I've Been Waiting to Smile

In the coming few days, filming the TV episode I was in was wrapped up. I felt ambivilant about it and on my last day I made sure to get picture with as many of the fellow actors and actresses that I could. Nathan Fillion even told me that I had done a good job and he was hoping to hear big things from me, which was unreal. I walked into the hallway towards my apartment to find Kendall walking from said location. He grabbed my arm and pulled me along with him into the stairwell.

“What the hell did you and James do?” he asked. I raised an eyebrow. “He has a hickey, I saw it, and in the past three days he never had any time alone with his date the other night. In fact he was more interested in you.”
“What are you talking about?” I laughed. He gave me a blank stare.
“You know what Caitlyn, you and James need to stop this weird no strings crap,” he said. Kendall wasn’t usually the kind of guy to yell or raise his voice or really even get mad, but he was absolutely pissed with me. “You know what Logan has feelings for you! Actual honest feelings, and he thinks that things would work between you two, and I know you like him too, it’s so pathetically obvious. But you deny it, you won’t even give him a chance? Why would you rather fuck around with James, you two have made it clear that you guys don’t like each other anymore than friends.”

“Please stop..” I muttered. Kendall kept bitching at me. I looked him dead in the eyes and screamed at him. “Just shut up!”

Kendall fell silent and stared at me. I pushed past him muttering for him to leave me alone. I walked into my room and texted James to come hang out with me. The second he got there I told him I didn’t want to make out or anything, and once he nodded, I let myself break down. James quickly picked me up and sat on my bed, holding me close.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” he asked. I told him about my interaction with Kendall. “I am so kicking his ass later.”
“He’s right though,” I sniffled. “He’s right, Logan does like me... and the only person I admit my feelings to is you. Why can’t I give him a chance?”
“You just started your acting career, dating is complicated and once you throw Hollywood into the mix is even harder,” James told me. “That’s what you told me when you and I talked about him in the summer, and it’s true. So why else?”

I sat there with James’ arms wrapped around me as we sat against the head of my bed. I really thought about it this time. Why didn’t I want to give Logan a chance? I hiccuped and James left to grab me a glass of water. He came back handing me the water before I spoke again. I barely said a word because I just ended up crying again. James rocked me back and forth gently.

“What if he just likes me because I’m like Camille?” I asked. James told me that I only looked like Cam and was an Actress like Cam. Nothing else between us was the same. “Exactly... what if he likes me because I’m like Cam, and nothing like her at the same time?” I asked. “What if I give him the chance and he breaks up with me? What if he doesn’t like me as much as he thinks? What if..”

I stopped myself there becuase the last thing I was going to say was so impossible and ridiculous I even wanted to stop just thinking about it. James rubbed my back a bit before he questioned what I was going to say. I just stared into space for a bit silently before quietly whispering.

“What if he ends up treating me like Jordan?” I asked, barely audible. James didn’t say another word. He simply wrapped his arms around me and gently pecked the top of my head. He just sat there silently and rubbed my shoulders as I shook my head. “I’m a horrible person... Logan would never do that...how could I even thin-”
“Cait,” James said, the first time in months he hasn’t kissed me to shut me up. “It’s okay, you’ve been hurt before. Jordan was crazy, and no Logan is nothing like him, but it’s still a perfectly good reason to be scared and weary of getting back into a relationship. Just take your time.”


I pointed out to James that I had broken up with Jordan in April. How could seven months not be me taking my time? He shrugged and told me everyone deals with things differently. I was okay, Logan liked me, and would probably be okay. I asked James how I could be such a horrible person.

“You aren’t,” he said. His phone buzzed and he looked at it. “I have to go to the studio, do you want to hang out later at 2J Mama knight is going out of town with Katie for two days so the guys and I are having a movie night. Logan and I would both love to see you there.”

I shrugged and James said he’d see me later, as he knew Neche would drag me along with her. He pecked the top of my head again, and then walked out of my room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts.