The Bond of Brothers

Patrick may have agreed to this, but he was beginning to have some serious doubts. He stood in front of the building waiting on Elisa to park the car. It was just a counselor. Just another human being that was not there for harm but to help them piece things back together. Instead of feeling encouraged, Patrick was feeling nauseous. He could tell that Elisa was also nervous about this too. It was a major step forward and the significance was not lost on either one of them. He wasn’t ready to move back into the master suit, but at least they could make the needed steps to figure out where to go from here. He wanted things to change….needed them too. The anxiety alone was enough to bring him to this decision, but it was the pain of the deep seeded loneliness that had really pushed him forward.

“Are you ready?”

Patrick jumped at the sound of her voice. He had been so lost in his own head he had not heard Elisa come up behind him. He shook slightly not even bothering to hide his nervousness. Elisa would have seen through it any way. “Not really.”

“I’m nervous too.” She admitted standing by his side close enough to touch but not making the move. She didn’t want to push him or force him to move faster. It was a miracle that he had made it this far. “I have been told that is a very common thing.”

“Oh you have.” Patrick half smiled and glanced at the lovely woman beside him. This was not just for him, but for her too, he realized. He may not be able to remember who he was or who she had been, but he was ready to get to know her now. He hoped that she felt the same way. See me now, he thought as he stared into her dark eyes. Can you love who I am now, Elisa? He wanted to ask but instead stayed mum. “Glad to be normal then.”

They walked together into the tall brick building with its large gaping black windows that did not seem to let in any of the sunlight. They crossed the large waiting area to the elevators at the far back. Patrick made small talk about the weather and Elisa stuck to discussing Matt’s new found love of chewing on the neighbor’s dog’s ear. Her description made him laugh in spite of the anxiety gnawing at his gut. Her laugh came easy instead of forced and he felt more at ease with her. She felt like…..a friend. Not his wife, no not yet, but far better than seeing her as an enemy hell bent on pushing his every button and over the hedge of sanity.

Dr. Jordan’s office was small but comfy with its modern furniture of black and brown. They didn’t have to wait long and were quickly ushered into the doctor’s office. A lovely tan woman who looked to be in her mid to late thirties greeted them at the door and beckoned them to take a seat on a soft brown leather sofa. It was of a fine quality and felt like butter against his hands. “Mr. and Mrs. Stump. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

Elisa smiled brightly and shook the doctor’s hands with no hesitation. Patrick, on the hand, was a little more apprehensive. He wasn’t expecting a woman. He blushed slightly as he watched her gracefully pull up a chair to sit across from the couple. He wasn’t a sexist by any means, but he had really been expecting to see a man. Not that opening up to a man was going to make this any easier. He just worried about being out numbered and ganged upon.

It didn’t take him long to realize that wasn’t going to be the case. Dr. Jordan started the session giving background on her self and then asked very few questions allowing Elisa to give her the basics of their own story. Patrick felt weird but did his best to keep up. “So we need to narrow our focus on what we want to discuss here. I’m a relationships counselor who’s main focus is to assist couples overcome roadblocks or issues in their relationship. But I am very willing to discuss whatever you need to vent or get off your chest.”

Patrick had been studying his shoes feeling very much like the giant elephant in the room. “We’re here because of me. I can’t seem to get my act together.”

“Please don’t say that hon.” Elisa touched his forearm gently.

“Let’s be completely honest, Elisa.” He didn’t take her hand but did manage to meet her gaze. Dr. Jordan did not interject and watched the exchange very closely. “I’ve been a first rate dick towards you. Sorry for the language.” He cut his eyes at the doctor and a slight blush reached his cheeks.

“Don’t apologize. Say exactly what you mean here. We don’t want sugar-coated pleasantries. We want complete honesty, which is going to be a lot harder than you both realize. The honesty I’m talking about can be very brutal and painful, but it is needed to be able to move forward.”

“Since I’ve come home, “Patrick cleared his throat as the feeling of anxiety threatened to choke off his words and air supply. He knew he had to speak instead of burying things. All that had done was cause him pain. And it hurt Elisa too. “I’ve been mean, angry, and unbearable. I have been blaming everyone around me for feeling this way too, even though they have all tried to be nice to me. Elisa has done everything in her power and I’ve only been a jerk.”

“Having everything thrusted on you was not the best way of handling things.” Elisa countered taking his hand in her’s. “I should have taken things slower. Pushing you was wrong.”

“I’ve been unfair to you. I’m not the only one dealing with this but all I have thought about was what I was going through. You lost your husband in that wreck.” Patrick’s voiced trembled slightly but he quickly recovered. “I’m afraid you may be stuck with me instead.”

“Patrick,” Dr. Jordan spoke up, “you make this sound like a terrible thing. Why do you feel like Elisa is stuck with you?”

“Her husband is gone.” His tone hardened and the anger lurked dangerously close to the surface again. “She’s stuck with me now. She deserves better.”

This time it was Elisa’s turn to become angry and she did little to mask it. “You know I’m sitting right here. And I’m not stuck with you or anyone. I want to be here with you. I want to try.”

“I’m not the same Patrick.” He could no longer meet her gaze. The good doctor was right. Honesty was very hard and painful. “I don’t think I want to be him.”

“What are you trying to say Patrick?” Dr. Jordan asked cautiously not wanting to cause the young man to become volatile, which she could tell from the constant shift in his demeanor since he walked in the door was quite possible.

“Its love me for who I am now, not who you want me to remember.”

That statement was hard to take in. Elisa bit back tears and only nodded not allowing herself to speak. She did understand where he was coming from. He didn’t remember her. But more importantly at this time, he didn’t remember who he used to be. That was a loss she had not experienced and quite honestly could not understand. She stared down at his clenched hands instead of trying to see his face and read him. His fingers clenched and then rubbed his fingers nervously. On the outside he liked he always had, except still too underweight. But inside he was a different person now. She knew she had to accept that or leave him. She couldn’t leave him, even if she didn’t love him. She refused. She was not a quitter. “Looks like we got some work ahead of us.”

**************************************

Patrick and Elisa continued the counseling sessions together, like Dr. Patton recommended. They focused their conversations on them, as a potential couple again. Dr. Jordan encouraged them to take things slow and learn each other again. The days were becoming easier. Nighttime was still the hardest. He would retire to his own room and stare at the ceiling until sleep would inevitably steal him away. The nightmares would come and wake him but never linger longer enough for him to recall anything that made much since. He never brought up the nightmares in their sessions and pretended that they no longer plagued him. But they continued to bother him. It felt like memories lingering just beyond his awareness. Buried in his subconscious something troubled him. Bright lights in the dark. And they terrified him. Yet, he could not bring himself to ask for something to help his nightly horror-fest. He just wanted to concentrate on things that he could control.

After a month of insomnia, he had reached his breaking point. If he didn’t get any sleep soon, he was going to go mad. Hell, if he wasn’t there already. Sedatives would be the answer to his prayers and his ticket to dreamless sleep. But in order to get those, he had to get Dr. Patton to write him a subscription. He knew that Elisa fought her own battle with the nightly fiend. He could hear her pacing at all hours of the night or humming to Matt in his nursery. Some nights he would lie on his bed with the door cracked and listen to her sing lullabies to the boy.

During this long adjustment period, Patrick found himself becoming more at ease with his surroundings. He began to enjoy sitting in Matt’s room and watching him sleep. He studied Elisa as she attended to her daily routine. He ventured outside more and more, but carefully avoided the places that Elisa had described as being his private escapes. The study and the music room were the main two in the house that he could not go in to. He also avoided the small work shop that Patrick had built less than a month before the car accident. Elisa described it as his quiet space to either work on songs or tinker with whatever project he was into at the time. It felt like an invasion of someone’s privacy to trifle through such things. This other Patrick that had inhabited this home just a few months ago, it all belonged to him. This new Patrick knew nothing of this private side and wasn’t sure he cared to. So, he pretended to not wonder. Every time he tried to overcome his dread and enter the bedroom that he had shared with Elisa, fear would seize him. He could feel such an intense emotional tidal wave when he finally managed to open the door and step inside. The presence of the old Patrick could be felt leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Like a ghost, it lingered there reminding him of what was lost.

There were things he was never going to be able to control. So one night while he listened to Elisa in Matt’s room, he made a decision. It was foolish to run away from what was being offered to him here. Somehow he had to make this work. One day he would expel the ghostly remains of his former self. For his own sake at least to save spare his sanity.

Coldness and his pococurante feelings gradually turned into remorse. Loneliness took the place of antipathy and his heart lost its hard edge. He began to see a soft loveliness in Elisa and feelings for her grew stronger. It wasn’t love yet, but at least the dark resentment had dissipated. Even Matt was growing on him. He was quite the charmer with his big blue eyes and unyielding love. That alone was worth the fight.

So after those many weeks of trying to remember the old Patrick, he had decided to forage ahead to find the new one. That meant facing the things he did not wish to. He would go in the study and go through the things in there. He would eventually go to bed with his wife. Somehow they were going to become a family again. And, yes, he would have to go back into the studio. She was right in the fact that he had not been fair to the guys. He had not given them enough time.

Elisa walked in Matt’s room and found Patrick standing over the boy’s crib. He watched as the small child slept soundly. His small hands were bawled into tight fists that held a small stuffed bear in a death grip. He looked up at her, but didn’t speak. Elisa joined him by his side and spoke just barely above a whisper. “We created this angel. Such a sweet perfect little boy.”

“He looks like you.” Patrick noted. With the lightness of a feather, he ran a finger over Matt’s round head. It was velvety soft to his touch.

“You get any sleep?” She asked while she stiffened a yawn. It was closing in on 4 am. He had been standing there lost in his thoughts for two hours. He hadn’t even realized that so much time had past.

“Not really.” He acknowledged.

“Talk to Dr. Patton tomorrow.” She said gently.

He only nodded. Yes, that would be the answer. Give him some damn sleeping pills and then he can start to feel fucking normal again. He watched her slip off into her room and he returned to his. It was getting very lonesome in that little room.

Way too lonely.