Imprinted Years

I remember thinking, “am I doing the right thing?” whilst we walked down the cold, dull, empty streets, on route to the mental health institution, where I’d discovered Eric was and looked to my side once, like before, seeing Molly there, Ruster still in her arms. I smiled to myself when I turned to the path ahead of me once again, she was a good one and she deserved my respect and loyalty, but the future players/pupils/interrogates, whatever you wish to call them, wouldn’t be so worthy.

As even though I’d be callous, malicious and sadistic, I would only cause emotional, physical or even mental harm to those who were unworthy of my empathy.

Or so I thought.

As we neared the hospital, I could tell how Molly had turned from slightly on edge to extremely worried, wary even and I then realised I must comfort her.

"It's going to be al-right, you know? None of this is your fault; keep that in your head. Is that clear?" My tone started off as kind and considerate, but moulded into selfish exasperation and lack of pity nearing the end.

Why was I being so harsh? It was so unlike me, exactly, that must have been it. I was trying to adjust into my new form, my new self, which seemed harder than even thinkable, as now my conscience was screaming at me. Like I'd done something awfully wrong, which I had. "What the hell are you doing? Be nice!"

I heard the voice scream at me, I wanted to close my ears, but I couldn't draw any unwanted attention to myself now. Molly way the key aspect here and it simply wouldn't be fair.

"This is life!"

I shouted back in my mind, pretending I didn't know that this had no affect, as I wanted to belief that this wasn't my conscience at all. That it was instead a protester, a denier of all things harsh, yet coldly and honestly true. But this was all deceit on my own behalf. It was my conscience that screamed the words, "betrayer!" and "cursed!" but it was my new, arrogant, selfish self that hid away the fact that this voice was my conscience.

I believed I was doing right by being so cruel and harsh to such a delicate, kind-hearted person in a traumatic, disastrous situation, but I wasn't. I was doing utterly, completely obvious now, looking back, and wrong by doing this.

I was breaking her, even without realising and I didn't feel any guilt.

This worried me.

I watched as the sky turned from a light blue, which was surely odd in Winter, to a dim grey in just several minutes whilst walking.

I felt as the air hit my bare arms, legs, face and neck so harshly, I wondered if Molly and Ruster felt this too. I now looked over to them, whilst this thought had triggered the remembrance of them being here and watched carefully as she still walked steady, careful to not trip and drop Ruster.

I saw this as true love and devotion, skills most humans lack, which is why that soon when I'm done with this, I will betray them. Though I didn't see it as betrayal, as you might have guessed, instead I saw it as righteousness.
I believed that they deserved all they got, as most, from what I believed at the time, only caused hurt and pain to both others and this planet they're all unworthy to possess.
.
When we were facing the hospital, I again checked on Molly, who now clung to Ruster as if she needed him more than he needed her. She looked at me sadly now, both despair and guilt in her eyes. But this human, unlike many others, had no reason for such guilt.

"I understand you, I mean what you've said and how it isn't my fault. How I shouldn't feel so... guilty, but..." she half-heartedly smiled, obviously forced, as she looked like she was about to cry.

"You really shouldn't," I tried to make my tone as compassionate as I could manage to hide later on, as the more kind I was now, the harder it'd be to turn my back on it. "You have no reason to be." I kept it simple, straight forward and I almost sounded uninterested, even though I was, as I kept my voice low and sullen. Still trying to stray from being too kind, as I'd made an oath to live a life of immortality and coldness.

I had to stand by this, like my life depended on it, because it actually did.

When we were only metres from the doors, Molly stopped instantly in her path, still clinging on to her Ruster and shook her head harshly. Stubbornly.

"I won't! I can't!" She turned to walk away from the scene, but my now controlling, shaky hand from aggravation stopped her and she glared at me for the first time. With eyes so hard they could smash glass in an instant. "You can not force me!" she yelled exasperatedly, I knew this must be tiring her so, but I had to at least try to get her to confront herself with this.

"Please, I want to help you!" I shouted back at her, wishing for her to see sense, but maybe to her what she was doing did make sense. Running from something so painful and hurtful. Like running from demons, mistakes, or in literal circumstances, death. I understood her pain, as I was now running from the life I'd shortly shared with such a dear, close, loving friend, but I had to keep trying. "I understand! Okay? I walked away from a friend I loved so much it damn well hurt! Almost physical pain and I will never get over that! I love her. I said it, okay? I love her! I..."

I stopped myself, I was letting too much out, but I couldn't seem to have prevented it, I'd blocked my feelings from the light for so long, they finally decided to break free.

With or without my permission.

Molly watched on as I declared my emotions out in the open, her eyes fixed on me, permanent and I then realised I could trust her. To the limit my trust would go now, anyway, which still wasn't much, but it was something, I suppose.

"That was beautiful." She spoke soft, angelic and perfectly toned, which made me feel warm. The word beautiful, usually associated with all of those, which her features her warm voice had, now had a wide space in my brain and most definitely in my heart. I smiled at her, knowing that she said this to make me feel this way and I was grateful for her concern. When really, she was meant to be the main focus here.

"So, now I've been open and honest with you, which was harder than you may think, believe me, will you please at least try?" I pleaded now, but my voice still sounded slightly demanding, as yet again I was trying to not play it too kind- heartedly. She nodded, hesitating beforehand, but that no longer mattered. She'd agreed to at least try it, which meant that she would hopefully put some effort into staying in control. I hope she did this.
Not for me or for my satisfaction or gratitude, but for herself.

It was about time, that she realised she was one of the good ones of her kind. It was bad enough that many sinners out there believe themselves innocent, but when an angelic, kind soul like her own believes themselves guilty for something they were the victim of, it's purely unbearable to think deeply of. That is why, well, one of the main reasons, I tried to distance myself from thinking over this too deeply. As I knew her pain and I hated the fact that I knew it almost like if it were my own.

When we finally got inside of the institution, I smiled at Molly, meant to show how I supported her and she smiled back, but hers still seemed wary and saddened.

I tried my best to comfort her in this way, but there's only so much comforting a smile can do. When we reached the floor Eric's ward was on, I suddenly had the urge to squeeze her hand in an attempt to sympathise with her, but more to comfort her in what obviously to her was a traumatic, difficult stage. But I resisted, as I knew we'd both find this action awkward and I also knew that I just might end up triggering an emotional trigger within her heart. Plucking the wrong string and I was afraid of the outcome of such a move.

So I strayed from this thought of kindness and empathy and instead stayed to my easily approached method of smiling an encouraging smile at her.

But this time she didn't smile back to me, not out of rudeness, as that would've been out of character for her, but out of the shock and reality that had bound to have just hit her hard within. I felt pity for her, but I then realised I shouldn't feel empathic any more. "I had to face losing someone close to me, so she can do it, yes?" I wasn't too sure any more, as I'd chosen to walk away from Jessica, but Molly had no other choice, except to sit with the man she once loved and pretend she still felt something.

When in reality, she wouldn't ever feel the same ever again, this is why I don't blame her for leaving him, but it did get me wondering, if I ever got together with that boy who enamoured me so, would or could I ever leave him?

Even if the circumstances were as bad as this?

To be honest, I don't think I could, as even though he would have changed from the man I would've loved, he was still the same person deep inside his heart. I think that should be enough for me to stay by his side as long as humanly possible, as I don't think I could ever stray from such a being. Who captivated not only my heart, but my mind also. Making it almost impossible to be without him, if me being with him was the case, that is.

We finally came to the door that lead us into Eric's ward, even I had Goosebumps and a cold sense when we stood here, Ruster quiet, as if he knew it too. So I now imagined how awful Molly must be feeling right now, as she was the one who felt this feeling the strongest along with countless other feelings too. How could she ever do this? How could have I made her or convinced her to do this? This was my entire fault, but I couldn't begin arguing against myself now, she'd finally built up the bravery and confidence to do this and I couldn't end that.

I pulled myself together, putting everything into clear perspective and edged her on, not too demandingly; yet still clear that I believed she must go through with this.

"All you need to do now, is one tiny little thing and then you're with him again," She seemed even tenser after I'd said this. "Everything will be okay, please understand that." What was I saying? How did I know anything about if and how it would be okay? I didn't, that's my point, but I did know that this was good for her.
So with one hesitant, yet necessary step, Molly enclosed her left hand around the doorknob and twisted it. The next movement she'd make would unleash the unknown of what lay inside this ward to us and there'd be no escape from it. I had no right to fear this kind of unknown, she did, but I didn't, as it wasn't my pain that would be triggered by it. But I simply couldn't help but feel wary of it still.

A sea of beds, lights, coldness and icy emotions embrace me when we walked in. I closed my eyes and suddenly had the urge to walk or run away from such an atmosphere, but my integrity and desire to find out more forced me to stay, which seems selfish to me now looking back. My reasoning for staying there mustn’t have been for my own selfish desires, but for the desire to help out an ally.

I wouldn’t go as far to call her a “friend” as I took that word very seriously and still do, many may have few or lots of these, but I simply have one. No points for guessing who or what that is. Anyway, I saw her as an ally, as she was genuine and honest enough to tell me such personal details, which I admire her for. I could never have done that, especially in her situation and what demons she had. I did have demons, but they were my own fault, hers weren’t. So she had no control over them.

We walked past many ill, many hurting and many seemingly lost souls as we walked past the beds that lead us to Eric and I was now ever more eager to find Eric in all of this uncontrollable mayhem around me, as I believed he would calm us both. Compared to this, he can’t have been half as bad, or pitiful, or unbearable to even watch, never mind talk to. But I never expected to see him, when we came up close to him lying still and senseless on his bed, so dismissed from the rest of the world. He seemed exactly like the others, only he didn’t scream, rock back and forth or shake like the others.

He just simply lay there, eyes wide open, but apart from that, he seemed asleep, or dead even. As if the Eric Molly had described in her memories seemed to be awake like other beings outside of the institution; but this Eric that lay weak and empty before us, was dead amongst the outer world.

His smile long gone, his eyes long dead, his mouth long not spoken any form of language or even sound and finally, his soul hiding out in darkness for so long.

My worst fears of Eric had been confirmed.

He wasn’t going to ever be the same again.

He was broken and I dreaded Molly’s reaction to this realisation.

When I turned to look at her, her face was as white as his.

Ghostly.

I now saw the side of her also, that was dead or in other words, cut off from the world.

In this moment in time, she’d joined him, like a true loved one, in the world of darkness and sullenness.

She now carried his pain, his isolation, his silent, senseless suffering along with her own. She may too, if she let it happen, be broken and no one, nothing or any soul on this Earth could stop it if she did.

She’d simply be lost to emptiness; sadness, nothingness and it’d be a complete waste of a kind, loving soul like hers. A pity, even though she was one of them, a human, she was still worth a lot to Earth, but I now feared, watching her eyes turn from scarce to complete emptiness in a matter of seconds, that she was already lost. It seemed right to me, fair, for me to stay by her now, even though my selfishness and differences from her told me to leave. I believed I at the time that I should’ve left her, as I shouldn’t make allies with any human, even Molly, who seemed kind and honest.

But I was naive, narrow minded and careless then, though even though I withheld these characteristics, I found some heart within me to stay. If I could teach the cruel side of humankind, Macy, for example, to care for others more, then I should teach the generous, understanding side to forgive themselves for demons they weren’t meant to possess in the first place.

Staying by her now was the right thing to do, I knew that then as well as I still do now.

After a few moments of what I supposed would be eternal, menacing silence, Eric was the first to speak since we’d entered the ward, which surprised me. He smiled at us both first, his smile broken and pretend, and as if he was hiding something that was right on show, which he was in a sense.

He wished to hide his situation, his current state and appearance. He wanted Molly to remember him as he used to be, not this crumpled, empty soul that stood before us. This smile wasn’t meant for me, or even Molly for that matter, it was merely a failure of an attempt to try and seem controlled and together to his conscience.

He knew that if he came across this way but without trying to conceal it, his guilt would build up ever more for putting Molly, his love, his friend, through such emotional agony. This was a sight to pity, which was against the point of him taking this action.

“Hello Molly and your friend, I’m guessing?” She contemplated over whether to say I was or wasn’t her friend. If she’d said that I was or implied it anyway, it sure would be less suspicious for my being her, but it would also be a lie. She was a good, honourable person, but I couldn’t call her a friend and it was the same situation for herself also.

I could tell she’d thought about what to say, as she tilted her head slightly, in an attempt to think it over and I could almost sense the thought process occurring in her mind. But it was I who answered his question, even though it sounded that it was directed only to her, I knew from his tone that it didn’t matter who answered. He simply just wanted an answer, which is understandable, I suppose.

“Hmm, I’d rather call it more of an acquaintance, see, we haven’t communicated much and I’ve heard little from her and her from me so far. But we are on a similar wavelength, I suppose. Might I ask who you are?” I guessed I’d to play myself down a tad, as I would be better coming across unknowing of his character, name, personal details such as that and to be a little more placid towards him.

Something about his current state, threatened my eagerness to exploit his characteristics. I knew he was unstable, even if only slightly so; I had to be careful of my words and actions. He smiled an unsure, uneven smile, one that seemed to be an attempt to get to me, which it did and continued.

“Can I ask you something before I answer your question as to who I am?” I nodded, trying to not let his tone and way with words have me fear him or his accusations that might come with it.
I closed my eyes for a split second and prepared for him to accuse something of me, as I could tell with his maybe too sincere and edgy tone, he certainly wished to confront me.

“Why did you bring her here and please, do me the courteous honour of telling me your name? Like I already asked.” He spoke the last line rather ferociously, demandingly, which now I understand, as he had asked me my name and I completely either forgot or dismissed his question.

I smiled mockingly, as if what he’d said had irritated me, which it had and tried to not look as openly shocked as I felt within. How did he know it was my idea to come here and how I was the one to convince her? Molly. His love. I knew his curiosity may have turned to angst with the answer he so longed to know, yet so eagerly wanted to dismiss, but he asked for it.

“To prove that it’s your fault not hers and Abre, that’s my name.”

Too harsh, I know that now, but his confident, undermining tone had me infuriated and I didn’t see another way to go about it.

I may as well have been blind.

“Be careful of what you say, Abre. You never know when it can come back to haunt you,” he smiled a seemingly taunting and tedious smile, then continued, “do you, Abre?”

I flinched as he repeated my name for the second time now, only moments after learning what my name actually was. This made me feel cold, strange, fear, in a sense, as I wondered why he wished to use my identity against me. Did he know who I was? What I’d done? What I was about to do?

“Don’t be so weak! You naïve little… Look, both you and I know that he can’t possibly know about your life and well, your future! Think it through, Abre!”

I guess I must have been insane, as now the voice inside my head, that I now know to be my conscience burning within me, was talking as if it was my sidekick or something. As if my conscience and myself were two different souls and the more I think of this, the more it seems like reality.

But no matter how hard I told myself, how much I focused believing he knew nothing, the other side of my conscience, my other soul, argued against the other. This happened so quickly and in such quantity over those few moments, I seriously began thinking I had a migraine coming on.

“Naïve? How can she be naïve? Stop telling her such rubbish! Nonsense! Useless, meaningless information!”

The other part of me laughed sarcastically, in an attempt to rub it in.

“But it still is information though, isn’t it? You know I could be right!”

I wanted to enclose my hands around my ears to block out the noise, but that would have been useless, as the voices were in my head. I was mad. I had to have been.

“It could be, yes, but the logical explanation is that he knows nothing at all. What is the chance of crossing paths with not one, but two mind readers in the matter of a few weeks?”

The other side of me sighed, as if contemplating this and processing it, but finally came up with a slightly contradicting response.

“But there still is the chance, or was for that matter”

“I’m awfully sorry, Eric if I caused any… offence, but I’m sure that you can excuse me for being opinionated.” I met his gaze, cold and strong, yet still in parts distant. Distant from humanity and distant from life itself, yet I still couldn’t pity him. Not when he might know about me, what I am was and what I may do.

My past was my own burden, my present at the time was my own to make and my future, well, that was my own fate to decide upon myself. I couldn’t have any human destroy that cycle, as I live for a purpose, which I was unaware of at the time. Now I see it, the cracks beneath the surface, the real destiny of mine, but I never did see it back then. Not even slightly so, as I was to encased in my present, to care that much of my past and future.

“Offended?” his question seemed rather more intrigued than shocked or a lack of understanding, which pleased me slightly to be honest, as I like those who know how to play this game. “Why would I be offended and why, Abre, why must you be sorry? I merely advised you to be careful with your words, but I suppose you took this offer of help as an insult in some form. I guess I should be the one to apologize.”

His tone made me anxious, suspicious even, as I could tell he was hiding something and I also understood he wished me to know this. To know that he had reason to be guarded, which was something I knew to be curious about, as curiosity, as my father has said many times, “is the main method to success.” I never used to understand my father when he said this, but back then in present time when I was speaking with Eric in this worryingly intriguing manner, I understood.

I was right to feel curious and I know that now, but I still felt like I was putting my hand into raw, seizing fire by being so intrigued.

“Don’t speak such nonsense,” I said this too orderly, too aggressively than I meant to and I knew better, “I mean, don’t go blaming yourself so carelessly! We all need some guidance at times, some more than others, which was the main reason I brought Molly to you.” I eased the tone of my before demanding to now a more cooling, soft touch, as I’d then realised Molly was still with us and had been all along.

Neither of us could backfire all we’d said to one another, but I knew that I had to try and find a way to finalize the situation. Therefore, once again, I could set out with my new life route. Destiny. Which seems selfish now thinking back, but an accountably strong part of me still wanted to make this right for both Eric and Molly, even if Eric did have me wary. He still deserved the right to be happy, from what I’d seen.

“I want you both to understand that neither of you are at blame. Sometimes, humans find ways, either accidentally or unknowingly on purpose, to separate themselves from what they know is good for them. This can lead to a breakage or dismantling of the mind’s processes of the mind and in some cases heart of the person/s involved. With you, Eric, I believe you’ve let yourself become weakened, which may or may have not been avoidable and have let your conscience blame you for whatever negative events have occurred in your past. Molly, yours seems to be similar, only it seems to me that you have let your heart become weakened by your past and by you letting yourself to believe that everything or most events in your past are your fault. This must stop, as this, I mean, what has happened to your love Eric isn’t your fault at all.
You never ran away from him because you didn’t want to help him, Molly, instead you walked away because you believed you couldn’t help him or couldn’t stand to watch someone so darn close to you fade. Does this make sense to you both?”

They both nod so I continue.

“What I’m trying to say is that you two are actually blessed to have each other, but Molly, I want you to know that you’re a good person. I’m not human, I can tell you two that as you wont find me when I leave here, but if I was, I know that I could put my trust and faith in you, Molly. I’m sure you mean a lot to Eric and that he means a lot to you, but you haven’t sinned her. Not at all and please, know that you mean a great deal to those around you. Your friends, your family, your peers and I hope you can see that the scars you wear now are from your past, not your present.

They are a part of you, I’m not dismissing that, but they aren’t you. I’m sure you regret making them, hate dealing with them and dread facing the demons they hide behind their markings on you. I know the feelings, but I know it in more of an emotive sense, as I’ve done many things I regret, which have created undetectable to the naked eye scars. I doubt I am as strong as you in character, Molly, as I’ve never had the bravery to confront myself with them, but you have. Please, just remember that you’re a good person and your life is valued and that I understand your reasons, as I’ve felt your demons.”

Molly unexpectedly threw her arms around me and held me close to her, this made me want to weep, as it reminded me of how Jessica embraced me all of those days, weeks, hours ago, but I simply couldn’t cry now. When we pulled apart, she went over to Eric, who was now sat up in his bed smiling at me with gratefulness, which I believed I didn’t deserve and she then hugged him also. Only tighter, as this embrace wasn’t new for her now, like it was when she did this with me, instead this embrace was a remembrance for her.

Remembering what it was like to hold him, feel his heat against her own, love him and this was a beautiful site, yet it pained me to watch, as I knew that their relationship would never be the same again.

She then looked back at me, Eric followed her movement seconds later and they both said almost simultaneously “thank you.” I wasn’t fond of hearing this right at the time, as I didn’t believe I was worthy of such thanks, but instead of questioning it like a part of me wished to, I simply nodded in returned thanks and turned my back on them. I wanted to stay, get to know them and furthermore help them, but I believed that doing so was against what I now stood for.

My oath.

I guess I was more human than I wished to be at the time, as leaving hurt more than expected inside, which looking back doesn’t faze me at all. I hurt leaving Eric’s bedside as I knew that after which I’d be heading towards the door that lead me not only out of the ward where these two interesting characters now stood, but also away from the life a part of me longed to keep. But I couldn’t live two lives and I’d chosen my path a long time ago. It was about time I began living like what I agreed to myself I was going to be. Cold, unforgiving, merciless and what seemed the most profitable of them all, powerful, but now I can see how callous and malicious power actually made me…