Status: Rated PG-13 because of language used in later chapters and Abre (main character) isn't just a character to me, as she has helped me see my own light, which seems ridiculous I know. But it's true.

Imprinted Years


I feel magnificently odd, as I now look back on this part of my younger self and my younger life too, I guess. I was so strong, yet so weak also and I didn’t know anything I thought I knew of the world I lived in. I guessed, I presumed, but I never actually knew.

I close my eyes and think back. Oh, I remember now, the cold days. My favourite, in some ways, as they were dauntless, empowering and ever so chilling, but in others were my least, as they were also meaningless in ways that they shouldn’t have been and meaningful in ways which they shouldn’t have been also.

What I mean by this, is that I remember and admire those days for the incorrect reasons, as I admire the confidence, the strive I had, the respect I’d undeservingly earned. I didn’t think of my conscience as much as I do now, I was too foolishly wrapped up in my own cruel, yet believably intense and satisfying world to care. I felt alive, free, cold and like fire, as I continued throughout this part of my life. I was strong, I was fearless, but in some extremely empowering ways, I was exasperatingly careless…

Jessica had been gone, well, distant, for a few weeks now. I didn’t know how many weeks exactly, as I was too struck by my new route to care to notice, but I knew that I couldn’t say or believe she was gone, as she simply never would be. Distant, yes, but never ever gone.

As even if she were 10,000 miles apart from I at this moment in precious, yet dreaded time, she was always and forever with me.

Her words repeated in my mind, her face stuck to my eyes and refused to peel away and her warmth, her embrace, her love, still clung to me everywhere I travelled over those few weeks.

This made me feel comforted, even though I did feel awfully guilty for still needing her, even though I was the one to break us apart. I couldn’t help but feel safe when I knew she was still by my side, she was a part of me and that was what I remembered over those few weeks. How we’d always be linked, always be joined in some way and how we’d always be friends. Even if we hated one another, our friendship was based on love and my love for her would never die.

I hoped it was the same for her, that even though I’d hurt the both of us, she still had even the tiniest space in her warming, loving heart to love me. Even if it valued only to a sixth, or a twelfth, or even a hundredth of my own love for her, I’d still genuinely, emotionally and continuingly appreciate that small, yet massively impacting gesture.

In the last few weeks, I’d not done loads and contributed much to this living most call “a life” but I’ve been recapping on the past and putting myself and what’s happened in perspective. I’ve experimented this by testing my skills once more, only now I test them alone, as for one, I needn’t Jessica to help me and two, I had no other choice anyways.

If I did have a choice, I’d choose her to be by my side, to be honest, as I knew I could do it, but I didn’t believe I could.

Which is partly why it took much longer to start again properly, as when I tried for the first several times, I came extremely too close to giving in, but I finally, after minutes and minutes, which felt like decades to me, of trying, I got there.

Why I still needed her to test out these skills, I’m still unaware of, as I didn’t feel I needed her for any other reason at that point, except for comfort, of course. A theory I’ve developed is that I simply felt it was right to carry out those test with her, as she was my teacher, therefore my introducer to my skill. I had to thank her for it, or else I’d never have had it in the first place if she had never built it up for me.

She was the one who told me what I needed to know to be successful, who helped me, simply by being by my side, to figure out the pieces I needed and whom I was looking for.
Now, I had no accomplice, no helper, no team, as I was now solo, which was purely my choice, but it was times like this, when I felt I needed her support in the simplest of situations, when I needed her dearly.

My first test was the boy who enamoured me only days before this second encounter I’d planned, so Jessica had only been distant a similar amount of time, as I crossed paths with him only the day before we parted. I wanted to see his face, to know his name, to look into his eyes and to let myself lose control in them. For me to lose any panic, or unwanted feelings that automatically came with being alone would’ve been a granted wish.

I tracked down his intriguing atmosphere and his kind sense, making me even more enamoured by him, as now I knew, if I truly wanted to right now, I could see him for certain and he could see me. Which excited me, if I’m truthfully honest.

When I found him, this time in a college cafeteria, I stood several dozen metres from him, his back facing me and now, again as before, I was enamoured by simply his aura. A thought that randomly accumulated in my mind, rather unexpectedly and strangely of me, was that I was “ever more curious” as he was “wiser” and “certainly more adjusted” than I was, as he was older than me. Maybe not too many years older than I was, he was most likely around seventeen years old, but this surprisingly intrigued me in a way I didn’t expect.

His age, his wisdom, his entire self had me… attracted.

Like how opposite magnets connect, attract and hold on to one another.

I now wished for this to be us. I wanted us to be close, to be mesmerized by the other and to know we would never be without one another. This thought made me feel ambivalent emotions once again, as I now, too natural to me now, which I know must be odd, I now felt cold and warmth combined.

See, that was another human part of me; crying the day Jessica had left was one also, but this, this was beautiful, memorable and stunning, yet, but it was also different. I now dreamt of a future of love, peace and happiness; three words I wasn’t exactly used to. Which was by my own choice, I suppose.

I remember how I looked on at this boy, never actually seeing him completely, which is a part I liked, I suppose. As I knew if I’d seen him, I wouldn’t be attracted to him in the way I am now, purely out of spirit and, well, love I guess. I would be either attracted or not by his features, his eyes that held mine carefully and promised to never let go. If his eyes truly did look upon me in that way, of course I’d feel something, but I liked knowing I loved him, regardless of what he looked like.

It made the connection I had to him unique, perfect, but I still yearned to feel his eyes on mine.

I wanted to know what love mentally, physically and psychologically felt like. I’d known what it was like to feel love mentally, as I’d felt it with Jessica, as she was a dear friend to me and still is, in parts. I’d never felt physical love though, as I’d never known love at all apart from the love I’d for Jessica and my father. What I mean by psychological love, is when you love someone so much, you can never forget them and they’re a part of you in more ways than just one.

So I guess I had felt this kind of love before and still, as Jessica meant all of this to me. I did love her, I know that and I know whoever reads this will know that too. I love her, as she’s a person who I trust my mind, self and truths with.
I will never trust another soul on this Earth more than I trust her. A perfect example, personally, of how strong the bond that is friendship can be.

So, with a slight bit of hesitation and doubt, I turned around to face the door of the cafeteria in front of where I stood, leading to the reception block, which lead to the exit.

I then, after inhaling some fresh, cool air, thanks to the windows being ajar; I left the boy who intrigued me so and continued onto my next game. I’d had enough of trying to resist his unseen charms and ways, whilst trying to not lose the game, as the purpose of this encounter I’d set out, was to test myself. Not him.

I was my own player and walking away meant that I’d succeeded, as I knew that Jessica wished for me to not see him.

I still, even now, followed her. Maybe I did only follow her in mind and not in body, but I still wished to do so. I have to admit, walking away from him was one of the hardest tests I’ve ever faced, but I knew that it was necessary.

I chose my next player, this time it wasn’t me, I can tell you that, but also this time, she hadn’t yet committed any crime, other than hurting herself emotionally.

This is why I chose her, as it wasn’t easy to tell if she was deeply scarred, which could lead to awful circumstances, or whether she was just simply imprinted with those feelings that lead to her suffering. Yes, there is a difference, as if she was already scarred by them, her soul could be in danger, therefore her sanity would be also, but if she was imprinted by these emotions, yes, they’d still mark her soul, but they wouldn’t break her.

Not in the way true-scarred feelings can. I wanted to help her, which is why I did this. This, I did find odd, as I was meant to be straying from kindness and even though the path I took to inflict this “kindness” was harsh and cruel, I was still doing a good, maybe even the right thing.

Which was against my new morals, unfortunately.

I remember finding her with my senses that were all too familiar to me now, seeing her for the first time, I could see that she did shine out to me. Her name, I believe, was Molly and she was extremely beautiful, with light blue eyes, blonde hair and flawless cheekbones. She rode horses, I knew this from the data I collected throughout my search for her and she had many kind friends, well, as humans go anyway.

Of course, at this point in my life, I was still biased on the subject of humans, still believing our kind were far better than theirs. Like at those football matches humans host, when one team would dislike any other. It was kind of like that, in a sense, but I was slowly beginning to understand the humans, but I wouldn’t say I admired them. Not yet.

I walked over to her, we were alone and I’d left this game till the late hours, near the rocks where I’d encountered Jessica by the coast, as I simply preferred being there at night. She lived nearby, funnily enough and was out walking her dog when I caught up to her. I remember watching on in eagerness to speak, to make myself noticeable to her and to begin my purpose here, but I felt it right to wait.

Where we were wasn’t too popular, you see, as many visited other places, but personally, I much prefer this. The cool air, the silence, the peace, the perfect aura of heavenliness and even though I wasn’t strictly against or for any religion, I felt slightly holy here. At rest, enlightened and comforted.
I was loved, loved by nature, as nature now wrapped its cool arms around my icy cold self and silently whispered to me that I “will be okay.”

I smiled at the thought and when I timed it just right, I encountered this unknown being. Well, only known slightly due to facts, not due to actually getting to know and understand her exactly.

“Hi,” she spoke gently, easily, as if she wasn’t in shock by me approaching her. Well, this time, my approach on my player was genuine and neighbourly like, as I didn’t wish to fear her yet, exactly. She probably simply assumed I wanted to pet her dog, which I believe is called Ruster.

Aw, what an adorable name for a K9, as some humans call them, but I couldn’t think of names and cuteness right now, I’d to begin my new start and most importantly, my new role in this life. Yes, my life had changed drastically within the last few weeks, but technically it was still the same life, so I saw this route I took, slightly darker, this venture being the exception, than my past routes.

I was about to take on this new role, as my first encounter I’d backed away from coming close to him, as I knew I mustn’t.

“Hello, are you Molly?” she seemed stunned by how I knew her name so easily, but she then relaxed, as she didn’t want to draw in any unwanted attention. I could tell.

“Um, yes, yes I am and who, wh-who is asking?” I smiled, a little over acted and stepped an inch or so closer to her, I was literally inching my way towards her. “My name is Abre and I wish to speak with you.” I looked to her feet, as she had footwear on and a bizarre thought, after spending that short, yet impacting time with Jessica had entered my mind. That she was the odd one here, as she wore shoes and socks and I went bare footed, this action then lead her to look at mine, which did shock her a little.

“Why aren’t you…” she was about to ask what I’d already predicted. Hey, maybe I was a mind reader! As if, I only knew this as the way she looked at my feet and then back to my face with a confused glance, I understood perfectly well.

“Wearing any footwear? Ah, yes. Good question, for a mortal like yourself, I suppose” I smiled a confident and arrogant smile, like Silica said I should be what felt like a decade ago, “so, is now okay for that chat?” She nodded, which seemed rather more instructed than sheepish, like she did it because she was wise enough to know that rejecting was useless and not beneficial to either of us.

She wasn’t just any human, was she?

We walked to the icy rocks, which she had to carry her little dog, which was a small terrier by the way, as she didn’t want him getting hurt. I liked this, honest kindness. Not false or pretended, as she genuinely did care for Ruster, which was a shock to me, as I honestly believed that humans weren’t so courteous, yet I still distanced myself from her. I wasn’t going to discard my lack of trust in all of humanity, just because the one exception had proved to be rather, well, humane. I was set in my ways, I suppose and I never have liked change.

When we’d walked a little too further than I liked, as we were nearing where Jessica and I had first met all of those hours, minutes and days ago, I realised that I didn’t feel completely on guard like usual with Molly. I felt safer with her, rather than how I naturally felt anxious and paranoia around other humans.
This felt different, if Jessica was alongside us too, I can quite surprisingly say I’d feel completely safe and confided, as I’d have a human who didn’t threaten me what so ever, meaning I felt natural sort of around her and I’d have a true friend by my side. But Jessica wasn’t here anymore; I had to get that into my idiotic yet quite hopeful head.

She wasn’t just going to appear out of nowhere like I wished for her to, so much so that it physically hurt inside when I thought of it.

It felt wrong, strange and cold, the feeling of being alone without her, as the excitement I first felt at being so independent had faded and now, a strange source of mourning filled it’s place. This was odd, as mourning is usually done when a person dies, which in this case, she hadn’t died physically, but emotionally, it felt she had, as I knew I might never see her face again. Yes, I loved her, I missed her, I still acknowledged her, but I made this choice and I had to stick to it.

We sat along the ice covered spaces, where no rocks had formed, luckily, as I didn’t feel to adrenaline pumped to start hanging off the edge of some pointed, slippery rocks today. Molly balanced Ruster on her lap and looked over to me, smiled and then looked back down to him, stroking him behind his ears, which was another unnecessary, yet appreciated gesture on her part.

“Maybe she’s a good one, Abre.” I told myself as I watched this movement, but the other half of me contradicted the other.

“There is no good of their kind! Which is why you chose this life, why you left your best and truest friend, Abre. Don’t let any mortal fool you. Ever!”

The dominant part of me, the negative part, in better words, was often the one I listened to, as I felt it was the right thing to do at the time.

“Tell me and don’t think I wont hurt you to get the truth out of you, don’t concern yourself with why I ask such things either, got it?” she nodded, so I fluently continued, like I was expert at this, when I was simply amateur at best. “Tell me, do you think, if you keep hurting yourself in this way, psychologically, I mean, do you even remotely think this tiring, hurtful routine will help you? Better you?”

I asked her this in an eager, yet demanding tone. I didn’t like this, as it was odd to me, usually I’d be at either end of the extremes, but now, I’d to adjust to both.

I could no longer lost my angst uncontrollably at those who I despise, but I could also no longer pity those who deserve it. It was a cruel, unnatural world, even for me, as even though I’d been quite malicious and hateful towards other kinds most of my life, I’d been fair, which wasn’t part of the game now.

I closed my eyes, accepting the new me, the new person I’d moulded into and let myself get lost in it. I had no escape and soon enough, I’d no longer have even the slightest amount of sympathy and empathy within my heart, as I’d have traded that side of me completely by then, into the evil, sadistic, cruel and in some ways more than others, powerful being, I believed I was meant to be.

Angst would be my truest emotion and I guess that this test was maybe the first and last test of ambivalence, as I’d no longer have any care in my heart, or so I believed, to ever be so considerate again. The next pupils, or players, or whatever you wish them to be named, wouldn’t be for us to help. Us being Silica and I. Oh no, if anything, we’d worsen their lives, but I did make a silent vow to myself.
“If I ever do kill, I will only kill those who deserve it; as innocent souls shall not be slain.” Was this correct of me to think? Was I right to even label those who must be bad or good? Was it fair to harm those who harm others? An eye for an eye? Was I making the completely wrong decision, by making this my last even remotely careful game, or teaching, as the following after this, would surely not be careful.

Not in the way this was, as now I was careful not to upset or hurt her, both physically and emotionally, but the next that would soon arise, would be to purposely hurt and slay others, both physically and emotionally. Which was not at all caring, so that must mean that doing so was careless. Yes?

She shook her head without hesitation and looked into my blue-green eyes, that belonged to my father, a part I can never lose. She caught my gaze, her eyes filled with sadness and I foresaw the possible outcomes to this question I’d asked her. She was broken, but not exactly destroyed yet and I was hoping, as she was the last human I could be even slightly kind and genuine to for a while, that I could help her with this. As I did actually care, even though I believed I wasn’t meant to, I knew it was right to help her, as she was so much alike me.

But the main reason for this test was to test myself to see if I still had a heart. Yes, I’d still have to be tough on her slightly, but my aim here was to help her, this would change if and when I found Silica.

Even if I never saw Silica again, it no longer mattered, as I’d already chosen my side and I couldn’t go back on what I’d already vowed on. My destiny for this part of my life, had been chosen and I had to live it out before I even considered becoming someone else, as I’d made this decision.

It just wasn’t right to back out.

No matter how odd or strange it felt to let back in my dark side, which used to be ever so powerful, after witnessing what true love and light felt like.

I could do it, easily so, as I was meant to live in parts secluded into the dark anyways, it was my nature, but everything that’d happened changed my views slightly. Now I had to change them back to suit my new role, as I couldn’t live a life I discarded for this.

“I’m, I…” she started, but I presumed that she couldn’t finish whatever she wished to say and I knew I had to help her with it.

“It’s okay, you know. I do understand, in a sense, I guess.” She smiled an uneasily, awkwardly attempted smile and held my gaze for a moment, then shyly looked away after a moment or two. “I’m not just saying it, I’ve been through my fair share too.”

I smiled at her this time, truthfully and genuinely, I must say, it felt nice to do this, as I’d been thinking over so much of what it’d be like when I’d be without kindness and loyalty in my heart, I’d forgot to think of right now. I could still talk with this mortal like I cared, which I did, but soon, I’d be cold, empty, malicious. What I believed was right for me at the time.

“I know, it’s just, the reason I’ve let myself fade, well, yes, and I guess I have faded, was because of my regrets. Not that anything traumatic happened to me exactly, other than realisation that is.” I looked over to her now, my eyes filled with earnest intrigue and this told her I wished for her to continue. “What I mean by that is that when I realised how I’d treated those I loved, I felt… empty. I guess and that’s why I continue to live in the darkness, when really, I strive to live in the light again.”

Damn. This girl was after my own heart, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Well, I saw what she was saying as the truth and that it was also right too, as I’d felt it all too well myself. I did feel guilt for how I’d strayed from others, how I’d played and tortured Macy emotionally and how I told myself that I did that for good, when really, I didn’t. I did it for the opposite reason. I felt guilt for all of those, but I hid it and this girl was far braver than I, as she was more open, honest and truthful about her emotions.

I was a hypocrite, as I believed others must be these things, yet I wasn’t even them myself.

Why, I don’t know, I guess I found it easier to discard them into darkness and pretend my mistakes never happened, rather than own up to it.

“Well, you’re more upfront than I am,” I said rather honestly, but then I suddenly though of how I was meant to think it not say it.

“Why, thank you, I think and um, so yeah, that’s why I hide out from light. Why I distance myself from humanity, as I believe I deserve to be forever alone. I’ve hurt those with my own pain, both physical and emotional. I don’t deserve the right to be happy and fulfilled, as I took their happiness away when I fell down all of those years ago.”

I could sense a story coming on, so I smiled at her, almost beckoning her to continue, which she did and then listened on to her. Genuinely interested by her whole self, her charisma, her past, and her demons. I found this intriguing, as I’d longed to hear of others’ inner scars for so long, it almost felt like a prayer had been answered when I tracked down this girl.

“So, um, it started when I was thirteen years old, which was four years ago by the way and I’d started going out with this boy called Eric. He was charming, romantic, funny, kind and easily loveable, but I always felt that I didn’t live up. He always seemed so perfect, so flawless, so unique and I was always the same plain, insecure me. I constantly felt worthless when I was about him, like I never matched up even close to how he rose so high. His talents, his charisma and how he went about every day challenges.

My friends too, they were all different in their own way and I liked that about them, but I also saw it as a sort of threat, if that makes sense. I got overly paranoid, wondering whether they’d ever get bored of me or think me not right, which I wasn’t, I suppose.

I was also rather vague, quiet and dismissive when I was younger. I remember how I tended to hide away in my room, sleep away the thoughts that consumed me, closed me in. Well, I couldn’t sleep, as the paranoia and wasted adrenaline within me kept me from it. Imprisoned me to live on awake. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up, as I believed I wasn’t suited for this world. “Have I ever been suited?” I asked myself every waking day, holding on to little hope that I’d get out of this, but that little hope seemed useless when combined with all the other doubts in my mind.

I remember how I’d bicker with friends and blame them for my emotions, still holding on to anything to still keep me fighting. I made this worse by hurting them this way, as the more I did it, the guiltier I felt. The more burdened I was, with many feelings like guilt, regret, hurt. These were my markings, I still fear they are my markings today and I dread them to be in my future. I wish to forget my past, how I hurt those I loved and who once loved me back endlessly, due to my disbelief that any other human being could love this.

What I believed to be a worthless, broken piece of nothingness; they saw to be beautiful, unique and kind-hearted. I love them all, but I didn’t believe they could ever love me the same.

Not until I turned sixteen, three years with Eric and a part of me still felt this way, though I had gotten better.

I woke up the morning of my sixteenth birthday and reached for my phone, I believed that none of my old friends would’ve wished me anything, as I’d been rather distant with them. The only reason Eric stayed by me was because he said that he truly loved me and wanted me to feel right again. My friends did love me too, I guess, but I didn’t see it at the time, like I do now.”

Like how I didn’t see it with Jessica, we really did have a lot in common, I suppose.

“So, when I saw that they’d all made this huge card for me and posted it on my wall with all of their names written on it, I didn’t know whether to feel regret, guilt or happiness. Regret for leaving them in a way, as even though I still mated with them, I wasn’t the same as I used to have been. Guilt, for abandoning them, as I didn’t stay by them the way I should’ve done when they needed it and I felt I didn’t deserve their kindness. This all lead to happiness, in a strange kind of sense, as even though I didn’t deserve their love, I still had it.

Which I guess must be true friendship, which was half of the reason why I turned my life around, as their gratitude and presentation of care, reminded me of how lucky I was. I hadn’t realised that beforehand…”

I thought that she’d finished, but then I remembered how she said that it was only “half of the reason” for her sudden thoughts about changing her ways. I was going to ask more about what she meant and what had happened, when she begun again.

“Well, I remember when I went to school that day, all of them; Charlotte, Melissa, Sienna, Adriana and Kate, were waiting for me by the gate and when I caught up to them, Charlotte wrapped her arms around me and said “happy sixteenth!” to me excitedly, her voice filled with deep enthusiasm and her facial expression genuinely heart warmed when she pulled away. I remember how they’d already planned a sleepover for us all and how they said we should do something to celebrate, as I hadn’t thought of any good ideas yet to even suggest.

So with their help, care and genuine happiness, along with mine also, which was a first in a while, we had one of the best days of our lives. I know you must be thinking I’m over exaggerating this, but I’m seriously not. Straight after school, as my birthday was in October I was still in school for it, we set out shopping in Edinburgh. It took us about half an hour or so to get into the city centre, as we were on the borderlines, but it was so worth it.

I just had a thought, I mean; now, I should feel strange telling you all of this, shouldn’t I? As I don’t even know you, but funnily enough, I don’t at all feel any indifferent than if I was speaking to one of my long loved friends or a member of the family. To be completely honest, I don’t think I’d even tell them what I’ve told you. Maybe it’d because you aren’t too close to me like that, maybe that’s why I can tell you, as there’s no real attachment. If you get me?”

I nodded, I fully understood what she’d said as I’d had the feeling before. With Silica, as she wasn’t close to me exactly, yet I still felt like she was in a strange sense, which I was slightly wary of.

“So yes, we went shopping in Edinburgh, went to Edinburgh castle, had our tea out and then finally, after a very active day, as we’d been throughout most of the city and seen many sights, headed back home around nine o clock. When we got back to Melissa’s house, as she said her parents were out so we could stay up as late as we wanted, we begun the night. We changed, as we’d been out for many hours and we needed to, I guess.

Then, when we were all ready to start another adventure of the day I turned sixteen, we set out and never once looked back. They’d booked us all tickets to London, without telling me as it was meant to be a surprise, which it most definitely was! We were going to London! London! The capital city of England! I was in utter shock, excitement and surprise at the news, but knowing me, I still looked for problems that could arise.

“Um, what if we don’t come back and our parents get suspicious and then call the police and…” Sienna grasped my shoulders with both hands, in an attempt to calm me and gently spoke, her voice sounding like an angels, as always.

“Molly, Molly! Don’t worry over any of that, okay? We’ve got it all planned out. Just relax and remember that today and tomorrow, these days are going to be two of the best days of our lives. We will be free to go about a capital city on our own, Molly! All six of us and come on, you know you want this as much as I do.”

I nodded, as I knew she was right and let them all convince my stubborn self, as I still believed it was too large of a risk, that this was a good idea, which when I look back, was one of the only things I didn’t regret in that part of my life.

So we caught another train, but this time to London and I noticed how Melissa, knowing her, had packed enough for a week! We were only going for one night. Of course, we had to stop round at Charlotte’s, Sienna’s, Kate’s and Adriana’s house so they could quickly gather their luggage, though they had to be careful of how much they took, as we didn’t want to make it known that we were going so far away.

Charlotte told her mum, as her dad was out with his own friends, that we were all sleeping out at Melissa’s and that we would be back Sunday, as today was Friday. Kate told a similar story to her parents, but Sienna didn’t have chance to tell her parents in person, so she left her mum a voice mail explaining how we were supposedly staying over at Melissa’s. I have to say, she was a very good liar.

When we arrived in London and after we’d done with literally jumping about with wild excitement, we set out to the London Eye, as none of us had ever been to it before and we were thrilled to go on it. It was brilliant, mesmerizing and the perfect start to our weekend away as young adults. After this, we wanted to go to The London Dungeon, but it closed around eight and it was about eleven thirty at the time. I felt so wild, free, adrenaline pumped, wandering the streets with my closest allies and living life on the edge for a change. I loved that day, as it was only the beginning of a remarkable friendship bond between us all and the ending of the old ways I used to have.

That day showed me how I could be happy, laugh, love and live life for real, without needing to be perfect, but I knew I wasn’t fixed completely, even though it did help. If I were, then I wouldn’t be here now, would I? Telling you everything I can think of suited to the topic at hand. I still need some guidance, I guess.”

I understood, yet then again, I didn’t, as I understood most of what she said maybe too well, if I’m honest, but I don’t understand why she sat there before me. She did say there was a reason as to why she hadn’t changed her attitude, but I was eager to find out what that reason was.
“So, what was the reason as to why you knew you weren’t fixed completely then, Molly?”

She smiled shyly and then caught my gaze, still uneasy to discuss her personal thoughts and feelings, though I could tell she needed to get it out.

“Because I…” she looked down to her hands that now rested on Ruster, she then stroked him softly, kindly, like a decent and maybe even deserving human would. She looked back up at me, cleared her throat and finished her last piece to the story she’d been telling me. “Eric changed and no matter how hard I tried to get the old “him” back, I never could. This sent me off back into the worthless daze that I believed life was, as I’d emotionally lost him.

“He never spoke to me ever again after that and I found the pain of being around someone who wasn’t really there anymore too difficult to bare. So I simply, yet coldly, walked away and never looked back as I left him there. On the 13th floor, ward 87 of the mental hospital.” I wasn’t expecting such a deep, dark, yet too saddening ending to her reasoning as to why she’d ended up so sullen and empty.

I now understood her pain, as father had been lost in that way for a while now, which to be honest had grown natural to me.

He was never signed up for a mental health institution or anything, but he had changed a lot and he never spoke, as happily or as enthusiastically as he did when I was young. Time to time, I’d find myself the one to blame for that and I still don’t know why that is.

“It’s no your fault, you know?” I said in a soothing, yet clear tone. I couldn’t turn too empathic, even though I wished to, as it was my duty, for today only, to teach, not to sympathise. Even if she did deserve it.

“It is, as it was my hurt and pain that probably sent him over the edge in the first page. He cares… he used to care so much for me, so much he’d even let my pain turn into his also. I know it was me who did this to him. I know it and that’s why I can never forgive myself.” I knew then, even though I could not empathise with this girl, I desperately needed to show her how she wasn’t to blame for this. If I didn’t, then it’d simply be another innocent soul lost to the deep depths of isolation and false blame. I shouldn’t of done this, well, a part of me believes so, as me doing this only made walking away from the good person I’d become much harder.

But as I’ve said many times, it was, as I believed, my destiny.

“Molly, I need to show you something. Follow me.” We both stood and when she was balanced, she picked up Ruster from the icy ground and held him in her arms again.

“Maybe I can help her and then leave this life, never look back.” I tried to convince myself that this would work but my senses told me it wouldn’t.

“This will only make your “destiny” much harder.” I ignored the thoughts that had me exasperatedly confused and continued onwards, directing Molly to a place she knew already, but wasn’t expecting me to take her. The mental institution, where I would then prove my point to her, that none of this was her fault.

It was a big risk, but I had to take it.

For her sake…
♠ ♠ ♠
Beginning of part 2- Adjust