Imprinted Years

“I told you, I just can’t get to sleep.” I pleaded, when Benedict came back into the room that was mine now. Well, that’s what he said anyway, but I felt kind of cheeky taking a room that didn’t belong to me.

“Yes you can! Haven’t you ever heard that there is no such thing as can’t?” I scowled in angst and shot him an accusatory glance when he joined me on the bed, sitting by my side with his easy smile, which almost made me want to forgive his arrogance. Or that’s how I saw it, anyway.

“I have actually, but I choose to ignore such ignorant statements. It’s like saying “you can put your hand in fire and not get burnt.” When actually, you can’t. But oh no, there’s no such thing as can’t now is there? Oh well!” I spoke a little too aggressively, which only made him chuckle more. That irritated me, well, there wasn’t much that didn’t.

“Ha-ha, well, I guess you have a point there.” I smiled righteously at that, because I did know it was right, but he frowned jokingly. “But… sleep deprivation isn’t something to be smiling about. Especially when you’re injured.”

“But I’m not- well, I am injured, but- you know what I mean.” He nodded, acknowledging my attempts to plead against his statement, but even I knew that he was right.

“I know, but you need rest and I don’t care how much you dislike that, you have to get some sleep. Wires can come loose with a lack of rest, you know.”

Ha! Well, they already seem to be loose anyways. Who cares if “I lose it” a slight bit more?

“He cares.”

True.

“You sound like a teacher or something, ha-ha.” He smiled eagerly, kissing me on the forehead and then pulling away to touch my cheek with the palm of his hand.

“Well, they’re wise, I guess. So that must’ve been meant as a compliment. Yes?” I nodded, smiling for the first time in what felt like a while and wrapped my arms around him.

“I don’t know why I feel so close to you, but I know it must be right. Yes?”

I knew that I was sort of copying him with the whole “yes?” thing, but I was actually really quite anxious at the time. I didn’t know whether it was just me deceiving myself again, or whether he actually liked me. It seemed that now, I was beginning to get reality and the dream world mixed up, which wasn’t a great thing.

But I didn’t see it as bad either.

“Yes.” He whispered gently into my ear, pulling away from me once again. “Now, I’m leaving so you can get some sleep. Okay?” I nodded, but when he got up to leave, stopped him from doing so.

“Please- please could you…” I smiled at him nervously. “Stay?”

For some insane reason, I was now beginning to fear being completely alone. I hated darkness, but at the same time I needed it and parts of me believed I liked it. I couldn’t have had liked it, or else it’d have been a fuck load easier to sleep at night.

“Sure, if that’s what you’d like.” He turned to the chair to my left and smoothly sat down, smiling at me caringly whilst he did. I preferred him being there, if I’m honest.

“Thank you.” I meant it. I was grateful for his kindness and so much more.

...

I laugh and I see him burn in the fire I set only a moment before.

I regret missing that moment.

I cry, but not tears of grief, sadness or regret.

I am happy, but he is no more.

How can this be true?

He is the one I love, yet I hurt him and I laugh, but I am not cruel.

Cruel would be to understand such harshness to someone I love so dearly.

I am by far from that.

My mind, currently unconscious, does not understand at all. I am confused, but more so and more importantly...

I am afraid.

But yet, even though I am stronger than ever before; I've never felt so weak.

I watch him burn and I smile?

How is that ever a strength? My mind must be ill, therefore, I can't be strong. Can I? I want to be. I've dreamt of it. I've prayed. I've tried.

But now, I have let myself fail.

This was my fault and yet I feel no shame. I feel proud of my pain. The pain I feel from turning into nothing, as they say, without love you are nothing.

I tend to disagree, but then again, I couldn't agree more.

Without love, I would be strong in ways that wouldn't be real, but with it, I'm happier than ever before.

Therefore, I must be strong, which would mean that I was something.

Right?

If you're listening, then you must know that I know I hurt you pretty badly and for that, I now am sorry for doing so.

But even though my heart goes out for you, my head still wants nothing more but for you to leave, as I can no longer trust myself around anyone, especially you.

I loved you, I love you, but I also hate you, which breaks my heart and don't ever think I wanted this, because sometimes, our emotions chose us.

This time, I wasn't strong enough to fight them, so I let them overrule me, which has made me into this... this curse.

To say that I'm a monster would be one hell of an understatement, but to say that I am evil, would be an overstatement.

I am not evil, as to be evil; I would've had to have been that way from the start, which I haven't been.

Therefore, I'm not evil. I am either just very unlucky, which I doubt, as I have had those who've loved me and stayed.

Or there's the flipside, which is that I chose this. Not intentionally, of course, but as if I had no other choice.

How foolish! I always had a choice.

"I know that! Ha-ha! You stupid, broken girl! All of your own accord."

I didn't want this, or did I?

"Only you can answer that."

I thought I had. I thought- I believed that I didn't want this, but now I'm unsure. I don't- I'm losing- I'm giving up...

But I can't.

I used to be different and I used to be kind-hearted, but now, I feel like I can never get back to that. I have broken and I am afraid, that if I stop doing what I love, then I'll fade.

Remembering.

If I let myself forget, then I'll only have myself to blame and I'd forever regret it, if I could.

But I wouldn't be able to regret it, would I? As I'd have nothing left to remember to lead to regret, which is far worse than guilt or regret combined.

I'd be ignorant to love, hurt, pain, truth and nature. I'd be useless. I'd be dead.

Yet I'd still be living, which is my own idea of hell.

Pure hell.

I would cry, but it wouldn't stop me from sleeping, as tears would become routine. I'd no longer feel shivers of unease or even remembrance. I wouldn't even feel cold or any kind of feeling. I'd simply be numb.

Nothing more.

That is what I'm afraid of.

Losing all that I am, my faith and those who I love, those who I've remembered up until now.

Without all of that, I am no longer human.

I am a soul with no name.

No identity.

No purpose, but to spit her poison and hope it kills an innocent life, as I know that if I let the monster overrule my heart, then I'd be closer to evil than ever before.

I would be truly cursed and I'd have no right to posses a name.

But my name would still be Abre.

...

I woke to find myself crying tears that meant nothing to me anymore, as now they make no sense. Or so I thought. He holds me tight, telling me everything's okay and yet I distrust his kindness, but anyway, I have no right to take it either.

I did this and now, he was the one comfort me, but all I could process in my mind was "why bother? I'm already gone."

"P-please..." I tried, but my voice was too broken, too distorted to speak. Well, to speak properly I guess. Then again, what is meant to be proper about this? This world isn't right at all. Well, if it is, I suppose it just isn't right for me.

"No. I'm not leaving you, Abre. So don't even bother asking." His voice was sincere, honest, yet it hurt so much to hear it. I hated his caressing tone, as I knew that I wasn't worthy of such kindness. I was wrong. I had to be.

I don't know what I was exactly, but right wasn't it.

On the other hand, maybe I was. In my own unique sense, of course, but I've never been kind. Not like him.

"What do you want me to do then?" It didn't sound like a question on my behalf. It appeared to be more like an order for him to leave me alone and stray from what I'd become. I was trying to protect him, but only he could do that, really.

By saying goodbye to the girl I believed he hardly knew, yet the one he stayed with so strongly.

Me.

"You do know that all of this isolating yourself will only make this worse, right?" I nodded, as I did know that. I'd known it for too long and felt it too strongly to forget.

"I know it all too well." I couldn't say anything else, as I didn't seem to be able to think of any more words. Maybe I could, as some say there is no such thing as can't, but I guess saying more would only have hurt me and maybe even him further.

I had watched him die yet I felt no pain, but I still loved him.

There are no words for that.

How could that have been right?

"Because you're fucking messed up!"

I never wanted it to be like this. How can this be my entire fault? I'm so very sorry. I hate this!

I'm broken.

"You are like this because you let yourself become this. That's why!"

But- how- why did this happen?

"You're not broken at all! You're hurt. That isn't something to be ashamed of!"

All of this I am and should be ashamed of.

"You're not wrong! Poison."

Deep breath in, deep breath out. I'm going to be okay. I am not insane. I am okay. I have to be. These voices are a part of me, but they don't control me. They won't.

They can't.

"I want you to be okay. I love you, Abre and this- I..."

How could he love me so fucking much to take all this shit? Why should he?

"This is not your problem. How can you ever love this and why are you still here?" I shouted, louder than I intended to do. I regretted doing so almost instantly after I'd spoken. "I'm sorry. I just- how?"

I know I made no sense at all, but I'd lost all control. Both emotionally and verbally.

...

So I begun my tears once again, but this time, they were tears of sorrow. I was saddened by the confusion that overruled me, every time I thought of everything that had happened.

The murders, feuds, pain, remembrance, all of it didn't even make any sense anymore.

I couldn't remember, as clearly as I wished to. I was hurt, but not by pain. Only confusion could hurt me.

I was indestructible to any other kind of pain, which wasn't a human quality, I guess. But was I ever really indestructible after all? When I said my goodbyes to Jessica Marie White, that hurt more than I can ever remember and the tears I cried then I knew for sure that they were real.

These tears that I cry now, I can no longer say I'm sure of, as I no longer seem to be able to add it all up. When I do, when I can, it still doesn't make any sense.

Just words, letters, numbers and facts that seem to have no meaning now.

None of this has meaning, does it? It must have!

Or else why would I be writing this?

For comfort? Maybe even to remember, because I guess this chapter is called "Remembering" right? Did I plan to tell you so much?

I don't even know the answer to that.

When you're a child, nothing hurts you like it does when you finally learn to grow up. Mistakes used to be like ice-creams, which sounds silly, I know, but when you'd drop it, you don't have to worry too much about the consequences, because someone would buy you another. When you're older, all mistakes are your own doing and sometimes, I forget why I make so many, but then I remember.

I am human. That's my excuse and it always has been.

If I was a bird, I would fly higher than the rooftops and soar away from Earth's problems down below. I'd be distant from the stress of worrying or remembering; therefore, I'd be free. Free to smile and be happy. Without any regrets or any need except for hunger to stop.

I want to fly away like a bird.

But to be quite honest, if I was a star, I'd forever be paranoid, because if I never did fit in, I'd still shine, but not in the way that others saw as right. I'd forever long to shine the brightest also, which would hurt, as I could never shine the brightest.

I am that star.

I could never be a diamond, as they're simply too beautiful and to be truly beautiful, you have to be beautiful inside too. I've never been either, so I could never be seen as perfect, or brilliant, as I was far from it. I know that nothing is ever perfect, even when it appears to be, but I also know that life can be beautiful. Even for me.

But I still long to be a diamond sometimes, even though I know, that even if I was beautiful inside and out, it is impossible.

You should just open your eyes when tears fall like Jessica told me to do, rather than shutting them out, as tears are the most natural and genuine reactions there is. You'll then see the world's true beauty.

I now see tears as a strength for me, as they remind me that I'm on this Earth for a purpose. To live and enjoy the world around me. That, I can get used to, but I fear that I'm too burdened to enjoy such peace, which is why I chose this life of regret.

But if I chose to leave Silica, then surely I could chose my fate?

"You already have."

But what if I'm wrong? What if we can't choose?

"You can, but it's your actions that choose it. Ever heard of Karma?"

Yes. I have and I know I have some serious burdens, but I can't live forever in regret. Can I? Surely I'll become mad, if I'm not already.

"No comment."

...

I open my eyes once more to greet the deep-blue eyes in front of me and again, I let the tears fall, only now I don't shut them out.

I let them in.

"I'm here, because I know you can do this, Abre and you are strong. Please Abre, believe me."

I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry." I then shivered a little when he hugged me a little too tight, which wasn't his fault really. He wasn't the one to provoke the serpent.

"I'm so sorry, Abre." He pulled away and met my gaze, fear in his eyes, but this wasn't his doing. None of it was and his sympathy felt like daggers digging deep into my skin.

"I completely forgot-I-um- I don't know how I can tell you how sorry I am. Really. But why are you crying, Abre? There's something else. Isn't there?"

I shook my head, refusing to acknowledge his apologies for he had no reason to be sorry.

"None of this is any of your fault, okay?" He didn't seem to agree with that, but I continued anyway, "and it was nothing really. Just a bad dream that got out of hand, I guess. I'm sorry if I startled you."

I tried to smile, but it was uneasy, which made sense, as so was I.

He shook his head like I had done before, again refusing to accept my pleads. "You have no reason to be, Abre. Now... are you hungry?"

I nodded happily, pleased that I was about to eat for what felt like the first in a long while. When I was with Silica, my diet and rest routines tended to go downhill a bit. Therefore, all I had to keep me through the day was pure, unhealthy adrenaline.

Benedict may've been right whereas my hunger was concerned, but he was dearly wrong when he said I had no reason to be sorry. I had a reason all-right.

I am Abre Laufeyson. The girl who took in darkness, when light was always an option. If that doesn't qualify for a reason to be sorry, then what does?

All I knew was that I was never going to be perfect, so I didn't then see much point in attempting to be.

How foolish...