the bleeding"
He walked away and I slid down to the floor where I was standing. He came back with a gauze and started to clean up my arm. He wrapped it around the cuts and made sure the bleeding had stopped. He didn't look at me, I don't think he could. When he was done he just sat there across from me.
"Please don't tell Han she can't find out, promise me"
"I'm sorry but I can't, she's your best friend Oli she can help you through what ever happened, if you cant tell me you can tell her"
He was right. At some point in time I'd have to tell her. And I can't just sit here and not give Josh and explanation. I did need to tell someone. Anyone for that matter.
"I left Austin today. He used to hit me a lot when ever I did something that made him mad, that's how I broke my arm. He tried to rape me that night to. He also cheated on me. He constantly hurt me and I just took it, fucking hell I'm so stupid? Josh why are you so nice to me? I'm not good enough for anyone but you're always really nice"
"Don't you ever say that about yourself Oli. Austin is the one that's not good enough for you, I'm nice because I really like you. I saw the pain and fear in your eyes when I first met you and it killed me and it still does. Oli please don't suffer in silence."
"I'm so sorry Josh I didn't mean to drag into my shitty life"
"It's okay Oli don't worry about it"
He scooted over to where I was and put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, we stayed like that for a little. He rubbed my back making sure I was okay. He got up and extended his hand out to me, slowly I grabbed it, my arm was burning from the cuts. I got up and looked him in the eyes.
"Thanks Josh, for everything. I'll tell Hannah"
"We can tell her together alright?"
His eyes were soft and beautiful. He looked directly at mine and he half smiled. I put my mutilated arms around him and pulled him towards me even though it hurt like hell, it felt right. While looking into his eyes I crashed my lips onto his. Surprised he hesitated before kissing me back. Pushing him onto the wall, his hands made their way to my slim waste. Feeling every inch of him, one of his hands ran its fingers through my hair. His touch, his taste, and his embrace, were pure bliss. After a good minute of intensely kissing we had to pull apart for air. He just looked at me and smiled that same toothy smile he always had.
"I'm sorry I don't know why I did that"
"No it's okay, it was nice"
He put his arms around me and pulled me into him, while I rested my head on his shoulder. I never realized how good he smelled up until now.
"Why don't we make something to eat?"
"I'm not a good cook though, all I know how to do is make ramen noodles"
"That's alright, I can teach you to make a vegan pizza"
"Ew healthy food"
"Oh shut up I know you'll like it"
Josh helped me put a sweater on so I wouldn't get sick, which is what Hannah would say. They really are related. He got changed out of his sweats real quick and we made our way down the stairs. The sun was going down and the for the first time I really noticed how beautiful it looked. Sometimes the smallest thing can bring a sense of peace. The walk to the corner store didn't take so long, I guess it's because I enjoyed being around Josh. I actually forgot about the pain in my arms, most likely because Josh was carrying the two bags we had. We walked in silence, the sound of cars and pedestrians filling our ears. The silence between us was comfortable.
"Erm do you wanna stay another night? You could show me your bands music"
"I'd love too, I don't mind another night on the couch it's not that uncomfortable"
"Well if you want, maybe you could sleep in my bed if you'd like, I just want you to be comfortable"
"Yea why not we can keep each other warm"
He smiled at me and took my hand in his. I could get use to him doing that.