Imprinted Years

“Jessica… I want to- I need to ask you something.”

I breathed in and out, smiled easily, genuinely and held onto her gaze. I didn’t feel genuine if I’m honest. I felt branded a liar: a coward, a monster and a sinner. I was all of those, but not then and not even now. So why did I feel such random guilt? I’d done nothing right there and then, had I?

“You do it all the time, which is why you NEVER escape it.”

I don’t understand, what is it I do? Then, sat with her on that sofa and trying to be as honest as humanely possible, which was ironic, I was actually being genuine. But I still felt guilt. I want to know, desperately and madly, what is it that makes me this way? What am I?

“You have made yourself this way. You chose to be born into ignorance. You could’ve changed it.”

But how could I have changed that? Wasn’t ignorance built inside of me anyway? I didn’t want to be that way and I still don’t.
I wanted to see the real world, not the one I’ve built up inside, but I now fear, I will never be real. Not like humans see it. I see real as this. What I am. To them, I am wrong. I am false.

I’ve never been real.

“You could’ve changed it.”

I wanted to return to my sacred place. My safe haven, which was where I’d lived for 16 years at the time. I never wanted that to change.

But something had to.

I wanted to enclose my hands around my ears for one last time, crawl into a ball, admit defeat and close my eyes. Never having them see the light of this world ever again.

But if I never wake in this world, I’ll never wake full stop.

So I fought it, even though I wanted to give up and probably could’ve ended it that way, as I was a being whose main battle was myself. I was my own demon. My very own curse and I’d done this. No one else had.

If I just admitted defeat there and then, it’d have been a fuck load easier.

But like I’ve said before, life never is easy, which is why it’s memorable, fantastic and worthy. Worthy of true happiness in the outcome, which is what I’d hoped for long and hard, even if I never realised at the time.

“Why did you come back?”

I asked her this because I needed to know, not because I wanted to. I didn’t want to, as I knew that this would spark off an old fire. One I didn’t want to come alive ever again, only I knew it had to. Remembrance.

I didn’t want to cast my mind back to my leaving her. I didn’t wish to even think of the hours and hours, days and days, weeks and weeks I spent alone afterwards. I wanted to forget, because like I said before I began this story, this is harder to remember than it is to write.
I was also afraid of the answer, as I knew if it was the other way round and if I were the innocent one here, then I’d tell her the truth. The truth being that I came back, just because it was the right thing to do. Truthfully, I don’t think I could’ve come back for any other reason if I was in her shoes. I was the one to hurt her, but I was a weaker character also. I may’ve reacted in violence or angst at the news of her leaving me, if it was that way, but she didn’t.

She came back and I simply never would have, as I am not kind, well, I wasn’t. I don’t know what I was actually. But I know I can’t have been too kind, or I’d never have left in the first place and I’d have at least consider forgiving her if the tables were turned.

“Because I wanted to.” See what I mean? She is caring. She is warm. I am heartless. I am cold.

“That can change.”

I smiled, trying not to let my truest emotions tear through my barriers. Emotions that would lead to tears and hurt, as the angst would overwhelm me into what I saw as an unfit state, but now I see it as a perfectly human reaction.

Which explains as to why I saw it as an unfit state at the time.

But then again, that can change always change. Just because you’re born one state, doesn’t mean you must stay that way. Not always. I may still be Asgardian in blood, but maybe I still had some human spirit within me, because after all, I’d cried and I’d broke.

I was just human when I felt such empowering feelings.

But now what am I? Nothing? Everything? I’ve learnt, but I’ve still got a long way to go, which isn’t a bad thing at all either.

If anything, doing what I was doing then only made me stranger to my true self, as what I really wanted was to be truthful. One hundred percent honest, but I couldn’t ever be that way, until I was honest with myself first, which I wasn’t at the time.

I told myself that my previous breakdowns were mistakes, now I see them as my achievements in a sense, as I dared to remember.

I dared.

“Exactly, you are strong, Abre.”

I shiver at her voice, but I know it isn’t Silica. It’s me. My voices. Those who I know more than I know myself. I can trust them.

“I will never leave you. I can’t. You must understand that.”

I do.

“You…” she began, her voice filled with deep emotion. Emotion filled with sadness, happiness, love, hurt, angst, pain, purity, innocence, guilt, nature and last of all, humanity. This is what linked us. We were both human in these ways. I feared she wouldn’t continue, but she discarded the emotions for a moment, but she didn’t fight them, as she needed and wanted them. They were all that made her human, even in the smallest ways.

“You-you mean more to me than you think and certainly more than you’ll ever know.
I’ve known you more than you’ve known me, as I understand you. You may understand me to a point, but now like I understand you, Abre. I know who you are, but you don’t. I know your strengths, but you Abre, only know your weaknesses. You may think you know your strengths, but you don’t. Not your true strengths. But I do. I always have and that’s why I love you, because I know that you are a good person, even if you never have seen it.”

She could’ve been right, now I look back, but then I never did see it.

I wanted to disagree with her, but the sincerity in her voice made it almost impossible to do so, but I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t.

I waited a moment, taking it all in and then I realised.

I had gotten more than an answer.

I’d also gotten closer to her, as being apart for what felt like a lifetime only brought us together whereas remembrance is concerned. I used to think that maybe I’d be the only one to remember us, but then, I realised how stupid that actually was.

Yes, I was ignorant to kindness and honesty most of the time, but I was also ignorant to love and that had me hide from friendship and trust. I should never have let myself fall so hard like I did, but all of that, was born out of ignorance.

Now, all I think to myself when I sleep at night or wake in the morning is “could I have changed that?”

I don’t know if I’ll ever find out for sure, but I do know that I don’t want to know, because if it the truth was so much harder than such ignorance that it was almost unbearable, I think I’d rather live a lie, than face it.

But that would never be life. I would be alive, but I’d never be living really.

I would never laugh, as laughing would lose it’s feeling. Love would lose all meaning and words would fade like dust. I would be broken if I let myself be overwhelmed by ignorance, but if I break it, then I’d forever be free.

Which is what I’ve always wanted, but ignorance is my protector, my saviour, other than Benedict, my father and last but not least, Jessica Marie White.

They were good for me, which was the difference, as ignorance wasn’t at all. Not in this.

“You could’ve been stronger! You left! Why?”

I know, I’m sorry and I don’t know why.

“Give yourself a break, you are human.”

I don’t deserve a break and am I? Really? Will I ever have the right to be human?

“No! Fuck no! Never Abre. You have killed. You have sinned. You are already dead.”

Again, I’m sorry. I am and really? Never. I know I have killed, I have sinned, but how can I be dead? Not yet, right? How? No. No! I won’t… I can’t believe it. So why am I listening to you now? You are not real, but I know you have to be, as I hear you so strongly.
“We are real, but you aren’t a bad person, Abre. Know that.”

I have to be though. I have killed.

“Exactly! You should leave for good this time. Never see these decent people again! Benedict, your father, Jessica, because they are ALL too good for you! You are poison! You’re best chance is to leave, never come back and hope that Silica ends this game for you!”

But I don’t want to end this. Not now. Not ever. I can’t. I love her. I love him. I love my father too. They mean far too much. I can’t leave them, even if they are too good for me.

“Don’t leave. Never again, okay? Do you hear me? NEVER again, as they love you and you love them. Anything is fixable, Abre.”

I hope so.

“So fucking naive!”

Without thinking or needing to exhale deeply, I wrapped my arms around her tight. The girl who owned my heart, whereas understanding and guidance was concerned. To be honest, I’d rather have that kind of love than any other. Trust and friendship when they’re there; heartache when they aren’t.

She was my reason for laughing and smiling when she was near me.

Therefore she is my reason for crying and hurting when I remember she isn’t.

“Abre tu corazón.” She whispered when our embraces collided, which struck me hard. I knew it must’ve meant something important, as the way she whispered it, gentle yet instructive, I knew it had to be.

“What?” I whispered back, before pulling away to see her. Her eyes told me her story, her past, her future and her present. Her future would be an honest one, her past had many demons and in her present, she was still learning.

Like I was.

“You heard me.” She smiled easily, as if I understood what she meant for a moment, which obviously I didn’t, as I wasn’t too good with languages other than the one that the humans call “English.”

“Ha, I know I did. But what does it mean?” My tone was eager, but I was almost desperate to know the answer, as I knew she meant it for me to understand.

For me to remember, which is why I still do.

“Do you remember? You haven’t always followed by it’s meaning.”

I know that.

“You have. You may have made mistakes, but now you are being honest with yourself.”

I’m trying to be.

“It means, “open up your heart” in Spanish. I went there when I was younger and I remember learning it beforehand. I don’t know why I chose that out of all the other lines there were to remember, but I guess it’s not a bad one to know. To be honest and to be truthful are not weaknesses, Abre.”

I know that.

“I see them as weaknesses though, as they are characteristics that could be overruled by deceit and ignorance. Ignorant to danger is never a strength.”

She shook her head and now when I look back on what I said then, I do too. I was wrong.

Dearly wrong and it didn’t even make sense, well, it did to me at the time.

How could trust oppose ignorance though? Isn’t that what ignorance is to a point? Trusting something you don’t completely understand or know.

“Honesty won’t lead to danger though, Abre and neither will trust.” She smiled another one of her genuine, calm and soothing smiles, “unless you let it fall into the wrong hands. Then things can go madly wrong, Abre. I see ignorance as allowing yourself to fall into the hands of deceit and dishonesty, which opposes your theory. But, we all have our own opinion, don’t we? I can’t and no one else can, ever tell you what to think or do. You are you. That never changes really, but you can adapt. You can grow. Learn.”

I smiled back at her, as I knew what she meant and now, I still took her words as gospel. She was my guider, my saviour alongside Benedict and my father. But was father ever my saviour? He led me into the paths that lead to darkness. Isn’t this his doing?

“Stop trying to blame him for YOUR mistakes!”

I’m not, am I?

“No, of course not, Abre. You’re trying to make sense of a world that simply can never be understood! Not completely, anyway.”

But if father never kept me away from the humans like he did, if he told me I could bond with them and talk to them, maybe I’d see them differently. If so, all of this could’ve been avoided!

“What could’ve been avoided: the blood on your hands, the bleeding in your eyes when you remember of your sins, the pain you feel when you remember? Which was YOUR doing. Not his. You have made your own demons. You are your own person.”

You have done this.

I don’t want to see blood! Not anymore. I no longer feel pride looking back. I don’t! I hate it. I wish- I wish, I never killed those two people. Even if the first was after hurting me, I think I’d rather have that than remember this. The blood. The screams. The life vanishing before me, because having shit happen to me may sting, but the remembrance of my past fucking digs hard.

I won’t ever forget.

“You don’t deserve to! You fucking demon! Just. Like. Her!”

I wanted to break again.

Wrap my arms around my head and die, because maybe I wasn’t worthy of this world. I had done things. I had sinned. I had said things that just weren’t on. I made my bed though, so I had to lie in it. Even if memories stung more than the knife Silica stabbed me with, many lives ago, even though it was literally just yesterday. It felt like I’d lived all over again since.

“Don’t listen to THAT voice, Abre. That is exactly what IT is. A voice. Nothing else. I am real. I am. Trust me.”

Trust can be linked to ignorance, right?

“Then you are by far furthest from ignorance, as you chose to leave rather than trust HER. The one who fucking saved you, Abre! Have you no fucking conscience? What? Poor, naïve, SELFISH, little Abre believed that Benedict just stumbled across your path and found you? Please!”

I’m not naïve at all, I know that now, but I am selfish and wait, what? So, you’re saying that he…

“I told you not to listen!”

But how can I-

“Listen to me, Abre. I am not lying. I can’t lie, as I am a part of you.”

But I’ve been lying to myself so far, what should stop me now? Therefore, your point is invalid!

“Exactly! You’re a liar! A LIAR. Nothing but a fucked up, STUPID coward!”

Just shut the fuck up already!

I was tired and I was almost broken. So I had to wake myself up from the voices that kept me distant from reality and face Jessica and Benedict. I needed them and I wanted them to need me too.

“Benedict, how did you ever find me?” I looked over to him and saw as he frowned after I asked him this, but I had to ask him.

For my own selfish curiosity, which was wrong of me, as I should’ve wanted to know out of truth and honesty. So then it would build a bond between us, but I still stuck to my old ways.

Why change what you are, when you have no reason to do so?

But I did have a reason. I had three, actually and maybe even more than that. I had my father, Jessica and Benedict. They were the three I held close to my heart and also the three I had already, or was bound to in future, hurt.

Yet they still stuck by me.

“Um…” he smiled and joined me on the sofa with Jessica, watching her closely whilst he did.

“They must know something you don’t.”

He placed an arm gently around my waist, pulling me closer to him and he rests his lips on my forehead for a moment when was close enough. “Because she gave me the choice and I chose to save you.”

I smiled at that, as I could hear his tone was gentle, soothing and calm. Like hers, Jessica’s, therefore it felt homely to me now.

I believed him. I trusted him, all because I trusted her, even though I didn’t really understand.

“Why would you choose that?” I laughed nervously, smoothing the creases in my jeans with the palms of my hands. “I’m nothing to you. I mean, I can’t be, can I? You’re so… well; you’ve got all that I’d ever want and more. Me, on the other hand, I’m most likely what you’d wish to stray from.”

It was true. Most humans would avoid me. I was poison to them, as I had killed Kaeo that way. I watched him writhe as my venom killed him. The blunt object that knocked him out cold. Forever. That was my doing. My poison. It was my curse that I unleashed upon him, which meant to be forever alone and eternally in darkness.

I wished for him to have a life like I’d had, which was ironic, as I ended his.

We couldn’t be more opposite. Or maybe we were more alike than I believed, as I may have been alive all of that time, but behind these eyes that belong to my father, I could’ve been forever alone and eternally in darkness.

Which can be classed as dead, I suppose, as I’d never see light again. Not in this lifetime.

“Well… I didn’t know that you were- that you’d be…” I wanted to pull away, to question the tear I thought I heard in his voice, but he pulled me tighter, which I didn’t disagree with. I let myself fall into him and let another tear fall. I was in the mood for being honest. This was honesty right from its core. I was angry, as I’d hurt him without even realising, which surely meant that I was a curse, right? I never meant to hurt him.

“Then why did you have a fucking breakdown then! Fucking idiot.”

I don’t know. I do, but I don’t know why I let myself…

“It’s completely understandable, you know.”

Is it?

“I didn’t think that you’d be almost fucking dead!” The last two words were to be said out of angst, but instead, I heard his voice break once more and I knew that he was angry for sure, but he was deeply and desperately worried.

“What if I got there too late? Then you’d be- and I’d be nothing but- and she’d have…” He tried to get the words out, but he just couldn’t seem to and I understood why. Sometimes remembering is more powerful than words or actions, therefore it takes over, but why this?

Why should he care about me?

“None of this is your fault, okay? I thank you for saving me and I know that seeing anyone in that state is hard but…”

He pulled away and pushed me away from him, standing up and pulling me up with him by my arm, which kind of hurt, but I must admit, I was amazed by his rush of angst.

“But you are NOT just anyone, Abre. You’re my Abre and I love you. I know, that this makes no sense at all to you right now, or maybe at least only a little bit, but trust me on this.”
“I love you.”

“Ha! He must be a fucking psychopath to love YOU!”

I can’t say I disagree, but why does he?

“You’re more than you think you are, Abre.”

But he hardly knows-

“Or does he know you? Think Abre! For the first time in a long while, think!”

I can’t! You’re putting me on the spot here.

“He loves you. You should be happy!”

I am.

“Then show it! Now. Do it!”

Do it.

Two of the very last words I said to Silica before she abandoned me to die alone in that beautiful scene.

I don’t know why I did this, but I suddenly felt an urge of remembrance I was unaware of. One I was ignorant to. I suddenly felt I’d known him before. I knew that I’d seen him before, well, encountered him, but now I had this sensation that he was in my past before that.

Like I’d known him for a long time before that.

So I looked into his eyes, eyes that were a deeper blue than the ocean and kissed him. I didn’t care anymore that Jessica was watching. I loved him. I didn’t know why I did at the time, but I did and I wanted him. In more ways than just one, he was my Benedict and I was his Abre.

We were the same, but I never saw it that way, as my scars I wore on my skin. His, he wore on his heart.

I pulled away from him just enough to whisper in his ear something I didn’t want Jessica to hear, but I knew she might have done, as she was talented with her senses.

“Looks like we’ll find out if she’ll hear or not. Why not take a risk already? You’ve taken them before for dumbass reasons. This is for the right reasons. ”

Or is it?

“Do you think it is?”

I don’t think I know anymore. I haven’t known in a long time what is right and what is wrong, at least I don’t think I have. Have I?
“You should know the answer to that, but yes you have known.”

Then why do I continue to fuck up?

“Because you’ve never been honest. Now, it looks like you’re contemplating to be.”

What if the truth stings too much?

“Then tough. Others have shit too, you know!”

I guess the truth may hit you hard but lies can truly push the destruct button, only if you let them, of course.

“Which you have done. Those lies have destructed you, which was of your own accord.”

Exactly, this deceit hasn’t bettered me either! If anything, it’s only made me weaker.

“Which leads to torturing yourself day and night. I think overall honesty wins.”

I couldn’t agree more, really. But how come it feels so damn hard?

“Because, like I’ve said before, you are human.”

“I want you.” He knew what I meant when I said this, as I could tell by how he pulled me even tighter to him, crushing our bodies together, but none of this was out of my comfort zone. This surprised me, because then I didn’t seem to know whether or not he was human

I could have been in love with my natural enemy, but I no longer cared.

I wanted him.

“So, how’re you going to do this, Abre?”

I’m not because I can’t. Jessica’s here isn’t she. We need to be alone when we… spend that kind of time together.
“But now is perfect, Abre! I can almost feel the electricity coming from you two.”

But I don’t know him, do I?

“I can’t answer that. None of us can. You need to decide that for yourself.”

But how, why, what the fuck is going on?

“You’ll see Abre, but c’mon. You really can’t pass this down.”

It feels insanely wrong though, but madly right at the same time. I know I’ll feel bare, because I can’t know him like I should do. Not yet. For fuck’s sake, I only met him today!

“But if it feels right in your heart, but not in your mind, then surely your heart wins?”

Mind over matter remember?

“But this doesn’t have to matter!”

Yes it does! Me- us being like that together. That fucking has to matter!

“I mean, it shouldn’t have to bother you. It’s your life!”

Exactly! I’ve fucked it up already. I’ve killed and-

“Sinned? Don’t we fucking know already! Just do it, Abre.”

I-

“You’ll regret it if you don’t, you know.”

But what if I regret it if I do go through with it.

“That’s life. Get over it.”

I felt as his hands clung to my waist once again, pulling me up onto his right shoulder, which brought me out of my world. Basically the world I was used to. The one with voices that sometimes did and sometimes didn’t make sense.

“Well, I think we should get away from here…” he then carefully gently placed me back down, returning my previously excited self back to Earth. “You need some rest. I don’t know what I was- never mind.”

Did I have any choice in this?

“No, you didn’t. He’s right, Abre. You need rest. I mean, you’re strong whereas physicality is concerned I’ll give you that, but you still need rest. I can’t believe I didn’t remember sooner. I mean, you appear to be...” I didn’t let her finish.

“Fine? It’s because I am, Jessica. Why don’t you believe me?”

“I do. I believe that you think that you’re fine, but trust me, you can’t be. They are pretty severe injuries you have and I don’t care how strong you are or if and how you can fight it. You need rest. If anything for mental reasons more than physical.”
Was she implying that I was crazy?

“That would make sense of a whole lot of shit.”

Do us a favour and get out of my head, please?

“Your wish is our command. Ha-ha.”

Without having any say in this what so ever, Benedict picked me up once more, only this time cradling me in his strong, sturdy arms. I couldn’t help but relax, what with his warmth colliding against my coldness. He could warm my heart and I could try forever to repay him.

Which I think I’d be fine with, because now I realised, I really didn’t want to lose him, which sounds insane, but true, as he was the most loving being I’d ever encountered,

I no longer cared about his species; I now only cared about his heart…