Imprinted Years

I remember returning to the abandoned building where I’d been staying for the past few weeks, still thinking of my lost, yet still strongly thought of friend when I open the door, as I’d done every morning and night beforehand.

I smile to myself, remembering when I feared what Jessica would think if she knew of me dreaming about one of them. A human, yet what made me smile and laugh now, was remembering how she already knew. I feared something I simply needn’t have done, but thinking back I think I still would have strayed from telling her. As now it isn’t fear of her opinion of me or anything small like that which held me back, not even the personal distaste I had for humans at the time, instead now I see it as she was meant to be my one and only ally.

I suppose I still feel odd admitting I’d others as well as, but I know she doesn’t mind and if anything I think she likes it that I’ve communicated with others. Probably because I’m learning in a sense, learning to put the inconsiderate side of me to one side, but at this stage in my life, right after leaving Molly and Eric in the mental institution, I walk through this now well known door to me, as the selfish, arrogant, confident and finally condescending soul I believed was to be my destiny.

I still had no idea, when I twisted the lock and pushed hard, what was to be revealed. I guess a million parts of me now think it to be bad luck; yet I must at least still have even just one part of me that still longs for the return of this. The feeling of the unknown and who knows, maybe that one, small piece of me, is enough to shame the other million into the dark.

I remember how I laughed hysterically when the pitch black array of pure darkness hit me, I remember squinting also, which made me laugh too. I felt as if that if I didn’t laugh and smile, then I’d simply cry at all the random memories that began to come at me. Memories of Jessica and I singing random tunes, some made up and some in the charts.

See, we had this radio in the house that we’d put on whenever we felt really bored, because feeling bored wasn’t at option at times, so it was only a last resort whenever one of us would turn it on. We both seemed to appreciate the magnificence of priceless, never ending silence. Forever silence, I guess and it was that piece of this Earth that bonded us together in a way, as that was one example of how we were connected.

Something that can’t be destroyed when you’re completely alone, which I felt I was now.

But I wasn’t.

She caught my attention before I reached the top of the stairs this time, as I was now slowly and steadily ascending to the higher landing, when I heard breathing beneath where I stood. Or roughly so, anyway, which made me alert, yet still wary of my actions. Cautiously, I retraced my steps, now descending the staircase, our staircase, Jessica’s and mine.

“You can’t think like that now! Don’t go all-soft on me now! You can’t, you just can’t!”

The tougher side of me was right to shout at the other, but I still felt odd restraining my deeper thoughts. I then pulled myself together and drew in a cool; quick breathe before I charged at the shadow that now greeted me in the dark. I should’ve been panicked, worried even, but it all happened far too quickly for me to notice any fear.

Before either of us could exchange any cold, callous comebacks to one another, I lunged at her and I needed no weapon to tackle her. Or so I thought. She beat me to it, as expected and pinned my slim self to the wall, which lead me to try and wriggle out of her trap, but I was simply too weak. Instead, I hit her back with my own force, sending her cowering over into a bent over, exhausted state, but she soon recovered. Again, as I expected, but instead of charging at me again like an angered bull, she put her hand out, fingertips facing upwards, in an attempt to plead for me to stop. So I did, as her doing this confused me at the time because I knew of her skills and potential.
She was pretending, or maybe, she needed to speak to me instead of fight me, because if she wished to fight me, she would, as we both knew who ruled dominant in this scenario, whether I liked that or not.

“Ah, I see…” she smiled teasingly at me, the way Eric had done in the mental institution, which sent a cool shiver down my spine and it wasn’t the good kind. This proved her insanity levels were sky high, which in this case, was an extremely dangerous feature. I restrained feelings of scarce and suspicion and instead of crying out useless rubbish that would no longer help me, I had to be smart. Play our game the way she wishes to, as I was now thinking like how Becky did when I hit her. I know where I stand, so I must do so and not challenge that.

“See what, Silica?” I ask in a slightly too demanding tone, so I quickly hurry at making an attempt to soften my voice, “I’m intrigued you see, that’s all.” I smiled, a little too sarcastically for the act I was trying to put on, but I believe it’d worked, as she smiled back. Not in the same sarcastic way I did, which I think I did by accident, but instead, hers seemed to me as honest respect.

Genuine, which didn’t seem like her at all.

I then realised without even thinking over it in great detail, that neither Jessica nor Silica were good or bad here. They simply were implications of humankind, but there were different in small, yet useful ways, but no human could see their true strengths. They’d both killed and hurt, alike myself and had both surely done good and bad things, but they simply took different paths. Yes, they were on different sights and if there were a feud between them both, they surely wouldn’t back down to one another, as they were and will always be equals in that sense.

Only Jessica seems to care more than Silica, even if she too has sinned. I’m not saying Jessica is perfect, no one is, but what I am saying is that no human, no soul, no being on this Earth is perfect. Life simply wouldn’t function the same if it were that way. The difference between Jessica and Silica is that Jessica took the side that suited her, but instead, Silica took the side she believed was her destiny. As I had done and yet I’m still unaware of whether that was more right than wrong and visa versa.

“Well, all I meant by that was that I see how you still haven’t changed. Not enough, anyway. Not for the life you believe you wish for.”

She spoke the words “I see” more certain than she did the others, as this seemed to be an attempt to catch my attention. Which it did. I wanted to challenge her now, ask, well more demand, reasons for her allegations, but I had to stay in role. Chilled and cut off from her, if I didn’t remain like this, then I could really lose control, which I knew would be a bad thing.

“Hmm, well I do want this, surely you must see that, Silica?” I asked her this too pretentiously, too distantly to support my rather lame act of a genuine soul. I was meant to be acting as an ally in a sense, or someone who isn’t ashamed to speak what they truly think, which I wasn’t at all, as I was ashamed. I didn’t want to lose her respect, or for me to lose control, which is why I put on such a front, but now I feared my attempts had backfired.

“I see that,” she smirks a little too knowingly for my liking, as if trying to imply to me that she knows I’m a liar in a sense, or maybe just a very bad actress. I go on with it anyway, as I can’t back out now.

“But what I also see, behind that cleverly put on mask you wear, is that you miss her don’t you? Are your ambitions strong enough to overrule such loyalty?
Loyalty rather similar to how a pet would remain loyal to its owner?”

I cringed at the word “its” as she meant for this to resemble me and that I was nothing more than a pet to Jessica. I wanted to prove her wrong, but I had to stay in character, or in the “mask” as she put it.

“Yes, I do miss her. Very much so, but before we get going all warm and deep in one another’s thoughts, maybe we should just get staring. Yes?” She smiled again, which wasn’t a good sign, so I smiled back, as if saying “I’m not afraid of you, I will never be so.”

But really I was thinking, “I am afraid of your potential, whether that is a good or bad thing or simply neither exactly and I guess that I will forever be so. As long as I live this life.”

I couldn’t take the mask off though, even if she’d seen it already. I couldn’t let myself be completely bare, not yet, anyway.

Was I strong enough to “overrule” my truest emotions? The ones I’d linked to such an impacting person in my so far quite confusing life? Could I ever break away from her, or would I forever be bound to her in some way? Maybe even if I did join Silica for goodness knows how long, I could still think of her every hour, or day, or week. It doesn’t really matter how much I thought of her, but if I still thought of her, which was rather likely, it would mean that I still love her.

It’d be the kind of love that is actually irreplaceable, as it’s not only on Earth where this connection is shared; it’s also in me. It’s a part of me, I can’t go ripping that piece of me out, because even if I tried my hardest to destroy her from within. Destroy our memories, our friendship, and our few days as allies. I simply couldn’t destroy the remains of what would’ve used to have been there.

Parts of her would still lurk within me, even if I did wish for them not to, which I don’t think I ever did.

“Silica, let me be completely honest with you,” this made her head rise again and her deep blue eyes with the blackest, most possessive, demanding pupils I thought I’d ever seen greeted me again.

“I’m not the kind of being to get so… pathetic over a past friend or ally, if that’s more preferable. I do not love her and I shall never ever wish to be by her side again. We are simply from different worlds and we obviously have different morals. Mine, as my fathers were, are to rule confidant and well, to rule. Hers are to leave in peace, I suppose and stray from such a life. She’s still confidant and powerful, I guess, but she will never be like us Silica. Never. Which is why I chose you and also why I left that life. I’m quite honestly and truthfully not like her in the slightest anymore.

Understand that.”

Silica smiled at me as if my words were music to her ears and I suppose they were in a sense, as I’d told her she was my main idol; not Jessica Marie White.

“But you do know, Abre, that what you’ve just told me then, can all be reversed when you learn and grow wiser? You may wish to be her friend or ally again, no?” I shook my head, which now I regret doing, as I did still wish to be her friend as I did really love her, but I’d to pretend I didn’t to stick by the morals I’d chosen. The life I’d made for myself. The name I would make for myself. I did wish to still be by her side, as you probably already have guessed, but Silica did seem at the time a better idol for me personally.
I then realised how bitterly I’d spoken of Jessica in that speech I’d made to Silica. I’d said words like “friend” and “never” rather bitterly, both supporting the illusion that she wasn’t my friend at all. But it was also the way Silica spoke “friend” and “ally” that had me inclined to turn against Jessica and to keep on with this life I’d chosen for myself. I see now how Silica had more control over me than I’d presumed and certainly more than I wanted.

“Like I said, Silica,” a little too bitterly, “ I made my choice weeks ago, only today I will go through with it, because that’s the right thing to do.”

She chuckled at my sudden nervousness speaking the last few words and strolled right up to me, where we still stood in the lower hallways of the abandoned building where she’d found me. I smiled before she could at her and she then raised her left eyebrow and studied me completely.

“Right for what or whom, Abre? You? Jessica? Your conscience?” All of those she’d said were completely accurate, but I couldn’t let her see through my lies.

“No, don’t be absurd!” I shout too exasperatedly, as if I was holding something in, which I was, but I quickly soothed my tone, “It is simply right for my destiny.”

This made her smile turn ever more crooked and malicious, she then touched my cheek with her index finger, aiming for my eyes to meet hers, but she condescended above me. Both literally speaking and metaphorically so, this made me shiver with cold rushed of angst and shame. Angst, as I wasn’t strong enough to fight the shame; shame, because I wasn’t steady enough to push her away. My bones were shaking; my head dizzy, my pulse racing and this all kept me from being strong. “As long as you’re sure and may I ask, what is your destiny exactly?”

“My destiny?” I ask her rhetorically, but she nods in confirmation anyway, so I continue. “To learn from my idol, which is you.” I smile at her too eagerly, too caringly, too relaxed and this sends her suspicions of me sky high.

“Honoured,” she laughed again after saying this, “but why is it, Abre, you idolize me?”

I didn’t speak for a moment, as I was too afraid to do so. What would she do if she found out I was hiding my true emotions? That she wasn’t my main idol at all at that point, well, only in parts, I guess. She was my idol, yes, but not in the way I idolized Jessica. She probably already knew I was lying to her, so me not answering didn’t arouse her suspicions any more than I already had done.

“Well?” she demanded once more, this time more genuine and serious, as her tone had lowered in pitch. This could mean danger, yet I no longer cared, as I was fatigued. I wished to sleep; yet I’d to go through with this, as this was my commitment in a way. The meeting that would lead me onto my new destiny, or so I thought. I now realised I must answer her, before she gets even more curious as to why I don’t answer her questions, but just as I begin to think of something to say, she speaks again. “I’m intrigued you see, that’s all.”

Isn’t copycat a game you play when you’re a child? Which I guess is ironic, as children are pure, ignorant and innocent. She was only one of these.

Ignorant.

Ignorant to all good around her, or so I thought.

Maybe she chose this; maybe she needed it, but I knew for sure she’d never be bare again.
But that wasn’t all at all, was it? It never is. Not in this game of life and death, sins and saint-like deeds, hurt and warmth, cold and hot, emptiness and completeness, sorrow and delight, night and day, light and darkness. These were all beginning to mix into one another, moulding into new emotions by the minute. I didn’t feel fear; nor did I feel relaxed. I simply felt paranoid.

A kind of mixture between the two, I think.

“You’re powered, ruthless, careless and confident. All of the characteristics I’ve longed to overrule humans for years on end now. That is why.” This was easy for me to say, as it was true. I had always wanted all of those features, I had wanted to overrule humans, but I’d never really known enough about them to actually go through with it myself. Alone, I mean. There were plenty of reasons to hurt them, both physical and mental pain, but I’d always cowered out of it. I needed a teacher and Silica would be that teachers.

To be honest, she taught me both positive and negative lessons, which I still remember, even though some I wish not to. She made me into a great, worthy, powerful being, who was able to lead, but she also made me into the opposite also, as the more power-hungry I turned, the less genuine I became.

Exactly like her.

“Well then, are you ready to begin?” I nodded, even though I literally didn’t know what I was getting myself into by doing so, but I still wanted to begin whatever she’d in mind because it simply intrigued me and even now I still like the sound of adventure.

I knew it’d be an adventure in some sense, as Silica was wiser than me and much more spontaneous from what I’d seen, so I could trust her to mean what she said, well, implied I suppose. The way she said, “begin” also announced to me that we were starting something. I heard a hint of not quite excitement, but rather more like enthusiasm in her tone, which was the first clue. Also, she smiled to me in a slightly anticipating way after saying this, which made me ever much more curious. I now smiled back, but I could feel the smile I now wore was rather uneasy and forced in a sense, as even though I too was anticipating the following events, I still felt slightly paranoid and anxious, as I still didn’t know whether I’d like the outcome.

She took me, well; brought me all of the way to where I dreamt I saw her in my dream, well, what I believed was a dream. I suddenly felt the urge to gasp when I’d realised where we were and how I yet again was wearing my supposed outfit that I’d die in, if I chose wrongly. This was meant to be remembered as Jessica’s and my encountering with one another, but now I saw the truth, which was that this place resembling peace and serenity was no more.

Now all it resembled was hell and I only then realised, “this is where I took Molly” and this thought did scare me slightly, I have to say.

Had I known this all along? Did I unconsciously decide to take her here? Was it all a misunderstanding or was it in fact all linked? Will I really die here?

“Why have you brought me here, Silica?” I asked her this, my voice coarse and rough, my eyes filled with angst and confusion, but I tried to seem comforted when she turned to look at me. I didn’t. “To test you,” she smirked a little too maliciously for my liking, “you see, I liked testing others you know.” Yes, because she was a teacher and it seems way too obvious to me now, that she’d planned out more of our encounters than I then believed. She was smarter than I gave her credit for, even though I did credit her intellect dearly, she was still far greater, which is a worrying thought.

“How is it your place to test me?” I aggressively demanded her; I was infuriated by her confidence, her might, her brave attitude towards anything and everything about her. I was also enamoured by all of this, which made the ambivalent emotions within me even more difficult to bare. I wanted to run away from it, like my emotions usually told me to do, well, more like instructed me to do.

I closed my eyes, exasperated by the confusion and unknowing happenings of the day.

I wanted to hide out from the world, sleep, but I couldn’t.

This was my life now; I’d to live up to it.

Whether I liked it or despised it. I’d chosen it.

She charged at me from where she’d stood only a metre or two away, nearly knocking my mentally weakened self down, but I saw the action before she could complete it. I shoved my fist into her stomach, letting her moan in agony as it hit her, both literally and metaphorically speaking. I then aimed to hit her once more, like I’d tried to do with Becky, but Silica was too quick, too agile, too hungry for my pain, my suffering, to allow that.

Instead, she grasped onto my arm and then pulled my now restraining body towards her own. She then twisted her own arm around my neck, only barely allowing my lungs to breath in and out air. Wow, this was good wasn’t it? Less than an hour of being together as a supposed “team” and we were already trying to kill one another.

She kept me in a headlock whilst she chuckled in my ear, then let me lower to the floor, but she still followed me, her arm still clasped around my now swollen neck. I writhed in pain, struggling and twisting to try and get out of her trap, but it didn’t work. I’d only get out of this when she wanted me to, unless I used my brain instead of my arrogance. I was being arrogant, as I felt so desperate to escape from her trap only to hit her again when I’d finally freed myself, but instead, I resisted that side of me.

“I have a right to know!” I shouted, well, croaked, as her grasp only tightened when I opened my mouth to speak. I closed my eyes, expecting death to come, as I’d begun feeling light-headed and exhausted.

“I’m going to die! What can I do? It’s all of my fault.”

Not the voices, I remember thinking, not again.

“Exactly! Your fault! Yours! Yours. Just don’t embarrass yourself.”

I swallowed my pride and tried once more to escape, only this time, she let me free.

I shoved my feet against the grey; dull ground till the serpent that had attacked me ever so ferociously was far enough away from me and I from her. I breathed in and out, a sign of my body’s cells calming once again and glared at her till she sat also, still only few metres away from me though. I closed my eyes, wishing to be alone, but I’d signed up for this, so I’d to play this game right. “So…” the atmosphere was awkward, so I didn’t know what to say right away, “what must I do?”

Both Silica and I knew what this meant, as I was now her pupil, therefore I’d to do as she said. She made the rules and I’d learn from them.

“Well, let me apologize for my behaviour just then,” she smiled deceitfully at me and the continued, letting her tone turn slightly more genuine when she did, “but, you’re right to assume that we must start right away.

By this, I mean our first project is a criminal and we must see fit to make sure that he gets the punishment he truly deserves. You may differ from me whereas opinions of others, most likely humans, go, but know now that I despise them and that I don’t take kindly to crimes committed against nature.

“Even human nature, as this criminal, who I’d rather refer to as a monster killed an infant and to be honest, I don’t care what species you are, when you’re too young to make mistakes that burden you, then surely you’re too young for such cruelty. I’m not supporting any cruelty to just any humans, but those who sin, deserve to pay for it.”

I nod, but my mind is still processing all she’d said. He killed a child! This angered me so much, I didn’t even realise that my fist was balled up and facing the cold, hard ground due to such angst.

“He deserves whatever he gets! I don’t care what was up with him or what possessed him to do that! To kill a child, how is that even possible? Ugh!”

I didn’t know whether that was my sensible or ruthless side taking over now, maybe a fusion of the two, as my sensible side would most likely agree with these words of angst that would most likely be expected from my ruthless side. I did want this criminal to suffer, as here I did agree with Silica. He was a monster and a monster such as that deserves its punishment.

I let a furious growl escape my throat and caught Silica’s eyes on mine. I was in and I didn’t care who or what I hurt. I wanted this life. I wanted to be sadistic if monsters like that were a part of humankind. I would’ve done anything to stray from them as much as possible, even if that meant inflict harm on them.

This really was the beginning.

The next time Silica and I’d speak, would be in the middle of our revenge.

A revenge that wasn’t ours to have, but we still took it into our own hands anyway.

“Let’s go,” we shared one last moment of ambitious glances, before we stood, ready to find this monster that we’d sure teach a lesson, “now.”

We left the scene of the icy rocks, like I’d done with Molly and Jessica beforehand and headed out to find a monster. I didn’t expect what did happen that day to happen at all, but if I had expected it, I can’t really say that I’d have done anything differently. It was now when we were walking away, assumingly in the direction to finding him, or rather it, when I realised that Silica hadn’t yet told me how it was her place to test me. Though, a part of me already knew the answer to that. I was the least powerful, the most vulnerable, at the time.

That was why…