Sonogram

The sunshine yellow walls and easy-listening music did absolutely nothing to ease Logan’s nerves. This restless sense of anxiety that coursed throughout his body was something completely foreign to him. He’d never experienced the so-called stage fright, but that probably because he’d been performing in some sense of the word for as long as he could remember. Sometimes he got nervous, sure, but it wasn’t anything a quick internal pep talk couldn’t solve. It had never turned him into the wreck that he was now.

Fingers tapped erratically against the wooden arm of his chair, and her brown eyes darted towards him. He knew she wouldn’t say anything here in the waiting room in front of other people, but from that pointed look alone, he knew he should probably settle down. These days, it seemed like it was ridiculously easy for him to wind up on her bad side.

His gaze drifted down to the magazine in her grip. “What’re you reading?”

She pursed her lips before her eyes met his. “Some article about what baby names are trendy right now.” A long-winded sigh brushed past her lips.

“I’m gonna guess that you’re not sold on any of them,” he prompted with a laugh.

“Nope,” she replied. “It’s all about names from Twilight and The Hunger Games. ‘Jacob’’s cute, but if I named our kid ‘Katniss’ or ‘Peeta,’ that would be basically guaranteeing they got their ass kicked everyday.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that one…” His eyes wandered to the poster on the wall across from him. It featured a smiling, curly-headed little boy and a warning to parents about the importance of vaccinations. Logan couldn’t help but clutch the arms of his chair.

Truthfully, the fact that he was going to be a father hadn’t really set in until the night before. He was perfectly aware that they were having a baby, but in his mind, a baby was just something that had to be cared for, like a dog or the ficus tree he’d kept in his room back when he was sharing an apartment with James. He never stopped to consider the fact that their baby wouldn’t stay a baby forever, that he or she would grow up into their own person, with their own personality, wants, and dreams. The responsibility of shaping another human being was overwhelming, to say the least.

“We’re supposed to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl tomorrow,” she’d announced as she plopped onto the bed beside him, her cheek pressed against the pillowcase and her arms folded beneath the pillow. “I mean, they could’ve told us sooner, but I wanted to wait until you were there with me, and you’ve been so busy lately…”

“I know, I know,” he replied with a sigh as he stared up at the ceiling, and that was the moment when it hit him. The next morning, he’d know for sure if he was going to have a son or a daughter, and just the concept alone was mind-boggling.

But he’d refused to let her catch a glimpse of just how nervous he really was, so he forced a smile. “So it’s pink or blue, yeah?”

“Mhm,” she murmured as she let her eyes fall closed. “Between you and me, which one are you rooting for?”

Logan hadn’t gotten that far yet. “Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me.” He stopped to consider the matter for a second before adding, “Well…I guess when it comes down to it, a boy would be easier.”

“That’s what I was thinking too.” The nervous waver of her laughter sprinkled the space between them. “A little girl would be more fun to dress through.” She turned onto her side to face him. “Plus, you could do the whole intimidating dad thing and scare away all of her little boyfriends.”

He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as he ran a hand through his espresso-colored locks. “As fun as that sounds, I just feel like it would be tough, and I’d be outnumbered by women.”

Just talking with her like this made his anxiety fade away, made the daunting task of parenthood seem easier somehow, but as soon as she fell asleep, Logan was back to staring at the ceiling while his thoughts raced. After a long night spent tossing and turning beneath the sheets, he was scared shitless.

And here he was, back at square one as he tried to pass time in the waiting room. Every single time one of the nurses came to the door to call back another patient, Logan felt like his heart was going to leap right out of his chest.

Kandi offered him that knowing smile of hers and let her hand rest against his because, if the past twelve hours had been hard for him, he couldn’t even begin to imagine how she’d managed to make it through the last six months.

But then again, it wasn’t as if this pregnancy had been a total cakewalk for her either. The cocktail of hormones coursing through her veins and the array of changes her body was going through had turned her into an emotional wreck, and he could’ve sworn that he’d seen her cry more in the last six months than he had in the entire three years that they’d been together. As much as he tried his hardest to be supportive and console her, there was one time when he’d walked in on her sobbing over a cereal commercial and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from laughing.

But she’d managed to get past that initial shock, and now she was nothing but excited, so eager to meet the tiny person growing and moving around inside of her. Her uncontrollable waves were swept back into a perky bun on top of her head, wisps of chestnut strands framed her face, and she was continuously pushing her sideswept bangs out of her face. He’d always wondered why she kept her hair cut like that if those God-forsaken bangs bothered her so damn much, but it was one of those nervous habits of hers that he’d grown to love. With all this change that was occurring in their lives, it was nice every now and then to find those little things that served as constants.

“Jana McDonald?” The nurse’s friendly voice startled him, jolting him back into the here and now.

Logan grasped his girlfriend’s hand, helping her to her feet, and while her tone was polite, accompanied by her most charming smile, he could detect that hint of irritation in her voice as she corrected the nurse, “It’s Kandi.”

And as the nurse turned to lead them towards one of the rooms, Kandi rolled her big brown eyes, sharply shaking her head, and he could just hear her saying, “I’ve been in here every other week for months, filled out all of those damn forms, and they still can’t even get my name right.”

Yeah, she was a handful.

The nurse jotted down her weight and blood pressure before the two of them were left alone in the cold, cramped room, waiting for the ultrasound technician.

Kandi smoothed out the skirt of her ruffled sundress before she leaned back onto the cocoa-colored leather, letting a hand rest on her rounded stomach.

“So…” he began, his eyes skimming across all of the baby photos and announcements tacked on the bulletin board beside them. “Do you think our kid’ll be cute?”

“Logan!” she feigned offense, playfully swatting at his arm. “Of course our baby will be cute! Boy or girl, they’ll be beyond adorable. I’m sure of it.”

Her lips curved into a wistful smile, and he immediately felt the expression mirrored across his own lips. “But still, I know it’s bad to say, some of these babies are a little…creepy-looking…”

“All babies are beautiful,” she spouted off the rehearsed line as she examined her nails.

“This one right here has creepy bug eyes.” Logan laughed as he pointed at one of the photographs. “It reminds me of those dogs with the bugged-out eyes or whatever that can fall out.” He tried to bulge out his own coffee bean eyes to demonstrate, and as awful as it was, she found herself laughing right along with him.

Their giggles came to a halt as soon as the ultrasound tech stepped into the room.

“Hi Kandi,” the young blonde woman greeted her ecstatically as she headed towards the stool near the machine. “I’m Lacey, and I’m gonna be your ultrasound tech for today." She turned to Logan. " I’m guessing you’re the proud papa?”

“Yeah,” Logan laughed along awkwardly, still not completely accustomed to the word, to the thought of him being a father to someone else. “I’m Logan.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“It’s so good to meet you too, Lacey,” Kandi chirped. “I’m so excited to see the baby again.”

Kandi eased the hem of her dress up over her stomach, revealing her baby bump and a pair of white cropped leggings. He felt her shudder as Lacey spread a purple-colored gel all over her abdomen before slowly guiding the ultrasound receiver across the area. Slowly but surely, a head and limbs came into view, and a rhythmic sound became more and more prominent.

As the tiny room fell silent, Logan could hear the familiar pound of Kandi’s heart, as heavy and steadfast as a drum, but there was also a gentle, fluttering pulse that he’d never heard before.

“Is that the baby’s heartbeat?” he asked softly, so worried that the sound of his voice would somehow interrupt this newfound melody.

Kandi’s eyes lit up as she nodded.

His gaze drifted back up to the fuzzy haze of black and white on the monitor, dark eyes squinting at the screen as he tried to decipher something, anything that would give him more clues about this wonderful little person he had yet to officially meet.

“Okay, so here’s the baby’s head,” Lacey explained as she circled the most prominent aspect of the image. “And here’s the baby’s arm…it looks like your little one just might be sucking their thumb.”

“Aww,” Kandi cooed, smiling up at the image on the screen.

“Well, everything looks perfectly fine to me, but Dr. Allens will go over this with you during your next visit.” She flashed them a warm smile before adding, “Would you two like to know the sex of the baby?”

Kandi looked to Logan for confirmation, and in that instant, countless possibilities seemed to unfold in front of him. He could imagine a little girl with long brunette curls dancing on his shoes, a million tea parties in the company of teddy bears and dollies, and playing dress-up in feather boas and glittery slippers. Just as vivid was the little boy with fair skin and dark locks, a carbon copy of his father, rolling in the freshly-raked autumn leaves and being carried on his father’s shoulders. These images seemed to flash behind his eyelids like reels on a projection screen, and it was then that he knew, regardless of the outcome, boy or girl, blue or pink, a mini Logan or a mini Kandi, these were some of the most life-changing words he’d ever hear.

And in that moment, Logan was suddenly aware that being a father was the most important role he'd ever play in his life. Nothing else would ever come close to this. It wouldn’t matter if he won an Oscar or a Grammy or even became the next Brad Pitt, if he wasn’t the best father he could be to this little wonder, the rest was absolutely meaningless. As he stared up at that screen, in awe that the two of them had the power to bring another human being into the world, someone who was a part of Kandi and a part of himself, he felt this overwhelming desire to protect. The baby on the screen, the fluttering kicks he’d felt so many times against the palm of his hand were something so delicate, so fragile. He couldn’t fathom the thought of any harm coming to this little, helpless thing, and he knew that he’d never be able to let the child out of his sight. It was a worry as old as time, but at the same time, he was unable to deny the rush of emotions that crashed over him. The swelling of his heart, the clamminess of his palms, the tears that threatened to spill over the brim of his soulful brown eyes, it was almost too much for him to take.

It was love in its purest form: love with no expectations and no strings attached. Logan was no longer the center of his own universe, his whole world revolved around this baby, and he smiled to himself because he realized that the most important person in his life was someone he hadn’t even met yet.

His fingers wove between Kandi’s as they rested on her stomach, and he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “We’d love to.”

“Well, from what I’m seeing right here, I think it’s safe to say that you guys are going to be having a baby boy! Congratulations!”

“Oh my God, thank you!” Kandi gushed, but her stare stayed glued to him the whole time, her grip so tight around his hand that he thought it was bound to go numb.

As the air rushed into his lungs, Logan just knew that he was going to cry, and he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d shed any tears as an adult, but if there was ever a time worth tearing up for, it was most definitely now.

A soft smile spread across his lips as he struggled to blink the salt water from his eyes. “Hey there, little guy,” he murmured into the baby bump, his voice flooded with enthusiasm. “I can’t wait until you get here. I’m gonna teach you all sorts of things, like how to throw a decent spiral, how to fish. Heck, I might even teach you a thing or two about how to win over girls.”

Kandi chuckled through her own watery eyes. “I guess I’m the one who’s outnumbered now.”

Logan couldn’t keep himself from grinning like a fool, even as the two of them were walking out to the car, fingers still intertwined. Settled in behind the steering wheel, he kept his copy of the sonogram clutched in his grip, and it was almost as if he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the image.

“Look! I think he even has your nose,” Kandi spoke softly as she traced the fuzzy outline of their son’s profile.

He felt like the luckiest man alive, and he knew in his heart that things didn’t get much better than this.

“He’s beautiful.”

And it was then that he thought to reach for his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, and positioning the sonogram carefully on the center of the steering wheel, he quickly snapped a pic and sent it to those closest to him, so eager to share his son with the rest of the world.

Hope I can count on you guys to be there front and center at my son’s first t-ball game.