Imprinted Years

I nervously tapped my fingers one by one against the cold desk, in front of where she stood, eyes alive and confused, as were mine. I smiled at her unevenly, in an attempt to signify for her to calm her reaction to my being here, as I didn’t like Silica at most times anyway, which was strange as I chose to side with her, but Silica suspicious? That would be lethal.

“Becky,” I spoke nervously, as I knew I had to give off some recognition of her. My act simply was too obvious for me to say I didn’t know her at all, which would lead to a failure on my behalf.

“Abre, I remember you from…” she looked away from me to Silica and then back again, “school. What an amazing coincidence, huh?” I nodded sheepishly, weakly and then gently murmured, “yeah,” I could feel Silica’s eyes burning into me, but I could no longer see them, due to the dizziness clouding my eyes, “a humongous one.”

All I recalled from that scene, was the world turning grey before me and suddenly, I had the ceiling right above myself. I was confused, but my eyes closed, which kept me from begging my senses to explain to me what the hell had just happened. I remember peace, loneliness, yet sustainability.

Three things I’d lived with for a long time, before I came across any of these faces that flashed before my eyes. Jessica, Silica, Berao, Molly, Eric, Becky, the boy who enamoured me all of them weren’t a part of my life a few mere weeks ago, but now, they filled my mind more than any other piece in this extraordinary, forever changing game called life.

“Hey, are you al-right girl?” I heard a currently unheard of voice in the atmosphere, the air; therefore this voice didn’t belong to Silica or Becky. This made me shiver, as I felt weak and ashamed by my fainting scene, but I needed to stop my head from spinning until I could at least open my eyes to retaliate even slightly.

When I did, the lights above me shone brighter than any other, as the walls of this strangely pure white room, strange seeing as it was prison, made the light even brighter, if that was possible.

I squinted and then saw two blurry figures towering my fatigued self.

I smiled to Silica, but not as eagerly as I’d have liked to have done, as I was still distant from any other being or beings. I was dead, in my own sense, as only I could get to me in the way that seemed right. When others voices ringed, eyes glared, breathe breathed about me, I felt odd. Unnatural even, which was new to me, as I’d never had to feel overpowered by beings before.

My life had been rather empty in that aspect until now, but I’d never felt this overwhelmed. I’d been around father many times and never had I felt so dispersed in my own, unknown to anyone else world or madness and loneliness. That I liked in my own strange, incurable way, as I liked being alone. It made me feel more independent, strong and free to think and do whatever I wished to.

When I’d brought myself alive and back into the “real” world enough to sit up, I looked over, head still dizzy and eyes still blurred, to the man who’s voice had spoken. His face was sullen, shadowed, yet mysterious, as he had a hint of adrenaline with him. He didn’t look depressed like I thought at first glance at his seemingly miserable face, but he was disturbed and yes, there was and still is a difference. His eyes were hazel, hair brown and skin pale, which made his eyes stand out.

I thought him enamouring whereas beauty and flawlessness is concerned, as after a moment or two, a moment too long, of looking at him, I could find now flaw. I smiled instinctively, as his features, other than being somewhat distant, alike myself, were angelic, in a way. Maybe he was some form of angel. Who’s to say what is and isn’t an angel? No one’s actually got any stone cold evidence, have they? Maybe angels existed among us, but they and others never see their real light. This man could be an angel, in my opinion, even with whatever darkness haunts his soul.

“Um, I’m f-fine,” I looked over to Silica again, who looked at me as if I was insane here. Maybe I was, it made sense, I guess, rather than me living in some “unknown” universe. Yes, being a lunatic, or mentally unstable even was definitely a possibility in this scenario.

“Then why are you stuttering, Abre?” she hissed at me accusingly, wasn’t she meant to not arise suspicion here? I glared at her angrily, showing my utter disbelief in what I saw then as stupidity, but she was in fact taking a clever act, which I was unaware of at the time.

Bluff.

I let this sink in after a few seconds of silence and then continued, my voice a little stronger this time. “Well, I did just faint, didn’t I?” she nodded, but still seemed, or acted, unsure, so I continued once more, “I think I need some water.”

She smiled with distinct acknowledgement of my attempts at acting, which I think went rather well, given the circumstances. The man whose face had no flaw what so ever, nodded and smiled at me, which made me feel foolishly happy.

“Wow! Really? A heartthrob of a guy just smiled at you! That must mean that he loves you and wishes to marry you!”

My rather sarcastic and seemingly evil side of me chuckled, but I couldn’t contain the other side enough for it not to retaliate.

“I. Do. Not want him to love me! Especially not to marry me!”

The other side of me chuckled some more, but the real me was the one to end it. Oh boy, guess I really was going crazy, wasn’t I? This is what isolation and many lonely, yet sustained years can do, I suppose, as I have no other reason for such outbursts of madness.

“Shut up! Give me a break for once! I’ve just passed out only… well, how long ago was it?”

I then gathered curiosity within me, wondering how long I’d actually been out, but continued my silent rant.

“Just… just, leave it!”

Laughed recurred over and over, louder and louder, ever more mockingly each time round, which made me shiver with angst at disgust.

What was this?

What on Earth was I?

Human.

Human was what I was.

All I knew that this was I. I was this. But did I really know that? Was this I? Was I that person at all? Have I ever really known the answer? He then returned with the water I’d requested, his smile still blissfully angelic, but in an intrigued, enticing way and I’d to force the two voices, who were currently especially eager to irritate me, to keep quiet. I had to focus, as I’d already fainted and I didn’t want Silica to think me weaker than I already accidentally proved to be.

I would prove to her that I was strong, fearless and powerful, even if I wasn’t at all any of those, because lets face it, I wasn’t. Strong isn’t letting your emotions and inner voices control you and your actions. Well, in some cases, maybe, but not here. I was weak, as I let my emotions overrule my actions, therefore, I had no control.

But control was what I sought out, which was ironic.

“Thanks” I almost whispered, but I raised my voice just about enough, to him when he brought me the water, but this didn’t mean as much as I’d have liked it to. He wasn’t mine and I’m sure I’d never be his, as I wasn’t like him. He sure wasn’t like me. I was sure of it, as he seemed far too generous, kind and honest to suit such a coward like me. I was a coward, as I never actually admitted to myself what my real, genuine emotions were. I hid from them and if that isn’t cowardice, what is? I saw as Silica scowled by my thanks, what? Was generosity against her rules now?

“Fine!” the good side of me screeched so loud I was surprised no one else seemed to have heard it, but then I realised, they wouldn’t, would they? This was all me. I was all of this.

“You did this. Not her!”

I closed my eyes for a moment; no one questioned this now, as they might’ve guessed it was because of my fainting before. But it wasn’t because of that and I knew this. I was still dizzy and in parts hurting, but not because of the fall that brought me to the cold ground of the haunting prison’s floor. That was only a memory now; no actually imprint on me what so ever, really.
What had imprinted me was the realisation that this, would never be over, even when it was, because no matter how many years went by if and when this did end, I’d never be able to bury the imprints I’d have taken from it. The imprinted years of this would stain my heart forever and I’d never escape it.

This worried me.

I smiled at Silica, a gesture to let her know that I was ready to stand once again, both metaphorically and literally. She stood from where she sat, her face almost painted with boredom and distraction from anything other than herself. I laughed to myself inside at the thought of her being so selfish, but it was true. She couldn’t have made it more obvious if she wrote the words on her head for goodness sakes!

I still don’t understand why Silica came off as selfish and arrogant in such a powerful way completely, as I must admit, she was an immense character. There was so much secrecy and mightiness to her. She carried herself so… strongly wisely, I guess, as if nothing could ever break her, but that was a fake act of hers once again. There is always something out there to break us, even if we’re unaware of it. Remember that.

When she neared the open doorway, she turned and smiled at me, but this gesture was filled with power, as if I didn’t follow her, she’d make me, which I knew anyway. So I did, as I was that coward I believed I was far from at the time and smiled to the man who brought me the water, saying “see ya” before we were gone from the room I woke up in.

I smiled to myself when we were far from the open doorway, as I knew I’d enjoy the following to this, but I still had one burning question within me to ask Silica, or anyone for that matter.

“Why aren’t they following us?” I was eager to know the answer, as now paranoia rose within me and I felt if I didn’t have some closure soon, I’d scream.

For some insane reason, I didn’t want them to see me for what I was and know me for the actions I was about to make, even though I claimed to be proud of those actions. I was completely fine to take in the rewards that came with such power and adrenaline, but I was still cowering from the drawbacks. My actions witnessed by accusing eyes would be on the lines, in their opinion, of callous, distrustful and completely unnecessary. In my own eyes, I saw them as righteous, rightfully intended and fair, but the main focus here is who was in fact right?

I feel now that I’ve known the answer all along, but I’m still unsure in some parts. Yes, I obviously would’ve done differently if I had known that it would’ve been better, I think I would have anyway. I hope so, but how am I ever supposed to know? This story is my past, this story is a part of me and I refuse to let myself lose track of what I should be learning from this. What happens next, still I dream of and I remember every night, every day, ever hour I live, but like I said, I can’t change what’s already happened.

“They aren’t following us, because I told them that we were the counsellors for Kaeo, which they believed, as I, cleverly, researched into this before we set out” she smiled arrogantly at me, as if she felt she was the most intelligent genius that ever walked t his Earth. I disliked her selfish arrogance, but I must say, I was intrigued by her state. How she seemed to have everything going right for her always. Never having any slip ups, which made me think that she was much older and wiser than her youthful face suggested. This formed an image of distrust where Silica was concerned, as I now saw her supposedly flawless, young features as a lie.

She must be older, by many years, but how?

“How do you do that?” I almost shouted at her in angst, but before she could question my sudden outburst, I continued, “Plan everything out like it’s some kind of party or something! I’d never have thought to…” She laughed, almost too self-appreciating for my liking and then stopped dead in her tracks, turning to me, still smiling with such an emotion I currently hated. Satisfaction.

“What? Think? Never have thought to think, Abre. That’s your problem, you see,” I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t as I knew she was right, “you can’t just go barging in and saying that you’re someone when you have no either real or fake ID regarding that person. You’re good at this, I guess, but to be great at it, you must think!”

We now took on the staircase that I didn’t realise until now was right in front of us. I was still distracted by my own thoughts.

“She’s right, I can’t carry on like this!”

I was so furious with myself for making such a rookie mistake.

“Well, at least you know now. Just don’t well on it, ok?”

I nodded to my own hidden voice and continued up the stairs with Silica, whom I still didn’t trust as much as I’d have liked to. When we almost reached the floor labelled “7” after a few minutes of walking as casually as possible for us, which wasn’t very casual, as we were both dressed from head to toe in black, totally what two counsellors would wear, I looked over to Silica. She returned the glance herself, which made me wish to look away, but I no longer wanted to.

“What are we?” I asked as genuinely as I could manage, because it wasn’t exactly the easiest question to ask, “I mean, why are we like this?” Her face at that moment I will remember always, her eyes for the first time turned ice blue and her face dropped for the first time, as if she’d never been faced with such a question before. I now realise what had affected her so. It was the same thing that’d affected me beforehand, which was why these words slipped through my lips ever so fluently.

I was used to the realisation that I was not what most beings are meant to be, but judging by Silica’s reaction, she wasn’t used at all. If I’d have not been there, I believed she would’ve cried, but now I see how naïve I was thinking that. She’d never cry, even when her emotions were too harsh, too overwhelming to cope with, as she had changed from what she used to have been. I hadn’t yet, not completely anyway.

She’d traded her old self a long time ago and I never needed to hear her story to know this, as her expression, her state, herself, was broken slightly just by asking such a question. I never realised how this would affect her so much, but I didn’t regret asking it. Maybe this did make me cold and heartless, but I knew she would know the answer, as she had been this person I’d only begun to accept for a long time now. Many few years, at least, if not decades and I still didn’t know whether I was completely this person.

But what were we? Really? Is there a name for such overruling, uncaring beings? Were we just selfish? Or were we in fact lost? Lost in two worlds that both made sense for different reasons.

Never knowing which was actually right and which was wrong. Never knowing if there ever really was a right or wrong and if there was, whether it mattered.

Some views on right and wrong are completely different to others. So how’re we ever going to know? Have I ever been right? I looked at Silica now, as if she was all of these: my idol, my enemy, my opponent, my demon, my devil side, my killer, my instructor, my teacher, my saint or even, my future self. I didn’t yet know which of those she really was to me, but I felt them all. I believed them all and now, that seemed ever so foolish. I wish I never made such insane predicaments, but I can’t ever turn back time. If I ever could, I’d run from the choices I made wrong and make them right instead. I’d love what my heart told me to all along. I’d stay with those I belong with.

I’d know who I really was.

“We are unique, Abre and there’s nothing strange or wrong about that, is there?” I shook my head, but I didn’t agree with her at all. I felt I was wrong, but I didn’t wish to argue with her, as I’d already seen her broken, even if she didn’t mean for me to and I didn’t want to see her like that. She was an idol to me, in a sense and I didn’t idolize that part of her, if I’m honest.

Now I see that I should’ve done, as that was the truest side to her. Truer than any other and that is something to respect.

“But what if we’re wrong? I mean, can this ever be right?” She laughed, but her laugh wasn’t humorous, more dismissive if anything and I didn’t know what I could say to end this almost embarrassing scene. But why should I have felt embarrassed? Just because I’d suggested an idea different from her own? Maybe, but maybe it was the thought of her challenging me, even by just a simple laugh that threatened me so intensely. Before I knew it, silence had carried us from ascending to the 7th floor to reaching the cell of the prisoner we wished to see, but I now felt anxiety inside.

Was this right?

Silica was the first to approach the dull, almost depressingly plain white door ahead of us, her structure was now powered once again and therefore I was ever more anxious than before.

“What is wrong about nature, Abre? Tell me that!” she spoke the last line almost as if she was curious, not angry, but I knew she must’ve been, as I’d plucked the wrong string, sending her into an irritated frenzy. She was already a surreptitious character and I didn’t want to intensify certain characteristics such as that and others alike in this scenario.

So I shook my head in a mass of shame and lack of self worth, looking down to the floor so I no longer had to see her eyes on me, but I could still feel them nonetheless. “Nothing. It was just that…” she then thrusts her arms sideways in complete fury, her eyes, I noticed, were almost black when I dared to look at them and then she let them down once again, though her angst was still alive.

“What? I don’t want to hear it!” she looked away; almost as if I’d disgusted so much she couldn’t even bear to look at me, “we’re here now, okay? Do not go running from this now! You agreed to this, therefore you must want it, Abre, as I know you are smart. You wouldn’t ask for this life if you didn’t truly understand its features. Now, are you ready for this or what?” She wasn’t asking me and I knew that. This was my own doing and I couldn’t back out now.

Besides, I didn’t want to. I wanted to see Kaeo hurt, squirm, beg for forgiveness and think that I was forever superior over him.

I thought a lot of things back then, but not exactly all of them were correct.

Without even having any amount of care for the peace she may or may not have disturbed by barging into the room that belonged to the monstrous murderer Kaeo, Silica did this without a slight second of hesitation. Saying that, I don’t think many criminals do ever receive piece, which was a thought that made me feel cruel for hating him, as he’d never be alone from the forever teasing guilt of what he’d done.

I knew this, as I too had guilt of my own. I too was a murderer and a torturer of minds, as I’d messed with Macy’s head just for my own sick, maybe unnecessary payback. I wasn’t completely insane or evil, even if I believed I was, but I was unhinged to a point. I’d killed a man whom I hardly knew at the time, just because I had the impulse to. Remember? The unknown stranger I pushed over the rocks, just to prove the point that I was strong.

He was drunk, or close to it anyway and gazed over at where I stood that night, cold and thinking I was alone here, as it was in the late hours when it happened. I remember him shouting “little girl! What are you doing here so late, huh?” I shivered as his loud words entered my ears and I did feel something unknown to me also. Something that alike him was strange to me.

Fear, but only a slight mist of it, so I barely noticed it like I should’ve done. But he wasn’t done.

“I think you’ve ought to go home, darling! Don’t want to be ‘ere in t’ late hours, well, uh, later hours I should say. Ha-ha!”

I was afraid when I felt his footsteps gain on me and I was too iced, too frozen to run from it.

What now only stood metres behind me! My heart raced, but I believed I was anxious, not afraid. “I’m not afraid!” I closed my eyes and when I felt the cold hand against my numb shoulder, I twisted my angered self around to meet the idiot who dared this action. My eyes glared strong and deadly, as I’d already decided on his fate. I was now the one to grasp onto his shoulders, but my aim wasn’t to scare him pathetically like a little girl alone in the dark.

I wanted him dead, so I made it so.

Laughing as his body went crashing to the ground.

Only now, now I regret it like mad, even if I did tell myself it was for my security, I will always know that it wasn’t for that reason at all.

I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to.

There is a difference.

“What are you doing here? Why did you barge in like that?” he demanded, jumping up from his bed as soon as we’d entered. I shivered, knowing it was wrong, as we’d lied to get here, but feeling insanely adrenaline pumped it almost hurt in a strange, sensational sense.

Looking into his dark brown eyes, which seemed to have turned black with his angst, I realised that he was human, but he wasn’t kind. He wasn’t honourable, yet he was human. Was this how I should’ve seen all humans? As brutal, uncaring, specimens that kill anything they see, or wish to kill. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t have. Who will ever know?

I dared to look him straight in the eyes, my confidence suddenly rising out of power and brutality, not as genuine as it should’ve been, but it still worked, I suppose.
I smiled, the way I did when I felt this almost unbearable cockiness overrule my bones and self. I was uncontrollable this way, which I liked, back then, but now I distinctively dislike that part of me. I should have control. I must. Yet I liked being a loose cannon in a way, as in a sense, this meant that I was freer than I would’ve been if I kept everything under control all of the time. I was cluttered, in the sense that I was careless, to a point, I guess. My mind hadn’t yet thought to think things through in that order, well, it had, but I was too ignorant at the time to listen to it.

I see now how it was easier than I then believed.

I didn’t speak to Kaeo yet though, even though my acknowledging him probably hinted at it. I rather decided to be silent for a moment, discarded from it, in a way, but I couldn’t hide from my duties forever. This was sort of what an assignment would be like for one of us, almost like school, in a way. I guess I was learning lessons throughout all of this, even when I believed the skills I learnt were brought by these teachings from Silica, but I was wrong. It was in fact the morals of what I’d done; said, thought that had taught me several new skills.

Skills no classroom, teacher or soul could ever teach you. I’d taught myself this, without even realising. I guess in some ways I was a genius, maybe we all are, but most don’t have the confidence or stability to notice it.

I’d say that my reason for this was the latter and that the reason it took me so long to see it, was because I was never really whole.

But now I am.

His eyes now turned from black to ice, when he decided to encounter me, like a lion to a bear. Both feared, both strong, but only one could rule and the lion was hungry and fatigued, therefore weakened. I was a ready, teeth bared, fists up and I’d attack if I needed to. I’d already watched as the crimson liquid seeped from his sibling’s jaw, but now it was his turn and this thought of power and perfection, whereas strength is concerned, was enough to cancel any fear brought to light within me. That was dead to me now, but I could also be dead if I didn’t watch my back.

“I said…” I was sick and tired of his voice, his ways, him! Or maybe I was just sick, ill minded, twisted and tired, fatigued, bored of this. This teasing, useless nonsense that got us nowhere! I wanted blood! I wanted crimson. Therefore I would have it, as I always got my own way.

“What you said doesn’t matter Kaeo, we are here because we wish to be, obviously! How dare you question this? How can you even bare to demand such things? You, my friend, you are nothing!”

I hated this, yet I yearned to say more. I wanted to hurt him, crumple him in the palm of my hand, but I also wanted to run.

I didn’t want to face it, but then again if this were a show, I would want front seats.

“My only love was struck by my only hate.”

Shakespeare said something like that anyway, but this was true for me, in this case.

I hated violence, yet the natural instinct within me wished for it.

Needed it, or believed so, anyway.

I then, following my instincts like any animal would, charged at Kaeo, which shocked him, but he caught my fist before it could hit him and turned it to the side, making me sigh in exasperation.

I was furious, as I knew I could beat him. I knew it. So I tried once more, digging my elbow into his side, sending him a few steps backward so that he fell when he collided with his bed frame. I laughed psychotically, hysterically, almost and hissed as I neared him. Silica smiled in the background of the scene before me, which made me smile also and without even having to think, I hit him over and over again. I didn’t once cringe at the crimson that appeared with each hit or two; never did I hurl or run away.

The one thing I didn’t run from, which would’ve made sense if I did, was this. Yet I stayed, I continued, I hurt and I didn’t once feel regret. Though that usually follows afterwards anyway, doesn’t it?

Regret, I mean.

Before I realised what I was doing, I looked into this criminal’s eyes that were now pleading almost. I wanted to feel sympathy, no, I needed to, but I couldn’t. In that sense, I wasn’t human, as humane means to be kind and empathic, doesn’t it? Saying that, I always believed humans themselves were in fact the very opposite. Cold, uncaring, brutal, yet I was the one hurting Kaeo now.

Continuously, my punches getting harder and angrier each time round. I didn’t once consider his situation. I saw it as I was doing well, as he had sinned, but I was no longer doing this for any kind of heroic style of revenge. Oh no. Now I did it for my own insane, indescribable, undeniable satisfaction. But I guess I did deny this to myself.

He was now near unconsciousness, but I continued to hit him, kick him, and knee him in the stomach. Anything that would cause him any pain what so ever and even when Silica tried to stop me, I refused her guidance. That guidance there and then was probably the wisest she’d given me, yet I refused it, as I was too ignorant to see the consequences of what I was doing. I then without thinking it through grasped onto anything about me I could find to hurt him furthermore.

I found something, blunt and heavy, which I thought would be good and then, in one quick, furious, mental rage, bashed it against his head over and over. Thinking of the dead child he killed continuously whilst doing so. The angst built up by this scene I now imagined in my head was enough to hate him.

To hate him more than anything I’d ever had distaste to before.

I now wanted a certain fate for him, one that could never be reversed.

I then, with one final act of angst and insanity, bashed the ornament against his hard skull, sending his now frail body crashing to the ground beneath us. I gasped in shock when I looked at the scene before me. Crimson everywhere. Blood. Hate. Angst. Never would my hands be clean again, as they’d forever be stained with guilt. I wanted to scream and run away from it, but I also needed to stay and realise what I’d done. It hadn’t yet sunk in. I had killed someone.

Criminal or not, it was murder.

I’d done it before, but never with my own hands in this way, I mean. I pushed that man over the edge, but I didn’t do anything like this.

I couldn’t of, as I would’ve been too afraid to do so, but I’d done it now. Silica gave me a look now, that I didn’t know at the time was good or bad. Her eyes were lighted, but her frown suggested otherwise and I could tell she didn’t completely approve with this. Who would? But a sudden thought occurred in my mind that she was impressed. But how so?

“Well, she is rather sadistic, isn’t she? Maybe that’s why.”

But I knew it was something different.

“This shows you are strong, as you weren’t afraid of guilt or regret. You just did it! You were spontaneous. Be proud.”

Does it though? Was I strong for being ignorant to such demons, or weak for it?

“How can I ever be proud? I’ve murdered again!”

They laughed continuously, the voices, but they both finally spoke simultaneously.

“You chose this.”

We left the crimson filled scene, never looking back and continued descending down the stairs we earlier ascended, before I had killed once again. I felt wildly thankful to escape such a scene, but never did I feel relaxed or chilled. I felt cold. When we passed floor 6, I turned to Silica, her face seemed to be glowing almost, as if she’d witnessed something sweet, not a brutal death scene. I wished to let this slide, but I couldn’t. She really did find my violence impressive, but why?

How was this good? Was this an asset to me now? To kill like some insane psychopath! But what really played on my mind was when she said who our next “experiment” would be, or so she called it, as they were meant to test me. I didn’t ever see the irony of it all. That what was meant to be testing me to be callous, actually lead to me learning how to be considerate in some aspects. I remember looking at her like she was a completely different person after she told me of this character.

Disgust and hurt in my eyes and heart, but she only saw it in my eyes.

Or did she?

Maybe she could read me better than I believed…