Imprinted Years

It'd turned out that I'd been asleep for quite some time when I woke with tears in my eyes and Benedict by my side. It felt rather odd to have so much sleep, when I'd spent weeks alone in darkness. Hardly ever getting a complete night's rest and now even a complete rest doesn't really seem to bring any benefits like it should. I was no longer as awake as when I went through that faze of extreme darkness, as now I had no adrenaline to keep me alive.

But I had to remember, that I was still living, therefore, I needed to eat, stay active and rest.

Funnily enough, rest appealed to me the most out of those three, which was a change, I can sure say.

When Benedict and I came downstairs, Jessica was already awake and she was sitting alive and ready for the day ahead of us on the table in the kitchen. I smiled to her and she returned the gesture, pulling a seat from beside her.

It is memories like this, that make the pain of what I did almost too unbearable, as I know it was my entire fault.

I hated what happened at the time, I know, but now, I can never go back.

Though now, I really do want to go back. More than anything else I cant think of. Returning would be my most favourable option.

But I can't and now I know I am sorry.

"It's fucking too late, Abre!"

I know that. I screwed it up all right. All of this can never be-

"Fixed? Yes it can! If you just talk to her! She still loves you."

She can never love this. Not truly, anyway. Never again will she care. She can't possibly.

"There is no such thing as can't."

There is in my world.

"Who's to say your world is real, Abre? Think about it."

You mean this may all be a lie? All of this fucking hurt is for nothing!

"No. I'm saying life is all about the choices we make and you can change this. You always have been able to."

But what if I don't feel I have the heart to do so?

"You do, but giving her up was the worst mistake you've ever made. You must see that!"

I do. I have to, as it's the truth, but now I fear that everything we've ever shared is lost to nothing. I'm afraid.

"Don't be, Abre! Just be afraid of losing yourself, because if she does truly love you for who you are, then she'll forgive you someday."

But that's the thing, you see. I fear I've lost myself along the way and I can never piece myself back together.

"Then you must show yourself. Be bare Abre!"

I'm afraid.

"Don't be, please Abre. You need to be honest with yourself and being bare will let you be. You'll never have to hide from light again!"

But what if I break?

"Good, because at least then you are learning and life is practically the journey of adaptation and wisdom."

Why do you have to be so fucking practical?

"Because it is what you've learnt, Abre, that makes you so beautiful. Inside and out. Never forget that."

The next voice I hear is hers and I don't discard her. Not like I did.

...

"I love you and I forgive you."

I didn't really understand at the time why she said that and what the real reason was for her forgiveness, but I pretended to know.

"Thank you, Jessica. I love you too."

I smiled and edged my seat a little closer to her and then wrapped my pale, slim arms around her.

Pale, slim arms like hers.

These similarities never end, which is what hurts the most.

She was a sister to me and I betrayed her.

That is what I fear, as it never leaves me. I will never forget how I hurt her, which is why now I force myself to remember. To write out this story. More for myself, if I'm honest, than anyone else.

"Let me." Benedict said when I got up to serve myself and him something to eat. I hated being treated like an invalid, but I didn't want to upset him by refusing his help, as even though I was and still am stubborn, back then I was also extremely weak.

Both inside and out. I had underestimated what true strength really was and for that, I felt foolish.

So, instead of letting the foolish part of me take over, I let it disperse into the air and escape my mind for the time being, but it wouldn't be gone forever. That, I was sure of.

I take the seat to Jessica's left, which she'd pulled out for me beforehand and smile as she hugs me tight. Tight enough to know that she really meant it; loose enough to not feel pain from it. I thanked her for this kind gesture, still shaking for no apparent reason and smiled to her genuinely, as it did make me really happy, which was something I believed I would never shame from. Never again.

"You had better not! They're good to you, Abre! Benedict, Jessica and your father! Why would you ever abuse that?"

I'll- I will try my hardest, okay? I can't do any more than that!

"You can! You can tell them that you love them! Which you do."

It was right. The voice, but I felt inclined to call "it" she, as every time I heard the wiser voice, I heard Molly. On the other hand, every time I heard the harsher voice, it was Silica, as Silica had always been ignorant to light and to love, therefore, she would not understand any kind of heart-warming emotion. Love, for example, would be nothing but dust to her. No impact would occur, whether she had felt love before was out of the question, she was resistant from it now, but worse than that.

She was forbidden.

If she ever allowed herself to feel such emotions like love, she may never be cold again, which is what has made her into what I have seen to have been the Cold Serpent.

"I love you." I'd said it before, many times even, but now if anything, saying it almost casually seemed to mean more. As now I needn't anything but the words to help me say them, which sounds odd, I know, but now, I was no longer afraid of saying what I felt or knew was true. I did love her, so why hide from that? It was now all becoming natural to me.

To be honest and to admit to myself when I was and wasn't in the right, which I know sounds idiotic, but it took me a while to become this.

Don't ever think I will go back to being what I used to be. Even if I am crazy to them, to me, I am right and I am the only being on this Earth I have to prove that to.

Other than Jessica Marie White, but even she may think I'm partly mad, which may be true, I guess.

She knew that I was saying, "I love you" to her, as she probably knew that it was her kindness and her efforts to comfort and help me this way that had made me into a better person. A person who was honest when she knew it was right to be and even when she had doubts about it. I was still the bird who had no wings to fly away from my problems, but I was no longer the bird who used the clouds in the sky as a cover. I wasn't just hiding from reality and civilization when I was her; I was hiding from my true colours.

My make-up hid my true flaws, but those flaws, mistakes, whatever you wish to name them, they are me and I guess that may never change.

So why bother trying?

I used to believe that I could survive even death, which was foolish, but yet, even though I had hurt her, Jessica had helped protect me from it.

I didn't survive death. I didn't get lucky, well, I did in parts, yes, but it wasn't fate that saved me. It was the two souls that had brought me in and the memories I had with one of those souls that kept me fighting death and even immense pain for that matter. To be quite honest, when I felt my life was ending, a part of me was happy. This sounds insane, I know that, but I was happy that I'd known such beautiful, gracious and charismatic people, which is why I no longer could fear death.

Death could end my life, but it could never end my past. That is impossible.

I had learnt throughout my sixteen years on Earth, that the only pain worse than death were the sharp knives that came with nothing but the numb sensation controlling my entire system and also guilt, which may only be the thing keeping me alive with adrenaline. When I felt guilt from leaving her, I left our home she left for me and ran and ran and ran for as long as I could. I remember wearing nothing but jeans and a vest, but that was the fun of it. I was mad then and I still am, but even though PE isn't my greatest category, I really fucking did love it.

I remember smiling to myself, laughing and having no care in the world, as when I ran, I was free.

I was the Abre Lisgorar Laufeyson I wanted to be.

I was strong and I was fearless, regardless the scars printed on my arms and wrists.

I was bare and I was cleansed; yet I had hurt others, but running let me forgive myself for a short period of time. I just allowed myself to enjoy nature's touch and love the air about me. I was ecstatic from such simple things. I was Abre.

I still am...

I know now that I can't ever be ashamed of the mistakes I have ever so foolishly made and remembered, as they've only made me stronger.

Even if it meant that at first I took in weakness until I saw the truth of it all. Now I see how that faze of ignorance and weakness was worth it, as without the strength that I gathered from that time, I would be lost.

Strength, my most desired goal, which came to me through kindness and understanding.

I can surely say I never foresaw that.

"I love you too, Abre. I always have. Ever since our first encounter. I know you more than I can ever say." Her face, her eyes told me that she couldn't lie about such personal things, which is why I had to believe her kind words. But I couldn't help but think, what if the table were turned? I think I'd probably have ended up declaring something, but love doesn't really come to mind.

If I was in her place, I'd hate the person who left me feeling hurt, abandoned, empty and cold. I fear, that if I was her, that I'd never forget what she'd done, but most worryingly, I don't think I'd have forgiven her either.

Which had to be wrong, after all she'd done for me.

But to be quite honest, I was still shocked by the entire thing. I mean, why did she stand by me? What reason could she have possibly have had to come back for me? Why on Earth did she love me? I knew I loved her, that was natural to me now, but I couldn't help but wonder, was it natural to her too?

Meaning, did she love me in the same way and the same amount as I loved her? Does amount matter as long as you know they're there? Does it matter if it isn't natural to her? If it will never be natural again? But then again, she loved me once, right? Can love ever be controlled?

I loved Benedict; regardless of his species or faults.

Did she love me; regardless of my sins and my past?

If she did, then that must be natural love, because sins are hard to forgive, but most importantly, hard to forget and isn't any emotion natural? When I lost her to darkness, Jessica, I mean, I cried and when the tears refused to fall, I felt empty. Hollow. Numb. That can't be strange to me, as those emotions were and still are a part of me, therefore, they're natural to me.

I may never be what some humans list as "normal." I will never be "beautiful." But I will always be "natural" where my own instincts are concerned.

I may never be pretty, brilliantly smart or wonderfully kind-hearted, but nature is within me. It's built within and I can't ever lose that. Even if I live a careless, carefree, reckless life, I will always remain bound to nature.

Therefore, in my own sense and my own world, I am safe from hurt and pain. Looks used to bother me, I admit, but now I know that there is more to me than that anyway. More to anyone in this world even and regardless of how little or how much I know of Earth and it's teachings, I will always remain true to my own light, even if my world is currently in darkness.

My light will always guide me onwards and that is what keeps me living on.

Like a bird.

When I have sat down for a long time in the past and thought of the ruins of this life I've only really begun on Earth, I can't help but see how I am the bird without any wings. I am different from others here, but I want similar things to them.

I want to fly, meaning in this life, I want to be happy and I want to fall in love. Like any young princess, when my eyes were about a decade younger than they are now, I remember thinking to myself "one day, I will love someone more than I understand myself and they will understand me, more than I value myself." Meaning I may value myself small, but someone one day will understand that I have dreams too and that I've always wanted to meet someone who loved me more than I understood about this life, because how I see it is, is that knowing yourself is already half the way to being a true genius.

If I didn't know who I was; I never would've been happy, which is why I've spent so many years in darkness in my past.

I was never happy contently at this time in the story, as I didn't know myself enough to let myself be loved. If that makes any sense at all and besides, I think before I met Benedict, I was too ignorant towards Earth to be ready for such a kind, honourable person to enter my life. I knew that I'd seen and been around him before, but actually being in his company was completely different.

This is the bird that I am.

The one with the eyes of nature: hints of blue for the sky I wish to reach, sparks of green for the trees that surrounded me when I believed all hope was lost and finally, sprinkles of amber, to represent Autumn leaves.

So maybe I am natural in more ways than just emotions, as my eyes tell my story along with my mind that reminds me of the words. I may never be perfect, but different, unique and strange I sure am.

All of that, I am proud of and no one in this world can ever give me a reason not to be so, as like a bird without any wings, now I will give up trying to fly away from my problems and I will try to remember them. Re-light them even and bring them alive once again, which is why I write now. I want to remember Abre.

Abre Lisgorar Laufeyson.

The bird that grew out of her wings, but also, the girl who longs for them back.

I will become the bird and I will grow, but I may never fly the skies again on this Earth, but in my dreams, no one and nothing can stop me.

I am the bird that is forever unstoppable, whereas freedom is concerned, but there is one object in my path.

Me.

I am also the girl, who fights the bird that refuses to use her wings and I am the bird that forever fights for light, because the weaker I become, the stronger the weight on my shoulders gets.

If the girl I am only understood why I hide my wings, then maybe I wouldn't have to watch the wise, beautiful, strong bird within me slowly die and writhe in pain because of it.

The bird within me is dying and without her wings, as she cannot fly away, but this was her choice. She sees the darkness as weakness, but the girl disagrees.

She foolishly believes it is strength in disguise, but she couldn't be more wrong if she tried to be.

I wish to be both, as the girl has taught me how to live through the coldness and emptiness of the night, but the bird has taught me many things more than that.

She taught me how to love, but most importantly, she taught me how to let in those who care and I'm afraid, that if the girl wins, that I will lose both of them forever, as I know that the girl can be good. She can be truly strong, but she resists, just like the bird, but the bird does this for the right reasons.

I am afraid, that the girl may still be here in body, but in heart she has already been long gone and I now begin to fear, if the bird within me is already lost.

Am I already gone?

I now begin to fear that I will never love again, as love would turn to dust if either the bird or the girl dies out.

They constantly fight.

One voting good, most of the time and one voting the more callous sides of things, but I no longer know who to trust.

Do I trust the wise bird; who has guided me through pain and hurt?

Or must I trust the broken girl; who still, regardless being that part of me that inflicts both emotional and physical pain on others, still cares more than words can ever say?

I love them both, but if they continue to break one another down, how can I choose one over the other?

"Choose the bird."

I can't let the girl die though. That wouldn't be right!

"Nothing is ever right, Abre. I have made you hurt and for that, I am sorry. Choose the bird, Abre!"

But y-you, you've been with me for so long and I know I must be insane! I know that, okay? But you are half of what I have. You are half of the love I've known, as you've shared my emotions from that. You're half of my pain and you're half of my happiness. You are half of me, but you tell me to let you die?

"Don't listen to her, Abre! She's messing with your head. Choose the girl, Abre. Choose her, please. I may have no wings, but I don't have to reach the skies anyway, as I have already seen one star.

You, Abre.

You are the star that shines out to me and you are your own light! Therefore, you will never live in darkness and you will always be safe. They may be able to hurt you on the outside, but inside, you're impossible to break. Right, Abre? You must know that."

Not quite impossible. Nothing is impossible.

"If you don't let yourself fall; then you can never break and Abre, you know she is better for you, right? All I have done is call you an awful person and messed up your thinking even more! I am poison, Abre! Not you and I am sorry for what I have said. She has helped you; I have only hurt you."

Sort of like me and Jessica, right? She helped me and I hurt her. Maybe I deserve to be hurt and what if you meant to say those things to make me choose her?
What if this was your way to be the good person, well, the good voice, I guess. You have both helped me, if I'm honest, but that just makes this impossible to choose! I can't choose! I wont. You can't make me. It's-

"Impossible? Thought you said..."

I know what I said, all right? I know that! But I just don't know what to do anymore. I fear if I lose you both, I will never amount to anything.

"Don't fear that, Abre! Please? You do not need us to be happy. You do not need us to amount to something, Abre! You already do amount to something."

What?

"You are Abre Lisgorar Laufeyson. You have lived on through tough times, but you still love and you have cried. You have meant every tear that has fell. Every muscle that made you able to smile. Every second you thought back on what had happened. You are not in ruins, Abre and you will never be.

As you are the one and only Abre Lisgorar Laufeyson and no one can ever take away from you what you have learnt in this life."

Which is the entire meaning of life, right? To learn and to love? That is all I wanted.

Only I already had it, as I'd loved Benedict, father and Jessica. They had learnt me to live and love this life, therefore, I am bound to them.

They are my feathers and without them, I would be completely bare, but someday, I think I may need to be.

When they can't be near me, I must learn to adapt to being bare and I must learn to love what I am and understand what I was.

That may not occur over night.

So Jessica may have been wiser and kinder than I was and that would've meant that at the time, I wasn't as strong as her in those areas. Maybe I'm still not, but that doesn't have to mean that I'll always be this way and I hope, as I grow, I'll learn, which makes sense, I suppose.

When I looked over to her again, taking in all the life around me, I no longer saw the girl in the hooded cloak, or my opponent, enemy, idol and not even my teacher.

I only saw my sister.

I've never had a sister, but I imagine if I did, she'd be like her. I've always wanted another sibling, preferably a sister, I guess, as we maybe would share more common interests rather than if I had a brother, but I was still content with the family I had, as my father was all I ever needed, but now, I need more than just one person.

I need my own family. A sister who didn't need to share my blood to care for me and someone who would side by me, even when he didn't need to.

Someone who made me want to be stronger.

Benedict.

"You're like a sister to me, Jessica. You always will be and I'm- I'm sorry for..." I felt as her arms embraced me, held me tight and I let tears stream down my cheeks, as they reminded me that now, we were both equals.

We were both human.

"Don't ever be sorry and I love you. You will always be the only family I have, as I never knew my parents and I have no siblings, but I'm happy to have you as my sister."

I smiled, wrapping my arms around her also and heard as she stifled a sob with her hand when we began to depart our embrace.

"Thank you."

I didn't know what else to say at that moment. I was happy and I was letting tears flow like they were air. I no longer shamed from my truest emotions, as they were what I was and what I still am.

I will never be in ruins; not if I fight darkness and let in the light.

I had let them in, Benedict and Jessica and they were my source. Without them, I'd see nothing but darkness ahead of me, but now, I see every shade, ever colour, every speck of life around me and I never want to go back to ignorance.

With them, I am free to live in pure nature and nature will always have a home within...