Imprinted Years

I finally braced myself enough to leave the safe, comforting, yet guilty feeling aroma, as I was now thinking of deceiving my one true ally in this world, yet I was sat right next to her.

When I finally reached the doorway, I took a deep breath in, knowing only a few metres away was where Silica and I stood only hours before, I now knew her name too, thanks to that weird, yet in parts intrigued dream.

When I reached the middle of the landing, where Silica greeted me before I could finish the last step of the stairs, I looked around once more.
It seemed different, yet I knew it was exactly the same. No light, nor sound, nor life, but now if anything, I felt more alert than I did before. Maybe it was because now I could expect something to happen and the time waiting till when that may or may not happen, my heart and mind were constantly on edge in the house I only hours before felt utterly safe in. I still feel safe when I’m near Jessica, but like I said, I couldn’t use her like that. Stay with her, even when I’m considering leaving her, just because I felt more at peace.

Simply not fair.

I decided to enter the room at my left, which was also left to the staircase too and I felt my way in through the darkness, by keeping my hands against the wall to my right. When I was sure I was completely inside the room that matched the rest of this house, black and hollow, I lead myself around the room by only my feet and legs, but I kept my hands out in front of me just in case, until I got used to it a little.

When I felt adjusted enough to know that there was a bad and where it lay, I walked over to it silently, careful not to wake Jessica up and sat down. I stared into completely black space for a few silent, wasteful minutes, as I wasn’t tired anymore, due to the dream, so I could’ve used them few minutes more orderly and usefully.

But instead, I just let my mind wander into nothingness, letting my whole body cease up into an aroma of emptiness and peace. I felt nothing. No air against my skin, no darkness piercing my eyes and certainly no thoughts. I kept my mind blank, distant. This was my focusing technique and if I truly belonged with either Silica or Jessica, this should tell me what I really wanted. Well, at the time, anyway. Things can soon change and change back without hesitation and it isn’t always too noticeable or it doesn’t always feel that important to at least try and resist from it.

I was still unsure, even when I’d returned to thinking both possibilities over. I wanted to do the right thing, for both myself and Jessica, but I couldn’t see that the way I should’ve, as my legitimistic self had been lost, all by the hands of Silica. I now aspired to be strong, to be powered, to be feared, I had wanted it before, but I’d never felt so aspired like this. It was more of a goal, a skill, and a quality I must aim for now, rather than just wanting to feel what it was like to feel such control and respect again.

When I got my revenge on that spiteful human, Macy, thinking back, I don’t think I did it exactly to get even. I think I mostly did it because I wanted to see her beg me for forgiveness and I wanted to have the respect she lacked towards me changed. I wanted her to look up to me, not stand her guard so condescendingly whenever she saw my face.

I wanted her to be enamoured by my beastly side, not my beauty that any fool could just pain on. I could fake a smile and have others smile back, or I could be who I really was, a sadistic crazed being and instead, have the whole world obey me. Respect me. Love me for my strengths physically, not internally. I thought that this would be the best outcome, having people love you out of spite and fear, but now, I rethink my past.

Was it ever so great like I though? Was it ever good for me to hurt others? Was I just betraying myself, or was it the opposite. Maybe, I was letting the true me surface and pushing the kind, honourable person I’d only just learnt to become slightly, away into the darkness. Never to resurface again, if I wanted it that way.

After a few more lost minutes, I decided to listen to some music to calm my now shaky bones. I wasn’t on edge anymore because of the corresponding emotions I felt, but I was paranoid for a different and maybe even more influent reason. This made more sense, if anything, yet if felt more odd and unnatural. I felt paranoid, as now, I felt feared.
The shadows in the room I now still sat in, darted from wall to wall, ever one that followed darker and more menacing than the previous. I shivered, watching them, thinking over them, analysing them. This was true paranoia, natural, in a sense, yet to me it couldn’t feel more distant.

I’d never felt so afraid of shadows in the night and if anything, they used to comfort me, not frighten me. But now, every shadow reminded me of my death that would catch up to me, if I didn’t choose the side my heart believed to be wrong soon enough. It felt oddly strange to me, that it was so unusual to be afraid of such an instant, empty feeling that the topic of death usually arises. But I didn’t like this new, overtaking feeling, not entirely because of the subject it represented, but mainly because I simply was shocked by it. I didn’t used to fear anything that I couldn’t control or stop, but I guess that now, I could stop death if I wished to. I just had to trade my heart and soul for it.

Maybe, it was the realisation that immortality was now an option that made me fear these extremely clever and cruel shadows that now suppressed me. I knew what they meant and now I knew I had a choice to distance myself from that exactly, I feared what would happen if I chose my heard over my mind. I could no longer stand listening to my favourite band, “Imagine Dragons” and it wasn’t the spectacular music that fazed me so. It was the way I felt, the outcomes I thought of and the truly excellent lyrics, that weirdly enough fit the visions I saw in my head, that did put me even more on the edge of a breakdown.

Not the usual kind of breakdown, too many conflicting emotions battling each other. Nothing like that. The words, that usually sent my heart and ears into an overdrive of happiness and longing, now made me think of situations I dreaded to think of. I dreaded them, as they drew me in too much for my liking. Too much more than my sanity should allow them to.

It started with “Radioactive,” my personal favourite upbeat song, only now, I read the words more deeply in my mind and instead of lifting me up, they made me think. Too much, if anything. “I’m waking up to ash and dust,” is the first line of this song. As you can guess, I now imagined myself in a destructed world, only this version of what the lyrics were implying was slightly personal to me, as the reason for destruction, was what both I and Silica had done to this world.

I knew this, as she now stood by my side, ash and dust surrounded both of our feet as we looked out onto the mess we’d created. The cities we’d broken apart into pieces. Pieces no soul could ever pick up, no matter how much machinery, help, or effort enforced, as we’d not only destroyed the outlook of this world, but all of civilisation too. Even if there were survivors, which there would be, most likely, they could never have back what we took from them, which was their past lives and the people we took with it.

Then, the dream skips to the last part of the first verse, “I’m breathing in the chemicals,” which again, symbolizes our destruction and how it’d spread. Like chemicals spreading through a flask with nothing but air. We were those chemicals, unleashing our poison onto this partly innocent and partly guilty human race we’d weakened. But on both of our faces, were smiles; like we wanted this and that we craved for their end. “I don’t want this, I mean, that! I don’t! I-I…”

Who was I talking to? Trying to reassure, even. It wasn’t like I’d actually done it yet, but it was the feeling inside me that told me, that this could be partly a possibility if I chose Silica, as we may not kill or weaken an entire race, but we may ruin lives. This burned into my conscience like fire into pure, soft skin. But I’d put my fire into the flames and no one forced me to do it. So I had to continue. The part of the chorus, where the lyrics say, “I feel it in my bones,” at that point, I suddenly felt the fire rise within me, like the dream wasn’t a dream at all. It felt real.

That is when I pulled the earphones out of my Samsung S5570, closing my eyes with unrecognisable shame and distrust in this Silica and myself. Even though I’d only dreamt of it, maybe due to the dream I had before, where me and Silica where in the place I first came across Jessica, I still felt guilt sizzling inside of my body. My cells, organs, heart, soul, brain, conscience, skin, blood, were all alive, but now I wished for them to be without the feeling of this. I wanted them to shut down. My systems. I wanted them to fall into silence, not roar like a lion when it’s alive with adrenaline. I shouldn’t feel adrenaline from such guilt. I shouldn’t.

But I still did.

I then wrapped my arms around my knees, throwing my phone onto the bed I still sat on carelessly before I did this and pushed my face, now wet with exasperated tears, into both knees that now were before my eyes. I let my eyes close, but I didn’t dare sleep, as I didn’t wish to risk seeing her face again. She couldn’t torment me with this, I repeated to myself, but I was wrong.

She could and she already had begun to. I was already in her power, but whether I followed her or just feared her completely, was a different matter. If I did chose her side over Jessica’s, and then I would fear less of her, as she would trust me partly. Then again, parts of me would feel more afraid; as I wouldn’t know what I must do after each task she’d set me. Would they get harder to bare and more sadistic each time round? Yes, I think so. But if I chose Jessica, could I live with the thought that I secretly wish for another life, so different to the one we’d live? Would I be able to wake up in the morning, or sleep at night, without thinking of what a bad person I was for thinking otherwise?

Would I constantly feel paranoid and guilty for this thought process I put myself through to decide that she was actually the better option? Like there was always a chance of me choosing the opposite team, without her and I had to think this over long and hard to actually know what I wanted.

I couldn’t find the answer I wanted, but I thought to myself; “if I’m naturally evil, then surely I must live in that way and not deceive those who have the right to be respected. If I stay by her, I won’t only be hiding away my true self; I’d be lying to someone. Someone who understands partly how it feels to be a cold, malicious, menacing beast and then figure out what’s really meant for you. Maybe I was meant for that kind of life, dark and cruel, as I certainly found this kind of reality hard and unnatural. Maybe soon, she’d understand my choice.”

But she wouldn’t forgive it, but she could understand why I sided with the serpent instead of the noble, caring ant. That may’ve been smaller than I was, but could always carry more in equivalence and who may’ve also been cast as weak due to her slim frame, but was the strongest soul I’d ever known. She carried me through the dark hours, but maybe, it was time for me to go my own way, even if I’d only known her really for a couple of days.

But those days felt like a lifetime to me and I felt that this life wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t me to be honest and kind; I was suited to being harsh, unforgiving and in parts insane. Just like my father. I was like him and I liked that in some strange way, as it always made me feel connected to him, even if in reality we were beginning to drift apart.

I’d made my choice and with that decision, I’d also chosen my path to follow and my leader to match my footsteps too. I’d be lying if I said that the choice didn’t feel natural to me, but honestly, I did feel weird after it. Even if it did feel like my true destiny, a part of me knew it was wrong. That I was wrong. But that was who I was and like I said, some can change if they figure out how to and who they can be if they do.
I then believed, at that time, that it was impossible to change and that the choice I’d now decided upon would be my final choice and that I’d never get another chance again. But I also believed that that was who I was meant to be, so I couldn’t argue or fight against it. Of course, I knew it was wrong of me to choose that life. Wrong of any person or being, really, but you can’t always fight nature. That’s what I believed, anyway. Either it was my instinct and nature that made me that way, or my nurture over the years from my father.

I still don’t know which it was that inflicted me to choose that side, but I did know that it felt more natural and understandable to me than the other.

I’d chosen Silica.

Which I suppose you might’ve guessed, anyway, but I think I must explain further why I chose her, at this stage in my life. I wanted to feel guilt free and have a healthy conscience, yes, but I also needed to experiment my true nature. Find out why the fire within me burns so bright whenever I think of whom I could be, the strength I could possess and the amount of respect I could receive.

I was greedy. I admit that, I wished for power and I wished for violence and to fight. I was naturally blood thirsty. I thrived for the thrill of it, the memory of my game with Macy made me see that side of me again. Only I’d hidden the other side of myself away for what seemed like a long time, I didn’t know how long it’d take me to go back. They say it takes longer to return to something you walked away from.

I’ve turned my back on that person for a couple of small, yet important days, which to me still felt like a lifetime. I didn’t know if I could ever turn my back on that. No matter how hard or how long or how much I tried, what Jessica had installed within me, love, truth, honesty, friendship, trust, understand and loyalty, were the kind of parts of me that I don’t think I can ever discard.

Even if I wish for it. I can’t hide the fact that she taught me more in 2 or 3 small, yet impacting days, than I’d ever learnt in my entire life. She taught me how to care, which did have a massive impact on me, even if I didn’t see it right there and then with my own eyes. I know it did.

It was now 05:28am and I was more alert and adjusted to my current situation and mind frame. I was going to be a part of Silica’s life now, whether my heart and soul agreed or not, which meant I’d to leave Jessica, or at least tell her the truth, so then she’d make her own mind up about me. Most likely, she’d have something to say to try and stop me from doing this and to make me aware of what I was doing. But I’d made my mind up and I couldn’t turn back.

Not now.

So without thinking, or hesitating, or even analysing what could possibly follow, I quickly got up from the bed where I’d been sitting for ages now and ran out of the room. The plan was to charge back into Jessica’s room and tell her everything before I cowered out of it, but I stopped myself before I could get inside. “What am I doing? I can’t, not now.” I told myself and was about to rethink my plans when I suddenly thought, “but I may back out, like I always have done when I don’t want to do things that seem unnatural and strange to me.”

Confessing emotions and decisions to a dear friend was strange for me, as I’d never had a friend to confess them to before. So before I could pull myself back again, I walked on into the room I now dreaded to enter, when before, only an hour earlier, I would’ve gladly returned with a smile on my face.

I was about to wait around a short while, giving her a chance to wake up naturally, but I knew I needed to do this before I backed out, thought before I was going to give in with waiting around, she woke. I then felt as my heart went off beat and tears formed in my eyes. “Hide them.”

I told myself silently, but it was hard to hide emotions from her. My friend, my teacher, my saviour, in a sense. When I looked at her for the first time she looked at me too, my eyes were saddened, but not tearful, thankfully. I could tell this, though I obviously couldn’t see them, as I felt saddened inside and I desperately wanted to let free my true feelings. But I weren’t too sure about even that, what my feelings were exactly I mean, so I left it.

“Hi,” the simple word came out strangled and croaked, as my throat was now clogged with the tears that so desperately wanted to escape me. I closed my throat for a second, still holding back the force of them behind my eyes and looked down to my hands. I was a coward. “How’re you?” I asked trying to sound genuine, a little calmer than before, but still cloaked by the emotions I knew I’d have to reveal soon enough.

I’d have to tell her, but how? When? Could I? Well, I had to, so I just told myself that “I can do this” and that “I can be whoever I want to be, or whoever I feel I am meant to be right now.” I then, without even considering it, wrapped my arms around her, as I knew that this may not just be see you later or something, this may well be goodbye. Forever.

She embraced me in her own arms as well, which I cried at without control, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I loved her, not in a romantic way, obviously, but in a stronger way, if anything. She truly believed in me and now I was leaving her. Maybe it was better for the both of us, but that still doesn’t mean that what I did was right. She’d helped me and understood me, making me feel like I’d another member of my own family, apart from my one parent. She made me see what love really was and now, I wouldn’t be able to be around to love her in that sense anymore. I was leaving and it was wrong of me, but I couldn’t fight who I was.

“Jessica, I have something I need to tell you, I…” I froze, I pulled away from her warm, caring hold and looked at her again, my eyes forced on hers, I didn’t want to, but I had to say it. “Jess, I have to leave you and I may never be able to see you again.” I couldn’t believe that I’d actually said the words that begun my explanation, as to why I was leaving. I still didn’t know why I was like this, why I was this person and finally, why I wished to leave the best person I’d ever known.

I swallowed and looked away from her, expecting her eyes to be filled with disappointment or distrust, but when I sheepishly looked back, they were filled with kindness and care, which was worse.

“I may be on my own for a long time, maybe even forever, but I can’t keep deceiving myself. Deceiving you and that’s why I must leave.” This time, when I said this, I was no longer afraid of how she’d take it, I was afraid of how I’d take it. This was now real to me and I didn’t know how to continue on without her, but I felt I had to and that I had no other choice but leave.

After a few moments of guilty silence, she spoke, her voice was cold, harsh, but I could pick out pitches of it that were on the edge of welling up. I felt madly wrong for what I’d said and decided, but also I felt insanely right to do so. This was I and I couldn’t hide from it.

“Do what you have t-to” she smiled to me, as if this wasn’t hard for either of us and it was just a matter of life’s decisions.
Which it was, but it felt so much more powerful, meaningful, but in the way I didn’t want it to be. I didn’t want to remember this goodbye, but I couldn’t forget it. It was a part of me and will forever be. “Do whatever you have to do, Abre. We’re all different and I can’t,” she swallowed hard and looked into my eyes again, “I can’t ever blame you for that. Know that…” She paused, closing her eyes and I knew what she was doing. Fighting the tears that threatened to come.

I knew this, as it was how I felt too, but I was the one saying goodbye, so in some ways it was easier and some harder, I guess.

“Know that I love you, but I must be the one to leave you, Abre. As…” she smiled again, this time more forced than the last, as with every sentence, every word, every letter, either of us said, the pain rose more every time. “As, I can’t stay to watch you fall apart and I know this is what you want, maybe even what you need, but I know you will get hurt. I can’t… I can’t stay here, whilst you take this route in your life. I need to leave you, Abre and you need to stay here, as you’ve no where else to go, do you?” I shrugged; not knowing what to say and then confirmed it by shaking my head. I didn’t and she was right, I was going to fall apart, but I hoped I’d have the strength to piece myself back to what I was, or whatever I wanted to be.

“But, but…” I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, in fact, I was stuck, as I felt rottenly guilty and sorry for what I’d decided on, but I couldn’t back out. “But nothing, Abre! I’ve another place to stay, okay? I don’t care whose side you chose and who’s you didn’t, I can’t let you live like that. I wont.”

She cared, which is what made this much harder, yet much, much easier also, as leaving would let someone else, someone worthy, learn and care for her, like she cared for others. I would never be worthy for that, or so I thought back then, which was truthfully one of the reasons for deciding to leave.

“And Abre?” she stood up from where she’d been sitting for a while now and I stood with her a moment later, “just… just beware of the decision you make, because once you’ve made it, you can’t go back on what you do whilst you live that life. Even if some day you do change your mind again and find that you’ve the courage and strength to move on from it, you can’t erase the past. I’m telling you this because I love you and I care, but I can’t tell you what to do with your life. You need to live for yourself and I admire your courage for that. Know that you’re forever in my heart and I will never let my mind forget you, no matter what.”

Tears fell from my eyes without any control, but I didn’t wish to wipe them away, they were the only proof that I was humane enough to feel emotion. That I cared and that, for the first time in my life, that I’d loved someone different to myself, but also who was similar in many ways.

I was proud of that.

I was proud to have loved such a great person, but I was also ready to begin a new street to walk down.

I’d finished on this one, I’d met one or two I disliked along the way, but also someone who I truly loved as a friend, but also more.

She touched my cheek where a tear had just fell from my now reddening, watery eyes and then, unexpectedly, yet memorably, wrapped her arms around me in a quick movement. Hugging me close to her and letting my tears fall onto her. I cried for a moment or two, but then pulled myself together. “I wanted this, I have to go through with it. No going back.”
I told myself this, until I had the strength to pull away, give a halfhearted smile and look back to her once again. Her eyes were filled with emotions, I could tell from how she focused on keeping herself steady. She was obviously better than I was at that. She smiled at me for the last time I remember that day, keeping her eyes on mine, telling me something with one, ambivalent, yet impacting look.

She would always be with me, as even if she did forget me, which I would expect after this, I would never be able to forget her.

It was then when she left.

Before doing, she left something in a box under the bed in the room I waited in before I saw her, thinking over my decision I’d already made hours before without knowing. I wanted to open the box, as she didn’t lock it, but I only got to the doorway every time I tried to enter the room. I couldn’t pass through. Not physically, but mentally. I knew there must’ve been a reason for her not locking it, and if she wanted me to know what it was currently, then she’d simply have given it me.

She knew that I was curious, intrigued by little and large things, but she also knew that I was beginning to think things through.

She did this for a reason and I wasn’t meant to see whatever was inside.

I wanted to, but I knew that I needed to leave it for now. It’s what she would’ve wanted and like I did when she was with me, I still followed her rules.

Not because I had to, because I didn’t, but because I wanted to. I respected her, loved her and wished to remember her. This was a way I could do all three, as I was respecting her by going by her rules, loving her by keeping the morals she taught me close to my heart and remembering her, by remembering how these morals made me a better person. All of this was because of her and I’d never be able to thank her enough for it.

I remember how, for the first time in all of the few days I’d been in that house, I lied on the bed and wished to close my eyes, but I never could, as when I did, it felt wrong. I wasn’t meant to be there. It wasn’t where I sleep. It was too much for me. The comfort of the warming duvet around me, the softness of the bed sheets, even though they were old and torn,

Jessica had washed them on the day we first stayed here, which was kind of her, as this was meant to be my room.

But to be honest, I felt much more comfortable in hers, even though it was hard to go back in the room that used to belong to someone so dear to my heart, I liked it when I was in there. It reminded me of when she embraced me and I finally saw how she did love me in that pure, memorable way and how I loved for her exactly the same.

I wanted to keep our memories alive and pure; staying in this room was a way to do that. But I couldn’t remain in her room, as I had to begin my new life route. I chose this and a humongous part of me wanted to continue on with it.
I loved the past few days, but the future awaited me…