Imprinted Years

“Do it.” I said through gritted teeth. I hated this, but I couldn’t find another way out, “I’ve failed you.” It was true. I knew the rules, that I had to live that life with her and if I turned against it, I could risk death. I now turned against it, not because all of me wanted to, as I still wanted to live in the dark. It was the only home I ever knew, but I couldn’t do something that I knew in my heart and mind was wrong. There was no contemplating it, I’d given up with that life, and so I now handed in my own in return.
She could kill me, but she could never kill everything I’d learnt from her, Jessica, Molly, my father and even Macy. I’d learnt more than I ever wished to, which I was proud of in a way. I’d learnt how to live.

We both knew she had to do it. It was her place and she was too used to her codes and routine to overrule this. I knew my fate if I chose what she said was “wrongly” but I now saw how this was right. For me, anyway, even though I longed to change my decision, I couldn’t do what she asked of me and I couldn’t fail either. So this was it. “I’m genuinely sorry,” she sighed and her eyes actually looked sorrowful, almost broken, as if I was actually starting to mean something to her.

But why would she suggest hurting such a youthful being anyway? None of it made any sense. Unless, she wanted me to fail and she knew that I wasn’t strong enough, in her view, to agree to it. Maybe it was another trick of hers, to say I needed to do it, when I didn’t. Maybe if I’d chosen differently, we could’ve continued as we had done. But would that have really benefited me? Maybe I’d never have to have sinned again, well, not in that sense, anyway. Maybe she was testing if I trusted her, which I obviously didn’t.

“No you’re not,” I spat at her, suddenly turning to see her lying, deceiving face. I no longer entirely wished to part from her because of the ultimatum she’d given me. Now I truly did despise her. She didn’t care! She was not sorry at all! If she did care and if she was truly sorry, she’d understand my denial. She’d side with me. But she didn’t. “If you were sorry Silica, you wouldn’t have done this! You would’ve made this easier, not have me face this! You knew that I wouldn’t, that I couldn’t…” Her face looked cold, weak almost, due to fatigue and the freezing weather, but her heart was still on fire.

I no longer admired her in that way. I no longer admired her strength, as her strength was built from her only weakness. Lying. To herself and me. She’d lied to herself her entire life, I could tell. She had no guilt, as she hid it or told herself it was nonexistent, even when it was clearer than day. She told herself she was right, maybe that she was perfect, flawless and I pitied her for this even then. I knew that one day she’d have to realise to the full extent, how all of what she’d done and everything that had happened had burdened her. I pitied her, as she’d realised only part of this before, when I asked her if we were wrong only hours ago and I could distinctively tell she had broken.

“That you couldn’t make up your mind! Don’t you see, Abre? You had a chance! You, you had an opportunity! I never did. I never had one thrust upon me, but you did! Why, Abre? Why did you choose this if you weren’t ever going to devote yourself to it? To me, even. You never trusted me and you still don’t. You knew the rules, you know your fate, but that is not my problem.” How was it not her problem? She made the rules!

“So, just because I didn’t want to kill a child, I don’t trust her? Ridiculous!”

I hated these voices, as they never solved anything, well, they did, but not the matter at hand, exactly. That matter being my fate, of course.

“You don’t trust her though and exactly right, because you didn’t trust her enough to agree to it. If you truly trusted her, like you trust Jessica, then you’d agree because you’d know she’d have your best interests at heart.

Meaning you wouldn’t have to sin anymore. That was the purpose!”

Maybe the second voice was right and it was all I had to explain this at the time, but I still wondered why Silica needed to evaluate my trust for her, compared to my trust for Jessica.

I then realised that maybe, Silica was against Jessica, or the other way round, because something told me they lived a similar life. Meaning that they both knew darkness more than any other human being on this earth, which what could’ve, been the reason for them being linked. But the main difference between Jessica and Silica was that Jessica had seemed to have once lived in the light and Silica seemed to be a much darker and colder character than Jessica. Silica came across as broken, tarnished almost, but Jessica was near purity. She’d sinned alike me, but she was no monster.

She was no serpent.

But something also told me that Silica wasn’t all bad, maybe not all evil too.

“Who made you chose this life then, Silica?” I looked away from her, admiring the setting about us, “you said you had no choice in the matter, how come?” She smiled, but her smile yet again was filled to the rim with deceit and distrust, which seemed ironic, as she was doing this because I’d lied to her. Yet she still lied to me with her smile, her entire impression of security, when she wasn’t secure at all. She knew that she was lying to both of us, but she also knew it hurt no one, as I couldn’t care less about her lies and she wouldn’t let herself. She’d hid it away for too long to let it rise to the surface once again, but someday it will have to. No one can hide forever, especially when you’re hiding from the one obstacle you can’t overrule.

Yourself.

“No one, my dear,” sarcasm emphasised the last word a little too much for my liking, almost patronizing, in a sense, “no one other than myself, of course. I found it physically impossible to choose otherwise, but you, you just couldn’t be bothered to stick by it!” I hissed at her, as I knew that this wasn’t true, it can’t have been. But maybe it was. “Liar! How dare you? You said…”

I was going to say how she’d said how if I chose differently, I could die, which was true, but there was a flipside to it.

“I said if you chose otherwise you could die and I also told you where you would do so, but that is not what persuaded you, was it? As I also told you immortality was an option in this life I live, which it is. You see, once you’ve passed the barriers of humanity, you live forever. You’re smart Abre! But you just didn’t see it did you?”

She was right, I never did see it and truthfully I didn’t yet understand what she meant.
“You see, Abre, there was a reason why I told you to be selfish, arrogant, callous. There was. They’re all against your human qualities. Therefore, to be immortal, you had to destroy those human qualities you do have by being all of those I just stated once again for you. You failed to even agree to that and yes, you were correct about it being a test.” She smiled at me, as if this was pleasing for me, but she knew I didn’t see it that way at the time.

“Now, there is only one last thing left for you to do, Abre.”

I knew exactly what it was.

To watch this life I’d only just begun end.

I wasn’t going down without a fight, not anymore. I was now ready, as I had nothing to loose, to face my demon. Her. I turned from her to admire the scene again and this time, I really did admire it. The different shades of the green trees, the misted fog dispersing amongst the treetops. The whistle of the wind as it clapped against the nature that stood between it and I.
I smiled, I cried, only slightly, but I still cried, for the first time in weeks. Nature was and still is beautiful. I then realised that this was why I used to hate humans more than anything else, but now, standing in one of the most beautiful places I’d ever ventured to, I wondered why I ever related such nature, such beauty to such a grotesque word. Hate has no place here. Love will always.

I also disliked how my next actions would contradict such appreciation of this nature, but I knew if I didn’t begin this, then I’d have no chance, as I certainly couldn’t end it. So, with no ability strong enough within me to fight the violent urges I felt, I let them empower me. Break through my core and explode into this evening sky. I was no longer afraid of hurt. I was now not even of death, because if death was truly my destiny, then I’d take it as my fate. If my fate was for this life to end now, then so be it, but I would no longer hide my true self. My true colours, I knew I was evil to a point, as I craved such violence, but I wasn’t a complete demon. I had loved. I had lost. I had cried.

Parts of me, especially those three, were still and would forever be human, which was part of the reason why I couldn’t completely hate them anymore.

Before I knew what I was doing, to a certain extent, anyway, I’d already hit her once and she was ready to fire her bullets back at me. “I am not afraid.” I would’ve been if such adrenaline didn’t power me onward. I hit her over and over, till she decided she’d taken enough, which wasn’t nearly enough in my opinion.

Her punches felt like bullets they hurt so darn much! Damn it she was strong, but I kept fighting. I’d fight till my last breath if I had to and besides, who wouldn’t want to die here? It was sensational, beautiful and carefree, yet it also had a caring, loving atmosphere. The kind I had sensed when I was with Jessica. I did love her and I still do, which was why a part of me was okay to die, because I knew hers would be the last face I saw before I closed my eyes to rest for all eternity.

“Now.” Was all I remember hearing. Crimson was the only colour my mind could seem to process after I felt the mass of pain hit me.

I screamed and coughed against the hands that had me strangled at the same time the other kind of pain hit me.

“Looks like it’s over, but you have done this, therefore, I can’t allow myself to pity you.”

I know.

“Even if this is the end of it all, even if your life may end any moment now, your story will never end Abre.”

I hope not, but I wish I could end right now. It hurts so much. You don’t understand! Please, please save me from this.

“I can’t. We can’t. We are only in your head, Abre. You can do this. You have to.”

What if I die? Then it’ll all be over, right? Everything I have lived for would be for nothing.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight this. It hurts so badly.

“Do this for Jessica, Abre! Please.”

But I’ve hurt her too badly and she can’t care about me. Not after I left her.
But I love her still.

“Just… try not to think of the pain shooting through you right now, okay? Be strong, Abre.”

I don’t know if I can.

But I can’t give up.

…

I didn’t know which to think about, or whether to just forget both vile masses of pain.

I could no longer scream, as my throat was too dry when she finally let it free.

I panted, trying to breath evenly again, but I couldn’t. I was broken.

I looked down at the crimson that covered my black top.

I could smell it.

I could almost taste it.

Even though I couldn’t see it entirely on my clothing, due to my top being a dark colour, I could still see the crimson pour from my now frail body to the cold ground beneath my bare feet.

My feet were bare, as I liked the feeling of nature’s Earth beneath me. Even though this planet wasn’t my own, it was sure my home.
As this planet I’d walked on with her, my true saviour. Therefore, now it would be home to me, even if it weren’t to be beforehand. She’d made it so.

I tried to withhold my body’s little strength left, but the pain and the weakness due to the dagger that was now just beneath my chest made me feel light-headed and dizzy. I wanted to sleep, if I’m honest, as I was fatigued anyway, but now, I was exhausted. She’d won, yet I still tried, one last time to fight once more. I knew I had no chance, but I also needed to try. For my own satisfaction, I needed to at least try and get my own back on her. I hit outwards in front of me again, as she was only inches away and I got her on the second try, which I guess was a success, as I was nearly on the edge of unconsciousness.

I sighed, about to break, but then I knew what I had to do.

Laugh.

It hurt, but it made me smile inside. My wound was almost screaming at me to stop, but my heart told me to continue. I remembered how I laughed with Jessica all of those days, weeks ago, when I felt like the happiest person alive. I believe I was, because even if I won the lottery or got famous somehow, I’d never be as happy as I was then. I smiled at the memory of laughing and smiling with someone so close to my heart, but I now also cried, which was a strange experience. To laugh, smile and cry all at once. I’d never had such powerful emotions embrace me so much.

Not like this.

I cried because I knew that this could well be the end for me. The end of the memories I’d made. The end of the places I’d been to recurring over and over in my now ecstatic mind.
I smiled now, because the memories were so powerful, so beautiful, but that is also why I laughed and cried. I laughed to suppress the angst that came with the tears that fell. I was angry, because I didn’t want to believe that my journey could be over. I cried because I was frustrated, but I was also moved by the remembrance of Jessica, my one true saviour who I could never forget; the one person who I needed to remember.

This is what tore me apart, as I believed that our time together would be over and if she ever forgot about us, then our friendship would be over too. Like it never even existed, which was why I hoped and prayed she’d remember, like she promised and I trusted this more than anything. Partly because I trusted her, but also because this slight bit of hope was the only thing keeping me together through this.

She was my hope; but right now she was also my saviour.

Even though I was now alone, as Silica had turned her back on me, she was with me. Like she promised she would be. She wasn’t with me in body; but in my mind she never left.

I breathed in the frosty air, as my lungs were now able to function properly again and my throat had cooled the hurt left from Silica’s touch. I smiled, laughed even, though it still hurt, as I was now in my enclosed haven. Nothing but faces and memories to keep me smiling, which was heaven for me, if one exists, which I think I’d like to have exist. If there was or is a heaven, I’d sure want to be a part of it, as there would be nothing better but to live eternal peace and hope, but I’d have to settle for the light of the world. I was now a sinner, living amongst ghosts and what some believed to be nonexistent.

The dark world, which was entwined with the human world of light, but ever so different, as believably imaginary sources like pain and hurt can be blocked if those involved remember those close to them.

This links to darkness, as now I hurt and I writhed in pain, but being alone in the dark only made her face brighter. Lighter. She was alive; therefore I no longer felt the pain in such large amounts, but it still lived within.
…

I knew that I wasn’t the only being to ever feel pain, or hurt, or cry, or laugh, but I’d assured myself that I was the only one to feel it in such force. Like I was nothing without it, but I now see how naïve that was of me to think such things. I now see how many hold them together by keeping close the only things that humanize them, which is why they are humane. Which is why Kaeo is still pure in parts, but it is also to blame for such actions of sin in the first place, as without human qualities like guilt and stress, most harmful circumstances, whether they be mental, emotional or physical, could be avoided.

I possessed these two elements of harm, as well as many elements of love and exceptional beauty within. I was never perfect, but I did believe in those elements that came to value too.

Love was one, as without love, can anyone ever be beautiful inside?

Without a love for nature and nature’s gifts, there is no appreciation for such beauty, therefore, how can beauty live amongst us, if we don’t love the haven given to us so lightly? Peace of the darkness that takes the place of light.

Light, that brings a new day.

Dawn that ends the days, which brings new hope and finally, stars that are always there even when light takes their spotlight, they still shine.

Like her, the one I still hold close in my mind, as well as my heart.

Without her, would I ever have learnt how to love nature again? Will I be lost right now? I guess, in parts, that I have always and may always be lost, but at least in my heart and mind I know I am found, because of her. I may never feel the sunrise beat against my skin again, but the darkness opens doors that I believed were forever locked, or what I believed were only figures of my imagination.

Maybe it would have been better to keep those figures in my imagination, as now they’re more real to me than the voices that tease me within.

…

I now let my eyes close and I let my mind quiet, as now I am lost to both light and darkness. Whichever is my true destiny will find me.

I ignore the pain, but still it throbs, heavy and strong like the pierce of the blade that hit me. I still strain from it, even though the weapon no longer lies beneath my chest, but a pool of crimson has taken its place there instead. I cry out, near unconsciousness, but unable to drift away completely, as the hurt is too strong to block out. I wish to black out, rather than face such an immense and cold act of revenge, but I face it still. It is my only choice; not my decision.

I yearn for darkness to wrap its warmth around my cold, empty body, but nothing appears from the white halo’s I see above my near empty eyes. I see nothing, but white clouds amongst dark, green treetops that tower above my vision. My eyes strain to make out the branches I so long to see, as they remind me of escape, which comforts me.

I imagine I climb them. I run amongst the trees as if they’re on ground, but I risk falling. My heart is too happy and my mind too ecstatic to care of my safety. I fall, but I don’t hurt. I cry, but I don’t feel anything other than pure happiness. She catches me, along with other arms I am unsure of, as they’re unknown to me, but I let them caress me like hers do too.
His arms cradle me and we all laugh. Happy and united, as if we’d been this way for years, even though only Jessica was the one I knew, I welcomed him. I saw no face, only a blur, as my eyes fixated on the one who saved my fall. Jessica. I smile at her and wish to thank her, but then I realise I can’t. I am too weak, too strained to open my mouth to do so. I can do it physically, but mentally I’m empty, or feel so, anyway.

I then realise why I feel this way. I am not fine. I bleed continuously, yet I now smile and laugh to myself. I wish to open my eyes, to face the face I know will only be there in my mind, but I feel nothing. I feel no ability within me to do this, so I don’t. I no longer feel the cool air brush against me and I no longer breathe it in so preciously. Air is now simply my fuel, when before it was my desire, not only my need.

I was broken, even if I didn’t see it then, I was and I feared I’d never be fixed, as now, this life felt more like a chore, rather than a gift.

I then strain against the same arms that helped carry me in my imagination. I smile at the remembrance of this and enhance this moment, as I know it may never arise again. I hear a soft, fluent voice, but I see no face, as I’m still too weak to open my eyes enough to see him. I hear another voice amongst his, one I recognised but again, I was too weak and fatigued to discover whose voice it was exactly.

I try to whisper the words “thank you” and I knew he heard it just about, as moments later he hugged me closer to his chest and replied kindly.

“Anytime, Abre.” I felt guilty for not having the voice to thank him properly, but at least he knew I appreciated it. I no longer cared about how or why he knew my name. I appreciated his gesture and I forced myself to endure the pain for as long as needed, as it was my burden to take upon. It wasn’t his. It was mine.

I now felt a strange kind of affection towards him, as he held me as if it was his honour to do so, not his need. He didn’t need to save me, but he did. Even if I did die right then in his arms, I’d still be saved in the sense of having another being cared once again. I hadn’t had that since Jessica and it was a nice, warming sensation to have it once more. I then sensed an empowering, overruling feeling of enamouring towards this being, but I then questioned it further. Was it-?

“No! It can’t be.”

I heard yelled within me, but I don’t wish to contain it, I let the voice continue, as I wish to hear more.

“It can and it is! It’s him! It is him!

” I fight the voices, even though I long to hear them for longer, as I’m too fatigued and broken to answer them, or even think through their outbursts.

All I say is “night for now” and I then leave them screaming my name, until they too tire and fall into unconsciousness.

If only I could be that lucky.

My saviour, my past encounter, my carer, at the time, walked me for what felt like forever, but I believe was about a mile or so, until he rested my weakened self down. I smile up at this kind hero, who had no business to save me, but still did so. He didn’t know of my sins, so how could he risk his own life to do such kind, honourable deeds to protect me?
Like taking me from a dangerous area, as Silica could easily come back. But then I realised, he may not know of her, but if that is true, how did he come across me?

Is it really plausible that he was just strolling down a lonely, empty forest in the mists of hardly anything and looking for a soul to help? I believed, that there must’ve been another reason for him finding my whereabouts, as I didn’t see much chance in the boy who I came across many weeks ago finding me also. Maybe he had similar skills to I. He had found me, like I’d found him. I then let my mind drift maybe too far.

“What if he’s meant to be my future?”

No.

I can’t afford to think life that, I remember instructing myself, but it was everything I had to fight off the dreams of a future I’d maybe too foolishly built up within…