Status: Rated PG-13 because of language used in later chapters and Abre (main character) isn't just a character to me, as she has helped me see my own light, which seems ridiculous I know. But it's true.
Imprinted Years
Behold
9:47pm; the time on the dull, rounded, white clock ahead of the seat in which I waited and waited for hours on end to face whatever hell lay behind that door where he lay on a crisp, white bedding.
I was staring at nothing but a mere black dot on the depressingly dull, yellow coloured walls, when a nurse, wearing a diamante blue necklace with rounded pearls that stood out amongst the otherwise basic nurse outfit, came over to me and spoke up in a concerned yet a confident tone. “Your father seems to have suffered a stroke of some kind, well, that’s what the doctor suggests it might be…” I looked at her, my deep blue-green eyes demanding an answer with my overbearing yet completely necessary glare and raised my shaky voice a little higher than I wanted.
Well, I wanted to raise it higher than the Eiffel tower but I knew I should’ve controlled my anger. Behold the darkness that hides behind a persons’ light. I think of this line I wrote many moons ago, as at that moment in time, my light had been shadowed by the many doctors and nurses who hopelessly tried to figure out the reasons behind his pain and suffering.
It seemed, that my light was about to die out and no one or nothing could end my current despair.
“What the hell do you mean by might be? Might be? Might be!” I spat the words more as my angst rose inside me like water filling a small glass, “you’re meant to be a…” I had to stop myself from swearing at her, hitting her, who knows what else. Why though? Why fucking do this to me? I love the person who lies behind that door more than I love my own life! He is my father, after all.
Maybe it’s because she’s telling the truth! Maybe… what my father has, is extremely difficult to detect. After all, he’s… different, isn’t he? Don’t blame her!
I took a deep breath and stood upright, trying to sound as honest as possible with my words because after all, a part of me just wanted to carry on shouting at her, blaming her for her understandable ignorance in this scenario.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes turned from fear to sympathy after I’d spoken, but the look in my sad yet strong eyes told her not to give me such empathy. I needed to face this on my own and I knew I couldn’t hold what happened to my father against her or anyone else for that matter.
It wasn't their fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was fate, which I hated to admit, as fate I used to believe in more than anything else, as it used to be a good thing. But now... how could it be? When it has hurt someone so darn close to me?
After a moment of pure yet awkward silence, the nurse ahead of me, who still held the same comforting yet steady stand, said what a part of me was dreading to hear that day, but also what a part of me was needing to feel hope again in this world they call Earth.
“You can see him in a few hours, he isn’t well enough to talk to anyone yet, I’m awfully sorry. Maybe you should go home and wait for a while,” she smiled half-halfheartedly, sensing both my dread and my need to see him, “Like I say, I think you should go home. I think he will understand if…”
I gave a quick glance to the plain, white door ahead of where we stood and interrupted her mid-sentence. “I’ll stay,”
I said, those two small words both made me cringe and smile, as I knew I was lucky that he was still alive and breathing, yet I disliked the fact that things could get much worse. All of the time in those few moments, I couldn’t stop thinking, what if he finds out? He’s already in a shit situation as it is! What if I hurt him more?
What have I done?
Whilst I was sat waiting for the easy going nurse to tell me the hours had passed and I could go see him, I let my mind drift, thinking about my past and those who I’d known in it.
Those who’d left me, often by my own choice or actions and those who stuck by me, even when I truly believed I was alone.
I’d hour’s left to think back on everything that’d happened in the last year or so. I now took the opportunity whilst it was still blazing right in front of me. I wanted to remember. I wanted to cast my mind back and think of who I was then and who I am now. I closed my eyes, taking everything in and let my breathing calm before I begun.
Now then, where to begin.
Here, is what happened and how I came to terms with this Earth and its challenges. This is the one story, that if I could, I would erase parts of it from my mind forever and never look back upon them, but those parts are what made me who I am today and the good times in this story, made the hard times just about bearable.
This is one of the darkest, yet also one of the most brilliant, memorable and beautiful secrets I may ever brave myself to remember and certainly the darkest I’d ever brave myself to reveal…
I was staring at nothing but a mere black dot on the depressingly dull, yellow coloured walls, when a nurse, wearing a diamante blue necklace with rounded pearls that stood out amongst the otherwise basic nurse outfit, came over to me and spoke up in a concerned yet a confident tone. “Your father seems to have suffered a stroke of some kind, well, that’s what the doctor suggests it might be…” I looked at her, my deep blue-green eyes demanding an answer with my overbearing yet completely necessary glare and raised my shaky voice a little higher than I wanted.
Well, I wanted to raise it higher than the Eiffel tower but I knew I should’ve controlled my anger. Behold the darkness that hides behind a persons’ light. I think of this line I wrote many moons ago, as at that moment in time, my light had been shadowed by the many doctors and nurses who hopelessly tried to figure out the reasons behind his pain and suffering.
It seemed, that my light was about to die out and no one or nothing could end my current despair.
“What the hell do you mean by might be? Might be? Might be!” I spat the words more as my angst rose inside me like water filling a small glass, “you’re meant to be a…” I had to stop myself from swearing at her, hitting her, who knows what else. Why though? Why fucking do this to me? I love the person who lies behind that door more than I love my own life! He is my father, after all.
Maybe it’s because she’s telling the truth! Maybe… what my father has, is extremely difficult to detect. After all, he’s… different, isn’t he? Don’t blame her!
I took a deep breath and stood upright, trying to sound as honest as possible with my words because after all, a part of me just wanted to carry on shouting at her, blaming her for her understandable ignorance in this scenario.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes turned from fear to sympathy after I’d spoken, but the look in my sad yet strong eyes told her not to give me such empathy. I needed to face this on my own and I knew I couldn’t hold what happened to my father against her or anyone else for that matter.
It wasn't their fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was fate, which I hated to admit, as fate I used to believe in more than anything else, as it used to be a good thing. But now... how could it be? When it has hurt someone so darn close to me?
After a moment of pure yet awkward silence, the nurse ahead of me, who still held the same comforting yet steady stand, said what a part of me was dreading to hear that day, but also what a part of me was needing to feel hope again in this world they call Earth.
“You can see him in a few hours, he isn’t well enough to talk to anyone yet, I’m awfully sorry. Maybe you should go home and wait for a while,” she smiled half-halfheartedly, sensing both my dread and my need to see him, “Like I say, I think you should go home. I think he will understand if…”
I gave a quick glance to the plain, white door ahead of where we stood and interrupted her mid-sentence. “I’ll stay,”
I said, those two small words both made me cringe and smile, as I knew I was lucky that he was still alive and breathing, yet I disliked the fact that things could get much worse. All of the time in those few moments, I couldn’t stop thinking, what if he finds out? He’s already in a shit situation as it is! What if I hurt him more?
What have I done?
Whilst I was sat waiting for the easy going nurse to tell me the hours had passed and I could go see him, I let my mind drift, thinking about my past and those who I’d known in it.
Those who’d left me, often by my own choice or actions and those who stuck by me, even when I truly believed I was alone.
I’d hour’s left to think back on everything that’d happened in the last year or so. I now took the opportunity whilst it was still blazing right in front of me. I wanted to remember. I wanted to cast my mind back and think of who I was then and who I am now. I closed my eyes, taking everything in and let my breathing calm before I begun.
Now then, where to begin.
Here, is what happened and how I came to terms with this Earth and its challenges. This is the one story, that if I could, I would erase parts of it from my mind forever and never look back upon them, but those parts are what made me who I am today and the good times in this story, made the hard times just about bearable.
This is one of the darkest, yet also one of the most brilliant, memorable and beautiful secrets I may ever brave myself to remember and certainly the darkest I’d ever brave myself to reveal…